Wildest
Times (Summer 2000)
Author:
Laka
Disclaimer:
I own naught. Thou shalt hail Whedon and Greenwalt.
Rating:
PG-13
Content:
Riley Bashing and AU
Spoilers
: Pretty much the whole show(s).
Couples: B/A, X/A(nya), R/B(essie)
Teaser:
The convenient death of Riley Finn.
Author's
Notes: This is a new release. I hate Riley, period. No ifs or buts. Kill!
Crush! Destroy! Yes! And, uhm, Xander *isn’t* Willow’s husband
Feedback:
Oooh, pretty please, with a de-veined Riley on top!
On
a dark gloomy Tuesday...
Riley
smiled proudly at his new sandbox. He loved the sand. It made his fingers all
tingly. If only Bessie could see him now. He'd gotten his first sandbox at the
Home Depot for the clearance price of 67.99, 72.75 plus tax. Riley even framed
the receipt. He couldn't wait to show it to Buffy and her friends. Now Buffy
could really compare him to Angel. Riley smirked. There was no way that Angel
had a Fisher-Price sandbox that was four inches deep and had a sixteen-foot
area. All Riley had to do now, was to fill it with sand. He scratched his head.
How was he gonna do that?
*****
"So,
Buffy, is Riley taking you out?" Willow asked as she picked out a fluffy
white cardigan and looked it over.
Buffy
handed her a light blue halter-top. "He said he was taking me to the
beach. And said something about a back yard. I wasn't listening." She shrugged.
"It's kind of a no-go thing. There's supposed to be some thunder storms
this afternoon."
"Still
angry at Xander?"
Buffy
snorted. "He had a point. Riley is the embodiment of an
Environment-Protector. The Superman of the anti-maltreatment of cows!"
Willow watched in amazement as Buffy dissed her boyfriend.
"And,
I conclude that he really is a lesbian. We'll take a commercial break,
now." Buffy imitated a TV spokesman.
Willow
looked at Buffy worriedly and felt her friend's forehead. "Are you okay?"
"Why
wouldn't I be?" Buffy asked in a less-than happy voice. She looked down at
the floor. "Look how low I've sunk." Willow watched as her friend
looked down at herself.
Then,
Willow pushed her friend's chin up. "And?"
Buffy
bit her lip and forced a tear out of her eye. "I still miss Angel,"
she said quietly. When Willow rolled her eyes, Buffy began to pout.
"Not
budging," Willow said firmly. "I have resolve face." Buffy
looked up at her, beseechingly, with huge, innocent eyes. Just like a Precious
Moment figure. "Sorry, Buffy."
Then,
Buffy burst into tears.
Willow
couldn't stand it. Here they were, in the middle of a department store, and
Buffy not only gets all angsty, but she cries. That meant Willow would cry too.
"Oh,
okay. C'mon, let's go grab ice cream," Willow said, sighing, stopping it
all before she too would begin thing of Oz. Buffy began to smile through her
tears.
"But
you're going to that date, rain or not."
Buffy shivered. A beach, in a backyard. She wondered if this plan would
really work.
*****
Riley
huffed and puffed as he dragged the last bag of sand to the sandbox, which he
had placed in yard of the house he'd rented. Riley plopped down beside the bag.
The afternoon sun shone mercilessly, making Riley sweat like a pig. <Bessie,
give me strength.> He wiped his forehead with his arm and looked at the bag
of sand behind him. Farm Boy got up and poured it into the sand box and slumped
forwards, in a dead faint.
*****
"I
don't wanna go!" Buffy whined. "I don't wanna go!" She ducked
Willow and ran into the bathroom, where the redhead finally cornered her.
Willow
rolled her eyes and yanked a cute red dress over Buffy's head. "You're
acting like a kid."
"What?
Being a Slayer means I can't be immature?" Buffy asked defensively. She
curled her lips up in a pout. Buffy smoothed the dress over her swimsuit.
"That
doesn't work on me, remember?" Willow said patiently. "It may work on
Giles, Spike, or Angel, but it doesn't work on me." The redhead pushed her
friend into a seat.
Buffy
slumped down in her seat. "I liked sparring with Giles. I liked verbally
sparring with Spike. I liked sparring with Angel. But verbally sparring with
you is useless."
"I
know. I developed a resistance." Willow brushed Buffy's long shiny hair and
began to braid it.
"I
still don't wanna go," Buffy said firmly.
Willow
stayed silent.
"Turn
me into a rat, anything!" Buffy begged, looking helplessly at Amy, who
waved enthusiastically with her front paws. "See? Even she agrees with
me!"
