A blonde guy gets home early from work and hears strange
noises coming from the bedroom. He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked
on the bed, sweating and panting. "What's up?" he says.
"I'm having a heart attack," cries the woman.
He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he's dialing, his
4-year-old son comes up and says, "Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Ted's
hiding in your closet and he's got no clothes on!"
The guy slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom,
past his screaming wife, and rips open the wardrobe door.
Sure enough, there is his brother, totally naked, cowering on the closet
floor.
"You rotten bastard", says the husband, "my wife's having a heart attack
and you're running around naked scaring the kids.
Calling in sick to work makes me uncomfortable. No matter how legitimate
my illness, I always sense my boss thinks I am lying.
On one occasion, I had a valid reason, but lied anyway because the truth
was too humiliating. I simply mentioned that I had sustained a head
injury and I hoped I would feel up to coming in the
next day. By then, I could think up a doozy to explain the bandage on my
crown. The accident occurred mainly because I conceded to my wife's wishes to
adopt a cute little kitty. Initially the new acquisition
was no problem, but one morning I was taking my shower after breakfast when I
heard my wife, Deb, call out to me from the
kitchen. "Ed! The garbage disposal is dead. Come reset it." "You know
where the button is." I protested through the shower(pitter-patter).
"Reset it yourself!" "I am scared!" She pleaded.
What if it starts going and sucks me in?" (Pause) "C'mon, it'll
only take a second." So out I came, dripping wet and buck
naked, hoping to make a statement about how her cowardly behavior
was not without consequence. I crouched down and stuck my head under
the sink to find the button.
It is the last action I remember performing. It struck without warning,
without respect to my circumstances. Nay, it wasn't a hexed
disposal drawing me into its gnashing metal teeth. It was our new
kitty, clawing playfully at the dangling objects she spied between my legs.
She had been poised around the corner and stalked me as I took the bait under
the sink. At precisely the second I was most vulnerable, she leapt at the
toys I unwittingly offered and snagged them with her needle-like claws. I
lost all rational thought to control orderly bodily movements, while rising
upwardly at a violent rate of speed, with the full weight of a kitten hanging
from my masculine region.
Wild animals are sometimes faced with a "fight or flight" syndrome.
Men, in this predicament, choose only the "flight" option. Fleeing
straight up, the sink and cabinet bluntly impeded my ascent; the impact
knocked me out cold. When I awoke, my wife and the paramedics
stood over me. Having been fully briefed by my wife, the paramedics snorted
as they tried to conduct their work while
suppressing their hysterical laughter. At the office, colleagues
tried to coax an explanation out of me. I kept silent, claiming it was too
painful to talk.
"What's the matter, cat got your tongue?" If they had only known
A fellow bought a new Mercedes and was out on an interstate
road for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze
was blowing through his hair and he decided to open her up.
As the needle jumped up to 80mph he suddenly saw a flashing
red and blue light behind him. "There ain't no way they can
catch a Mercedes," he thought to himself and opened her up
further. The needle hit 90, 100 110 and finally 120 with the
lights still behind him. "What in hell am I doing?" he thought and pulled
over. The cop came up to him, took his license without a word and
examined it and the car. "I've had a tough shift and this is
my last pull over. I don't feel like more paperwork so if you
can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven't heard
before you can go!" "Last week my wife ran off with a cop," the man said,
"and I was afraid you were trying to give her back!"
"Have a nice night", said the officer
Two old women were talking and exchanging notes on
their sexual activities. The first old woman told the second
old woman that sometimes she gets her husband excited at
night by getting totally naked, lying in bed and putting both
legs behind her head, yoga style.
The second old woman thought that this was a great idea,
so that night when her husband went in the bathroom to get
ready for bed, she got totally naked and began the process
of putting her legs behind her head.
The first leg was kind of tough to put in place as she was a bit
arthritic. However, she finally got it in place. She had an even
tougher time with the second leg, so she rocked herself
backwards until she finally got it behind her head. However,
she had rocked just a little too hard so that she flipped slightly
backwards and got stuck with her butt sticking straight up in
in the air. It was just then that her husband came out of the
bathroom.
"Gladys!" he exclaimed. "For heavens sake, comb your hair
and put your teeth in .... You look like an asshole".
The Hamster Story
A true story by W. Bruce Cameron
Overview: I had to take my son's hamster to the vet.
Here's what happened: Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was "something wrong" with one of the two hamsters he holds prisoner in his room. "He's just lying there looking sick," he told me.
