*I GET NO RESPECT*


"Good crowd...good crowd.  I'm telling you I could use a
good  crowd. I'm ok now  but last week I was in rough
shape... Why?  I looked up my family tree and found out I
was the sap."


"I come from a stupid family.  During the Civil War my great
Uncle fought for the west!"


"My father was stupid.  He worked in a bank and they caught
him stealing pens."


"When I was born..the doctor came out to the waiting room
and said to my father...I'm very sorry.  We did everything
we could...but he pulled through."


"My mother had morning sickness after I was born."


"My mother never breast fed me.  She told me that she only
liked me as a friend."


"My father carries around the picture of the kid who came
with his wallet."


"When I played in the sandbox the cat kept covering me up."


"I could tell that my parents hated me.  My bath toys were a
toaster and a radio."


"Some dog I got too.  We call him Egypt because he leaves a
pyramid in every room."


"What a dog I got.  His favorite bone is in my arm!"


"I worked in a pet store and people kept asking how big I'd
get."


"One year they wanted to make me poster boy.. for birth
control."


"I remember the time I was kidnaped and they sent back a
piece of my finger to my father.  He said he wanted more
proof"


"My uncle's dying wish was to have me sitting on his lap.
He was in the electric chair."


"I went to a freak show and they let me in for nothing."


"I stuck my head out the window and got arrested for
mooning"


"Once when I was lost.. I saw a policeman and asked him to
help me find my parents.  I said to him...Do you think  we'll
ever find them.?  He said..I don't know kid.. there are so
many places they can hide."


"I remember I was so depressed I was going to jump out a
window on the tenth floor... so they sent a priest up to
talk to me.  He said.. On your mark..."


"On Halloween..the parents send their kids out looking like
me. Last year.. one kid tried to rip my face off!  Now it's
different.. when I answer the door the kids hand me candy."


"When my old man wanted sex... my mother would show him a
picture of me."


"I had a lot of pimples too.  One day I fell asleep in a
library.  I woke up and a blind man was reading my face."


"My wife made me join a bridge club.  I jump off next
Tuesday"


"One time I went to a hotel.  I asked the bellhop to handle
my bag.  He felt up my wife!"


"It's tough to stay married.  My wife kisses the dog on the
lips..yet she won't drink from my glass!"


"Last week my tie caught on fire.  Some guy tried to put it
out with an ax!"


"For two hours...some guy followed me around with a pooper
scooper."


"I met the surgeon general.  He offered me a cigarette!"


"This morning when I put on my under wear I could hear the
Fruit of the Loom guys laughing at me."


"A travel agent offered me a 21 day special.  He told me I
would fly from New York to London.  Then from Tokyo back to
New York. I asked him...how am I supposed to get from London
to Tokyo?...He told me..That is why we give you  21 days.


"Another travel agent told me I could spend 7 nights in
Hawaii...No days..just nights."


"My problem is that I appeal to everyone that can do me
absolutely no good."


"They say...Love thy neighbor as thy self... What am I
supposed to do? jerk him off too?"


"At Christmas time I sat on Santa's lap.  His fly was open.
Boy...what a present he gave me!"


"My sex life is terrible.  My wife put a mirror over the
dog's bed...Actually she did put the mirror over our bed.
She says she likes to watch herself laugh."


"I'm a bad lover.  Once I caught a peeping tom booing me."


"My wife only has sex with me for a purpose.  Last night she
used me to time an egg".


"My wife isn't very bright.  The other day she was at the
store and just as she  was heading for our car, someone
stole it!  I said...did you see the guy that did it?  She
said ... No, but I got the license plate."


"I asked my wife if she would put out the garbage.  She
said...Why should I... you never put out for me."


"I asked her if she enjoys a cigarette after sex.  She
said...No, one drag is enough."


"I got myself good this morning too.  I did my push ups in
the nude...but I didn't see the mouse trap."


"A girl phoned me and said...Come on over there's nobody
home.  I went over... Nobody was home!"


