Bermuda, Hotel Hall…

“Oh Brian!” Diana sighed, batting her doe eyes annoyingly. “I can’t wait to meet your nameless brother!”

Brian smiled, rapping his knuckles on the door to the suite again. “Me neither. I know you and my brother will hit it off. And in no time you’ll meet my entire family.” He knocked again, giving anyone inside no time to answer.

“I can hardly wait!” she repeated. “I don’t think I’ve been part of a family before, even though I had that great love affair with my now dead lover who I can see only through the power of the triangle and in my dreams…” she rambled on and on, twirling a short lock of her blond hair.

Another knock, again waiting almost no time for an answer. “He must be at the ball with his girl, we’ll give them some time to…”

“Wait! Wait! Cut! What jerk wrote this crap?” Janine interrupted, looking over the white pages of a Passions script as she entered the scene.

“Who are you?” Diana stared blankly at the short, rotund beauty before her (hey! It’s my story!)

“Someone with a clue,” she replied, tossing the pathetic excuse for writing into a nearby trash bin. “Ok, we are going to redo this scene a tad, so don’t move a muscle.” She started to leave but noticed the two fools were holding their breaths. “Ok, you can breathe!” she rolled her eyes, disappearing and walking across the sound stage. Airheads!

Bermuda, Airport…

“Luis! I am so glad you and I are back together! It only took seventeen years,” Beth fawned, puffing out her chest as enticingly as she could.

Luis forced a smile, running his hand through his sharp hair and cutting a finger on the blades. “Ouch…er yea. Seventeen years. I’m so happy,” he choked. “I should probably call Antonio…er…Brian? Whatever his name is now!”

“Yea,” she pouted with a sigh. “I guess we should see if he and Diana want to come with us. I mean, I would like to meet her without that silly mask.”

Luis mumbled something under his breath about wishing Beth had a mask on now!

“Oh Luis, I love you too…”

“I…”

“Don’t,” Janine held up her hand, stopping him from making a huge ratings mistake. “You’re coming with me. We have a blond moment or three to take care of,” she grabbed his arm, leaving Beth staring at the ceiling.

“Huh?” he asked, following her.

“Oh yes, a match made in Heaven,” she rolled her eyes, speeding up to get this over with.

Bermuda, back at the Hotel…

“I’ve been here already,” he argued as she shoved him towards his room.

“Duh! But I have a surprise. Call it a rewrite!”

“But I have Beth,” he looked ready to vomit.

So did she. “Not anymore,” she turned the corner and then stopped in her tracks. “All right, here’s the new script,” she shoved some pages into his hands. “Ready?”

“Yea, sure,” he shrugged, looking over his new lines.

She sighed and returned to Brian and Diana, who were now turning purple from their efforts to hold their breaths. “You two really are stupid, you know?” she rolled her eyes. “BREATHE,” she commanded, thrusting some scripts into their hands. “On my cue,” she stepped back out of the scene.

They shrugged stupidly.

“Oh action all ready,” she groaned.

“Brian! I wish I could meet your brother, but I have a feeling it would be a severe waste of my time. I mean, after all, my lover isn’t dead at all. I’m just a silly amnesiac that was temporarily living up to the repetitive blond stereotype. In fact, I have a feeling my lover will join us shortly.”

Brian just blinked, looking for his non-existent line.

“We should go look for your brother so I can begin my quest to reunite with my living true love!”

“Looking for me?” Luis strolled in casually. “Antonio, I was looking for you to tell you that Mama…” he faded off as his eyes met Sheridan’s. “Sheridan?”

“Luis? LUIS! I’ve missed you! Kiss me!” she shouted, jumping into his arms and practically tackling him, which definitely wasn’t in the script. Some improvisation was always welcome though.

Janine sighed, one couple down, Lord knew how many to go. She grabbed Brian’s arm. “Come, we have to finish this job.”

Harmony, Book Café…

Hank Bennett, giant extraordinaire, sat sipping a cup of steaming hot water, wondering why the coffee tasted so odd this particular day. He stretched, sighing contently. Life was good. He was alone, single, homeless and without a job, but he had gotten his friend Luis to admit that his recently dead fiancée was definitely gone. To make it better, he had gotten Luis and Beth, the gag me duo, back together again…

Scratching his head, Hank paused. “Now what can I do? I already made Luis’ life better, now what?”

Janine stopped outside the Book Café and watched the Jolly White Giant stretch, smacking some poor waitress as she tried to serve someone else a cup of steaming hot water. The liquid sloshed over a nearby extra, who tore from the establishment in tears. “Ok, you and you,” she pointed at the newly collected Beth and Brian. “Wait here and do nothing but breathe, hear me?”

