Mission
Impossible (January 16, 2001)
Author:
Laka
Disclaimer:
Don’t ask. *glares through narrowed eyes* Nothing, okay? I own nothing!
Spoilers:
Buffy’s season 4 and five
Rating:
PG-13
Content:
Riley-bashing. Character death. I wonder who…
Author’s
Notes: This is in celebration of Captain Cardboard’s quick depart for the
hills. Translation for scents: Fromage- cheese, toilette-
toilet, la vache- cow, aigre crème- sour cream, la beurre- butter.
Feedback:
Whatever.
I’ll
get this right,
Riley promised himself as he squirted some cheese-scented shampoo into his
hand. By Bessie, I will.
The
last time, Graham had walked in on him. It was ugly. It didn’t exactly make him
self-confident. And his male ego? Like he even had one to begin with. All in
all, Riley just should’ve prayed a little more to Bessie or drank a little more
milk. Then again, he could understand why Graham had started the whole CPR
procedure on him. He was a gay lesbian at heart anyway.
Riley
had been submerged peacefully in the bathtub, holding a timer to his face. His
mission: prove himself just as unbreathy as Angel was----the first step to the
master project: be more competent than Angel. Basically, in non-military lingo,
Riley was trying to hold his breath longer than Angel ever could. That was his
first mission out of a series of eight that would be designated by General
Bessie la Vache. When he completed his “training,” only then would he return to
Buffy and go after Angel. Riley smirked as he scrubbed his face with a
cow-shaped sponge. Then, he let out a strangled cough and sputtered. Eau de la vache. He loved it. It reminded him so much of Iowa.
He
silently thanked Forrest for going to Iowa for him and getting him a little gif
basket filled with neat scents. Eau de fromage…eau de
toilette…eau de aigre crème…Riley loved them all. He was also using the
cheese-scented bar soap that had been included in the package that had a little
Bessie figurine in middle. He was furiously trying to use up all the soap so
that he could have the figurine… it’d look so good with his collection of
plastic cows that he kept in a box under his bed!
Riley
couldn’t wait to complete his first mission and report to his new superior. A
general…something like Chase. He didn’t care. He reached into the bucket where
he kept his beloved bath accessories and reached in for that new bottle of bath
oil. Opening it, Riley took a whiff. He looked at the bottle dreamily. He owed
Forrest. Bath oil. Bath oil la beurre. Butter. He didn’t need that, though.
He’d need bath oil later. Riley dug into the milk bucket. He pulled out a bottle
of bubble bath. Nodding approvingly, he uncorked the bottle and dumped some
into the tub.
“Riley,
man, whaddya doin’ in there?” Forrest hollered.
Riley
dropped the bottle in the steaming water. “I-I-I uh, I’m carrying out a
mission!”
“And
that might be?”
“Rinse, reuse, recycle?" Riley asked weakly. He heard
footsteps fade away. He giggled. Thank you, Bessie!
Riley
turned off the water and dipped a finger into the bubbles. He liked. Blanc
fromage. Cottage cheese. It even had the little pieces of cheese in it. He
re-corked the bottle and got out his timer. Then, he got out his soap and hunk
of cheddar cheese. Riley smacked his lips in anticipation. Slowly, he sank into
the tub.
Once
he was in a sitting position, Riley grabbed his hunk of cheese. Nibbling it and
occasionally ripping pieces out of it, he tried his best to concentrate on
divine thoughts of Bessie. Instead anger, shot up. Riley was angry. Buffy
didn’t want him anymore. She always wanted Angel. And you know what? She
wouldn’t convert! She wouldn’t give up her god for Bessie la Vache! She
wouldn’t do it, even if it was for him. Riley hoped that Bessie would
forgive Buffy. She was just a kid, a calf, just to get technical. Great Bessie
would understand. She always did. Besides, she already had the whole Initiative
and secret government worshipping her. And she was powerful too! She was going
to make him the king of his own cheese factory after he finished his mission.
Bessie also promised that she’d get Riley a cow of his own.
“She
loved him more than me!” Riley whined bitterly. He looked down at his hand. No
cheese. He giggled. Funny me! Still looking for the cheese when I’ve already
eaten it! Riley reached for his bar of soap and promptly stuffed it into
his mouth. He grinded his teeth on it. It made getting the plastic figurine
inside easier. And he enjoyed the taste of glycerin and stuff, so what harm
could it do to Riley?
*****
“So,
Buff, doin’ anything tonight?” Xander asked as he waited for Anya to finish up
in the magic shop.
Buffy
shrugged. “Hang with Tara and Will, I guess.”
“Anya
called me last night. Said something about Riley coming in and buy a cow
figurine,” Xander said casually.
Buffy
turned around and tried to stifle her giggles.
“Any
chance of you two going out again? I mean, he’s back. Isn’t that a plus?”
Buffy
put her hands to her mouth, still trying to muffle the insane sound that was
coming from her mouth.
“Aw,
Buffy,” Xander said sympathetically, stepping closer to her. “It’ll be----”
It
was just too much. Buffy began to laugh uncontrollably.
“What’s
up with the giggle fest? Sad, remember? Riley left. You made big mistake. Now,
Riley back. Buffy fix mistake,” Xander hinted.
“Mistake?
It was a blessing!” Buffy choked out between laughs. “He shouldn’t have come
back! It’s spoiling my happy-fun time!”
