| Where I Belong |
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*Where I Belong*
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The boat rocks gently on the waves, the cool air leaking in through the open window. I can see the stars, bright white specks shinning against the black velvet of night. The ocean is so peaceful, so calming, and yet I am so unsettled tonight that I’m not sure I’ll ever sleep. Brian’s and I are almost home…ok, not really home, but to Harmony. I guess that’s more his home, since I have this feeling inside that he really is from that town. Call it woman’s intuition, but his reaction to the name leads me to believe that he is hiding something from me. And yet it seems so odd since I swear I should know what it is. Still, It seems almost unfair that he is able to return to his family and yet I cannot remember what my real name is. Sitting on the bed in the only bedroom on board, I look around unsurely. I have memories of the man I love, most of them brief and sporadic. Very few of them actually allow me to hear this warm, welcoming voice and I’m almost glad I can’t. I miss him and I hardly remember who he is. Oddly enough, even with the holes in my memory I know he was the man that stood by me in the hardest of times, that showed me what it was like to be loved… And part of me hates him for leaving me alone, especially now that I’m with Brian. He makes me feel so uncomfortable, so helpless and I know that someone else made me feel that way years ago. Yet when I close my eyes I can see him, the man without a name and the closer we get to this Harmony, the more detailed the image becomes. The most haunting aspects are his eyes. They are dulled by pain and empty, so bitterly empty that it breaks my heart. The brown orbs stare back at me, almost begging me to hurry before he fades away. They are unnerving and I wish that he would just look away for a moment. It frightens me to think that I put that pain in his eyes and yet I don’t know why. How can I hurt him? Did I hurt him because I forgot him? Because he’s nothing more than a nameless memory? I don’t know, but I want to make his ghost disappear. I need him too. “Diana?” Brian’s head peeks into the room without even a knock. I offer a weak smile. “Yes?” I ask, getting up and walking to the window, again focusing on the little white diamonds above. We missed Christmas aboard this ship and I know that we’ll just barely make it to Harmony in time for New Years. After all, it is New Years Eve and the time in Maine is nearly ten. I’m not sure we’ll make it tonight. “I just thought I’d let you know that we’ll be in Harmony in a few hours. I just got off the phone with Liz, she called the man we’re supposed to meet. He’ll be at the dock waiting.” “Number nine?” I whisper, the name rolling off my tongue. “What was his real name?” Brian hesitates and I can tell that he doesn’t want me to make any connections, to get my hopes up further than they already are. “Brian, tell me what his name is,” I insist. He sighs. “Luis,” he goes to the closet, a large photo album sits on the top shelf and he steals it away quickly. “His name is Luis.” “Luis,” I repeat. The name seems familiar, almost as if I have said it all my life. “Luis Lopez-Fitzgerald,” I add, without even knowing it. Brian drops the tome and stares at me. “How did you?” “I don’t know,” I shrug, looking back out at the stars. “He has a mother…Pilar…right?” “I wouldn’t know,” he quickly picks up the pictures that flew across the floor and yet I can tell by his tone he’s lying. Another lie to add to all the others. “You remind me of Jean Luc,” I mumble, unsure just who Jean Luc is. All I do know is that I hate him and the mere thought of him angers me! “Who?” “No one,” I shake my head. “Is that Harmony?” Brian joins me at the window, his free arm encircling my waist. I roll my eyes. He’s so clueless sometimes. “Yup. That’s Harmony. I better get upstairs,” he starts to leave with the album. “Don’t you think you should leave that down here?” I ask. He looks at the book and sighs, placing it on the desk. “Sure. I’m going to go dock. Come upstairs when you’re ready.” I nod and watch him go, but curiosity pulls me towards those pictures. The oversize gray binder is padded with golden trim and my instincts tell me it is important to me. I don’t know why. I didn’t have any photos when Brian found me, but these seem to be calling my name. I flip open the cover and am met with the most beautiful sight. “Isn’t he adorable,” I pull the picture out from behind the pristine plastic. I flip the photo over. On the smooth white backing is the delicate script that can only belong to a mother. “Luis and Beth, age five. Luis, huh. Seems he’s quite a popular little man,” I laugh, flipping the photo back over and gazing at the pair. It’s a black and white picture, obviously taken on Halloween, but it is simply too precious. “A super cop,” I chuckle, looking at the cop