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otherauthors
Subject: What if the arc were written by... Heinlein? -- Talia and Ivanova
would already be sleeping together... -- this would surprise no one, for
everyone else would be sleeping together as well... -- did I mention
they'd all be related? -- Mars rebels would be throwing large chunks of
rock at Earth... -- every female on the show would possess multiple
doctorates... -- every female on the show would be pregnant... -- Franklin
would spend most of his time gene-splicing (see above)... -- Garibaldi
would spend most of his time arguing with his (sentient) computer... --
Sheridan and Sinclair would *both* have discovered that they were
long-lost by-blows of Lazarus Long... -- What other races? Humanity would
have exterminated them long ago! Asimov? -- Kosh would eventually be
revealed to be *somehow* in league with R. Daneel Olivaw... -- the Psi-Corps
would have pronouns like "I/We/PsiCorps"... -- action scenes?
What action scenes? -- the show would be off the air because the creator
got bored with it; twenty-odd years later, it would continue, bit by
bit... -- fortunately, the Shadows would be limited by Three Laws; by
using tricks of logic, as well as trial and error, their threat could be
alleviated... Clarke? -- Rendezvous with Babylon 5; Garden of Babylon 5;
Babylon 5 Revealed; need I say more? Gibson? -- the CGI would be even
*better*... -- everybody would have cybernetic enhancements (the GroPos
would have had *lots*)... -- most of the show would take place on the
network which everyone's jacked into... -- Sheridan would watch cyber-porn
of his wife in VR glasses... -- a couple guys with VR equipment would
attempt to get information out of... hey! Wait a minute! Herbert? -- Jason
Ironheart would have ruled the Empire for 1500 years... -- Kosh would have
been highly praised by said God-Emperor for his line, "What is need
compared to the The Path?" -- the Shadows would have told the
Emperor, unless he did as instructed, "You will live out your life in
a pain amplifier!" Anthony? -- the Narn and Centauri, Earthers and
Minbari... heck, even the Shadows and the Vorlons, would all get together
and be friends in the end, when they realized that they really don't have
anything to fight over, after all... Lovecraft? -- the whole arc would be
played back on a twisted piece of alien machinery found in a cave in
Antarctica; all the viewers would die or vanish mysteriously sometime
later, leaving a "foetid stench"... William Shakespeare - --
we'd be getting foreshadowing of every major plot turn... hmm... -- the
clowns would actually turn out to be tragic characters... -- it would not
be called Babylon 5, would instead be named after a character who would
likely die before the series is done. William Shatner - -- "And THE
sky... FULL OF stars..." -- Sinclair and Sheridan would have a new
Lt. Commander to boff each week -- Bester would have a cheesy Russian
accent -- tek pushers would be running rampant! -- Shatner would _have_ to
have a role... Robert Jordan - -- Eight seasons and counting, no end in
sight... Frank Herbert - -- The Character that Will Not Die -- The station
would be a self-contained ecosystem, within which a species of giant
drug-producing sandworm lives... David Lynch - -- Changes his mind halfway
through the arc -- Two words: Dancing midget. -- Julie Cruise appears
every other episode. God - -- It would probably make a lot less sense.
Robert Anton Wilson? -- Never mind, as far as I can tell it's already
being written by Robert Anton Wilson. There is no JMS, it's a clone of
Weisshaupt...no one is exactly what they seem! Dave Sim? -- Sinclair would
have to go into a cocoon back on Minbar and emerge as an aardvark, who
will lead the EA in a giant spherical golden spaceship on a quest to find
out what sex the Shadows really are. Robert Jordan? -- The Shadows are
breaking free from their ancient prison. The One - sorry, the Dragon
Reborn - must come into his power to fight it - he who will save the
galaxy and break it. Delenn would have come out of her prison not as a
human, but as a werewolf; and Garibaldi would start wearing a big hat
& gambling a lot. L. Ron Hubbard -secret rogue government
organizations -necrophiliacs -lesbians and bisexuals -drugs -telepaths -no
need for healing machines Dr. Seuss - -- "Babylon 4, back again?
