| The Fate of Fools |
| Home
=================
*Fate of Fools*
|
Location: A Living Room in the US
Antonio took Sheridan’s hands into his on the blinking television screen. Seriously as could be with tears in his eyes, he told her, “You make whatever’s going on with my brain bearable.” “What brain?” Janine muttered angrily to Ashley, who laughed at her friend’s disgust. Rachel, who sat on the other end of the couch sighed happily. She couldn’t be more excited about Antonio and Sheridan getting together and staying that way. “Why can’t a man speak to me that way?” she put a hand to her chest. “Antonio loves Sheridan so much. I wish Luis would stop being such a…” Janine shot her a look. “Shut up, Rachel,” she clicked the TV off, no longer caring what was going on. “You know what, if I was in that soap I would change everything. Those people have the collective IQ of…well…dog crap.” “Man, why insult dog crap?” Ashley laughed. “What did it ever do to you?” “You guys are just upset because Antonio is with the woman he belongs with and your couples aren’t together anymore,” Rachel grabbed the remote back and flicked the TV on. “I am not going to miss the rest of his romantic speech for you two.” The second the TV flicked on, the room filled with an eerie glow. Rachel was too busy watching Antonio to even notice it, but Janine and Ashley did. The light revealed, what seemed to be, a staircase into the TV set. Janine laughed. “Dude, I thought you told me there wasn’t any alcohol in those margaritas, Ash.” “There wasn’t,” Ashley took a step forward and was sucked into the TV. Janine blinked stupidly for a moment. That didn’t just happen! “I thought this only happened in movies like The Poltergeist,” she stepped forward being sucked into the TV too. Flashes of light flew around her for a moment and it felt as if she were riding down a high power water slide. Before she knew it, she thudded to the ground on her behind and landed smack dab in the middle of Harmony. “OUCH! What the heck…wait I don’t say heck, I say he-ck.” Janine scowled. “I hate parental guides already, let me tell you. Censors really need a life.” Ashley groaned, rolling her eyes. “Where the…Where are we?” she corrected herself, looking around. “Oh no! You’ve done it now, Janine.” “What did I do?” Janine asked, looking around. “You’re the one that stepped towards a glowing TV set. Like that was a smart idea.” “I didn’t see you staying behind, now did I?” “Technicality,” Janine stood up. “Ashley! Do you realize where we are? We’re in Harmony!” With a wicked laugh, Janine started off towards Raven Hill. Tabby might have been a witch, but Janine was a bitch with a capital B sometimes. “Where do you think you’re going?” Ashley chased after her. “You’re not leaving me behind in this heck hole. Dang it!” Janine laughed smugly. “We’re going to the Crane mansion. It’s time to do some redecorating of our own. I’m so tired of letting JER rule the roost.” “Ohhh, I like the sound of that,” Ashley followed along. Off to the mansion it was. Location: Crane Mansion
“Wow, this place looks so different on television,” Janine said to Ashley, touching a marble column. “Then again it’s been so many different places. Never sure what it will turn up as next. What was it last, the hotel or the Crane Building?” Ash shrugged. “Well, with recycled plots and lines they might as well reuse the sets too,” she giggled, pushing open the front door. “Look! No locks!” “Yea, like I expected anything different from this place,” Janine followed Ashley inside the foyer where the plush, red chair awaited them. “You know, you think it couldn’t look worse than it does on TV and then you’re showed just how wrong your assumptions can be. Rebecca must have failed color combinations 101.” “Least of our worries,” Ashley peered into the living room where Luis stood ready to tell Antonio the truth but was busy listening to his brother sweet talk his way around the room. She made a face, sticking her tongue out when Pilar told Antonio that he was always in her heart. “Careful there, Ash, I’m not sure how green will look in this room,” she pushed the doors open a bit wider. “Wow, Luis has such a nice behind. Stupid censors! If I wanted to say behind I would