"Oldest trick in the book, son," I informed him. "You go in to see what's wrong with the sick one and the other one sneaks up behind you and bonks you on the head. Then they change into your clothes and escape."
I'm serious, Dad. Can you help?"
I put my best hamster-healer expression on my face and followed him into his bedroom. One of the little rodents was indeed lying on his back, looking distressed. I immediately knew what to do. Call the professional.
"Honey, " I called, "come look at the hamster!"
"Oh, my gosh," my wife diagnosed after a minute. "She's having babies."
"What?" my son demanded. "But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mom!"
I was equally outraged. "Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we didn't want them to reproduce," I accused my wife.
"Well, what did you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?" she inquired. (I actually think she said this sarcastically!)
"No, but you were supposed to get two boys!" I reminded her, in my most loving, calm, sweet voice.
"Yeah, Bert and Ernie!" my son agreed.
"Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys," she informed me.(Again with the sarcasm you think?)
By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on.
I shrugged, deciding to make the best of it. "Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience," I announced. "We're about to witness the miracle of birth."
"OH, Gross!" they shrieked.
"Well, isn't THAT just Great!: what are we going to do with a litter of tiny little hamsters?" my wife wanted to know. (I really do think she was being snotty here, too. Don't you?)
"Well, when my parents' dogs had puppies, I took them up to the grocery store in a cardboard box and gave them away," I recalled.
"So what are you going to do, go up with a pair of tweezers so people can pick out their hamster?" she asked. (Gotta love her!)
We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like a tiny foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later.
"We don't appear to be making much progress," I noted. "A breech birth," my wife whispered, horrified.
"Do something, Dad!" my son urged.
"Okay, okay." Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed the foot when it next appeared, giving it a gingerly tug. It disappeared. I tried again, with the same results.
"Should I dial 911,?" my daughter wanted to know. "Maybe they could talk us through the trauma." (You see a pattern here with females?)
"Let's get Ernie to the vet," I said grimly.
We drove to the vet with my son holding the cage in his lap.
"Breathe, Ernie, breathe," he urged.
"I don't think hamsters do la maze," his mother noted to him. (Women can be so cruel to their own young. I mean what she does to me is one thing, but this boy is "of her womb," for God's sake.)
The vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the little animal through a magnifying glass.
"What do you think, Doc, an epidermal?" I suggested scientifically.
"Oh, very interesting," he murmured. "Mr. and Mrs. Cameron, may I speak to you privately for a moment?"
I gulped, nodded for my son to step outside.
"Is Ernie going to be okay?" my wife asked.
"Oh, perfectly," the vet assured us. "The hamster is not in labor. In fact that isn't EVER going to happen ....Ernie is a boy."
"What!?"
"You see, Ernie is a young male. And occasionally, as they come into maturity, male hamsters will master, er, er, ah...." He blushed, glancing at my wife. "Well, you know what I'm saying, Mr. Cameron."
We were silent, absorbing this. "So Ernie's just ... just ...Excited?" my wife offered.
"Exactly," the vet replied, relieved that we understood. More silence. Then my viscous, cruel woman started to giggle. And giggle. And then even laugh loudly.
"What's so funny?" I demanded, knowing, but not believing that the woman I married would commit the upcoming affront to my flawless manliness.
Tears were now running down her face. "Just... that... I'm picturing you pulling on its... its... teeny little..." she gasped for more air to bellow in laughter once more.
"That's enough," I warned.
We thanked the veterinarian and hurriedly bundled the hamsters and our son back into the car. He was glad everything was going to be okay.
"I know Ernie's really thankful for what you've done, Dad," he told me.
"Oh, you have NO idea," my wife agreed, collapsing into laughter as I gave her a dirty look. (And women have the gall to go through the marriage ceremony with a completely straight face. It's scary.)
A drunk stumbles along a Baptismal service on a Sunday afternoon down by the river. He proceeds to stumble down into the water and stands next to the Minister. The Minister turns, notices the old drunk and says, "Mister, are you ready to find Jesus?"
The drunk looks back and says, "Yes sir, I am."
The Minister then dunks the fellow under the water and pulls him right back up. "Have you found Jesus?" the Minister asked.
"No, I didn't!" said the drunk.
The Minister then dunks him under for a quite a bit longer, brings him up and says, "Now brother, have you found Jesus?"
"No, I did not!" said the drunk again.