"A hooker once told me she had a headache."


"I went to a massage parlor.  It was self service."


"My only thrill is self inflicted... hickies."


"If it weren't for pick-pocketers I'd have no sex life at
all."


"I was making love to this girl and she started crying.  I
said... Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?  She
said.. No..I hate myself now."


"My girlfriend was no bargain either.  She used to braid her
armpits."


"I had a girlfriend that was so fat her belly button made an
echo."


"I had a girlfriend that was so fat she had her own postal
code."


"I had a girlfriend that was so fat she wore a CROSS YOUR
THIGHS bra."


"I had a girlfriend that was so fat she had a dress with a
sign on the back saying...Caution Wide Load."


"My girlfriend was so fat her clothes were made by Omar the
tent maker"


"I knew a girl that was so fat that when guys had sex with
her they had to ask for directions."


"One day I ran into my girlfriend with my car.  She asked me
why I didn't ride around her.  I told her that I didn't
think I had enough gas"


"I had a girlfriend that was so fat her bikini was made out
of two bed sheets."


"I knew a girl that was so ugly that... her mother ripped
in two when she had her."


"I knew a girl that was so ugly that... She uses a septic
tank for a toilet."


"I knew a girl that was so ugly that... She was known as a
two bagger.  That's when a girl is so ugly that you put a
bag over your head in case the bag over her head breaks"


"I knew a girl that was so ugly that... I bent down to pet
her cat only to find that it was the hair on her legs."


"I knew a girl that was so ugly that... I took her to a dog
show and she won first prize."


"I knew a girl that was so ugly that... They use her in
prisons to cure sex offenders."


"I knew a girl that was so ugly that... I took her to the
top of the Empire State building and planes started to
attack her."


"I knew a girl that was so ugly that... She looks like she
came in second in a hatchet fight!"


"I knew a girl that was so ugly that... The last time I saw
a mouth like hers it had a hook on the end of it."


I knew a girl that was so ugly that... She has a face like
a saint--A saint bernard!"


"I was tired one night and I went to the bar to have a few
drinks. The bartender asked me... What'll you have?  I
said...surprise me.  He showed me a naked picture of my
wife."


"During sex my wife always wants to talk to me.  Just the
other night she called me from a hotel."


"My marriage is on the rocks again.  Yeah..my wife just
broke up with her boyfriend."


"One day...as I came home early from work...I saw a guy
jogging naked.  I said to the guy...Hey buddy...why are
you doing that for?  He said..Because you came home  early."


"I went to look for a used car.  I found my wife's dress in
the back seat!"


"Once in a restaurant I made a toast to her...The best woman
a man ever had....  The waiter joined me."


"It's been a rough day.  I got up this morning...put on a
shirt and a button fell off.  I picked up my briefcase and
the handle came off.  I'm afraid to go to the bathroom!"


"I had a problem.  I tried group sex. Now I have a new
problem...I don't know who to thank!"


"My friends and I played a new version of Russian roulette.
We passed around six girls and one of them had VD."


"I went to see my doctor... Doctor Vidi-boom-ba.  Yeah...I
told him once...  Doctor...every morning when I get up and
look in the mirror..I feel like throwing up; what's wrong
with me?  He said..I don't know but your eyesight is
perfect"


"I remember when I swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. My
doctor told me to    have a few drinks and get some rest."


"I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow.  He told me to
wear a brown necktie."


"My dentist found a new way to cover up his bad breath...he
holds up his arms"


"My dentist has bad breath......Why every time he smokes he
blows onion rings."


"My psychiatrist told me I'm going crazy.  I told him...If
you don't mind I'd like a second opinion...he said...
Alright...you're ugly too!"


"I was so ugly...my mother used to feed me with a sling
shot!"


"When I was born the doctor took one look at my
face...turned me over and said.. Look...twins!"


"And we were poor too.  Why, if I wasn't born a boy...I'd
have nothing to play with!"