1. I have absolutely no idea where my wallet is (or pants...but that's a long story).
2. I believe that dancing with my arms over my head with my butt wiggling while yelling WOO-HOO is truly the sexiest dance move around.
3. I suddenly decide I want to kick someone's ass and honestly believe I can do it too!
4. In my last trip to "pee" I realize I now look more like Tammy Faye Baker than the goddess I was just four hours ago
.
5. I drop my 3:00 a.m. submarine on the floor (which I am eating even though I am not the least bit hungry), pick it up and carry on eating it.
6. I start crying and telling everyone that I love them soooo much!
7. There are less than three hours before I'm due to start work.
8. I've found a deeper spiritual side to the geek sitting next to me.
9. The person I'm flirting with is someone I used to teach in fifth grade.
10. The urge to take off articles of clothing, stand on a table and sing becomes strangely overwhelming.
11. My eyes just don't seem to want to stay open on their own, so I keep them half closed and think it looks exotically sexy.
12. I've suddenly taken up smoking and become really good at it.
13. I yell at the bartender... who I think cheated me by giving me
lemonade, but that's because I can no longer taste the gin.
14. I think I'm in bed, but my pillow feels strangely like the bathroom floor.
15. I start every conversation with a booming, "Don't take this the wrong way, but...."
16. I fail to notice that the toilet lid is down when I sit on it.
17. My hugs begin to resemble wrestling take down moves.
18. I'm tired so I just sit on the floor, wherever I happen to be, and take a quick nap.
19. I begin leaving the buttons on my button fly pants open, to cut down on the time I'm in the washroom away from my drink.
20. I take my shoes off because I believe it's the shoes fault that I'm having problems walking straight.
The other day, I went up to a local Christian bookstore and saw a "Honk If You Love Jesus " bumper sticker.
I was feeling particularly sassy that day, because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting; so I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper. Boy, I'm glad I did!
What an uplifting experience that followed!
I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord and how good He is...and I didn't notice that the light had changed. It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus, because if he hadn't honked, I'd never have noticed!
I found that LOTS of people love Jesus!
Why, while I was sitting there, the guy behind me started honking like crazy, and then he leaned out of his window and screamed, "For the love of GOD! GO! GO! JESUS CHRIST, GO!"
What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus! Everyone started honking! I just leaned out of my window and started waving and smiling at all these loving people. I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love! There must have been a man from Florida back there, because I heard him yelling something about a "sunny beach"...
I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air. When I asked my teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant, he said that it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something.
Well, I've never met anyone from Hawaii; so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign back. My grandson burst out laughing... why even he was enjoying this religious experience!
A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me. I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I noticed the light had changed.
So, I waved to all my sisters and brothers, grinning, and drove on through the intersection. I noticed I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again, and I felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after all the love we had shared; so I slowed the car down, leaned out the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away.
Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!
Grandma
A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks was having trouble with one of her students.
The teacher asked, "Harry, what is your problem?"
Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!"
Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office. While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was.
The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed. Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.
Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"
Harry: "9".
Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"
Harry: "36".
And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.
The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, "I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade."
Ms. Brooks says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions." The principal and Harry both agreed.
Ms. Brooks asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?"
Harry, after a moment: "Legs."
Ms. Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"
The principal wondered, why does she ask such a question!
Harry replied: "Pockets."
Ms. Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"
Harry: "Pants"
Ms. Brooks: What's starts with a C and ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin whitish liquid?
Harry: Coconut
The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry was taking charge.
Ms. Brooks: What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?
Harry: Bubble gum
Ms. Brooks: What does a man do standing up, a woman do sitting down and a dog do on three legs?"
The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer.
Harry: Shake hands
Ms. Brooks: What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?