Disgusted, the Minister holds the man under for at least 30 seconds this time, brings him up and demands, "For the grace of God, have you found Jesus yet?!!!??"
The old drunk wipes his eyes and pleads, "Are you sure this is where he fell in?"
Not long ago and far away, Santa was getting ready for his annual trip....
But there were problems everywhere. Four of his elves got sick, and the
trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones so Santa
was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule.
Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her Mom was coming to visit.
This stressed Santa even more.
When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about
to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where.
More Stress.
Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the boards cracked and the toy
bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys.
Totally frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of coffee and a shot
of whiskey. When he went to the cupboard, he found the elves had hit the
liquor and there was nothing to drink. In his frustration, he dropped the
coffee pot and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen
floor.
He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw it was made
from.
Just then, the doorbell rang and Santa cussed on his way to the door. He
opened the door and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.
The angel said: "Where would you like to put this tree, fat man?" And that
my friend is how the little angel came to be on top of the Christmas tree.
Two Indians and a Hillbilly were walking in the woods, all of a sudden
one of the Indians ran up a hill to the mouth of a small cave.
"Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!" he called into the cave and then he listened
very closely until he heard a answering, "Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!" He
tore off his clothes and
ran into the cave.
The Hillbilly was puzzled and asked the other Indian what that was all
about, was the other Indian crazy or what?
"No," said the Indian. "It is our custom during mating
season when Indian men see cave, they holler 'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!'
into the opening. If they get an answer back, it means there is a girl
in there
waiting to mate."
Just then they saw another cave. the Indian ran up to the opening of the
cave, stopped, and hollered, "Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!"
Immediately, there was an answering "Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!" from deep
inside the cave. He tore off his clothes and ran into the cave.
The Hillbilly wandered around in the woods alone for a while, and then
he came upon a great big cave. As he looked in amazement at the size
of the huge opening, he was
thinking, "Hoo, man! Look at the size of this cave! It is bigger than
those the Indians found.
He stood in front of the opening and hollered with all his
might "Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!"
He grinned and closed his eyes in anticipation, and then he heard the
answering call, "WOOOOOOOOO! WOOOOOOOOO! WOOOOOOOOO!"
With a gleam in his eyes and a smile on his face, he raced into the
cave, tearing off his clothes as he ran.
The following day, the headline of the Local Newspaper read.....
"NAKED HILLBILLY RUN OVER BY FREIGHT TRAIN"
One day at school, Ms. Jones decided to test her first
grade classes knowledge. She called the children onto
the rug and sat in her chair.
"Now class," she said, "I am holding something behind my
back that is red and round, who can tell me what it is?"
Little Billy raised his hand. "Yes, Billy." said Ms.
Jones. "Its a ball!" exclaimed Billy. "No, its an apple,
but I like the way you think." "Let's try another one,"
said Ms. Jones. "This time I am holding something that
is long and yellow. What is it?" And again Billy raised
his hand. "Yes, Billy." Ms. Jones said. "Teacher, its a
banana!" said Billy. "No, Billy, its a pencil, but I
like the way you think." Then Billy says, "Teacher, let
me do you." "Okay, Billy," Ms. Jones says. So Billy puts
his hand in his pocket and says, "I am holding something
that is hard, round and has a head. What is it?"
Horrified, Ms. Jones shouts, "Billy! That is
unacceptable. Now you go straight to the office!" Billy
looks at Ms. Jones and says, "But teacher, It's only a
quarter," and with that Billy takes a quarter out of his
pocket. "But I like the way you think!"
On Christmas morning, a cop on horseback was sitting at
a traffic light, and next to him was a kid on his
shiny new bike. The cop said to the kid, "Nice bike you got
there.
Did Santa bring that to you?" The kid said, "Yeah."
The cop said, "Well next year, tell Santa to put a taillight
on that bike."
The cop then proceeded to issue the kid a $20.00
bicycle safety violation ticket. The kid took the ticket.
Before he rode off he said, "By the way, that's a nice horse
you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?"
Humoring the kid, the cop said, "Yeah, he sure did."
The kid said, "Well next year tell Santa to put the
dick underneath the horse, instead of on top."
Little Johnny had a cussing problem and his father was getting
tired of it. He decided to ask his shrink what to do. The shrink
said, "Since Christmas is coming up, you should ask Johnny what
he wants Santa to bring him. If he cusses while he tells you his
wish list, leave a pile of dog poop in place of the gift or
gifts he requests."
