When the Getting's Good...Slug Him! (Spring 2000)
Author: Laka
Disclaimer: I don't own any characters. If I did, things would by *way* different. Go ahead. Sue me. All you'll get is a couple gum wrappers, a bunch of unsharpened pencils, and that fluffy stuff from the inside of my pocket.
Rating: PG-13 to R Warning: Strenuous Riley-bashing
Content: Violence. Death. Shovels. Suggestive talk from Riley.
Spoilers: Pretty much Alternate Universe, though a little bit of Angel (1) and Buffy (4) thrown in.
Author's Notes: This is the point of no return. If you are a huge Riley fan, go no further and hit the back button of your browser. Flame me if you want, I'll just flame you back. This takes place in the ninth season of Buffy. Riley and Angel have engaged in combat quite a few times…
Dedication: This is for my off-line Riley-Hating Campaign of which there are three members, maybe more. You guys go!
"Maybe I should just say that it's over," Buffy murmured as she watched Angel and Riley engaged in punching out each other. "This is getting old."
"Yeah," Willow replied glumly as she blew a bubble with her gum and popped it. "Wanna bet that Riley's gonna win?"
"I'll bet on Angel."
"I'm so surprised," Willow said without expression, chewing her gum and popping it at the exact moment Riley's head was bashed into the wall. "Good thing Tara and Oz never got into these fights."
"It would've been more interesting, believe me," Buffy huffed, ducking a lamp that crashed into the wall. Then, she scrambled between the two men and grabbed her weapons bag. "'Scuse me, guys," she grunted as she avoided being trampled by Angel.
"Y'know, if you compare Riley to Angel...he's pretty much a bum," Willow said, raising an eyebrow as Riley shielded himself with one of Buffy's boxer shorts. Willow snickered, "He's got your pants, Buff."
"I know!" Buffy moaned as she crawled under the bed they were hiding behind. "He---Riley gets all----what's the word? Whiny! He gets all whiny."
"But..." Willow said coyly.
"I heard that!" Riley whimpered. Both girls winced as Angel picked him up and threw him into Willow's bed. Riley landed with a sickly crack.
Buffy continued, "Angel has this...flair. He vamps out and gets what he wants. And he doesn't get all scrunched up, looking like a rotten tuna sandwich."
"My point is made," Willow said, offering her a piece of gum. "I'm getting the sense that this'll last a long time."
Angel threw Riley into the public restrooms, head first into the nearest toilet. Riley was silent as he worked at removing himself from his imprisonment. Angel stood there for a moment. "Outta there yet, Finn?"
Riley swayed back and forth as he struggled to get up, but was shocked to find that Angel had charged him and threw him into the room again. A window shattered and Buffy and Willow decided to sit on the bed.
Riley picked up a huge shard of glass and whined, "That wasn't fair! I wanted Bessie, but no, you took her away from me. Now you'll pay." His hair looked like a drowned rat. Now that Buffy thought of it, he was scary.
"Bessie?" Angel asked skeptically. "The cow?"
"Oh, god!" Buffy groaned, slapping her forehead. Willow sighed dramatically.
"Yes, Bessie! I milked her every day, before Ma and Pa. I took her to the pasture every afternoon and fed her her own un-pasteurized milk for dinner! I gave her everything!" Riley's face got scrunched up again as he smirked and looked down at the huge glass shard.
Angel looked questioningly at Buffy. <You dated him?> Buffy put a hand over her eyes.
"I even slept with her in the barn!" Riley sobbed tearfully. He stared at the shard of glass.
"That's it, get the shovel," Buffy snapped flatly, "And make it snappy."
"Finally! Something I want to do!" Willow sang happily as she went over to her closet. "I was planning to hand a knife to Angel but…" She retrieved the shovel and grinned. "I've always had negative thoughts about cuts and gashes. A nice, life threatening concussion should do it."
"That's the spirit!" Buffy said lamely. "This is what, the eighth fight between them in our dorm?"
"Here's the shovel from Giles's garage. I figured we might need it," Willow said, handing it to Buffy.
Riley dropped the glass shard when he saw Willow coming at him with a shovel. "W-w-w-willow! H-how's calculus?"
"Just fine." Willow slapped the handle of the shovel against her hand threateningly. "I though we were clear on things."
"W-w-we are," Riley said, gulping. He turned to Buffy. "Buffy! T-t-tell her that you're h-h-happy!"
"Happy? That's an overstatement!" Buffy leaned on her shovel. "Sure, happy. Right after you did that fling with Faith!"
"W-w-w-hat? N-n-no!"
"I'm sorry, Riley, but you're gonna have to go poof now," Willow said patiently, as if she were talking to a child.
"Y-y-y-es! I-I-I mean no!" Riley screamed when he saw Angel with a shovel as well.
"We'll start out slow, I promise," Willow said. "You won't feel a thing."
"I won't?" Riley asked childishly.
"Let's just get it over with," Angel suggested, smirking at Riley.
"Bye, Riley," Buffy said sweetly. She waved at him with her shovel.
"Now, stand still, Riley, give me a good view…" Willow instructed, raising the shovel over her head.
Doyle and Spike scurried in after meeting in the cemetery and took a seat on Buffy's bed. "We're just here for the leftovers," Spike said, rubbing his hands together when Buffy shook her head slightly at them.
"I'm just here to see Fish Boy go bye," Doyle said. Buffy nodded.
"Riley! Stay still!" Willow barked. Riley froze. "Good boy!" Then, she smacked the shovel on his rear.
Angel raised his shovel and gave him a good wallop. Spike and Doyle cheered as Willow, Buffy, and Angel slugged Riley with their shovels mercilessly. Buffy bashed him behind the head with her shovel, sending Riley into a dark oblivion, his last thought of Bessie. Willow pounded him endlessly, not stopping to breathe.
Buffy dropped her shovel and turned to Angel. "I think she can handle it herself." Spike and Doyle took Buffy and Angel's place, each taking turns at pulverizing Riley.
"Yeah," Angel agreed, nodding. He gave Doyle a thumbs-up signal and he and Buffy strolled out of the dorm, leaving in their wake sounds of metal against corpse and a very, very joyful Willow.
And Riley was reunited with Bessie in the land down below.
The End