have!” “Shh,” Ashley waved her hand around. “Do you feel that? I think my IQ dropped again. It has to be something in the air around here.” “Or it could be the fact we’re listening to this hopeless drivel,” Janine sighed. “Ashley, I have a plan.” “Ut oh, that can’t bode well for Antonio. You’re plans always foretell misfortune for poor Antonio,” she rolled her eyes. “Can’t help it if I want him to drop off the face of the earth now can I?” Janine frowned. “JER was really stupid to put this show together so poorly, but someone, somewhere let us come here to fix his mistakes. Let’s make these people wake up and smell the gourmet roasted coffee beans!” “Where do we start?” Ashley said. “They aren’t the brightest group on earth.” “Ashley, hun, the entire town is a few apples short of a complete bushel but only one or two of them are ripe.” Janine smirked. “Follow my lead,” she opened the door and was immediately dressed in designed clothing and weigh about three pounds when wet. Whoever said TV added ten pounds obviously was never sucked into a soap opera parallel universe. “Hello everyone!” Antonio stopped mid line to look over his shoulder at her and his eyes widened in surprise. “Who are you?” “Your worst nightmare,” Ashley replied, earning a bump in the ribs from Janine. “I’m Janine and this is Ashley, we’re,” she paused, “new in town and we’re escaping some blah, blah, blah,” she faded off, hoping no one would notice. Of course, they didn’t. “We saw the lights on here and decided to join the party.” “We’re not having a party,” Antonio told the pair. “I was just telling everyone how much I love them before I die. I have some incurable brain disease from having car accidents while racing.” “Wow, you know my cousin had that,” Ashley nodded. “But he’s still alive and happily married to the woman of his dreams. I honestly think that you’ll make it, no matter what anyone says.” “Ashley, two things,” Janine held up her index finger. “Shut. Up,” she growled in a heated whisper. No one in the room even noticed she said anything. Ashley pouted. “Well, I can’t help it if the man is never really going to die because this is a crappy soap opera where no one really dies. They’re all going to live forever because JER will replace them when they get to old.” Knowing she had a point, Janine moved on. She definitely wasn’t going to argue with the only logic this universe had. “Ashley’s right,” she returned the group to her conversation. “Her cousin is alive and well with his wife and children. They have a wonderful life together.” Sheridan looked about ready to pass out, the thought of being stuck with Antonio for life plaguing her. “So, this cousin is really all right? Has he seen a white light and survived massive shocks to his system?” “Of course,” Ashley smiled brightly. “In fact, his older brother was in love with his wife at one point and they told him. Nothing happened at all and the girl, who is now my cousin’s wife, decided that she really was in love with him and not his brother.” Luis scowled, looking at Sheridan. He could see the gears turning in her head and grabbed her arm. “I need to talk to you,” he mumbled, pulling her out of her seat and towards the foyer. “Luis, where are you going with my fiancée?” Antonio asked, eyebrows meeting in confusion. “I want to be with her now.” “I need to talk to her,” Luis replied again, pulling Sheridan out and shutting the door. Steam seemed to pour forth from Beth’s ears and Mrs. Wallace just smirked. “Ash,” Janine leaned closer, whispering in her friend’s ears. “You keep giving Antonio false hope and I’m going to go run some interference with dip-us and dork-us. OK?” An evil, grinch-like grin spread across Ashley’s face. “Of course, but you’ll owe me some groovy-ness for this one. No, major groovy-ness.” Janine sighed. So much for getting Sam and Ivy together. “Deal, in the mean time, see if you can get Hank on the phone. Try something like 1-800-Old-Hank. This is a soap, if it doesn’t start in 555, it spells something.” Ashley nodded and whipped out a brand new, state of the art cell phone. Once again the soap land had its benefits. While she dialed the number, Janine slipped out into the foyer where Sheridan and Luis were silent