'Star Wars: Episode 1: The First One, No, Not The Old First One The New First One' is the story of a boy, a man, an older man, a girl, a robot, another robot, someone's mum, the evil emperor, a guy with horns, an annoying CGI alien and some sand.
The exciting story of fun begins on the planet Tatooine, where there is sand. Despite the fact that everyone reading this has seen the films anyway, I shall describe what happens as though breaking the news in a tabloid-type exclusive. Anyway, he grows up in sand, unaware that he has defied biology by having no father and an abnormally large head. That means all his DNA is his mum's. That means he is a girl. Despite his untapped femininity, Anakin grows up. He is the happiest person ever, even though he live in slavery. Oh yes, he builds things.
One day Natalie Portman and the man from Schindler's List turn up at the shop he is a slave at. They say "We need stuff. It is important to the plot." Anakin attempts to chat Natalie up. She is having none of it, because he is nine.
After some dull bits of stuff, Anakin gets to be in a race with big scary space things. Despite the expectations/hopes of the audience, he wins. Then he gets taken away from his mum and his home by some people he has only just met. He is fine with this, though.
It turns out Anakin has amazing fab Jedi skills. He is "down with the Force", as it were. But no, he is not to be a Jedi, because he is too old. At the age of nine. Even though Luke is OK at 20.
At this point the film slows down even more until the fight at the end. Basically, Liam Neeson dies, and Anakin gets to be trained as a Jedi by Obi-Wan, who is Ewan McGregor. The film ends with a bunch of people havin' a parade, and the promise of the next film, where Anakin and Natalie wed and Ee-wan teaches Ani the ways of the British film industry.
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