When's it been, Sheridan? When's Delenn been?" -- "Sinclair's
fair. But barely there, Sinclair. Where's Sinclair? Having fun? The One,
having fun? The One's done having fun. He's arranging strangers into
rangers." e. e. cummings - -- it was the dawn of the third age of
manunkind ten years after the earth minbari war the babylon project was a
dream given form its goal to prevent another war by providing a place
where humans and aliens could settle their differences peacefully its a
place of commerce and diplomacy home away from home for diplomats hustlers
entrepreneurs and wanderers humans and aliens wrapped in two million five
hundred thousand tons of spinning metal all alone in the night it can be a
dangerous place but its our last best hope for peace this is the story of
the last of the babylon stations the year is twenty two fifty eight the
name of the place is babylon five -- e. e. cummings -- wait theres a hell
of a good universe next door lets go Steven Spielburg - -- all the aliens
just want to go home -- Babylon 5 located in the heart of a vast jungle,
populated by ravenous, prehistoric, CGI... oh, you know the drill...
Philip K. Dick - -- Remember the VR in And The Sky Full Of Stars? That was
actually reality, and Sinclair is living in a virtual reality machine
manifested within a virtual reality. Or is he? -- The main villian would
be the Happ-EE Corporation. -- Garibaldi would be selling forged Warner
Bros. animation cels to discriminating Centauri. -- Talia Winters is
faking her telepathic abilities. -- Sheridan would be quite distressed by
the divine messages that are being projected onto his morning cup of
Koffee. -- The Vorlon would be obsessed with late 20th century television
soap operas. -- Spoo would have inexplicable hallucinigenic properties. --
Londo would suddenly begin to sport a mechanica eye and arm for no
previously discernable reason. -- Morden's last name would be Fremont --
The Vorlon, when finally unmasked, would turn out to be Richard M. Nixon.
John Woo - -- Garibaldi gets to slide along the bar in slow motion
shooting two PPGs at heavily armed and undertrained thugs. Every episode.
Frank Miller- -- How many PPG wounds can a human (or an alien for that
matter) take before finally passing out? Frank will be on hand every
episode to explore this difficult and controversial theme. Quentin
Tarantino- -- The seasons come in this order: Season Two Season Four
Season Three Season Five Season One ...and somehow, it still makes perfect
sense. Sergio Leone- -- A Soul Hunter at one end of the corridor. Delenn
at the other. They face each other. The Soul Hunter pulls his jacket aside
to reveal the holstered remote control to the device he is standing in
front of- which is starting to glow. Delenn looks at him. A triluminary in
her pocket. Five minutes of incredible music, during which the Soul
Hunter's eyes narrow, Delenn looks ever more intensely back, the machine
continues to glow even more, nobody moves and the camera continually
closes in upon their eyes. The music reaches a crescendo- quietens- In
C&C, an explosion is heard. The Soul Hunter staggers a few steps
forward, his broken machine behind him. He tries to holster his remote
control, and collapses. Delenn shows him the triluminary. He dies. ...The
series ends. Oliver Stone- --It's all a conspiracy. (hang on... that's how
jms writes it...) Sam Peckinpah: -- PPG fights instantly go into slow
motion, with plenty of spraying blood, vaporized flesh and many closeups
on agonized faces. Space battles also go into slow motion, with plenty of
spraying flame, vaporized hull, and many closeups on agonized faces. John
Carpenter: -- There would be more to Londo's ducks than it seems; a fog
would constantly drift around the station; every time Sheridan was
introduced somebody would say "I heard you were dead." Dr.
Franklin would be, in reality, an alien creature which has assumed his
form. Ridley Scott: -- Every corridor on B5 would be equipped with
flashing red lights, strobes and steam jets. Kosh would not speak, but
would leave small, origami animals at the doors to character's rooms.