They nodded.

“Good. Now you,” she pulled on another man’s arm. “Come with me. I’m really tired of the ‘new direction’ this character has taken,” she took him inside and over to the big man’s table. “Excuse us.”

NuHank, stood up from his chair, towering over her like a New York City skyscraper. “Can I help you little lady?”

“Oh oh, look he made a funny giant joke,” she rolled her eyes. “Hysterical, really, but moving on. Now I don’t know who the genius was that decided this was a ‘good casting call’ but he or she had to be the biggest idiot on earth,” she paused, considering what she was saying. “Strike that, second biggest. After all, look at the writing,” she tossed the script into the fireplace. “Ok, now you are fired,” she shoved NuHank out the door. “We’ll call you if we need a tree,” she turned to the old Hank. “You’re back, here’s your script.”

“Good deal,” he plopped into a seat at the table and put his feet up.

“And sometimes you have to compromise class for talent,” she went to the door. “Yo, tomboy,” she crooked her finger at Beth. “Follow me, you have a new role as un-obsessed.”

“I was never obsessed. Just because I never let go of Luis and named my dead goldfish and fat old cat after him, keeping all the mementos of our time together does not mean…”

“What? That you’re bordering psychotic?” Janine glared at Beth. “Just go over there and read these lines.”

“Fine,” she huffed, taking the script and going over to Hank’s table. Janine watched from the window as little Hanky Bennett pulled her into his lap.

She smiled. “Come on, Antonio…”

“Brian…”

“Like I said, Antonio, we aren’t done.”

Harmony, Hospital…

Theresa looked at the monitor screen; terror clearly sprawled across her face. Her baby had a tail! A TAIL! Babies didn’t have tails! Whitney may have left but she was still in shock. Not to mention how she had grown! Three hours ago she remembered what her feet looked like!

Getting up slowly, she walked out into the hall and found Ethan and Gwen talking to each other. Ethan smiled slightly as she left the room. “How are you feeling?”

“Fine,” Theresa replied indifferently. “Well I suppose I’ll see you at the hearing tomorrow for the whole Mrs. Crane affair.”

“Theresa, why put yourself through unwanted pain and suffering?” Gwen asked. “You’re not going to win. Gold-diggers never do.”

“Gwen,” Ethan gave her a gentle look. “Theresa isn’t a gold-digger, she’s sweet…kind, loving…”

“Gag me,” Janine entered, Antonio trotting behind. “New scripts for all of you,” she passed out four booklets. “Now I’m getting dreadfully bored so let’s just get this started, shall we? Go…”

Theresa whined, clutching her stomach. “Oh God! I think I’m in labor!” she cried.

Ethan looked terrified, his eyes widening in the infamous ‘deer in the headlights’ look.

Gwen just laughed tossing her script to the floor and totally neglecting her lines. “I don’t need a script to know how pathetic he looks,” she slithered up to Antonio. “God, my talent is so wasted here, care to show a girl a good time, hot stuff?”

“Sure,” he took her arm, tossing his script too. “You’re not an amnesiac, are you?”

“Nope,” she promised as they left.

Theresa, who was not happy being over looked, continued to kick and scream as some doctors led her to a delivery room. “Ethan!!!!!” she squealed, mascara running down her cheeks as she cried.

Ethan just followed along, totally clueless as to his future fate. Too bad Ivy and Julian hadn’t bought him a brain to go along with that law degree. Such a waste of perfectly good sperm.

Janine laughed as she thought about what was going on in there, Ethan now at her side being clung to like a rag doll. “I always said kids preferred puppies instead of siblings,” she peeked into the delivery room where Theresa’s “baby” lay. The furry little squirming animal started barking and licking her mother. “She really did have a bitch…”

Ethan reached over and pet the furry little creature. “I think we should call her George…and pet her and love her and squeeze her and care for her,” stealing a classic Warner Brother’s line that had never sounded funnier as Theresa agreed that George was perfect.

Janine laughed hysterically as she left the hospital.

Harmony, Crane Mansion, Living Room…

“That conniving little slut!” Ivy cried, steering her wheelchair into the center of the living room and rolling her eyes dramatically. “I can’t believe she won Ethan back and had the nerve to kick me out of my own house!”

“Your house? *I* am Mrs. Crane!” Rebecca crossed her arms over her chest, which was basically falling out of the top of her dress. “And this isn’t just about your Edumb this is about my Gwennie too.”

