| Superman |
| Home
=================
*Superman*
|
[Author Note: Song By Fighting for Five.] I'm not that naive They all depend on me. All of them, every single person I know depends on me for something. Mama needs my paycheck to make ends meet. Theresa and Miguel need me as a positive role model in their lives. Hank needs a best friend that he can depend on and Sam wants a detective that has control over his surroundings. Even Sheridan, the woman I love with all my heart and soul, needed something from me. She needed me to be strong and gentle. She needed me to be her hero. My entire life has been based on the fallacy that I was somehow important, somehow stronger than the rest. They never saw me weep, never saw me "lose control". I was always dependable old Luis. The man everyone turned to when they had a problem. Who was there for my problems? Who was there when I needed a shoulder to cry on? Who is the hero's hero?
The better part of me I guess it's my own fault. I chose this path long ago when my father disappeared. I decided that I wouldn't watch my mother suffer alone. After all, Antonio had left without a trace and Mama needed someone she could trust to run things at home. I was just the logical choice as the oldest remaining Lopez-Fitzgerald. So I took control. But I didn't do it to become the hero everyone sees me as. I did it to help because that's who I was. I became a cop to HELP because that's still who I am… Or is it? Am I still the predictable cop that fell in love with the rich deb? Sure, I guess in a way I am. Sheridan…Sheridan changed my life. She made me feel things that I had long ago suppressed. She made me discover parts to myself that I never dreamed existed. And now, as I stand here watching the planes leave, waiting for my own, I realize that I am leaving because I have to keep finding me. I have to stop being the super hero they dream and start being Luis. Sheridan's gone. Nothing is going to bring her back…
I'm more than a plane I'm more than some pretty face beside a train And it's not easy to be me And that frightens me terribly. Everyone wants me to move on, to forget that Sheridan Crane was ever part of my life. Like that's even remotely possible! She was my life; she was my heart and soul and without her around I feel like I'm drowning in sorrow. They expected "good old Luis" to just hide his emotions, so I did. They expected me to be their rock in this time of utter grief, so I was. They expected me to be the one to tell them life went on… But I didn't and couldn't even fathom how to lie so continuously to those I love… So I stopped. I'm not a rock…not a damn person that takes a beating and marches on… I hurt! I cry and damn it I'm angry! No one sees me for me! No one helps me through things and it's not easy. It has NEVER been easy. All the strain, all the anger…all that energy has been raging inside of me DYING for a chance to be released and damn it, I'm going to release it. Because for thirty years I've been me… And it hasn't been easy.
Fall upon my knees Find a way to lie 'Bout a home I'll never see Do you know how long it has been since I openly cried? How long it's been since I didn't hide my tears from the people I love and treasured more than anything in my life? Years. Sheridan was the first person to see my cry in a long time. That night she found me at the Youth Center crying over my "father's" death was the first tears I had shed in public since childhood. And right now I wish I could cry. I wish I could fall down on my knees and just scream so loud that they could hear me clear down to New York City! I want to let the Lord know that he ruined my life by taking away my Sheridan. I want to let all the grief come out in one long wail so that everyone knows I've found my kryptonite. I want them to know that I feel things and right now I'm feeling the pricks of thousands of tiny knives as they slash my heart to shreds…
But don't be naive Even heroes have the right to bleed Don't laugh. It really isn't as funny as it sounds. People seriously expect me to be the stoic one and assume I have two emotions. Pleasant and angry. They seem to think that when I am injured that I don't bleed or feel pain… Guess what… I do! It is my right to feel that way and it is within my nature to be this way and damn it I am this way! God! This is so damn frustrating! Why do they all think I'm so special? Why do they all think that I am just on this one track and nothing will ever cause me to stray? Why don't one of them ask JUST ONCE how I'm doing without her in my life and stop telling me to just keep going?!?!
But won't you concede Even heroes have the right to dream And it's not easy to be me I see Sheridan in my dreams… I see the future we were supposed to have. The daughters that look like their mothers, long flowing blond locks braided into pig tails as they run from their darker haired brothers. The ones that carry the water guns and won't let them play in the fort. Our house is covered in junk, from our fourteen-year-old son's clothing to our three-year-old daughter's favorite toys. The kitchen is always a mess and we seem to stock it eighteen times a day. Sheridan cleans up after the pain in the ass cat that we have while Christian, our middle boy, walks our golden retriever before releasing him to the back yard. We all watch movies together at night before tucking the children into bed. Sheridan and I snuggle in each other's arms, reveling in all the love the house holds… And when we can't go out for dinner, we have pizza in the candle light and beer in wine glasses. We hold hands when we walk and everyone knows that the Lopez-Fitzgerald house is the happiest on the street… And all of this happens because Sheridan returns to me. She wasn't really dead; never has been cremated. She's alive and well and in my arms… But only in my dreams…
Away from me Well it's all right You can all sleep sound tonight I'm not crazy or anything Aboard the airliner as it begins to take flight, I watch the town grow smaller and smaller, my dreams disappearing in the whirl of the engines. Sheridan's gone. While Harmony sleeps, while Bermuda dreams, I'll be awake. I'll watch as the moonlight glitters on the Atlantic and know that those same waters are the eternal resting place of my Sheridan. The last place her beauty and magnificence was seen. But everything will be all right because I'm the hero… The one that makes tragedy better… The one that says there is always tomorrow… And for her, there will be thousands of tomorrows while for me… For me there hasn't be a tomorrow since I lost her… I'm always living in yesterday…
I'm not that naive Men weren't meant to ride With clouds between their knees "Goodbye," I whisper, watching as we soar along the clouds. Harmony is no more than an ant now and I still feel like I'm there. Like the chains are binding me. I'll never be able to break the ties I have there. I'll never truly be gone. I'm always there, just like Sheridan is always here. Superman will live on in Harmony… Maybe I'll go back one day and be able to walk the streets without seeing her, smelling her, feeling her… Tasting her! She's everything in that town. From the children playing in the park… To the little cottage on Raven Hill… Sheridan Crane is a superman on her own… And yet she was my kryptonite… I wasn't meant to be superman. I was meant to be Luis… And from now on that's who I'll be…
Digging for kryptonite on this one way street I'm only a man in a phony red sheet Looking for special things inside of me Mama gave me a picture before I left. Ironically it's of me and Sheridan the year we went trick or treating together. Katherine insisted my mother take her daughter as well. Sheridan was Wonder Woman and I… I was none other than Superman… Mama made the costume. It was a red sheet from my bed, trimmed to fit my height and tied around my shoulders. But I was still Superman. Back then I really believed I was a hero and I remember, on more than one occasion, slipping back into that costume and being the hero I thought I was. After all, a child is constantly straining to find who they really are and I knew that everyone loved Superman… So I wanted to be just like him… Red sheet… Black boots… Fake identity…
I'm only a man looking for a dream I'm only a man in a phony red sheet And it's not easy to be me Now I would give anything in the world to be someone else. I would pay every cent I have to be just plain old Luis. The man no one knows… No one expects anything from. So that's my plan. I'm going to take this plane to Florida and be just that. The new man that no one knows who is looking for a dream. The red sheet is long since packed away and now… Now I only have to live with my past. The past that no one will ever know about… The one that reminds me it isn't easy to be me. It isn't easy to be Luis the officer that jumps from helicopters and climbs on ledges of buildings… The man who lost the love of his life when their boat exploded in paradise. Closing the shade on the window, I stop looking for the answers out there. There just aren't any and I won't need them where I'm going. I just need to know two things… I'm not really a super man… And it's not easy to be me
|