There would be constant close-ups of people's eyes. Fans would forever
argue over whether Delenn was or was not really Minbari. The Centauri
would be Japanese. The soundtrack would consist of weird, distorted Asian
music. B5 would have a lot of fans. Tim Burton: -- Station interiors would
be even darker than they are now. Danny Devito would be playing Garibaldi.
Delenn would emerge from her Chrysalis with a pair of scissors for hands.
Kosh's encounter suit would have a pumpkin for a head. All ships would be
grotesquely misshapen organic tech. The Shadows would by sympathetic.
Steven Speilberg: -- Alpha, Delta and Zeta squadrons would consist of
ranks of precocious child fighter pilots. Every time a ship died it would
roll over in slow motion amid a cloud of debries to eerie, ominous music.
Sheridan would carry a whip and a dusty fedora. Kosh's encounter suit
would open to reveal Yakko, Wakko and Dot. Ivanova would be played by
Goldie Hawn, and Garibaldi by Dennis Weaver. We would never see Morden's
face, but rather just a shot of a pair of dusty cowboy boots. The Shadows
would turn out to be really pissed offed Velociraptors. Roman Pulanski: --
Sheridan and Garibaldi would be having an affair; Kosh would be a vampire.
PPG fights would turn into long, drawn-out sequences with thousands of
shots. Ivanova and Talia would be having an affair, and Dr. Franklin would
be molesting children on the side. Londo would turn out to be a mafia don.
Lennier would be a necrophiliac, G'Kar a transvestite. David Lynch and
Frank Herbert: -- Kyle MacLachlan would play a central figure called
"Coop." The character would start out as an innocent PsyCorps
investigator who ends up as the Nth coming of a religious figure. Douglas
Adams: -- The final episode would be titled ``So Long, and Thanks for All
the Kosh''? Quentin Tarantino: -- Every character would speak in
expletives and arcane pop- culture references. Sergio Leone: -- Every
character would have his/her own Morricone leitmotif. For example,
Sinclair's would be a haunting melody for soprano, organ, harmonica and
koto. John Carpenter: -- say "I heard you were dead." Dr.
Franklin would be, in reality, an alien creature which has assumed his
form. -- And everybody would be under the suggestions of subliminal
messages that a pair of cheap sunglasses would expose. John Woo: --
Garibaldi would be unshaved and carrry two PPG's. Every fight would
feature him blowing away lots of bad guys with the two guns. These guns
never run out of ammo unless the trigger is pulled while pointing at a
friend/innocent bystander. Jackie Chan: -- There would be lots of glass.
All fights would have heavy martial arts, and alot of breaking glass. John
Ford: -- It would be done in black and white, and a big fight would happen
when Ted Turner attempts to add color to it. Woody Allen: -- It would be
canceled after 2 shows. John Varley: Delenn would again have the cleft
chin and deep voice she had in the premeire. This would appear and
reappear every 4-6 episodes. Kosh would be one giant lung filled with
liquid oxygen. Mars Dome would be a simulation of Mars' atmosphere located
in Ireland, and eveyone on Mars would live in Kinshasa Dome, Cape Cod
Dome, or EuroDisney Dome. (Come to think of it, nobody would live in
EuroDisney Dome.) Amy Tan: Tomita Tamlyn would never have left, and would
be commander of the station. Everyone except Sinclair and G'Kar would be
Chinese. Kosh would speak even less, but never lose at Mah Jongg. Delenn
would be April Cho's (nee Garibaldi) mother. Susie Bright: Ivanova and
Winters would have begun their affair long ago, and we would be treated to
every safe-sex detail. Garibaldi and Winters would have something on the
side once or twice a year. Delenn would me a Tantric mother goddess, and
noslouch in the sack herself, as Ivanova's perpetually frizzed hair would
profess. The remaining ten minutes of the show would deal with alien
lifestyles and virtual reality. Back
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