as if waiting for a cue. Rolling her eyes, she saw a little red-light blink and realized that was where the camera was located. The light started the conversation between the lovers. “We’re telling him now Sheridan or it’s over,” Luis stood firm, leaning over his fiancée. “I’m tired of seeing my brother drool all over you and I sure as hell won’t let him bed you tonight.” “He’s too sick to bed anyone,” Sheridan sounded frustrated about Antonio’s lack of sex drive. “I doubt the man will make it to the cottage before he’s asleep,” she crossed her arms. Luis’ eyes flashed. “If I didn’t know better, I would think that you wanted to sleep with Antonio, Sheridan. But we all know how wrong that is, right?” Janine shook her head. Why did these people ask questions they knew they weren’t going to get the answer to or weren’t going to like the answer to? Not the most intelligent species sometimes. “Of course not!” Sheridan defended herself. “I don’t want to sleep with him, but I refuse to hurt your mother or our relationship by killing him tonight. After all those beautiful things he said.” Luis looked ill. “Beautiful my behind,” he grumbled. “That was a charade, Sheridan. Antonio doesn’t have a loving bone in his body. He left my family when they needed him most. But I love you, Sheridan, and I need you. I want to be your husband and I don’t want to do this anymore. This façade has got to end.” “Luis,” she whimpered, falling into his arms. “I love you too and I don’t want to stand the chance of losing you. I can’t,” she pulled him into a kiss. Suddenly, the door opened behind Janine with a crash. Antonio stood with one hand holding his head as a blinding light filled the room. It was the first time Janine realized that everyone saw the light and ignored it, leaving Antonio to believe he was dying. Just as quickly as it came, the light disappeared and Antonio was standing tall. “I know what’s going on here.” “No,” Janine interrupted before he could say something stupid. “You haven’t the foggiest what’s going on in here,” she told Antonio as Sheridan and Luis jumped apart. “Look, Antonio, I’m going to do something viewers…er, Luis and Sheridan should have done ages ago. Those two,” she pointed to Luis and Sheridan, “are in love and engaged to be married. Sheridan’s lover, the dead one, isn’t really dead. He’s your kid brother.” “No way,” Antonio laughed. “Sheridan, tell me she’s wrong.” Sheridan, who wanted to question how someone new could know such a thing, simply looked at Luis. Both brothers waiting on pins and needles to hear what she was going to say. Finally, she signed helplessly and responded, “Antonio, she’s wrong. You know I love only you.” Luis fumed, pushing Sheridan out of his arms and throwing his hands in the air. “We’re through,” he told her, pulling Janine aside. “Let’s get out of here?” “Me?” Janine stuttered; that wasn’t supposed to happen! “You have no idea how tempting that offer is but I have a few more things to fix around here first,” Janine pouted, wishing Sheridan hadn’t been so stupid but definitely reaping the benefits. “You go on back to the Bed and Breakfast, I should be there in about seven scenes.” Luis nodded and left the mansion alone. Janine just shook her head. The stupidity was smothering her, though Sheridan looked about ready to strangle her. “I’m going to leave you two alone to plan the wedding,” she smiled slightly, heading upstairs. “Call me if you need some kind of input on dresses,” she ran up the remaining steps. She only hoped Ashley was having more luck than she was. Ashley placed the call to 1-800-Old-Hank, which amazingly worked. Of course, what neither girl knew what that any phone number stated in TV land worked instantaneously as if it always existed. While she made the call to Hank, Beth followed her mother around the living room. Mrs. Wallace was placing valuables in her purse and Beth was removing them and returning them to their places. Liz and Eve just stood back, watching the two women work while Pilar prayed on the couch. TC was growing tired of waiting around and headed off down one of the hallways towards the back of the house. He was in the mood for pounding something and Julian seemed like the perfect thing to