-Earlier today-
Lars is in the kitchen making the famous RVD brownies, he adds RVD’s special ingredient which we shall call chemical X because the powerpuff girls rule and all of you suck if you think otherwise, he throws it in the oven, it should be done by the time that the show begins obviously.
We go live as Lars exits the kitchen with a huge basket of brownies, I have never seen such a bug basket, he runs into his office and sits in his couch, he turns the TV on to check out tonight’s show when York enters the office and sees Lars eating.
Lars: Damn it, I am busy York!
York: What is it with you and those damn brownies?
Lars: Um… no comment.
York grabs one of the brownies and eats it.
Lars: Hey!
York: Man, this brownies taste funny…
Lars: They sure do.
Lars eats a brownie, York and Lars look at each other and fight with one hand and eat the brownies with the others, oh if Ary wasn’t in jail what would he think about this guys.
The fireworks go off as this brand new out of the pack freshly squeezed edition of Monday Night Massacre hits your TV sits the same way that Jake The Snake used to hit his bong, we are live from an unknown jam packed arena due to we keep our locations secret because we are too lazy to come up with some.
LAD’s theme hits the speakers as Lawless and Lightning come out to a somewhat mixed reaction from the crowd, they are good but not as great as they once were.
Meanwhile we go back with Regal and Tajiri.
Bob Levy: Mr. Regal, do you think you and Tajiri are ready to face LAD?
Regal: What kind of bloody question is that, of course we are ready you dumb bloke.
Tajiri speaks Japanese.
Regal: Yes Tajiri, tonight we will blow LAD away.
Tajiri: Wa wil blow LAD!
Regal: Away! He meant we will blow LAD away, we really need to work on your English mate.
Regal and Tajiri walk behind the curtain, Tajiri’s theme hits and both men make their way out to an unusual big pop from the crowd, they step into the ring, the bell rings and the match gets underway.
Regal and Lightning start it off with a lock up followed by a headlock, whip to the rops by Regal followed by an elbow to the face, Regal quickly applies one of those weird ass submission moves which I will refrain from calling because I am too lazy, Lightning is in pain as Lawless makes the save, Tajiri enters the ring to confront Lawless but the ref pushes him back, LAD double teams Regal on their corner, the ref turns around, Lightning with a tag, Lawless goes for a chin buster but Regal brakes away and follows with a huge clothesline. Both men are down, Lawless crawls to his corner, so does Regal, both men get the tags at about the same time, Tajiri comes in, super kick that sends Lightning down, body slam on Lawless, Lightning gets up and is taken down again by another bodyslam, from behind Lawless catches him with a crossface chickenwing, the ref has lost control on who is legal and who isn’t, Regal makes the save by breaking the move, Lawless goes for the lawbreaker but Tajiri hits the mist! Lawless goes to his knees and a super stiff kick knocks him down, Lightning goes for the save but Regal clotheslines him out of the ring, the ref pins, 1,2,3.
Winners: Regal and Tajiri.
Meanwhile backstage both Lars and York are unusually peaceful sitting on Lars’s couch.
Lars: Dude, wasn’t the mist illegal or something?
York: Um, only in three states or something.
Lars: Oh yeah, we are so smart.
York: We sure are, hey man look over there, it’s a hooker!
Lars turns around looking for the hooker, York quickly grabs a brownie and eats it.
Lars: There was no hooker man!
York: (chewing) My mistake.
Lars: Oh I see, look over there, it’s a homo!
York: Huh?
York turns around and on the TV its playing those CALL ATT commercials with Carrot Top on it, Lars and York stare at it blankly for a couple of seconds before someone breaks the silence..
York: Man Lars, I forgot what we were doing man!
Lars: Me too. Um, you want to hear a funny word?
York: Sure.
Lars: Masenko, HAHAHAHA.
York looks at Lars weirdly, both of them break in laughter as the scene cuts to a commercial.
-Commercial Break-
We go back to Lars’s office with Lars and York, they are watching TV when they see themselves on TV.
Lars: Hey man, that dude looks just like you!
York: Yeah man! And that other dude next to him looks like you!
Lars: Man, maybe we should sue this bastards, what’s the name of the show?
York: Mon-Day Knight Mascara.
Lars: Those bastards! I’ll call my lawyers later, is that a brownie I see, why yes it is!
Lars and York fight over the brownie as we go to the ring.
The Hell’s Henchmen make their way out, this team has come a long way specially their leader (crippler) who has improved a hell of a lot, the Henchmen who are formed by Terra Ryzing and um, Snanakstar or some real odd name like that step into the ring, tonight I will call them Terra and Star just to make it easier, ok?
The Bossman’s theme hits, Bossman, HBK alongside Quentiin and Bull make their way out to a mixed reaction, they step into the ring as the bell rings and the match gets underway..
Bossman and Terra start it off, Bossman with some hard punches to the face, he whips Terra against the turnbuckle followed by a big splash, Bossman goes for another one but Terra counters with a huge clothesline, Terra tags in star, Star goes to work on Bossman with a bunch of kicks and fists, Bossman rolls to his corner and tags in the show stopper, HBK, he quickly hits a couple of punches on star, he sends him against the ropes and as he bounces off he is met with some sweet chin music, Terra goes for the save but Bull and Quentin hold him off, HBK pins, 1,2,3.