Willow
glared at Amy. The rat stopped squeaking. "Amy just got on a new feed.
That's why she's so chipper."
"Chocolate?"
Buffy asked sweetly. "There's a box in one of my drawers..."
*****
"Bessie...I
want you...forever..." Riley mumbled incoherently in his sleep. Suddenly,
a fat raindrop splashed against his forehead. He looked up and began to sob. It
was gonna rain and his sandbox was going to get ruined! The pain and the agony
of it made Riley sob even harder as he stumbled into his house.
"Nooooo!"
Riley screamed, pulling at his hair. "Noooo!" Fish Boy fell to his
knees. Then, he stopped. Water plus sand equaled...beach, right? Grinning his
totally lame grin, Riley flounced to the phone and took out the phone book he'd
swiped from Buffy's room. He was going call that Angel person. Let him see what
Finns were really made of. No one could beat him now. Riley had a portable
beach!
*****
"Angel,"
Cordelia said tiredly, "you have an appointment with a client from
Sunnydale at noon."
When
there wasn't any response, Cordy raised her voice to the max. "Angel!
There's some whacked out dude from Sunnydale with a problem! I think it's about
a sandbox haunting his backyard!" Just about when she was ready to scream
again, she heard a thump from downstairs and nodded in satisfaction.
Angel
stumbled up the stairs and tripped on the last step. "What?"
Cordelia
smirked. "There's a sandbox haunting a backyard in Sunnydale. Here's the
address." She handed him a piece of paper.
Angel
glared at her and took the piece of paper. "I think I'll need you to help.
Pack a bucket of holy water in the car. I'm gonna make some phone calls."
"Hey!
No fair!" Cordelia whined as Wesley dragged her out of the building.
"You owe me a ten percent raise!"
Angel
shrugged and picked up the phone.
*****
Riley
hopped around his house like a bunny on a sugar binge. He made weird clucking
noises as he waited for the clock to strike twelve and turned to the large
figurine of Bessie. Riley dropped to his knees and began leaning over to kiss
the ground his goddess was standing on, which tasted a lot like polyester rug.
Coughing
out the little bits of rug that had gotten stuck between his teeth and on this
mouth, Riley giggled and kissed the cow figurine. He could've sworn that it had
mooed back in reply, but he giggled it off and skipped into the kitchen to have
some pickles and peanut butter.
*****
"Riley,"
Buffy confirmed flatly as she opened the dorm door to reveal Riley, whose mouth
was smeared with peanut butter and bits of dill pickles. "Peanut
butter?"
Riley
hiccupped and chortled, "Finn delicacy. Momma used to fry them in pig
lard. I'll make you some when we get home." He belched. Buffy backed away
and shut the door.
"Willow!"
Buffy shouted. "You're coming with us! Xander! Anya! Giles! Spike!
Everyone!"
"What?"
Willow asked, drying her hair with a towel. Buffy seized her arm and dragged
her out of the building with a tug.
"Oh,
crap!" Buffy stopped just outside of the campus and groaned. "Oh god.
No."
Riley
was settled comfortably in the driver's part of the go-cart. He motioned
enthusiastically to the back of go-cart, which was stuffed full of hay. Two
terribly scrawny cows were attempting to pull the go-cart at Riley's command.
"Uh,
Buffy?" Willow squeaked out.
Buffy
didn't answer. Instead, she grabbed Willow again and hid out of Riley's view.
"So this is why you wanted me to date Riley? For a dorky go-cart
ride?" Buffy whispered harshly.
"Buffy,"
Willow squeaked again.
"Angel
would've had an ice cream pig out instead of a freakshow! He *likes* ice cream.
He doesn't *care* about cow maltreatment!" Buffy whispered angrily.
"Uh,"
Willow said helplessly. Then, she brightened. "We'll call Cordelia! She'll
scare him off," the Wicca suggested.
They
heard a loud noise and turned to where Riley was. Both girls winced and walked
over to Riley.
"I
can explain," Riley replied drunkenly.
"This
better be a good one, Riley," Buffy said menacingly. She climbed into the
back on the go-cart and sulked as they made an awfully long journey to Riley's
'beach'.
*****
"I
can't believe you made us do this," Xander groaned as they hit another
pothole on the expressway.
"Heehaw!"
Riley whooped as they were nearly run over by a Mack truck. "Ain't this
fun, Buffy?" Iowa Boy drawled. "Heehaw!"
"Buffy,
this is extremely hazardous to my health," Giles gasped as he emptied out
his stomach contents over the side of the go-cart. "I believe that I'll be
coughing up my stomach sooner or later."
