I flip open my wallet, looking down at the picture of my beautiful little girl. She’s five months old today and beautiful as ever. I have never seen a happier baby in my life and the second she sees me her little eyes light up and I just glow inside and out. Sheridan is a wonderful mother and Tamera couldn’t be more loved by any parent. But deep down inside I know Sheridan wishes Tam had a complete family, one with a mother and a father. I just haven’t found a way to open back up to Sheridan again. For four months I’ve stayed in this town, living with my mother as I attend classes at Harmony University and work at the same time. Mama is wonderful about the whole thing, but I know she wants me to move on again with Sheridan. We’re both ready, but inside I’m still hurting.

I flip the plastic covers to an older picture; this one is of Sheridan and me from before her disappearance at sea. She hasn’t changed much since then, still the beautiful vibrant woman that I’ve always loved. But love wasn’t enough before and I’m not sure it is enough now. Looking over at the dresser, I find the engagement ring I have purchased for Sheridan. I couldn’t give her the same ring that Antonio once believed came from him and I had nothing else to offer her. So, I decided to buy her one from a store in town. It isn’t much of a diamond, but it is what I can afford. Still, I haven’t proposed to her yet.

“Mijo, I’m going to bed,” Mama pauses at my door, seeing me look at the photographs in my wallet and the ring. “Something wrong, Luis?” she asks.

“No Mama, just thinking,” I reply, putting my wallet on the nightstand. “Mama, do you honestly believe love is enough to get by on?”

She enters the room, sitting on the bed beside me and removing the wallet from the nightstand. She opens it to the picture of Tam and smiles brightly. “If you ever find yourself questioning the power of love, mijo, you must look into the eyes of a child.” She taps the area just below Tam’s eyes. “What do you see?”

Tam, of course, is just a baby, but it’s quite easy to tell that she adores her family. The photograph was cut from a copy of a larger one. Tam was smiling so brightly because Sheridan and I were playing on the floor with her. She always brightens up this way around a family member. “I see love, Mama, and trust.”

She nods. “All children love and trust that their parents will do what is best for them and always have a place for them. It’s enough for a child to have someone to love them; in fact it’s what they need most. But somewhere over the years people begin looking at money and power, fame and career. They stop trusting on the underlying fact that love is what holds the world together, Luis. Do you love Sheridan?”

“With all my heart, Mama. And I love Tam too, very much.”

“Then you should remember that. Pain fades, mijo, but love is one thing that’s always constant, if you let it be,” she hands me the wallet, which she has turned to the picture of Sheridan. “Your heart knows what to do. Goodnight.”

“Night, Mama,” I murmur, hearing her close the door softly behind her.

My heart obviously can’t fight my head forever on this one so I know that the two will have to agree eventually. I love Sheridan; I can confess that quite easily. But our love wasn’t powerful enough in the past when Antonio arrived in town and yet it was still there when we made Tamera. Closing my eyes, I think of that last night together. There was something in our lovemaking that made it special; something that told me it was going to change our lives forever. I originally thought it could be the last time we were going to make love, considering both of us were to marry someone else the next day. But it wasn’t. We created a life and that made our last time together memorable.

Thinking of Sheridan hurts, though. Not only did both of us admit that we were in love when I returned to town, but I pushed her away. I told her I needed time to think about us. She’s been wonderful about it, dropping Tam off to spend weekends or afternoons with me. But giving my daughter back is painful for me. I can’t stand not seeing her whenever I want and holding her if she cries at night. I’m missing so much of her life waiting for my indecision to clear up. But what can I do about it? I can’t rush, can I?

Opening my eyes, I reach for the phone. Lifting the receiver, I start dialing Sheridan’s number. I recline on the bed, holding the phone with my shoulder as it rings. I count the tones: one…five…ten. But Sheridan never answers on the other end. My eyes tear as her answering machine picks up. On the machine you can hear Tam laughing in the background and I start to cry. I can’t wait another moment. I have to make a decision before it’s too late.

Getting out of bed, I walk over to my dresser and pick up and picture of Tamera and Sheridan taken at Christmas. Tam is wearing a red bow from one of her presents on her head and she’s sucking on a piece of wrapping paper that Sheridan didn’t get away fast enough. I can remember it almost as if it were yesterday: the way Sheridan squealed when she saw Tam put the paper in her mouth, the way Tam squeaked irately when the paper was taken away and the way Theresa captured the whole thing on film. It is a moment I will never forget as long as I live and it is moments like that one that make my heart light and help me to see that the future isn’t so grim at all. In fact, it’s quit bright.

Grabbing a few things, I leave my room and head out of the house quiet as a mouse so I don’t wake anyone.

I climb into my car with nothing but the money in my pocket and the ring I bought for Sheridan. I have two options: I can leave town again and avoid this entirely or I can go to her house and finally make her mine forever. Placing my head against the cold steering wheel, I allow myself to finally cry, something I don’t do often. Sheridan has held onto the belief that I was going to come back and make her mine for almost two years. Can I possibly ask her to continue holding on for much longer knowing that I was wrong to give her up in the first place?