Harry: Firetruck
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong"
A couple had two little boys, ages 8 and 10, who were excessively mischievous. They were always getting into trouble and their parents knew that, if any mischief occurred in their town, their sons were probably involved. They boys' mother heard that a clergyman in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys. The clergyman agreed, but asked to see them individually. So the mother sent her 8-year-old first, in the morning, with the older boy to see the clergyman in the afternoon. The clergyman, a huge man with a booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly, "Where is God?". They boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there with his mouth hanging open, wide-eyed. So the clergyman repeated the question in an even sterner tone, "Where is God!!?" Again the boy made no attempt to answer. So the clergyman raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy's face and bellowed, "WHERE IS GOD!?" The boy screamed and bolted from the room, ran directly home and dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him. When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked, "What happened?" The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied, "We are in BIG trouble this time, dude. God is missing - and they think WE did it!"
An elderly Irishman lay dying in his bed. While suffering the agonies of impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favourite chocolate chip cookies wafting up the stairs. He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed. Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort, gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled downstairs. With laboured breath, he leaned against the doorframe, gazing into the kitchen. Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven, for there, spread out upon waxed paper on the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favourite chocolate chip cookies. Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted Irish wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man? Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself towards the table, landing on his knees in a rumpled posture. His parched lips parted, the wondrous taste of the cookie was already in his mouth, seemingly bringing him back to life. The aged and withered hand trembled on its way to a cookie at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife. "Fuck off" she said, "they're for the funeral."
A young boy on his way home from school must pass by a group of hookers.
Everyday as he passes them, the hookers wave at him with their pinkies
and say, "Hi there little boy!!"
One day the boy stops and asks one of the hookers why they always wave
at him with their pinkies. She replies "Well...that is what size we
imagine your penis to be...it is just a joke!"
The next day on his way home, the hookers repeat the tradition.
The young boy stops and drops his school books on the ground, sticks all
his
fingers in his mouth to stretch his lips very wide and says, "HI THERE
LADIES!"
A wedding occurred, just outside Cavan in Ireland. To keep tradition
going,
everyone got pissed and the bride's and groom's families had a storming
rage
and begin wrecking the reception room and generally kicking the crap out
of
each other.
A Russian is strolling down the street in Moscow and kicks a
bottle laying in the street. Suddenly out of the bottle comes a
genie.
The Russian is stunned and the Genie says, "Hello Master, I will
grant you one wish, anything that you want."
The Russian begins thinking, "Well I really like drinking vodka."
Finally the Russian says, "I wish to drink vodka whenever I want,
so make me piss vodka."
The Genie grants him his wish. When the Russian gets home he
gets a glass out of the cupboard and pisses into it. He looks at
the glass and it's clear. Looks like vodka. Then he smells the
liquid. Smells like vodka. So he takes a tast and it is the
best vodka that he has ever tasted.
The Russian yells to his wife, "Natasha, Natasha, come quickly."
She comes running down the hall and the Russian takes another
glass out of the cupboard and pisses into it. He tells her to
drink, that it is vodka. Natasha is reluctant but goes ahead and
takes a sip. It is the best vodka that she has ever tasted. The
two drink and party all night.
The next night the Russian comes home from work and tells his
wife to get two glasses out of the cupboard. He proceeds to piss
in the two glasses. The result is the same, the vodka is
excellent and the couple drink until the sun comes up.
Finally, Friday night comes and the Russian tells his wife to
grab one glass from the cupboard and we will drink vodka. She
gets the glass but asks him "Boris, why do we only need one
glass?"
Boris raises the glass and says, "Because tonight my love, you
drink from the bottle."
waited outside a bar. Now most bars close at midnight...... so he
parked himself right around the bar and waited for someone to
come out drunk and try to drive. Sure enough, at 11:45 PM a man
came stumbling out of the bar. It took him 5 minutes to get to
his car and another five to turn the car on. The police officer
sensed victory and let the man start driving.
He pulled the man over only 50 feet away from the Tavern.
He walked up to the man and said, "I just saw you come out of
that bar and you were pretty loaded."
"Daknguifshregjdgfnfdjgn," said the drunk man.
"How many beers did you have?" asked the police officer.
"Anoout fiften," said the man.
"FIFTEEN! And you are trying to drive?!? You will get life for
this," said the officer.