pound. With the call complete, Ashley placed her cell back into her purse and looked over at the remaining five people in the room. Walking over to Eve, she said, “So, I hear you were a lounge singer once.” Eve immediately looked around to make sure no one was listening, not that they showed any reaction to the news if they heard it. Grabbing Ashley’s arm, she begged, “How did you know that? If anyone hears you it will be the end of my marriage and career. TC will never forgive me!” “For what?” Ashley asked, lost. “Singing? Man, you must never sing in the shower then, huh?” Liz laughed. “She’s not that good, despite popular belief. I was much better.” “You sing?” Ashley questioned. “Wow, you’re a musical family. You know who else sings in this town? Some girl Whitney and her boyfriend, Chad. I heard them singing together and they’re really rather amazing. You four should start a band and travel together.” Eve, who should have been more shocked over the fact her daughter was dating Chad when she denied it so adamantly, replied, “Whitney sings?” Liz and Ashley shared a look before Ashley responded, “I did say that, didn’t I? Wait, I know that rhetorical questions go over people’s heads here so I’ll give you the answer. I just said that.” “I didn’t know she sang,” Eve told Liz. “Obviously,” Liz and Ashley voiced. “Come on, Liz, we have to leave,” Eve grabbed her medical bag, totally forgetting that Antonio’s “condition” could kill him at any moment. “I need to, um,” she paused, searching her mind for a good excuse. “We have to go speak with my daughter about the lie she’s been telling me.” “Why do I have to go?” Liz asked, crossing her arms. “I knew they were dating when I caught them in bed together the other day,” she covered her mouth. She wasn’t supposed to say that. Eve shrugged. “Just come on,” she dragged her out of the room. Ashley just watched them leave the room, totally lost as to how someone could be so completely vacant and still be the only known source of medical care in town. Shaking her head, she prayed to God that if she had some disease it was incurable because she’d rather die than undergo treatment from Eve. Just as Eve and Liz walked out the front door, totally forgetting that they arrived with TC, Hank Bennett walked in. Ashley wiped her eyes not once, but twice, to be sure she was seeing things correctly. Amazingly enough, it was the old Hank and not the tree formerly known as Hank Bennett. He strolled inside, slamming the door behind him and looking around. “Wow, I know I’ve been away a while but what the heck happened to this place?” Hank asked, kicking the plush chair and winching. “Wait, let me guess, Rebecca Hotchkiss was here, wasn’t she?” “Hank?” Beth’s eyes widened. “You’ve…well I’m not sure what to say.” “There’s a shock,” he smirked. “Beth, I love the new do, really. You’re looking quite manly and awfully psychotic today.” “Oh, she is, she really is,” Mrs. Wallace nodded. “She’s been trying to kill me. In fact, earlier today she locked me in a closet and then came after me with an axe.” Beth squeezed her mother tightly, gritting her teeth together. “My mother always jokes around. She’s such a riot, I swear, one day she’s going to be doing comedy in a basement somewhere,” she looked at her mother. “Maybe Sweet Serenity?” Mrs. Wallace blanched. “I think I need to…yea,” she quickly walked away, totally neglecting the walker she was supposed to use. She disappeared down the same hallway that TC early used. “So, Hank, what are you doing here?” Beth questioned, watching as Ashley neared them. “Oh no, you didn’t call him here thinking I’d give up Luis, did you?” “Well, one could only hope you’d wake up and realize Luis wants nothing to do with you, Beth. I mean, ok the man slept with you, what, once? He’s been attached to Sheridan, dreamed about her and pretty much decisive in the fact he wasn’t giving her up and you’re still in this…well anyway,” Ashley cut off her tirade. “Hanky here is going to be your new boyfriend.” “Oh no!” Beth shrieked. “I don’t want Hank. He’s…Hank!” Hank wiggled his eyebrows. “You’re mind now babe. I’ve been recontracted to be your husband in this new little land of theirs.” “NO!” she screamed, running out onto the