I never should have left Harmony; I realize that now. I should have stayed and fought for her or at least fought for her sooner. But I didn’t. I gave her up so easily to my brother and now I’ve lost so much time with the woman I love. My ego had been wounded and I let that cloud my judgment four months ago when I told her I needed time. I didn’t need time. I knew then and there that I wanted Sheridan to be my wife, especially after she told me that Tamera was my child and not Antonio’s. Hearing her tell me how she kept it hidden by sleeping on the couch until he was hospitalized and even then suffering the early stages of labor by gritting her teeth and holding her breath was amazing. She never let Antonio know her secret and when he finally slipped into coma as she gave birth to Tam, Sheridan finally gave into her own pain and cried, longing and looking for me.

Sheridan was so brave without me in her life. She constantly tells me that the only reason she held on so easily was because she had a piece of me with her the entire time I was gone. Tam kept her from falling apart and made her muddle through the days without me. She was nothing without me; she admits that, but what she doesn’t know is how I was lost without her. I threw myself into work and school, avoiding everyone and anyone that came into my life. I wasn’t complete; in fact, I was miserable and every day I suffered. I kept thinking of my brother having the woman I wanted in his arms, in his bed. I didn’t know that she was denying him, avoiding him, caring for him like he was a child. Now my biggest fear is that I’m too late to bring her back to me. If I continue to wait, to put off this decision, will she still be there?

Starting the car, I pull out of the driveway and head towards her home. I’m not going to let it be too late. I am going to tell Sheridan what I should have said months ago.

When I arrive at Sheridan’s house, I shut off the car and just sit there, staring at the house that has only one light on. Sheridan always leaves on the light in the living room. She once said that she’s done it since I moved away from Harmony because it was a signal to me that I was always welcome. Of course, I didn’t know that when I was living in New York and going to school. I didn’t have a clue that Sheridan was leaving a light on as an invitation to me. But I was touched and still am. That light means she hasn’t given up hope on me, on us. If it were out, I would know that she didn’t want me anymore.

This house is new. She bought it just before Antonio passed away so that she could have a place that didn’t remind her of her days as his nurse and wife. The cottage held too many memories for Sheridan and she couldn’t stand them anymore. She didn’t want to remember him and she didn’t want to think about her family, so she packed up the house and found a place she and our daughter could live. This was it, a one level home that was as quaint as the cottage but as beautiful as any mansion.

Climbing from the car, I rehearse what I am going to say to her. I can’t simply say, “Sheridan, I’ve changed my mind. I was foolish. Marry me.” It’s not enough. She deserves more than that and our situation should have more of an explanation. I have been keeping her hanging for the last four months. It’s my job to make this right for her and for myself. I can’t fix this with a few words; I have to show her I really mean this.

I ring the bell, hoping I don’t wake the baby; I’d feel terrible if I roused her since she can be a challenge to get to sleep. I should know; more than once I’ve spend half a night rocking her in an old rocker trying to get her into bed. The second you put her in the crib, she cries, so I would hate if some visitor made enough noise to get her out of bed.

I start marching in place because the cold is seeping in through my jacket, numbing my gloveless fingers. I breathe into my hands, trying to warm them, looking around for any sign that Sheridan has heard the bell. I’m just about to ring the bell again when the front door opens and a very sleepy looking Sheridan reveals herself.

“Luis?” she yawns, looking back and forth to be sure no one sees her in her current state of dress. “What are you doing here?”

“Um,” I’m suddenly very nervous and aware of the late hour. “I’m sorry to have bothered you, Sheridan. I didn’t realize the time.” I turn and start to descend the stairs. I can’t do this now. It hasn’t started the way it should. She was supposed to be happy to see me and throw her arms around me, excited that I came at a time I normally wouldn’t. Instead, I interrupted what little slumber she would have while Tam dozes.

“Luis, wait,” she calls, following me down the steps in her bare feet. Grabbing my arm, she turns me to face her. “I’m sorry. I was just surprised to see you.”

“I figured,” I look up at the stars. It’s not often they’re visible on the winter nights here in Harmony. Usually it’s snowing or at least overcast day and night from November until March. “You know, Sheridan, when I was away, the sky was so smoggy and bright from the lights that you really couldn’t see all the stars. But there was always this one star that you could see no matter where you were, it was always there for me and at night I used to imagine that you were looking at it and taking to me.”

She’s silent, which is fine because I don’t expect her to speak. All I want is for her to listen to what I have to say. For a moment, she looks up at the sky and tries to find a star that could be visible in New York no matter what night it was or no matter how polluted the air was. She finds the very brightest and points to it. “That one?”

I nod. “The star wasn’t really enough to keep me holding on to the hope that you were going to be here waiting for me to return. I kept imagining Antonio getting better and your starting a family with him. It bothered me to even think of that, so I wouldn’t think. I wouldn’t even try to remember you, but you’d always be in my head. Even now, you’re always in my head.”

She looks confused, but I don’t stop.