costume with the superman cape. Super cop… My eyes widen and I feel like the air was sucked from my lungs. “You really think you’re better than everyone,” I whisper, looking at little Luis. “Where did that come from?” I return the photo to its home and turn the page. This woman is simply obsessed with Luis. There are pictures of them all through the years… But it isn’t the pictures of the two children that bother me. In fact, I enjoy seeing their sweet smiles. It’s the picture of them years later that shakes me to my core. I drop the book back on the desk and step away, shaking. “No, no it can’t be.” But there it is, a picture of the man I love in the arms of her and yet I feel as if this was before we ever met. “Luis and Beth?” “They dated in high school,” his voice comes from the door. “Everyone thought they would get married. He put her off when his little brother and sister needed him more. Became a cop…” “Gave away scholarships,” I finish. “Gave away the life he dreamed of…” “You know him them,” Brian motions to the book. “You know my little brother.” I gaze at him, confused. “An…Antonio?” Brian…Antonio rather, nodded. “You know who he left Beth for?” I shake my head, still not believing that this man could possibly be Luis’ brother. I don’t understand why he didn’t tell me, why he has been lying to me. “Sheridan Crane…” Because my last name is Crane… “Say the name again,” I demand. “Crane?” “No no, the first name!” “Sheridan. Diana, we’ve talked about her before. Remember, she’s the heiress that died at sea…” “No…Sheridan Crane. Damn it, my head hurts,” I retreat to the bed and shut my eyes tight. “Diana,” he rushes to my side. “Get away. You’ve been lying to me from the start! Antonio! Your name is Antonio! It’s never been Brian!” He looks wounded and gets up, backing away. “I did it to protect them.” “GO!” I scream and he leaves quickly, not even looking back. I fall back onto the bed it tears. “Why? Why doesn’t this make sense to me?” The throbbing in my head worsens and I feel myself slipping. My grip on reality fades until I black out… I wake up later and know we’ve docked. I can hear the people milling about on the pier and unsteadily sit up. I want to get off this blasted boat and find the man from that picture. And then I remember that man is the same man I loved. “So he’s gone,” I whisper sadly. My quickened pace slows and I grab the one little bag I took with me from the island. “Wonderful, just wonderful. Now what do I have to look forward too?” I ask, walking up the stairs and outside into the cold air. I hear a bell in the distance chime the time. “Midnight!” I hear a voice exclaim. “Happy New Year Miss!” the man walks by. I smile slightly. “Same to you,” I call. Too late, he’s gone. I step off the boat and look around. Antonio is nowhere to be seen and I’m alone. “Just like a man. You can never trust them,” I shake my head and cross to one of the nearby benches. “Now what will I do,” I look to the heavens. “How can I find out where I belong?” A cold crystal tear makes its way down my cheek and I brush it away. The starlight reflects in the water and feel almost drawn to the waves. Almost as if it would complete me to end my life in the waves here. As if I would be ending this unbearable emptiness inside me by taking my life in this town. This town with the name that means peace… I step closer to the water. Just a little more… “No!” I feel a hand grab my arm. His strength pulls me closer. “Don’t.” “Let me go, Antonio!” I cry. “No! No Luis wants to meet you…” And then all the pieces fit together. Number Nine…Luis Lopez-Fitzgerald…the Luis Beth and I shared…They are all the same man. “Luis!” I spin and see him in the distance. “LUIS!” I drop the bag in my arms, the clinking of shoes falling to the wooden wharf fading behind me as I take off for him. “LUIS!” He turns, brown eyes looking away from the stars and towards me. He smiles. It’s the most breathtaking sight I have ever seen and in a blur of color and light I remember it all. Every kiss… Every touch… Every smile… I love you… Say it again; please say it again… I love you… I launch myself into his arms, feeling the warmth he provides. The scent of his cologne makes my mind reel from all the memories and I begin to sob. I cry. I don’t know if it is happy or sad, but I know that I am complete again. I’m totally and completely in love with the man that squeezes me against his rock hard body. “Sheridan,” he whispers breathlessly. “Oh God, Sheridan. You came back.” “I came back,” I reply. “I’m home.” “Yes you are,” he kisses me, warm lips caressing mine. “You’re home.” “Where I belong…” “Right where you belong.” We kiss again, forgetting Antonio and the time apart. All I know is that I’m in the arms of the man I thought I lost, the man that thought he lost me and I feel safe, cherished… Love… At home… I am right where I belong and I never plan to leave again.
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