"Hey!
I wasn't the one who wanted a go-cart ride!" Buffy shot back. She jerked
her thumb towards Willow.
Everyone
glared at the redhead.
"You,
Red? Why? Why the bloody heck did you start all this? God, marry the man and
get with it!" Spike keened, coming at the girl.
Willow
flushed and huffed out, "I was going through a phase."
"What,
PMS?" Anya snorted as she grabbed onto Xander to avoid falling over the
side of the go-cart.
Then,
Riley giggled. "Let's sing a song!"
The
Scooby Gang groaned.
The
scrawny cows mooed.
Giles
threw up.
"Quit
throwin' up, Watcher!" Spike bellowed. Then, he smirked. "I think
that was your bloody stomach!"
"Oh,
yes, quite so," Giles replied, throwing his head over the side again.
"I think my spleen's next."
"Y'know,
I really should get in contact with the Demon of Scorned Men," Anya said
casually. Then, she glared daggers at Willow.
The
redhead squared her shoulders. "Riley won't last, I'll tell you
that," Willow said firmly.
*****
"Are
you sure this is the right place?" Angel asked as he pulled up to the
third house on the right, the one with several cow figurines on the front yard.
"Yup,
this is it. Now, let's hurry up. I have an audition at four," Cordelia
said cheerily. "It's just an exorcism, right?"
"Sure,"
Angel muttered under his breath.
"Come
on!" Cordelia yanked Angel across the driveway and into the backyard.
*****
"Love
ya," Riley slurred as he stopped the go-cart at his place. "Whaddaya
think, Buffy? Better than Angel's, huh? More manly?" Riley hiccupped.
Buffy
remained silent. <Great. Wonderful. Swell.> She stared at the horribly
run-down house. The roof was caving in and the fence looked like it'd been
beaten up by...something. Weeds and trees overran the yard. Chickens and pigs
were rampaging the yard, making it look like a madhouse.
Then
she saw them.
*****
Cordelia
groaned in distaste when she saw the pigs and chickens running after each
other. She looked to Wesley, who looked like he was about to pass out from the
smell.
"Angel?
Can we go home now?" Cordy asked, looking meekly at her boss.
Angel
shrugged and turned around.
"Hey,
it's Buffy," Cordy said, frowning. "Why's she here?"
When
Cordy looked closer, she smiled. "Hey, it's Riley! Beat him up,
Angel!" She grinned at Angel, who raised his eyebrows.
"C'mon,
Batman versus G.I Joe. It's a given!"
"Yes,
I certainly agree," Wesley added, "remove that thick-headed bloke's
spleen and have it over with."
When
Willow came bounding over to them, Cordelia waved her over with a smile.
"Hey!
Angel!" Willow's smile disappeared. "Angel. Riley. Oh," the
redhead concluded.
"You
took a go-cart ride?" Cordelia asked when she saw Giles hurry off the cart
just in time to throw up in the bushes near the mailbox.
"My
fault," Willow said with a sheepish grin. "I thought he'd be good for
Buffy."
Angel
raised an eyebrow. Cordelia sighed and rolled her eyes. Wesley groaned.
"Sorry,"
Willow whispered. "I was getting over Oz." Then, she patted Angel's
arm. "Another victim of Willow Weepiness. You're still sane. A real trooper."
Angel
just shrugged.
*****
"This
is..." Riley said, pausing dramatically, "my sandbox!" Riley
squealed, taking off the cloth that covered his treasure.
"Angel
has a much bigger one," Cordelia said rolling her eyes.
Willow
smiled and chimed in, "Yeah. He has the beach. The Santa Monica
beach."
Riley's
eyes widened, and he turned to Buffy.
"Mmmhmm,"
she murmured, leaning against Angel.
Then,
Spike smirked. "Bet ya can't dive in yours matey."
"Yes
I can!" Riley said, puffing out his chest and striding over to his
sandbox. He removed his shirt. Cordelia let out a gasp.
"Oh
my god, you're in an affair with a porcelain cow?" she screeched in
disgust. She stared at the large, heart-shaped tattoo that read: Bessie and
Riley 4-eva. It even had small cow heads floating around.
"Yes,
I am. And real proud 'da it too," Riley said pouting. "She gives me
good luck when I play with Pokemon cards and say the ABC."
"What
are you?" Wesley asked in horror.
Riley
grinned. "I'm a Finn. And I'm in the army. My da was a janitor and my ma
is a cow."
"Aw,
too bad. Thought your ma was some sort 'o genetic mutation," Spike said.