Two days before Christmas, Johnny's father asked him what he
wanted for Christmas. "I want a fucking teddy-bear laying right
beside me when I wake-up. When I go downstairs I want to see a
goddamn train going around the damn tree. And when I go outside I
want to see a mother fucking bike leaning up against the goddamn
garage."
Christmas morning, Little Johnny woke up and rolled over into a
pile of dog poop. Confused, he walked down stairs and saw
another pile under the tree. Scratching his head, he walked
outside and saw a huge pile of dog poop by the garage. When
Johnny walked back inside with a curious look on his face, his
dad smiled and asked, "What did Santa bring you this year?"
Johnny replied, "I think I got a dog but I can't find the son-of-
a-bitch!"
A little old lady went to the grocery store and put the most expensive cat food in her basket. She then went to the checkout counter where she told the check-out girl, "Nothing but the best for my little
kitten." The girl at the register said, "I'm sorry, but we cannot sell you cat food without proof that you have a cat. A lot of old people buy cat food
to eat, and the management wants proof that you are buying the cat food for your cat."
The little old lady went home, picked up her cat and brought it back to the store.
They sold her the cat food.
The next day, the old lady went to the store and bought 12 of the most expensive dog cookies -- one for each day of Christmas. The cashier this time demanded proof that she now had a dog, claiming
that old people sometimes eat dog food. Frustrated she went home, came back and brought in her dog.
She was then given the dog cookies.
The next day she brought in a box with a hole in the middle. The little old lady asked the cashier to stick her finger in the hole. The cashier
said, "No, you might have a snake in there."
The little old lady assured her that there was nothing in the box that would bite her. So the cashier put her finger into the box and pulled
it out and told the little old lady, "That smells like poop". The little old lady grinned from ear to ear, "Now, my dear, can I please buy three rolls of toilet paper?"
MORAL: Never fool around with little old ladies.
While waiting at a bus stop for a bus, a woman stepped onto
a weight machine that told your fortune and weight for a
quarter. She put a quarter in, and out came a card that read,
"Your age is 32, You weigh 135 lbs., and you play the fiddle."
She found the fortune amusing, since she didn't play the
fiddle, But it did have her age correct. About that time, an
old gentleman walked up carrying a violin. She asked him if
she could see it. He agreed, and to their amazement, she
started playing the instrument with what seemed a natural
talent. She wondered if the fortune machine had actually
known something about her that she didn't.
She thought about it, and decided to try the weight machine
again. She put another quarter in the machine, and out
comes the card that reads: "Your age is 32, you weigh 135
lbs., and you have gastritis." She found this one to be
absurd, as she was in perfect health, so she goes back to
the bus-stop to wait for her bus. While sitting there, she
develops abdominal pains that continue to get worse until all
of a sudden, to her embarrassment, she expels a great deal
of noisy wind. She wondered about the fortune, and again
was curious if the machine was capable of knowing stuff
about her that she didn't know.
She puts another quarter in the machine, and out comes a
card that reads: "Your age is 32, you weigh 135 lbs., and you
are about to have sex." She laughed out loud, as she had
been trying to find a decent guy for a long time and had been
sexless for almost a year. She is sitting there waiting for the
bus, when this attractive young man sits down and
immediately their eyes locked, and she almost melted. The
chemistry was incredible. They both knew that they were
right for each other and that they were soul mates. They
held hands, then quickly ducked into the alley and began to
kiss. Before they knew it they were making mad love.
The woman was so amazed at the ability of the machine,
that she had to try it one more time. She stood on the
machine, put her last quarter in, and out came a card that
read: "Your age is 32, you weigh 135 lbs., You've Fiddled
You've Farted, You've Screwed around, and now you've
missed your bus!"
Twin brothers were named Joe and John. Joe was the
owner of a
dilapidated old boat. I happened that John's wife
died the same day
that Joe's boat sank. A few days later a kindly old
lady met Joe on
the
street, and mistaking him for John said, "Oh, Mr.
Jones, I'm sorry to
hear about your great loss, you must feel terrible."
He said, "well,
I'm not to worried. She was a rotten old thing from
the beginning.
Her
bottom was all shriveled up, and she smelled like a
dead fish. And the
first time I got into her, she made water faster than
anything I had
ever seen! She had a bad crack in back, and a pretty
big hole in
front. That hole got bigger every time I used her and
leaked like
everything. This is what finally finished her. Four
guys from the
other
side of town, looking for a good time, asked if I
would rent her to
them. I warned them whe wasn't so hot, but they said
they would take a
crack at her anyhow. The crazy fools all tried to get
in to her at
once, and it was too much for her. She cracked right
up the middle."