“Edumb?” Ivy huffed.

“Come on, Ivy, admit it. He isn’t the brightest color in the box of Crayola and you know it.”

Ivy sighed; she had a point there. “Yes, well, at least I still have the Crane fortune to keep me well endowed,” she looked Rebecca over. “I see Kmart has been having a special.”

“Why I never!” Rebecca flailed her arms.

“Sure you have, Becs, repeatedly,” Julian’s voice filled the air as he and Janine entered the lighted living room from the shadows.

“You know, I have to admit I only had to make some minor changes to these scripts, well besides the obvious,” Janine motioned to Julian.

“But he’s dead!” Ivy whined, sinking back in her wheel chair. “Just when I stood a chance…”

“Oh and I missed you too my pet,” Julian walked over to the brandy and drank straight from the bottle. “Can you believe I’ve been sober for the last several months without you? Well, so much for staying on the wagon.”

“Wait, what other changes has she made, pookie?” Rebecca pouted her overdone red lips.

“Read for yourself,” Janine handed her a script. “That is if you can read.”

“I can read,” she focused hard on the white pages. “Ivy, what does this say?”

Ivy laughed. “I get to chase Julian,” she grinned evilly. “With this,” she produced a baseball bat.

“Oh hell no, this wasn’t in my contract!” Julian started running for his life, Ivy hot on his tail, totally burning rubber as they went in circles around the furniture.

“Oh well,” Janine shrugged, grabbing Boob-becca’s necklace and dragging her away from the duo. The two continued a game of cat and mouse, though it was hardly going to end without its bruises.

Harmony, Bennett House, Kitchen…

“I can’t believe that I have another son,” Grace sighed contently, mixing together the contents of her world famous Tomato Soup Cake. “He’s going to love it here, David! I promise.” David watched her pour something into the cake and had to refrain from gagging. That stuff looked explosive, but not edible. “I’m sure he will,” he tried to control his stomach.

Sam looked on stupidly, watching the duo as he sipped his overly strong black coffee. “I don’t trust that man,” he muttered, only steps away from David but fully believing the other man couldn’t hear him. “Something’s rotten.”

“Could be the eggs she put into the Tomato Soup Cake,” Janine grumbled, walking into the kitchen and holding her nose against the atrocious smell. “How do you people stand it?”

“Stand what?” they all asked.

“Oy, forget it,” Janine shook her head. “Everyone, stop whatever you are doing and pay attention. We have a bit of a rewrite. The role of David’s lover will not be played by Rebecca and well, Grace, you just go on baking, ok?”

“Ok,” she giggled, continuing to mix her cake.

“Might I recommend the rest of us step outside? I think my IQ dropped ten points just from the smell in here,” Janine led the trio out into the back yard. “Ok, I’d pass out scripts but I just learned we have some illiterate cast mates,” she sighed. “So Becks, just do what you do best with David and Sam, just try not to look so clueless.”

“Hey, I’m the chief of police. I’m perfectly smart…”

Janine just looked at him. Was he serious?

“Ok, you try being married to Grace for twenty-one years and not become a complete mindless nitwit! I should have joined the Army.”

Janine laughed. Great! The characters were turning on each other! Looking over at Rebecca and David, who were already locking lips, Janine sighed. “Where is that priest? We have another scene to do…” she checked her watch. “Five…four…three…two…”

The house exploded, tomato soup cake splattering over the yard. Grace didn’t stand a chance of surviving that, not even with her angel pals on her side.

“One,” Janine smirked. “Happy New Year,” she walked a few steps away with David and Rebecca, watching as Sam did the Irish jig in the yard yelling, “Free at last! Free at last! Great God Almighty I’m free at last!”

Just then Father Lonigan walked up, his cane getting stuck in some red goo. “What happened here?” he asked.

“Minor accident,” David covered. “Father, how soon can two people be married?”

“How much of a donation will you make to the church?” he smirked. Just like a priest, always looking for the handouts.

Becky shrugged. “Consider this a down payment,” she leaned in, kissing him hard. They kiss for a few moments, Janine and David timing it on their watches. When she finally pulled away she smirked. “Not bad, Padre.”

The good Father opened his eyes, blinking against the bright evening lights in Harmony. He looked right at Rebecca, his blindness cured by her kiss. Of course, the second he was what he kissed, he started crying and hitting himself over the head with his stick, muttering, “Make me blind, dearest Lord, make me blind.”

Janine laughed. Comedy like this just couldn’t be written in the heads of anyone.