Winners: Bossman and HBK.
We get a shot backstage where RVD is nowhere in sight, where is he, wasn’t he supposed to be here?
Lars: Man, I’m hungry.
York: Yeah, me too, I wonder why, we did eat the whole brownies basket.
Lars: Not all of it…
Lars pulls out a brownie from out of nowhere, York’s eyes light up, both men start to brawl around the room trying to get the brownie when an executive enters the room.
Executive: I am looking for a Mr. Douglas and a Mr. York.
Lars: Oh shit dude, its that censor guy, um, come up with something, quick.
York: Um, I heard they are on vacation, like if you want to talk with a member of the staff you need to look for, um, help me out dude.
Lars: Um, Ary, yeah that’s it, he in jail, so like go talk to the Bossman or something and tell him to give you the number.
Executive: Listen up you little turds, I know you are Douglas and you are York, we at the network are very pissed at you guys and if changes aren’t made we will cancel your sex-filled, drug using violent show, got it?
Lars: Um, yeah, here, have this brownie as a token of our appreciation.
The Executive eats the brownie as we cut to a commercial.
-Commercial Break-
Executive: Man, this couch if fuckin comfortable! I cant feel my body at all!
Lars: Yeah dude, so like how’s the network doing?
Executive: Fuck the network, we will never cancel you guys, you pull in the highest ratings man! They hire people like me to scare you.
York: Yeah, so like I heard there are some potato chips and stuff on the lobby man…
All three men get up and start running towards the lobby towards the food table, all of them proceed to munch down every piece of food available.
Lars: Hey York, wasn’t RVD supposed to be around here?
York: Yeah, he was, I guess he no-showed.
Lars: Well he is hereby fined to an extra big basket of brownies!
York: Yeah man, more like 2 extra big baskets of brownies!
Lars: Yeah!
While York and Lars talk crap we head over the ring…
Every men make their entrances yadda yadda, I’m tired so bear with me, note: the following match was written by President York, got to love him.
Enforcer and Shawn Michaels start off, as HBK plays the human bumping machine for Enforcer's punches. Enforcer works HBK in the corner. HBK escapes but gets clotheslined. Enforcer does a side suplex/ powerbomb variation for a 2 count. HBK gets back up, but gets knocked back down. HBK back up, same result. Enforcer goes for a blind charge and misses. Sweet Chin Music is blocked and Enforcer rips HBK's head off with a clothesline. Triple H gets tagged in as he works on his frie...er, HBK. Chestbuster followed by a kneelift for a 2 count. Triple H tags in Enforcer as the beating on HBK continues. Enforcer hits a double underhook backbreaker then works the headlock. HBK makes a comeback, only to get sidelined as Enforcer backdrops HBK about 10 feet in the air. Enforcer tags in Triple H. Triple H suplexes HBK for a 2 count. HBK counters a pedigree attempt with a slingshot into the ringpost. Triple H tags in Enforcer and Recoil gets the hot tag from HBK. Right hands for Enforcer followed by a jumping DDT. Triple H runs in, only to get tossed out of the ring by Recoil. Recoil legdrops Enforcer, which gets a 2 count. Recoil goes for a Point Blank, but it gets countered. Enforcer hits the New Breed Powerbomb. 2 count, as HBK breaks up the count with a top rope elbowdrop. Enforcer ducks a Sweet Chin Music, which drills the referee in the face knocking him out. Enforcer kicks HBK and goes for the New Breed, but Recoil gets up and hits the Point Blank. Triple H runs in but HBK cuts him off as the two of them brawl on the outside. Recoil pins Enforcer, when out of nowhere Rob Van Dam comes in from the crowd. RVD goes up top and breaks up the count with a 5 star frog splash. RVD rolls Enforcer on top of Recoil. The referee counts. 1, 2, 3. Enforcer and Triple H win with an assist from RVD. Enforcer gets back up and starts pounding on Recoil. The referee tries to break it up. The referee gets a powerbomb in return. RVD tells Enforcer to hold up Recoil as he grabs a chair. RVD tosses the chair, but Recoil ducks. Enforcer catches the chair as Enforcer eats a Vandaminator. Recoil slides out of the ring as HBK was looking on. Recoil is pissed that HBK didn't assist and that he didn't stop the pin, so he starts kicking his ass. HBK tries to fight back, but it doesn't do anything. Recoil starts kicking HBK's ass all the way to the back. Triple H comes back into the ring, but RVD has already left while Enforcer slowly gets back to his feet.
Winners: Triple H and Enforcer
Meanwhile backstage Recoil keeps his assault on HBK, officials tries to break it up but he hits them all and pushes them back, the fans are confused and don’t know what to make of this.
Recoil: Get the fuck away, I hate you all, leave me the fuck alone!
Recoil wraps a piece of cable around HBK’s neck when suddenly the Bossman
and Bull come running down, Recoil hightails out of there as the scene
fades and this edition of Massacre is over.