"I
accidentally ran over Pa with my tractor, but he's okay 'cause he's dead,"
Riley continued happily. Then, when he looked at Buffy for approval, he let out
a sob. She was busy laughing along with Angel, who had an arm protectively
wrapped around her waist.
"But
now it's my turn to go to go join the other cows," Riley said
pathetically. "No one loves me."
"Oh,
you've got that right, Fish Boy!" Buffy said smirking.
Then,
Riley dived into the sandbox.
For
a moment, his legs dangled in the air. Then, they became rigid and limp.
"Whoohoo!"
Willow hooted. "He's dead! Oh, yeah! He's DEAD!" She hugged Spike,
Giles, Xander, and Wesley. When she came to Angel, she jumped up and down.
"I
did it! He's dead!" Then, she grabbed Cordy's shoulders and they both
cheered.
Buffy
hugged Willow and said, "I told you that a sandbox would work. See?"
She pointed to the bottom half of Riley's corpse.
"Told
you that he'd buy the fact that he had a portable beach!" Spike said; his
arms crossed.
Then,
a loud, mournful moo came from inside the house. The Scooby Gang turned and let
out big bouts of laughter. Bessie, the cow ran out to Riley's dead body and
mooed in sorrow.
"So
whadda we do now?" Xander asked.
Spike
smirked. "I say we have a little fun with our dead Riley. You can go get
some fresh hamburger."
"Get
the shovels!" Willow called to Anya, who complied and gave everyone a shovel.
Wesley, however brought his rake.
"Well,
what're we waiting for?" Wesley asked, hefting his rake.
And
so, the Scooby Gang literally bashed the Riley corpse.
*****
Four
hours later...
"Willow,
Angel and I are going," Buffy said, placing both their shovels against the
chain link fence.
Willow
looked up from her piece of Riley and waved them off with a large grin.
Buffy
turned back to Angel. "Y'know, that thing about forgetting? Let's
not," she said with a sheepish smile.
"Wanna try again?"
Angel
smiled at that. Then, they left for a very interesting couple of days.
*****
"Hey,
I want his head!" Willow whined, glaring at Spike.
"Sorry,
Red, I hacked it off first, now give me back his bloody ear!" Spike
growled.
"I
thought you didn't like him!"
"Are
you a bloody imbecile? I want Fish Boy's bloody head on my wall. That's what
happens when they mess with my sire's Blondie."
Willow
raised her eyebrows.
"Oh,
for the love of Satan, just give me the bloke's bloody head!"
Willow
pouted and kicked Riley's head over to Spike.
"And
the ear, Red. Come on, now," Spike said impatiently.
"Fine,"
Willow said, tossing it to him. "But I want the heart and spleen."
"Bloody
fine with me," Spike said, carrying the head in one arm and the ear in the
other. He couldn't wait to get this on the wall of his crypt.
*****
Epilogue
"Those
were the wildest times," Willow said to the college student in front of
her. She shifted in her wheelchair with
and smiled. "That party rocked."
"What
happened to Buffy and Angel?" the raven-haired student asked.
Willow
chuckled. "Well, they got back together."
"Did
they have any kids?"
"No,"
the elderly woman said softly. "Buffy couldn't. She died five or six years
after, but she was happy. Slayers don't live long."
The
raven-haired girl smiled. "That's what Grandpa Xander said."
"I
knew you looked kinda like him," Willow replied with a small smile.
"Is
Angel still around?"
"Just
barely, but yes, he is."
"Would
he talk to me?"
"No,
Angel doesn't like to be reminded about the past. Or about Buffy's death."
Willow reached into her purse and brought out a portrait of the Scooby Gang.
With a shaky finger, she pointed to the bright, young woman in the center.
"Buffy,
right?"
"Yup.
The guy with his hands on her shoulders is Angel."
"The
guy was a hottie!"
"Yeah.
She was one lucky Slayer."
"Do
you have a picture of Riley?"
Willow
reached into her purse again and brought out a picture of Riley. "He had a
scary smile. Made him look like gorilla."
"Angel
is definitely hotter."
Willow
laughed and shook her head. "They were in competition for quite a while.
We ended that abruptly, though."
"Thanks,
Grandma," the girl said, closing her notebook.
"Willow?
It's time for dinner," a nurse said, coming in. She began to wheel her
out.
"Come
back soon, Kayley. There's more," Willow said, her green eyes sparkling.
"Don't
worry, Grandma. Next time, I'll be asking about that time every woman in
Sunnydale lusted after Grandpa Xander."
The
dark-haired girl waved goodbye and left the nursing home, smiling. Now this was
gonna be a great screenplay.
The
End