Harmony, Inside Charity’s Cave…

Zombie Charity continued to sit and stare at the human Popsicle formerly known as Charity as she sipped on a steaming cup of hot chocolate. “What are you looking at?” she asked the block of ice.

“Not much,” Timmy mumbled in reply, crossing his leather clad arms. So much for him and Toto making it on their own. Charity got a hold of them and now they were locked in this damn cave for good.

“What did you say?” she asked him, standing and walking around like she owned the joint.

“He didn’t say anything,” Tabby covered, getting in between the two. “So what is your plan this time, o great one?”

Zombie Charity laughed. “I thought so, too chicken to stand up for yourself now that you’ve seen what I can do to your little dog,” she motioned to the roasted entrée on the nearby platter.

Janine peeked in. “I hate to interrupt this party, but I need to make another plot change. As much as I love watching you kick Tabby’s butt into shape here, ZC, I really need pathetic, airheaded Charity back. I mean we don’t have to defrost her,” she motioned to the ice cube, “but if you could temporarily pretend to be her…”

“No way,” she positioned her fingers to shoot flames. “NO ONE can make me go back to being that goodie two shoes!” she huffed, trying to shoot.

“Now see, those don’t work without the special effects guy, Frank, and he’s getting lunch. So, like I said, if you could pretend to be her I’d let you do as you please with Miguel.”

“And what about us?” Timmy asked. “She ate my dog.”

“Well see, we’re just keeping you around as plucky comic relief,” Janine shrugged. “It’s in my contract.”

“Whatever,” they left the cave in anger.

“Hmmm, all right, tell me what I have to do with Miguel,” Charity sighed, grabbing the new script.

“I knew you’d see things my way, be on your mark in five and he’ll be there,” Janine grinned, ducking out of the cave as Zombie Charity rehearsed her lines with the ice cube girl. “We really need to get her some friends.”

Harmony, The Park…

Simone and John trailed behind Kay, who was too busy watching Miguel to realize anyone else was around. Miguel groaned, punching a nearby cardboard tree and watching it fall over. Kay sighed.

“He’s so strong,” she said dreamily.

“Yea, strong,” Simone stumbled over her bright pink shoes, falling right into John’s open arms. He just started at her stupidly.

“Would you three be quiet, how am I supposed to find Charity with all your talking?” Miguel asked, straightening the cardboard tree back up.

“Well, the plausibility of finding Charity at all since we don’t have any idea she actually came this way, plus the lack of moonlight since we don’t really know what time it is or how long we’ve been out here,” Reese appeared, pushing buttons on his calculator, “It’s slim.”

“Where did he come from?” John asked, motioning to the geek-ernator.

“Another planet,” Simon straightened up, nearly blinding John when her jacket opened revealing a bright orange t-shirt.

Janine rolled her eyes and came out from her hiding spot. Reese noticed her first and pushed his glasses up the bridge of his nose. “Look, my pet,” he slid a protective arm around Kay, nearly knocking her to the ground. “We have company.”

“Don’t ask who I am, I’m getting tired of answering,” Janine yawned. “Days around here just seem to go on forever.” She handed them out scripts. “We’re having a bit of a change,” she stood on a nearby bench to reach Reese’s head. Ripping off his glasses and messing up his hair, she smiled. “Better,” she ripped off his suspenders and rolled up his sleeves. “Much better.”

He blushed, especially when Kay looked at him and started drooling.

“This, my dear, is why you’ll be leaving Miguel,” Janine told Kay, watching as the man she just spoke about fell over a Styrofoam rock and knocked over half the set. “Well one of the reasons.”

“Who knew Reese looked like that?” Simone asked, again falling over her shoes.

“Ok, see the bright colors are doing you no good. John, your first line please.”

He flipped open his script. “Hey, Simone, what do you say we go get you some new clothing? I hear The Gap is having a sale.”

“Good deal,” Simone followed the hot Gap guy off the sound stage.

“Where is Miguel going?” Reese asked, running his fingers through his new hair and pulling his girl close.

“To hell if he doesn’t change his ways,” Janine watched him stumble again, but this time over the ice block that was once his girlfriend and right into Zombie Charity’s arms. “Poor kid, dumb as a rock.”

“Yea, tell me about it,” Kay sighed, snuggling closer to Reese. “Well, I kinda want to explore page one twenty with Reese, so if you excuse us,” she dragged him to the B&B.

Janine smirked. Kay was one smart cookie when she wasn’t busy being a lost puppy. Off to make Harmony more harmonious.

