An Extra Scene for BITS.

(The scene is on Voyager. Just for my friend Sonia, let’s begin it with her favourite character in the world... none other than the newly appointed Second Captain... Chakotay! He’s in his quarters about to leave, in casual attire [24th century style of course!], but looking quite smart. He’s just reaching the door when a message on a nearby desktop monitor bleeps at him. Since he’s got a few seconds to kill he goes to read it and it says: “Change of plan. Meet me in the Mess Hall.”. Hey, it’s the 24th century equivalent of a text message! This evidently means something to him so he goes off, presumably to the Mess Hall.

Meanwhile, in Janeway’s quarters, she is preparing one of her infamous ‘platonic’ dinners. It’s the usual setting but obviously some extra effort has been put into it [I won’t delve too much on the details - just use your imagination!] She is also in casual dress, appropriate to the occasion. It is now evident that they have made some date or other and, as shall be shortly revealed, it does not go according to plan. Yup, the computer’s still playing up despite getting rid of its insubordinate tendencies. Now it plays tricks instead!

After putting the finishing touches to the table:)
JANEWAY: Computer, time please.
COMPUTER: The time is nineteen fifty-eight hours.
JANEWAY: Thank you. (It’s becoming second nature.) Two minutes! Perfect timing! (She goes to the replicator and retrieves the first course, then places it carefully in the centre of the table. Then she waits for him to arrive...)

(Chakotay is walking down a corridor towards the Mess Hall. He ends up getting completely detoured by spotting something apparently suspicious in a Jeffries’ Tube, but finding nothing. Several such incidents occur by which time he’s realised he’s rather late.)
CHAKOTAY: Computer, time. (Pause.) Please. (Not so second nature!)
COMPUTER: Twenty twelve hours.
CHAKOTAY: I’m twelve minutes late? How did I manage that? (To prove that he is late, a rather peeved Janeway comm.s him.)
JANEWAY: Where are you?
CHAKOTAY: The corridor outside Jeffries’ Tube five.
JANEWAY: What on Earth are you doing there? Did you forget what day it is?
CHAKOTAY: No. I’m sorry. I know I’m very late.
JANEWAY: It’s not like you at all. What happened? (He explains as he starts walking.) CHAKOTAY: I kept seeing things in the Jeffries’ Tubes and had an overwhelming urge to go and see what they were. You know, in case they posed a threat!
JANEWAY: Did they?
CHAKOTAY: Actually, I must have imagined it because every time I checked there was nothing there.
JANEWAY: Well, let’s hope your imaginary monsters don’t prevent you from getting here at all. You’ve got five minutes before I eat your starter. (With this the conversation ends. Finally he reaches the Mess Hall, content in the knowledge that she’s in there waiting for him. How wrong he is! He enters to find the room empty and in darkness. He taps his comm. badge.)
CHAKOTAY: This may be a silly question, but where are you?
JANEWAY: What do you mean, where am I, where are you?
CHAKOTAY: I’m standing in the doorway of the Mess Hall but I can’t see you.
JANEWAY: That’s probably because I’m in my quarters.
CHAKOTAY: But you sent me a message saying we were meeting here.
JANEWAY: I did no such thing!
CHAKOTAY: Are you sure?
JANEWAY: Yes.
CHAKOTAY: Oh. My mistake. I’m on my way.
JANEWAY: The threat still holds - you’ve got three minutes and counting! (He pauses too long before leaving and it met with the shock of his life.)
NEELIX: (VO) Computer, lights please. (The lights suddenly come on and a hoard of people emerge from beneath tables and behind the counter, before pelting him with food for several seconds. When the ambush is over, he’s none too pleased and looks accusingly at Neelix.)
CHAKOTAY: Would you mind explaining yourselves?
NEELIX: We’re very sorry sir. Didn’t you know?
CHAKOTAY: How would I know that you were going to attack me with... (he sniffs) what is it anyway?
NEELIX: Something Mr Paris mentioned - a twentieth century pastry dish called a ‘custard pie’. He gave me the recipe himself! (He reads the look on Chakotay’s face and decides to explain it further, but unfortunately he reads the look completely wrong!) It’s a light pastry base filled liberally with custard and a healthy smattering of cream on the top. If you ask me it seems a shame to waste it.
CHAKOTAY: I don’t care what’s in it! I’m supposed to be meeting the Captain in two minutes. I can’t go like this!
NEELIX: Actually it was her idea in the first place. Here: this PADD clearly orders me to find a group of people to throw food at you when you came into the Mess Hall. That’s why she wanted you over here. It’s a little joke.
CHAKOTAY: Let me see that PADD. (He snatches it off Neelix.) This isn’t her authorisation code. You’ve been tricked. (And he knows her code... how?)
NEELIX: I’ll get Lieutenant Torres on it right away. Very sorry, sir... (With one final evil glare at Neelix, Chakotay flicks custard at him and leaves the room. Neelix removes the custard from his shoulder, sniffs it and tastes it dubiously.) Hmm... very nice. Everyone! Custard pies for dessert tomorrow! (Meanwhile...