balcony. “NO!!!!” Hank ran after her, much like Peppe La Pew in Buggs Bunny cartoons. Ashley quickly crossed to the doors of the patio and screamed, “Run, Forrest, run! Darn that woman runs like a really weak girl. Hank’s bound to get her eventually.” Looking around, she noticed she was now left with only Pilar. Having no idea what they were going to do with the old nun-like woman… Nun-like? Ashley grinned. Oh she had an idea. Whipping out her cell again, she placed another phone call and hoped Janine would join her soon. Janine wandered the upstairs of the mansion, learning that behind certain doors was nothing but a fifty-foot drop. She had to remember not to go running through any of those rooms. Shaking her head, she peeked into another room and found TC and Rebecca going at it on one of the beds. Her eyes widened in surprise and she nearly screamed, but instead she covered her mouth. She couldn’t believe what was going on. TC was dressed in a loincloth and Rebecca in an Amazon Princess Costume. She had him on his knees and was making him massage her feet and suck on her toes. Janine shuttered when she heard Amazon Becks say, “If you do that well, slave boy, I’ll let you find out if Vanilla melts in your mouth.” “Ewww,” Janine shut the door quickly, fighting the urge to gag. “Why do I always have to have the freaky experiences? First Luis, now Becks and TC…what’s next? Theresa and…oh let’s not curse myself. I’m not ready to face the brainless wonder and her sidekick can’t think for himself boy. If that kid was any more attached to Mommy’s hip they’d need a double wide wheel chair.” “Except, I no longer use the wheel chair,” Ivy appeared in a doorway, leaning against the doorframe. “I can’t believe how amazingly stupid some people are. Like a simple bolt of lighting could bring someone like Poison Ivy Crane down!” “You refer to yourself as Poison Ivy? Wow, wait until Ashley hears about that,” Janine considered just what it would mean for Ashley to know her nickname was going global. “Such a pity you waste all your time on Sam, though he is hot mind you, when you have a perfectly good specimen of man right in your own house,” Janine blanched. Even she couldn’t say that statement without the stomach churning it brought along. “You mean there’s a hot man in this house that isn’t a Lopez-Fitzgerald brother?” Janine smiled bright. One thing the Lopez-Fitzgerald boys had were hot genes! “Um, yes,” she nodded, the motion making her head hurt. “Julian.” Ivy laughed hysterically. “No, really. Where I come from Julian is actually considered a hot man. Women want him, lots of women. In fact, there is a fan-club that call themselves his hoochies or something like that. I’m not one of them, give me Luis any day.” “Hmm I’d take Luis any day too,” Ivy murmured. “Anyway, I honestly don’t see myself with Julian. Sure, I might have loved him once before he told his father that he was going to fool around on me because he didn’t love me.” “Sweetie, I hate to burst your bubble, but you had three children with the man and tried to pass Ethan off as his, obviously you had sex. No offense, but if you slept with him at least four times, you have to admit that you were willing and lusting.” Ivy blushed. “I thought he was Sam…yes, that’s it. Sam.” “Right, and I thought that the people in Harmony were intelligent. Look, Ivy, do you mind if I call you Ivy?” “Actually…” “Too bad. Now, Ivy, I know you love Sam and you want Sam, I honestly can’t blame you. Those chiseled abs, those beautiful blue eyes, the rugged good…stopping now,” Janine took a deep breath. “He’s hot, I know he is, you know he is. Grace, his wife, knows he is. And don’t start with the David crap cause I know he’s not her husband. Anyway, Sam doesn’t want you and Julian does and there are a lot of people that think you two could really have something if you tried.” ‘God help me,’ Janine thought, ‘I’m going to hell for this.’ “Well,” Ivy thought about her times with Julian, especially the near love making on his desk in the computer room. “I guess there have been some good times. Excuse me, I have someone to do,” Ivy quickly disappeared down the hall. “Ok, that was too much information!” Janine shivered. Taking another risk, as spurred on by the continuous drop of her IQ, Janine continued down the hallway and found a huge Redwood door at the end of the corridor. Intrigued, though wary, she cracked the door open just the slightest bit. She was very happy to hear chatter coming from inside. Pushing the door open further, she was assailed with another sight to make her eyes hurt. On a giant oak desk sat Mrs. Wallace, her legs crossed and one bare foot resting in Alistair’s lap. Alistair was puffing away on a cigar, caressing Mrs. Wallace’s thigh. “So, what brand do you prefer?” “Oh, generics are all my Bethy will spring for, the cheap witch that she is. Wet yourself once and those things are pretty much falling apart. Of course, she’s not home most of the day and I end up changing my own diapers.” “Oh, I know the feeling. Incontinence is a terrible pain,” Alistair shook his head. “I use Depends mind you and I have a staff that is willing to take care of all my needs,” his hand continued up past her knee. “Why don’t you let me take care of your needs for a little while,” he wiggled his eyebrows in, what could only be termed, seduction. “Oh now I know I’m going to be sick,” Janine ran out of the room, slamming the door behind her. First TC and Eve, then Ivy and now Big Al and Mrs. Wallace. She’s lucky she hadn’t eaten all day or else she’d be sick. Backing down the hallway the way she came, Janine decided she was safest dealing with a very ticked off Sheridan and a blissfully happy Antonio. In fact, Dumb and Dumber were way better than the porno floor. She wondered if Ashley was having this kind of luck. Ashley continued to hear the shrieking of Beth as Hank chased her around the grounds of the mansion. She couldn’t wait to see what happened when he finally caught the woman. Just as she was about the close the French doors to the patio, Father Lonigan walked up the path. His cane smashed the bottom window into pieces and cracked when it hit the wood of the second door. Stopping and leaning on the nearly destroyed cane, he smiled. “You’re new in town, aren’t you? I do not know your scent yet,” he swayed slightly on his feet, nearly falling over twice. “My scent?” Ashley inhaled deeply. “Smells like someone’s been hitting the sacramental wine again there, Padre.” “Oh no, that would be wrong,” he slurred slightly. “Now, you called about an applicant to the convent. We haven’t had a nun in a long time,” he paused for a moment. “Been at least three years. Of course, she somehow got pregnant so she had to leave the order.” Ashley blinked a few times and then looked over at Pilar. She hated to do this to the woman, but considering she did nothing but pray and keep secrets she was a prime candidate. “Yes, Father, we do have an applicant. Of course, she may be a tad reluctant to admit it but she’s been a nun for the last seventeen or so years.” “Who is she?” he asked. “Pilar.” “Me?” Pilar gasped, her prayer interrupted. “How can I be a nun? I have children and somewhere I have a husband I love.” “I hate to break it to you, Pilar,” Ashley sat beside her, patting her arm gently. “But Martin’s been gone a very long time and I think it might be safe to assume he isn’t returning. Your children are grown; Miguel has plans to be married this year. I think you should do this for yourself.” “Trust me,” Father Lonigan smiled. “You’ll enjoy every moment you’re living at the church.” “No, I don’t want to be a nun!” Pilar fought as two other priests walked inside. They walked to her and each grabbed an arm, pulling her towards the French doors. “I said I didn’t want to be a nun! I like sex! No love it…” “Waaaaay too much information,” Ashley crossed quickly to the wet bar and poured herself a drink. Father Lonigan followed behind the screaming Pilar, trying to soothe her by saying, “Oh, don’t worry, Pilar, celibacy is only for the young ones.” Ashley spit her brandy out all over the floor. What kind of screwed up Universe was this? She couldn’t wait a minute longer; she had to find Janine and find the exit before they both ended up as stupid as the rest of them. She started off in search of her friend when she walked into a very solid, sweet smelling man. “Woah there little lady,” he caught her and stood her on her