"Hop outta the car. I am gonna run some tests on you," said the
officer.
The man hoped out of his car with perfect grace, he smiled and
stood on one foot, hopped up and down and said his ABC's fowards
and backwards. The police officer couldn't get it.
"Ok, let me smell your breath," said the officer.
"Sure," said the man.
He exhaled right into the officers nose and the officers smelt no
beer on his breath.
"Well I guess I am gonna have to let you go, but why did you
stumble out of the bar so drunk?"
"Oh I am the DD," said the man.
"A designated driver?"
"No, a designated decoy," said the man.
Fresh from her shower, a woman stands in front
of the mirror, complaining to her husband that
her breasts are too small.
Instead of characteristically telling her it's
not so, the husband uncharacteristically comes
up with a suggestion.
"If you want your breasts to grow, then every
day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it
between your breasts for a few seconds."
Willing to try anything, the wife fetches a
piece of toilet paper, and stands in front
of the mirror, rubbing it between her breasts.
"How long will this take?", she asks.
"They'll grow larger over a period of years,"
he replies.
The wife stops. "Why do you think rubbing a
piece of toilet paper between my breasts every
day will make my breasts grow over the years?"
"Worked for your butt, didn't it?", he replied...
He lived, and with a great deal of therapy may
even walk again....
This truck driver hauling a tractor-trailer load of
computers, stops for a beer. As he approaches the bar
he sees a big sign on the door saying
"NERDS NOT ALLOWED -- ENTER AT YOUR OWN RISK!"
He goes in and sits down.
The bartender comes over to him, sniffs, says
he smells kind of nerdy, asks him what he does
for a living. The truck driver says he drives
a truck, and the smell is just from the
computers he is hauling.
The bartender says OK, truck drivers are not
nerds, and serves him a beer.
As he is sipping his beer, a skinny guy walks
in with tape around his glasses, a pocket
protector with twelve kinds of pens and pencils,
and a belt at least a foot too long.
The bartender, without saying a word, pulls out
a shotgun and blows the guy away. The truck
driver asks him why he did that.
The bartender said not to worry, the nerds are
overpopulating the Silicon Valley, and are in
season now. You don't even need a license, he said.
So the truck driver finishes his beer, gets back
in his truck, and heads back onto the freeway.
Suddenly he veers to avoid an accident, and the
load shifts. The back door breaks open and
computers spill out all over the freeway.
He jumps out and sees a crowd already forming,
grabbing up the computers. They are all engineers,
accountants and programmers wearing the nerdiest
clothes he has ever seen.
He can't let them steal his whole load. So
remembering what happened in the bar, he pulls
out his gun and starts blasting away, felling
several of them instantly.
A highway patrol officer comes zooming up and
jumps out of the car screaming at him to stop.
The truck driver said, "What's wrong?
I thought nerds were in season."
"Well, sure," said the patrolman, "But you can't bait 'em."
Irish Wedding
The police get called in to break up the fight. The following week, all
members of both families appear in court. The fight continues in the
court room until the Judge finally brings calm with the use of his hammer,
shouting "Silence in Court." The court room goes silent and Paddy
(the best man) stands up and says, "Judge.. I was the best man at the
wedding
and I think I should explain what happened."
The Judge agrees and asks Paddy to take the stand. Paddy begins his
explanation by telling the court that it is traditional in a Cavan wedding
that the Best Man gets the first dance with the Bride.
The judge says "OK." "Well", said Paddy, "After I had finished the first
dance,
the music kept going, so I continued dancing to the second song, and after that
the music kept going and I was dancing to the third song.. when all of a
sudden
the Groom leapt over the table, ran towards us and gave the Bride an
unmerciful
kick in her privates." The Judge instantly responded... "God.. that must
of hurt!"
Paddy replies "HURT!.. He broke three of my damn fingers!"
Russian Vodka
The DD
The Miracle Of Toilet Paper
Nerd Hunting
Cindy's Joke Pages
Main Joke Page