Xander
was suddenly very confused. “He went to Central America on a suicide mission,
Buffy. Commandoes that come back are supposed to be a happy thing.”
“My,
God, Xander, where have you been?” Buffy asked, forcing her laughter down.
“To
the Bronze. With Anya. To my home. To work,” Xander said plainly.
“Riley
never went to Central America! Hello? He’s been knocking at my dorm door
forever.”
Xander’s
mouth opened slightly as he digested the info. “What about the helicopter?”
“He
and his homo buddies wanted to take a joy ride,” Buffy said, her eyes
completely serious. “At around four in the morning, the news reported that a
government helicopter crashed into a radio wave tower. Four college students
were found in it, claiming that they were commandos. Riley was interviewed. He
said that it was the will of Bessie la Vache. His commanding officer.”
“La
Vache? Frenchness,” Xander muttered.
“It
means cow,” Buffy said.
Xander
coughed. “Bessie the cow? As in the milk commercial?”
“Yeah.
Then, a week later he came to my dorm. I let him in. He started this really
huge lecture on how I should convert to Vacheism. I think it was a cow he
carried in, but I swear, it looked like Graham. Anyway, I threw him out.
Vacheism? It sounds so 50’s.”
“Ooookay,”
Xander said nodding his slowly. Then, a grin crept up the corners of his mouth.
He made a punching gesture with his fist. “Are you gonna….”
Buffy
grinned. “He just got a special project from General la Vache. Me, Angel,
Willow, Cordy, and Tara conjured up a top-secret folder. Tonight’s mission is
to beat the Sunnydale record.”
“Of
what?”
“Breath-holding.
He’s supposed to prove himself more competent than Angel. It’s really simple.
He’s just going to drown himself.”
Xander
grinned. “I like you plan. What about the papers?”
“General
la Vache instructed him to dispose of it right away. To burn it, actually,”
Buffy said happily.
“How
did Cordelia get into all this?”
“Vision.
She had a vision of Riley. He was…a danger to the PTB.”
“Hey!
Xander!” Anya screeched. “Hi, Buffy.”
Xander
put his arm around Anya. “See ya, Buff!”
*****
Riley
finished grinding his teeth against the soap bar. It sure was yummy. And he
owed it all to Bessie. He looked at the time on his watch.
It
was time.
Riley
got out of the tub and got out his timer. Then, he slipped back in. He strapped
the timer to his face and sank into the depths of the bathtub.
00:01…
00:02…
00:03…
*****
“He
should be gone in, like, 2 more minutes,” Tara said with a cheery smile.
Buffy,
Willow, Angel, and Cordy were crossing their fingers. Wesley and Giles were
praying in the closet.
*****
00:56…
00:57…
00:59…
Riley
willed himself to go on. 5 more minutes, he said silently. So, he began
to think. To reminisce.
Being
dropped as a kid…running Dad over with a tractor…finding his first love,
Clarabelle the calf…trying to catch fish with his bare hands…crying because his
mother had milked the cow…Rolling in the manure with his pigs…making out in a
haystack with Betsy, Clarabelle’s mommy cow…taking his first buttermilk
bath…screaming when he saw beef being served fro Sunday dinner…going to Outback
Steakhouse and screaming in horror…meeting Maggie Walsh…meeting the rest of the
commandos…becoming a gay lesbian at age 14…wearing his first set of commando
fatigues…wanting to be G.I Joe as a kid…meeting Buffy…getting beat up by
Angel…reverting to Vacheism at 12…becoming a walking blood bag for vampire
whores…going against cow maltreatment…trying to sue McDonald’s and Burger King…
He
could remember everything so clearly…
*****
“One
more minute,” Willow called.
*****
Riley
began to see large black and red spots. Oooh, balloons, he thought. Thank
you Bessie.
He
looked at the timer.
0:1:10
Strength,
Bessie! I need strength!
Wait
a minute… a tub…water…breath-holding… Riley stopped.
Eternal
darkness.
*****
Graham
and Forrest pried the door open.
“Oh,
man! RILEY!” Forrest screamed.
Graham
lifted Riley out of the water. “C’mon, man,” he chanted.
“CPR!”
Forrest blurted. “We need to do CPR.”
Silence.
“How?”
Graham pondered.
“Uh…”
Forrest was at a loss. “Damn. Forgot.”
“You
passed maneuvers?” Graham asked.
Forrest
looked up at the ceiling. “The Smack of Life!” He snapped his fingers. “Yup,
smack him.”
“I
smack Riley?” Graham asked. “It’s guaranteed that he’ll wake up?”
Forrest
nodded. He slapped Riley. His friend’s head snapped to the side limply.
“I
don’t think it’s working,,” Graham pointed out. “It’s just making his face
bluer.”
“I
dunno. Listen, let’s just call the General.” Forrest walked out of the
bathroom.
Graham
sighed. “Bye Riley,” he said to the corpse.
*****
Epilogue
Riley
was buried in the Restfield Cemetary. Eventuallly, he rose a zombie follower of
Bessie la Vache and ended up as a pile of dismembered parts, courtesty of
Spike. So, Graham and Forrest had Riley cremated. They also gave Riley a cow
statue for a gravestone.
Riley Finn
1980- 2001
Protector of Cows.
They all moo in sorrow.
That’s
pretty much what the gravestone said. Other than that, they just tossed his urn
into the ground, buried it, and left.
Graham
and Forrest started a cheese factory in Riley’s name. Riley Cheese, Inc.
The
End.