feet. “You need to be more careful. This place can be like Grand Central Station so you can run into people so easily.” Ashley’s mouth dropped open wide and she looked into the most beautiful eyes on earth. She knew the accent the second he opened his mouth and she could have kissed him silly then and there. “Oh my God, you really are better looking in person. I wasn’t sure that was possible.” “Do I know you?” “No, but I know you. I’ve dreamed about you forever,” she sighed contently. “My name is Ashley and I love you. Please stop chasing Grace; I’ll be a good wife to you.” David laughed. “Really? Well, I always had a thing for raven-haired beauties with chocolate colored eyes. Besides, chasing Grace really isn’t an option any longer.” “Oh? Why’s that?” Ashley asked. “Besides meeting you and not caring about her anymore,” David offered her a smile that turned her legs to rubber. “She and Sam had a bit of a Tomato Soup Cake accident.” “Oh really? Janine’s going to be so disappointed…wait, what kind of accident?” “The cake blew up the house,” he shook his head. “Really was a mess, there was tomato paste all over the ground and the stench was horrible. I feel bad for their neighbor, Tabitha, her doll was destroyed in the same miserable blast.” “Oh, that is terrible. I wish I had someone to break the news to…oh wait, I do!” Ashley giggled hysterically. “Besides breaking it to Janine, I can tell Ivy and make her go back to Julian and then make him dump Ho-white.” “What?” David looked confused. “Nothing,” Ashley smiled innocently. “Look, why don’t we go out for dinner after I find my friend. I think she has plans with Luis.” “Sounds like a wonderful idea,” he smiled that same knee-weakening smile. “See you soon, beautiful.” Ashley sighed and almost didn’t leave his presence. Her plans changed, she decided to seek out Ivy first and give her the heart breaking news about her beloved Sam. Walking down the hall, she heard an erotic scream coming from the library. “Oh God, Julian!” Freezing in her tracks, Ashley realized that it wasn’t just any voice she heard calling to her beloved Pimp-Daddy. It was Poison Ivy Crane herself! Ivy and Julian weren’t arguing either, she could tell by their breathing. They were getting it on and not just anywhere, but on the sacred Juvy desk! “YES! Oh remind me to kiss that girl,” she scampered up the back staircase and found her friend standing lost in the center of the hallway upstairs. “Janine! What are you doing?” “I was scared to move,” Janine sobbed. “Every time I open a door someone is having sex behind it. This is worse than those pay-by-the-hour motels!” Ashley laughed. “Well you can add Juvy to the sex list,” she grinned evilly. “They are getting it on as we speak. Of course, Sam’s untimely demise might have something to do with it.” “What? Sam died? When?” “Today, blown up in a tomato soup cake incident,” Ashley shook her head, feigning sadness. “Oh, by the way, I have a date with David.” “Dude, the man is old enough to be your father,” Janine made a face. “At least Luis is only…how old am I around here?” “Let’s say twenty-six and I’ll be twenty-four.” “Ok, Luis is only six years older than me.” “Lucky you,” they started walking down the hall. “So, you know who I haven’t seen while we were here at all?” “Who?” “Ho…” “ETHAN HOW COULD YOU?” Theresa’s screams filled the hallway. “Spoke too soon,” Ashley groaned as Janine pushed open the door. “Theresa, you’ll wake the baby with a scream like that,” Ethan pulled his pants on while Gwen burrowed beneath the sheets on the bed. “It’s not what you think!” Janine looked at Ashley, who gave her the same look in return. You’d have to be an idiot not to realize what Gwen and Ethan had been doing before being rudely interrupted by Theresa’s fowl howl. “I thought we were getting married, Ethan,” Gwen pouted. “We’re having a baby.” “You’re what!?” Theresa looked at Gwen, screaming again. “Dude, turn the volume down woman. All of Maine doesn’t need to hear you!” Janine shuddered. “Look, why can’t the three of you solve this problem? You act as if it’s complicated. Ok, you dumped Gwen for Theresa, who turned out to be a lousy wife. Honestly, both of them are stupid for wanting your sorry behind!” “Hey, my