The old lady fainted.
Ted and his wife were working in their garden one day when Ted looks
over at his wife and says: "Your butt is getting really big,
I mean really big! I bet your butt is bigger than the barbecue."
With that he proceeded to get a measuring tape and measure the grill
and then went over to where his wife was working and measured his wife's
bottom. "Yes, I was right, your butt is two inches wider than the
barbecue!!!!"
The wife chooses to ignore her husband.
Later that night in bed, Ted is feeling a little frisky. He makes some
advances towards his wife who completely brushes him off.
"What's wrong?" he asks.
She answers: "Do you really think I'm going to fire up this big-ass
grill for one little weenie?".
After a long night of making love the young guy rolled
over, pulled out a cigarette from his jeans and searched for
his lighter. Unable to find it, he asked the girl if she had one
at hand.
"There might be some matches in the top drawer," she
replied.
He opened the drawer of the bedside table and found a
box of matches setting neatly on top of a framed picture of
another man. Naturally, the guy began to worry. "Is this your
husband?" he inquired nervously.
"No, silly," she replied, snuggling up to him.
"Your boyfriend then?" he asked.
"No, not at all," she said, nibbling away at his ear.
"Well, who is he then?" demanded the bewildered guy.
Calmly, the girl replied, "That's me before the
operation."
The Top 20 Ways to Tell Someone Their Fly is Unzipped:
The cucumber has left the salad.
I can see the gun of Navarone.
Someone tore down the wall, and your Pink Floyd is hanging out.
You've got Windows on your laptop.
Sailor Ned's trying to take a little shore leave.
Your soldier ain't so unknown now.
Quasimodo needs to go back in the tower and tend to his bells.
You need to bring your tray table to the upright and locked
position.
Paging Mr. Johnson... Paging Mr. Johnson...
Your pod bay door is open, Hal.
Elvis Junior has LEFT the building!
Mini Me is making a break for the escape pod.
Ensign Hanes is reporting a hull breach on the lower deck, Sir!
The Buick is not all the way in the garage.
Dr. Kimble has escaped!
You've got your fly set for "Monica" instead of "Hillary."
Our next guest is someone who needs no introduction...
You've got a security breach at Los Pantalones.
I'm talking about Shaft, can you dig it?
and The Number One Way to Tell Someone Their Fly Is
Unzipped...
Men are From Mars, and I Can See Your Penis
There was a Great Dog Convention.
They come from near and far.
Some came on bicycles,
and some came in cars.
Y'know, before they could enter,
or even take a look,
they had to take their asshole off,
and hang it on a hook.
But before they even got seated,
(every mother, pup, and sire),
An old dog hollered from the back,
"Run for your life. It's a FIRE!"
The crowd of dogs began to panic,
and nobody stopped to look.
They grabbed the very nearest asshole,
off the very nearest hook.
And this is why, even today,
a dog will drop a bone,
to sniff another dog's asshole,
to see if it's his own.
Two friends, an Italian boy and a Jewish boy, come of age at the same
time.
The italian boy's father presents him with a brand-new pistol. On the
other
side of town, at his Bar Mitzvah, the Jewish boy receives a beautiful
gold
watch.
The next day in school, the two boys are showing each other what they
got.
It turns out that each boy likes the other's present better, and so
they
trade.
That night, when the Italian boy is at home, his father sees him
looking
at
the watch.
"Where did you getta thatta watch?" asks the man.
The boy explains that he and Sammy had traded. The father blows his
top.
"Whatta you? Stupidda boy? Whatsa matta you?"
"Somma day, you maybe gonna getta married. Then maybe somma day you
gonna
comma home and finda your wife inna bed with another man. Whatta you
gonna
do then? Looka atta you watch and say, "How longa you gonna be?"
Two guys go hunting. Jerry has never gone hunting while Joe has hunted all
his life.
When they get to the northern Wisconsin woods, Joe tells Jerry to sit by a
tree and not make a sound while Joe checks out a deer stand. When Joe gets
about a quarter of a mile away, Joe hears a blood-curdling scream. He rushes
back to Jerry and yells, "I thought I told you to be quiet!"