Harmony, Russell House, Backyard…

TC and Eve stood in the back yard, or what would be there backyard had they ever seen it before, just looking at the sunny star filled sky.

“This has to be the oddest thing I’ve seen since Theresa gave birth to that puppy,” Eve blinked, trying to figure out what was going on.

“Puppy?” T.C. asked, looking at his wife like she was insane. “Why doesn’t it surprise me that Julian’s child is a dog?”

Eve shrugged, looking over at the shed. “We really have to clean that thing out. I think I heard rats in there the other night. Something was scratching around.”

“Umm, yea, rats,” T.C. cleared his throat.

Whitney and Chad entered the yard, trying to sneak past her parents as if they couldn’t see them walking in through the fence. Both stopped dead in their tracks when T.C. started off after Chad, even hoping the banister instead of taking the steps.

“Daddy!” Whitney cried as her father started to pummel her boyfriend slash just friend. “You’re hurting him!”

“What did I tell you about being near my daughter, you bastard?” T.C.’s fists swung wildly, totally missing Chad’s entire body.

Janine blew a whistle. “That’s the ball game,” she pulled T.C. off of the younger man. “Let’s play another game, shall we. How about ‘What’s My Secret?’” She knew what they were going to ask and didn’t give them time. “Shall we start with Whit and Chad? These two have one big secret tearing them apart, well maybe two. The first is definitely bad though.”

“Nothing besides her stupidity is keeping us apart,” Chad crossed his arms, glaring at Whit.

“You’d be surprised. Whit, tell him why you hate music so much,” Janine told her, not even needing the script for this one.

“I…I don’t hate music, I just don’t want to be a singer. Tennis is my life,” she covered.

“Whitney,” she gave her a pointed look.

“All right, fine, it’s because I lip sink worse than Brittany Spears in concert!” she groaned. “I can’t sing a note. I have about as much singing talent as my mother does.”

“Hey, I can sing,” Eve defended. “In fact, I was singing when I met Julian Crane in some seedy club where he impregnated me with Chad.”

“That would be secret two,” Janine whispered to Chad.

“You’re not Chad’s mother,” Liz and Doc appeared out of nowhere, now that St. Lisa’s had been turning into the Bermuda hotel. “I am.”

“Hm, now I didn’t see that coming,” Janine laughed, watching as T.C. paced like a caged lion, his mind trying to catch up.

“Wait, did you say Julian CRANE? You had an affair with Julian?” he blasted Eve.

“Woah, talking about a page behind,” Janine shook her head. “Before anyone does anything drastic, I have one last thing to reveal,” she opened T.C.’s shed, revealing Martin Fitzgerald with a ball gag in his mouth.

Everyone gasped. Janine smirked.

Doc moved closer to T.C. “I have one of those at home I just love using.”

“Really?” T.C. asked.

“Do you believe in Aliens and anal probes?” Doc asked as the two ran off, holding hands.

“Eww,” Janine made gagging noises.

Eve looked at Chad. “What do you say about recording that CD with me?”

“Can you sing?”

“Jazz is my life,” they walked away, making a contracting deal.

Whit started sobbing and Liz held her close, both bonding over losing Chad. They went inside to give each other facials and pedicures to get over their loss. Janine walked away after untying Martin, leading him back to his home. Julian was right; you needed to be drunk to live in Harmony.

When they got to the Lopez-Fitzgerald home, Janine left Martin on the steps with a big red bow wrapped around him. She didn’t want to stay around anymore. This place was weird.

Somewhere else, Alistair’s Office, days later…

If the unbelievable was possible, it had happened. Three days later the plots were still the same in town. Sheridan and Luis were still making out on the floor of the Bermuda hotel and you don’t even want to know what Doc and T.C. were doing. Eww, that stuff should NOT be on daytime TV.

With a heavy sigh, Janine put her feet up on Alistair’s desk, playing with one of his cigars. This man had a twenty-four hour a day TV station going on across a wall of TVs and it was all comedy all the time. It was great. This gang had to be the stupidest bunch of people on God’s green earth!

Looking from screen to screen, Janine slapped her forehead. She had pulled a JER and left out poor Jessica again. O well, not that there was any material to give her anyway. Janine applauded herself on a job well done, trying to remember one thing…

Just where had she left JER and Lisa Hesser….

Harmony, Charity’s Closet, Hell Scenes

The giant penis looking demon held JER in one hand and Lisa in the other, both screaming for their lives as his tail salted both of them before shoving them into his mouth. Moments later he belched and then fell over, spasming before taking his last breath.

That’s what happened when you ate rotten food…