behind isn’t sorry,” Ethan frowned. “He’s got you there, Janine. He has one fiiiiiiine looking behind!” Ashley smiled. “Who are you again?” Gwen asked the two of them. “People who are going to fix this stupid little problem. Look, if the three of you can’t decide who gets Ethan, then you either both have to give him up,” Ashley stated. “Not happened,” Gwen shook her head. “Fate won’t let that happen!” Theresa crossed her arm. “My baby needs a father.” “Well then if you can’t give him up,” Janine couldn’t figure out just why they couldn’t give him up. “You both have to agree to marry him, it’s just the way it works.” “Why didn’t I think of that?” Gwen asked excitedly. “That saves both our problems!” Janine and Ashley just backed away slowly as a double wedding with just the one groom was prepared by Theresa and Gwen. Neither had the nerve to speak and interrupt the meeting of the minds that was taking place inside the room. As soon as they were out the door, both turned on their heels and scurried down the hall and descended the main staircase into the foyer. There they found Kay and Fox making out. “What the heck? Kay?” Ashley asked, looking closer. “What happened to your Miguel obsession?” “Can you believe he turned out gay? I mean, we had sex and the man is actually gay,” she shook her head. “He ran off with John after we told Charity they truth about our sleeping together. Then he confessed he was in love with John and Charity went psycho. She killed Simone and then was locked away with that Norma woman. Fox and I met each other when I was on my way up here to find my father. I mean, he’s been here so often I just assumed he moved in.” “Ok,” Janine nodded. “Look, Ash, you go have fun with David. I’m going to find Luis. If we’re stuck here we might as well enjoy our time with some of the fine looking men.” “Oh I agree,” Kay wiggled her eyebrows suggestively at Fox. “What do you say we find your room?” “Good idea,” Fox took her hand and grabbed her upstairs. Janine and Ashley just watched, unable to say a single word. Location: The Church
Several couples, and one trio, stood up front of the church before Father Lonigan and the happiest nun on earth, Pilar. Off to one side, the latest hit since the Spice Girls, The Malpractice awaited their Harmony debut. Eve, Liz and Whitney had two platinum records under thanks to their manager, Chad, and had been booked to sing at the wedding of Theresa, Gwen, Janine, Ashley, Sheridan, Kay, Ivy, Rebecca…well you get the picture. Ready to take their vows, the women all clung to the men they loved, Janine especially tight, and listened for their cue. “Do you women take these men to be your lawfully wedded husbands?” “YES!” all of the women cried. “Do you men take these women to be your lawfully wedded wives?” Some of the men hesitated a moment; two whispered, “Yes,” quickly; one actually said “I take her repeatedly, especially when I’m drunk.” (You can guess who that was.) The wedding continued with whatever part of the town wasn’t getting married present and many extras whom had never been seen before. In the back row, Tabby sat alone and watched giddily as true love seemed to strike out in this giant wedding. “See, Timmy,” she mumbled to herself out of habit. “Evil always wins.” Location: A Living Room in the US
Rachel watched the TV intently as the marriage of her favorite couple took place. Sheridan seemed to grimace when Antonio forced the wedding band onto her left hand and didn’t notice he cut her skin. But it wasn’t just her favorite couple that held her attention. On the screen were two very beautiful girls that seemed vaguely familiar to her. Of course, there were slight differences, but when they spoke she couldn’t help but notice the resemblance. “Man, if I didn’t know better, I would think those actresses were Janine and Ashley. How weird that JER used their names…Speaking of Janine and Ash, I wonder where they are.” Shrugging, Rachel returned to the last half of her soap. She vaguely heard the character Janine whispered to Ashley, “See, I told you the fate of fools is only determined by the bigger idiot.” “Hey, wouldn’t that make us stupid?” Ashley asked. “No, we rewrote the idiot’s ideas and we’re just better at it.”
|