Jerry says, "Hey, I tried. I REALLY TRIED! When those snakes crawled over
me, I didn't make a sound. When that bear was breathing down my neck, I
didn't make a peep. But when those two chipmunks crawled up my pants leg and
said - Should we take them with us or eat them here?'...I couldn't keep quiet
any more!"
Mother had 3 daughters. They were all getting married
within a short time period. Because Mom was a bit worried
about how their sex life would get started, she made them
all promise to send a postcard from the honeymoon with a
few words on how marital sex felt.
The first girl sent a card from Hawaii two days after the
wedding. The card said nothing but "Nescafe". Mom was
puzzled at first, but then went to the kitchen and got out
the Nescafe jar. It said: "Good till the last drop." Mom
blushed, but was pleased for her daughter.
The second girl sent the card from Vermont a week after the
wedding, and the card read: "Benson&Hedges". Mom now knew
to go straight to her husband's cigarettes, and she read
from the Benson&Hedges pack: "Extra Long. King Size." She
was again slightly embarrassed but still happy for her
daughter.
The third girl left for her honeymoon in the Caribbean.
Mom waited for a week, nothing. Another week went by and
still nothing. Then after a whole month, a card finally
arrived. Written on it with shaky handwriting were the
words: "British Airways". Mom took out her latest Harper's
Bazaar magazine, flipped through the pages fearing the
worst, and finally found the ad for the airline. The ad
said: "Three times a day, seven days a week, both ways."
Mom fainted
When Bill and Hillary first got married Bill said,
"I am putting a box under
the bed. You must promise never to look in it."
Hillary agreed, and in all
their 30 years of marriage Hillary never looked.
However, on the afternoon of their 30th anniversary,
curiosity got the best
of her and she lifted the lid and peeked inside. In
the box were 3 empty
beer cans and $81,874.25 in cash. She closed the box
and put it back under
the bed. Now that she knew what was in the box, she
was doubly curious as to
why.
That evening they were out for a special dinner.
After dinner Hillary could
no longer contain her curiosity and she confessed,
saying, "Bill, I am so
sorry. For all these years I kept my promise and
never looked into the box
under our bed. However, today the temptation was
too much and I gave in.
But now I need to know why do you keep the cans in
the box?"
Bill thought for a while and said, "I guess after
all these years you
deserve to know the truth. Whenever I was unfaithful
to you I put an empty
beer can in the box under the bed to remind myself
not to do it again."
Hillary was shocked, but said, "Hmmm, Jennifer,
Paula and Monica. I am very
disappointed and saddened but temptation does happen
and I guess that 3
times is not that bad considering the years." They
hugged and made their
peace.
A little while later Hillary asked Bill, "So why do
you have all that money
in the box?"
Bill answered, "Well, whenever the box filled up
with empty cans, I took
them to the recycling center and redeemed them for
cash."
Why do men snore when they lay on their backs?
Because their balls fall over their assholes and they vapor lock!
Two prostitutes were riding around town with a sign on top of their car
which said, "TWO PROSTITUTES.......$50.00."
A policeman, seeing the sign, stopped them and told
them they'd either have to remove the sign or go to jail.
Just at that time, another car passed with a sign saying,
"JESUS SAVES."
They asked the cop why he let the other car go and he said,"Well, that's a
little different, it pertains to religion."
So the two ladies took their sign down and took off.
The following day found the same cop in the area when he noticed the two
ladies driving around with a large sign on
their car again.
Figuring he had an easy bust, he began to catch up with them when he noticed
the new sign which read...
"TWO ANGELS SEEKING PETER...$50.00."
A young woman in New York was so depressed that she decided to end her
life by throwing herself into the ocean. She went down to the docks and was
about to leap into the frigid water when a handsome young sailor saw her
tottering on the edge of the pier, crying.
He took pity on her and said, "Look, you've got a lot to live for. I'm
off to Europe in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my
ship. I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day." Moving closer,
he slipped his arm round her shoulder and added, "I'll keep you happy, and
you'll keep me happy."
The girl nodded yes. After all, what did she have to lose? Maybe a fresh
start in Europe would give her life new meaning.
That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat. From
then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of
fruit, and they made passionate love until dawn.
Three weeks later, during a routine inspection, she was discovered by the
captain. "What are you doing here?" the captain asked. "I have an
arrangement with one of the sailors," she explained. "I get food and a trip to
Europe, and he's screwing me."
"He sure is, lady," the captain said. "This is the Staten Island Ferry."
