BUMPER STICKER FAVORITES
Don't look now - your humor's showing
By Steven Rosen, Denver Post Arts Writer

Talk about a driving obsession!
In the June 18 Pulse column in WEEKEND!, we invited you to tell us
your favorite or most interesting bumper stickers.  (Good luck Jean
Thompson of Denver trying to sell "God Created a Beautiful World -
Don't Make It Ugly.)  With so many responses, trends emerged. The
three I spotted were these:

O People like bumper stickers that make fun of the cosmic-
consciousness nature of New Age philosophy. A good dozen callers said
their favorite sticker was "Visualize Whirled Peas," which is a parody
of those "Visualize World Peace" stickers you see in hippie outposts
where people only drive cars when not engaged in astral projection.
Others liked a sticker that says "Visualize...Using Your Turn Signal,"
which serves the same general purpose.

* There are drivers out there who disagree with gay rights. [Remember,
this IS from Colorado!] A half-dozen callers enjoyed "God Created Adam
and Eve, not Adam and Steve."

* Republicans hate President Bill Clinton and Democrats hate
Republicans. Among the numerous favorite bumper stickers that
underscore that point:

Impeach the Clintons
Friends don't Let Friends Vote Republican
Bill Clinton Doesn't Inhale - He Sucks.
Vote Republican - You A-- Holes Deserve It
First Hillary, then Gennifer, Now Us.
Vote Republican - Its Easier Than Thinking
[Plus my favorite - "Picard and Riker '92"]

* Here are some others that we have room, or the good
taste, to print:
Eat Well, Stay Fit, Die Anyway.
No Matter Where You Go, There You Are.
My Child Can Beat Up Your Honor Student.
Don't Laugh - Your Daughter Might Be In Here. (On Old Truck)
Cats Flattened While You Watch.
I May Be Fat but You're Ugly - and I Can Lose Weight.
Stamp Out Crime - Abolish the IRS
Dare to keep the CIA off Drugs.
Just say no to sexist Pro-Lifers.
My Other Car is a Broom.
"Happiness is your Mother-In-Law's
Picture on the Back of a Milk Carton"
Quit Sniveling.
Stupid People Shouldn't Breed.
Kissing a Smoker is like Licking an Ashtray
"It will be a great day when our schools get
all the money they need and the air force
has to hold a bake sale to buy a bomber."
Not All Men are Fools. Some are Bachelors.
Happiness is Coming.
Have You Flogged Your Crew Today?
Husbands Are Proof That Women Have a Sense of Humor.
Forget the Whales, Save the Cowboy.
Eat American Lamb. Ten Million Coyotes Can't be Wrong.
"If You Call Some Animals Pets, How Can
You Call Other Animals Dinner?"
I'm From the Government. I'm Here to Help You.
Blood Sun Earth
Old Skiers Never Die. They Just go Downhill.
Nuke Gay Whales for Jesus.
Money Isn't Everything, But it Sure Keeps the Kids In Touch.
Disarm Rapists
Commit Random Kindness and Senseless Acts of Beauty
Happiness is the Ball in the Fairway.
Have You Hugged Your Stockbroker Today?
Avoid The Rush - Hate Texas Early
[Coloradans have an inborn hate for Texans...]
My Karma just ran over your Dogma.
My Mother was a Travel Agent for Guilt Trips
Hug Your Kids at Home and Belt Them in the Car.
[Seatbelts, guys...]
I brake for Hallucinations.
Flag Worship is Idolatry.
Illiterate? Call This Number for Help...
Welcome to Colorado - Now Go Home
If You Love Jesus Tithe - Any Fool Can Honk
I'm OK. You're So-So.
Will Rogers Never Met Howard Cosell.
Smile - Its The Second Best Thing you can do with Your Lips.
"Telling an Old Person He's Useless
Is Abortion on the Other End"
Scixelsyd Etinu. [Read Backwards]
Use Caution in Passing - Driver Chewing Tobacco
If Men Could Have Abortions, It Would Be a Sacrament
Jesus Saves...String.
Will Work for Sex
Ask First If The Animal Wants To Be Killed
Your Mother's Choice was Pro-Life. [Waah...]
Don't Honk - I'm Pedaling as Fast as I Can
If You Can Read This Bumper Sticker, You're In Range
This Vehicle Swerves and Hits Pedestrians at Random
Black Holes Suck.

SORRY FOR THE REPEATS


Actual Bumper Stickers

We are Microsoft. Resistance Is Futile. You Will Be Assimilated.
Jesus is coming, everyone look busy.
A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
Horn broken, watch for finger.
All men are idiots ... I married their king.
The more you complain, the longer God lets you live.
My kid had sex with your honor student.
If at first you do succeed, try not to look astonished.
Help wanted Telepath: you know where to apply
IRS: We've got what it takes to take what you've got.
Jesus loves you ... everyone else thinks you're an asshole.
I'm just driving this way to piss you off.
Jesus paid for our sins ... now lets get our money's worth.
Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs.
I love cats ... they taste just like chicken
Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
Keep honking, I'm reloading.
Hang up and drive.
Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot.
I don't have to be dead to donate my organ.
I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather ... Not
screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
Lord save me from your followers.
Guns don't kill people, postal workers do.
Ask me about microwaving cats for fun and profit.
I said "no" to drugs, but they just wouldn't listen.
Cats ... the other white meat.
The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
Your kid may be an honor student but you're still an IDIOT!
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
It IS as BAD as you think, and they ARE out to get you.
When you do a good deed, get a receipt, in case heaven is like the IRS.
Friends don't let Friends drive Naked.
If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?
Forget about World Peace.....Visualize Using Your Turn Signal!
 (remember visualize whirled peas)?
Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.
he/she who laughs last thinks slowest
Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.
Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes.
Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy.
Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.
Be nice to your kids. They'll be choosing your nursing home.
Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!' ... till you can find a rock.
I like you, but I wouldn't want to see you working with subatomic particles.
Sex on television can't hurt you unless you fall off.
You would drive better with that cell phone up your ass.
>


And Finally, "Help Stamp Out Bumper Stickers."