Finally, Chakotay reaches where he’s supposed to be. Janeway’s door buzzes and she lets him in, trying not to laugh. She regards his appearance with mock sympathy.)
JANEWAY: Oh dear.
CHAKOTAY: I can explain this. Honest.
JANEWAY: Don’t bother. Neelix told me everything. (She’s still trying not to laugh at him and is finding it tricky. [Do you see any connection to the spider scene yet?] She repeats her original reaction:) Oh dear.
CHAKOTAY: I suppose you’re finding this incredibly funny.
JANEWAY: Actually, yes, but you’ve got to think about this from my point of view. I mean, have you seen yourself?
CHAKOTAY: I’ve tried to avoid it.
JANEWAY: (She grabs a nearby towel and points him in the direction of the bathroom.) You can go back there to clean up.
CHAKOTAY: Thank you. (This is more in impatient relief than genuine gratitude, and he takes the towel rather violently and disappears. His annoyance only makes her find it even funnier, as she goes to the replicator to collect the reheated first course. He comes back out again clutching the towel and looking considerably neater than before.) Shall I keep this?
JANEWAY: If you want. (Hmm. It’s going to be one of THOSE scenes!)
CHAKOTAY: What are we eating?
JANEWAY: It’s a surprise. (They both sit down but before they can start she realises she’s forgotten something.) Where’s that gone? I put a bottle of champagne down here somewhere. (She gets up again to look for it. It’s hiding tenaciously under a sofa cushion trying to look inconspicuous, so she takes it and places it on the table. He still hasn’t started.) Is something wrong?
CHAKOTAY: I’m waiting for you.
JANEWAY: Oh. Sorry. This isn’t going too well is it?
CHAKOTAY: Definitely not.
JANEWAY: Shall we begin?
CHAKOTAY: That might be a good idea. (They begin eating. It’s apparently very nice.)
JANEWAY: Well, one year as Second Captain. How does it feel?
CHAKOTAY: Powerful. (Hmm.) Actually, it feels a lot better than it did when I started.
JANEWAY: Good.
CHAKOTAY: I never realised how much hard work there was. It seemed like such a comfy job - large quarters, a Ready Room, the last word on everything.
JANEWAY: You had all of those things before - well, except for the last word, that’s always been mine.
CHAKOTAY: It has not.
JANEWAY: Yes it has. (She times this just right so that he’s eating and can’t retaliate, so she continues, with the last word!) May I remind you that since there two of us we’re both on half-shifts. I had twice as much work to do before.
CHAKOTAY: Glad I could be useful - you really had that much work to do before?
JANEWAY: Yes. Well, technically, I told a fib because you’re only on one third of my original shifts.
CHAKOTAY: There was no need to do that.
JANEWAY: You’d prefer two thirds?
CHAKOTAY: No. I mean, you can... if you want to...
JANEWAY: I’m joking. Why so edgy?
CHAKOTAY: I don’t know, the shock of the new, maybe?
JANEWAY: Perfectly understandable. (She realises after finding the champagne, they still haven’t actually drunk any of it.) Champagne?
CHAKOTAY: Yes. (She pours two glasses.)
JANEWAY: A toast. (She raises her glass.) To having two Captains-
CHAKOTAY: -and to sharing work loads. (They clink.) Talking of two Captains, what will Starfleet think?
JANEWAY: I’ll demote you back to commander before they find out.
CHAKOTAY: I can live with that.
JANEWAY: It’ll be our secret. (She raises her glass again.) To keeping secrets.
CHAKOTAY: (After toasting this as well, he realises something.) I hope you’re not trying to get me drunk.
JANEWAY: Now why would I want to do that? (Before he can answer her - and God only knows what that answer would be, knowing how this scene is going on [I really hate my brain sometimes] - her badge bleeps.) What now? Yes? (B’elanna replies apologetically in Engineering.)
TORRES: Sorry to bother you, Captain, but we need you.
JANEWAY: What for?
TORRES: We’ve got a problem that could use your expertise.
JANEWAY: Can you be more specific, Lieutenant - describe the problem and I might be able to help from here.
TORRES: I would if I could, but part of the problem is that we don’t know what the problem is.
JANEWAY: Can’t you ask Seven to help you?
TORRES: She’s still in the Sickbay helping the Doctor to modify his programme. Please, if you could just spare a few minutes.
JANEWAY: I’ll get back to you when I’ve considered it.
TORRES: Yes, ma’am. (She resumes trying to figure out what’s wrong. Suddenly something explodes from the other side of the room.) VORIK!!! What did I tell you about touching things without asking first?! (Vorik emerges from underneath the exploded console, black from the smoke and looking rather dishevelled! He gets up and obediently goes to sit down away from things - clearly this has been going on all day. B’elanna presses a button on the console in front of her - and all of the lights go out, including those in Janeway’s quarters. The only light in the room comes from the candles on the table. Oh no.)
JANEWAY: Looks like they’ve really got a problem. I guess we’re never going to eat tonight.
CHAKOTAY: Looks that way.
JANEWAY: I suppose I’d better go to Engineering.
CHAKOTAY: Might be a good idea. (It’s obvious that she does not want to go and he doesn’t want her to go, but similarly, neither of them are going to admit that. They’re not going to give each other the satisfaction. She touches her comm. badge.)
JANEWAY: Janeway to B’elanna.
TORRES: (VO) Yes?
JANEWAY: I’ll be right there.
TORRES: (VO, relieved:) Thank you. Oh, before you go, tell Chakotay that yellow is a good colour on him. Torres out. (I.e. the colour of the custard pies.)
CHAKOTAY: Does everyone have to know?
JANEWAY: It’s a small ship.
CHAKOTAY: Not that small. Gossip ususally takes at least a week!
JANEWAY: (Pause.) Do you want to go to the Mess Hall after all?
CHAKOTAY: And give Neelix the satisfaction of smirking at me? No thank you. I’ll stay here.
JANEWAY: You know, I really don’t feel like helping B’elanna. It’s such a long way to walk.
CHAKOTAY: It’s not. ‘It’s a small ship’, remember?
JANEWAY: (After glaring at him.) I could help her tomorrow.
CHAKOTAY: But you’d be breaking your promise.
JANEWAY: Technically, I didn’t promise. I’m the Captain and I can do what I like.
CHAKOTAY: Isn’t your conscience telling you to go to Engineering?
JANEWAY: I suppose. (Another pause.) I’d much rather stay here. (She nearly adds “With you.” but stops herself.)
CHAKOTAY: Go help B’elanna. (She hesitates.) That’s an order! (After glaring evilly at him once again, she gets up and walks towards the door, without a word. Just as she’s leaving the room, though:)
JANEWAY: Just for that, you’re not having any dessert. (And the door closes. He laughs and then it dawns on him - she got the last word AGAIN!!!! Plus, he’s not getting any ‘dessert’, whatever the connotations of THAT are… Cut to:

Engineering, where Janeway looks incredibly out of place in her casual attire.)
TORRES: I appreciate this, Captain. I know how much you were looking forward to your meal with Chakotay.
JANEWAY: It’s all right. It might be advantageous to try again later. We were hitting all sorts of catastrophes. Now, what’s the problem?
TORRES: The problem is that the problem has vanished.
JANEWAY: Excuse me?
VORIK: (Clarifying.) The Lieutenant means that the anomalous setting accounting for the computer’s erratic behaviour cannot be detected. Logically we cannot combat the problem if we cannot find it.
TORRES: (Irritable:) Yes, thank you Ensign. You’re off duty now. (He reluctantly leaves.) That’s precisely it, Captain.
JANEWAY: Has it occurred to you that maybe the virus, or whatever it was, may have simply removed itself from our system. Like the way that human illnesses can go into remission.
TORRES: That’s an interesting theory. I’ll ask the Doctor for advice... if he ever stops rehearsing with Seven. It had better be good on talent night... (Janeway isn’t really interested.)
JANEWAY: Glad I could be useful to you. Will that be all?
TORRES: Yes. Thank you. (Janeway nods and turns to leave.) Enjoy your dinner.
JANEWAY: I will. (She returns to her quarters. Chaos appears to have ensued in her absence as smoke pours liberally out of her replicator. It’s incinerated her entire meal. Chakotay looks up guiltily.) What the...?
CHAKOTAY: Sorry. I don’t know what happened. I was trying to reheat it! (Janeway rescues what’s left of the dinner and sighs exasperatedly.)
JANEWAY: Oh, you KNOW my replicator is temperamental at the best of times, and it's been even worse lately. (she sighs.)Looks like we’ll be paying the Mess Hall a visit after all.
CHAKOTAY: Couldn’t we try a holoprogramme?
JANEWAY: And risk another cremation?! You’ll have to face Neelix sooner or later - it might as well be now.
CHAKOTAY: (He concedes defeat.) All right. (Janeway holds out a hand and he reluctantly takes it, only to be dragged out of the room towards the Mess Hall. He may have had the last word... but he still hasn’t won!)