“Every day it gets harder to be without you, Sheridan. I can’t handle not having you in my life as my wife. You have my daughter and I want to be a real father to her, not someone that drops in once in a while to see her. I need you and I can’t hold on without you anymore. If you don’t love me, I’m going to turn into nothing. I’m already halfway there. I can’t take another day sleeping in my lonely bed and reaching for your body to find it isn’t there anymore.”

Her hand cups my cheek and she smiles softly, looking right into my eyes. I can’t look away, mesmerized by the look she is giving me. If love and devotion were tangible, they would be Sheridan right now. “Luis, do you remember what I told you the day you came home?”

“That you’d always love me,” I reply.

“That’s right. I will always love you, Luis. You’re the reason I wake up every morning and find myself able to face the day. You and Tam are my whole life; I’d be nothing without you.” She shivers as a cold gust of air blows. “It’s cold.”

“I’m sorry. I guess I got a little carried away and didn’t realize that you’re not exactly dressed for an outdoor conversation.” I wait, hoping she’ll invite me inside the house.

“Why don’t we go inside and finish this, Luis? I’m sure there’s a reason for your coming tonight and I’m very interested in learning just what it is,” she climbs the stairs ahead of me and then waits by the door. “Coming?”

“Yea,” I take the steps two at a time. We both go into the house and I drop my coat onto the rack by the door. For a moment we stand there looking at each other and I laugh, thinking that we’re acting like a pair of teenagers on their first date. It isn’t like Sheridan and I haven’t been together before.

“So,” she moves away, sitting on the couch and playing with the sash to her robe. “You were saying outside that you needed me to love you, Luis. How could you ever doubt that I do?”

“It’s stupid,” I admit, joining her in the living room, “but sometimes I’m not sure anymore, Sheridan. I’ll wake up and believe that I’m going to come here and propose to you so we can be a family and then I get here and realize that I’m not sure if my love is going to be enough to carry us through. Other days I wake up and realize I have nothing left, I’m sapped of anything I could have given you, even love, and that I must be too late to love you anyway. It’s frightening.”

“And today?” she asks. “Which of those days is today?”

“Neither,” I respond, moving near her. “Today I’m sure that your trust in us was what I should have had all along. I regret every choice I’ve made over the last fourteen months, except the one I am making right now.”

Dropping to my knee in front of her, I take her hands into mine stilling their motion. She looks at me with bright blue eyes, tears already forming in the corners. “I was wrong about love, Sheridan. Love is enough to keep you going every day and it’s enough for us to live on. We could be poor as long as we have each other. And that’s the point. Without you, I’m nothing. I can’t live without you another moment, Sheridan.”

She waits on pins and needles for the question she knows I’m going to ask. I take a deep breath and smile at her. Her smile is faltering because she’s nervous, so instead she catches her bottom lip between her teeth in that habit she has.

“I think you know what’s coming,” I laugh.

She nods.

“Sheridan, I love you and Tamera so very much but I don’t want to do it from another house eight blocks away. I want to do it from right here beside you day and night. This isn’t perfect. There’s no music or candles and you’re wearing a bathrobe covered in spit up from our daughter,” I chuckle, but she starts crying silently. “What I do know, is that perfection is what we have here,” I touch the area over my heart. “So,” I withdraw the ring from my pocket, flipping open the black lid, softly and nervously I ask, “Sheridan, will you do me the great honor of becoming my wife? Will you marry me?”

Sheridan reaches out and touches the ring, tracing it cautiously with her index finger. I know it doesn’t mean as much as my grandmother’s ring and it isn’t as expensive or flash as the things she could buy for herself; but it’s what I could have the money for. She doesn’t seem insulted, but she still doesn’t speak. I wait impatiently and suddenly she smiles at me.

“I thought you would never ask,” she pauses, shocking me out of my reverie. “Yes,” she tells me, still crying. “I’ll marry you, Luis.”

For a long while my mind is unable to comprehend what’s going on, but as we both sit on the couch holding each other her breathing calms me. It feels so right to be here, almost as if there has never been any time or distance to separate us. She purrs contently and I laugh, thinking that it’s been a long time since I’ve heard that sound from her.

“What are you thinking about?” I ask.

“Us, our daughter, our wedding,” she links her fingers with mine. “I don’t want a formal, big wedding, Luis. I want it to be simple and elegant. I just want to get married to you; it doesn’t matter when or where or how many people are there. As long as the two of us take those vows and finally have the life we deserve, that’s what counts.”

“I couldn’t have said it better myself,” I kiss the top of her head. “What do you say we get married soon, Sheridan? Say, a month?”

“Are you serious?”

“Very.”

“I say it’s the best idea you’ve ever had, Luis. I love you.”

“I love you too,” I kiss her sweetly. “I was lost.”

Smiling, she turns out the light in the living room. “You’re home now.”

The End

Part Five: Endless Love

Disclaimer: This story in is in no way meant to infringe upon the rights belonging to , NBC, or any entity thereof. All rights to Passions and any related content, including characters used, belong to "Outpost Farms Production Inc", James E. Reilly, and NBC.
This story is the property of the author. Copyright 2003. Nothing may be reprinted in whole or in part without the written permission of the author.
All Out Of Love- Copyright © 2003 - All Rights Reserved.