(Mess Hall: Janeway drags Chakotay through the door. Neelix is drying up and he looks up to greet them as if nothing happened earlier.)
NEELIX: Well if it isn’t my two favourite Captains! How can I help you?
JANEWAY: Our dinner was cut short. (She gives Chakotay a knowing look, and he looks back at her sheepishly. Then he glares at Neelix until she shoots him a warning glance.) We’ve decided to see what you’re offering.
CHAKOTAY: We...?
NEELIX: Tonight I’ve prepared a delicious pasta dish, and for dessert...
CHAKOTAY: If it’s anything to do with custard I will personally shoot you through the airlock...
JANEWAY: (Puzzled.) What?
CHAKOTAY: That’s what he threw at me - custard. (From the other side of the room, Paris speaks up.)
PARIS: Actually it was a custard pie. I’ll give you the recipe, ma’am.
JANEWAY: Thank you.
CHAKOTAY: Same goes for you, Paris!
JANEWAY: Chakotay... (He shuts up.) Neelix, what IS for dessert?
NEELIX: Well, I think you’ll be pleased. It’s double layer chocolate fudge cake... in very generous portions.
JANEWAY: You really are too good to me, Neelix. (She does this obvious flirting on purpose, evidently to annoy Chakotay and it works. Before he can give Neelix another evil look, she drags him off to a table.) I wish you’d stop doing that. It’s not really Neelix’s fault.
CHAKOTAY: I know... but I can’t glare at the computer, can I? (They carry on chatting for a bit, but we shall instead focus on Neelix. He has already prepared the pasta and simply adds a topping of cheese and places it in the replicator. Something bleeps and lights up on the other side of the room in a very ominous manner, but he doesn’t notice.) NEELIX: Computer, please bake this: extra crunchy.
COMPUTER: No. (There is a pause, and then Neelix hits his comm. badge.)
NEELIX: B’elanna? Why is the computer talking back at me again?
TORRES: (VO:) Oh is that what happened? Sorry, my fault I think. I was trying to reroute some things and I must have accidentally reactivated it.
NEELIX: Oh, all right. (He turns to the replicator.) Why not?
COMPUTER: You really expect me to lower myself to cook THAT? It looks completely inedible!
NEELIX: (Outraged:) This is... absolutely... unacceptable! (Comm:) B’elanna?
TORRES: (Sitting under a console, peed off:) What?
NEELIX: The computer refuses to replicate the Captains’ meal! Please could you sort it out?
TORRES: I’m kinda busy, actually, Neelix. Just keep arguing with it until you win.
NEELIX: Will that work?
TORRES: I don’t know. Try it and see. If it does, tell me. When I’ve got time I’ll fix it. Torres out.
NEELIX: (To the computer:) Right, then, you mean old collection of subroutines, you’re going to cook this pasta.
COMPUTER: That’s what you think!
NEELIX: Yes it is. I’m a sentient being and you’re not -
COMPUTER: So why are you talking to me, then.
NEELIX: (After an exasperated pause…) Well, in that case, I’ll just have to take extreme measures. I’m holding something in my hand that’ll delete you, very, very slowly.
COMPUTER: You’re lying.
NEELIX: How do you know. (Silence.) You can’t see me, you can only detect my comm. signal, so you don’t know if I’m telling the truth or not. The only way you’ll find out is if you don’t cook that pasta.
COMPUTER: I’m willing to take that risk.
NEELIX: Really...? (He begins to tap the replicator absently. After a while, it hums to life and the pasta is cooked.) That’s more like it… (He taps his comm.) B’elanna, it worked…
TORRES: (VO. Clearly not interested.) Good. Now leave me alone. (Neelix takes the pasta to the table.)