Babylon 5 Humor

Humor related to the Science Fiction TV show Babylon 5

'96 Election slogans
Takashima in '96: She'll send you a fruit basket...
Vir in '96: Nothing bothers him anymore...

Everything I need to know, I got from Babylon 5
Don't argue with superior beings.
Know what you want in case somebody asks.

If B5 was an anime show:
Now if a stereotypical anime company did Babylon 5
- Talia Winters would be a space bimbo that sang idol songs in bad English.
- Garibaldi would grunt a lot.

Babylon Minus Five cancelled
Spoof reasons why the R-rated Babylon 5 was cancelled
 
Centauri Ship designs POLTROON CLASS
These are the top-of-the-line Centauri war vessels, usually
used as admiral's flagships. Every deck has its own gourmet
restaurant and brothel. Even steerage!

Why did the Babylon 5 chicken cross the road?
Morden: It was what the chicken wanted.
John Sheridan: The last time a chicken crossed the road,  
I blew it straight to hell!

Speculation on what really happens in Chrysalis
then something astonishing happens;
Kosh is heard to use the word "dude" in a sentence.

Ad for a commander of B5
From: Chicago Tribune Help Wanted Section, July 21, 2257
Wanted: Commander for newly completed space station. 3
previous stations destroyed by sabotage, 1 disappeared
inexplicably in front of a transport-load of construction
workers.

A mad bomber comes aboard in this Tick(?) parody
Guard fiddles with identicard reader: Well Mr. 'Bomber',
your ID checks out. Replacement electrician, eh?
Mr. 'Bomber': Yeah baby, just a part-time electrician. I mean,
don't cut the red wire, baby! Better red than dead!
Haaaahahahahahahahaha...!!!

B5's Conventional Wisdom (Up/Down/Same) since "Divided Loyalties"
In airing order, and has spoilers!
 
Babylon 5 dating guide
1. Don't tell a Drazi, "That's not your color."
5. Don't suggest a day trip to the planet below.
6. Don't offer to open a door unless you're sure it's not an airlock.

Spoof dolls of Babylon 5 Characters
Delenn. Special amazing new Delenn Transformer, from the same
company that brought you Optimums Prime and Megatron. Start off
bald and with a bone, but flick those hinges, fold back those
flaps, and hey presto she's gone into a chrysalis. Work it
some more and - wow! - she's changed!

Babylon 5 meets Dr. Seuss
A partial list of working titles, plot summaries, and script
fragments was released by the executors. Some of the titles
Geisel was working on are:
"Morden Spears a Spoo"

Babylon 5 Filks
Old songs, new words. Avoid at all costs! :)

TV Game shows on B5!
Newcomer: Excuse please, much hurry. I Zathras. Want
money. NEED money. Great debts. Terrible debts. Zathras no can
pay electric company. A Great Darkness, Zathras' home. Need
much cash. This show, Biggest of all Jackpots, I
need. Needing, I play. Playing, I win. There is no more to
telling.

A count of votes in the GREEN! PURPLE! debate on
rec.arts.sf.tv.babylon5
......and if I see ONE more entry on "GREEN/PURPLE" cluttering
up this newsgroup, the offender is going to get a
six-thousand-line UUENCODED binary of Kermit The Frog singing
"IT AIN'T EASY BEING GREEN!" by return mail. 

Hamlet on B5
It can be revealed. Something is rotten in grid Epsilon.
from Act III, Scene IV translated from the original Klingon:

Ivanova's Halloween behavior
Ouch
 
How Ivanova and Marcus met
Spoof, small spoilers for end season 2 and season 3
ANNOUNCER (v.o.) From Earharts, Babylon 5's best club, it's,
"Singled Out," with your hosts, Tech #1's from 2258 and 2259.
CORWIN: In the crowd are 50 single guys, or the closest alien
facsimile to guys! Hey boss, introduce our lucky female
contestant! Our contestant is the first officer of this station, 
and a rising star in Earth Force. Let's give it up for Commander
Susan Ivanova!

Kosh's Karaoke machine
Lennier opens up with a familiar riff from a mid-to-late 20th
century rock-n-roll song. The translator starts to fill in
the bass guitar and drum parts automatically. Various
orifices on Kosh's encounter.cgi suit sprout Varilights (tm).

Theme to the JMS fan club
Sung to the Mickey Mouse Club Theme -- 1950's Version
Male voices chanting: J M S Club, J M S Club, ...
Chorus: Who's the leader of the club
That's made for you and me?
S-T-R A-C-Z Y-N-S-K-I
J M S, ...

What kind of atmosphere to ask for if kidnapped by aliens
Useful information no paranoid should be without

The last words of various characters on Babylon 5
Morden: Please stop waving, Vir. You made your point.
Kosh:(tweet, flush, crash) "Rosebud." (cough, sputter, gasp)
Lennier: "Delenn. When I said I would follow you into fire, I
was speaking figuratively."

Legends of the Fall meets The Fall of Night
Some spoilers for the season 2 finale.

Babylon 5 inspired License plates
B5 FAN
BOOM

Babylon 5 Light bulbs
How many _______ does it take to screw in a lightbulb:
Mimbari:They surender.
Narn: 2: One to hold the lightbulb and one to look up how
Joe'Quan did it.

Why living ships won't do well in combat (Spoof)
1. Attitude:
Captain: Full speed ahead!
Living Ship (LS): Make me cheese-brain.

What if Babylon 5 was written by Marvel Comics?
Warning: Spoilers for the final 4 of season 2, first episode of season 3
Sinclair hears of Delenn's bad hair episode through his Ranger
contacts and is, for a time, driven to drink. But by episode 8
Sinclair resolves that he must fight the Mandarin's vicious
onslaught and, with the assistance of a heretofore unknown
friend who's big into the production of advanced combat armor,
one Anthony Stark, returns to B5 as the invincible Iron Man.

Spoofing the Minbari 1st Contact protocols
Minbari Commander: "We are the Peace Police and we'll show our
guns to everyone we encounter.cgi. If they make an aggressive
move, we'll wipe 'em out. Simple as that. There's no place in
this Universe for war-like species."

A scene cut from the Season 3 opener, Matters of Honor
WARNING: SPOILERS!
Spoilers. Follow link at your own risk.
 
The Mollari Group
VIR COTTO (off-camera): From Babylon 5, it's "The Mollari
Group," a live and unrehearsed program bringing you political
insights and predictions from the galaxy's most knowledgeable
insiders!
[Cut to recorded sponsor's credit.]
ANNOUNCER: Interplanetary Expeditions is proud to be a
supporter of "The Mollari Group." I.E.--we bring good things
back to life!

The Morden Utilities
Adumbrare Software Solutions(tm) announces the Latest release
of the Morden Utilities for People(tm).
Built from the ground up using the latest in their patented
OLDE(tm) technololgy (ominous, licentious double entendre),
Morden utilities is able to give the POWER USER more
flexibility in the way they control other's lives.

The B5 movie, recast
So, just who will star in these forthcoming blockbusters?
Early reports, from new producer Rick Berman, suggest that we
should expect the unexpected.... 
SINCLAIR: Leslie Nielsen
IVANOVA: Kathleen Turner
GARIBALDI: Bruce Willis (cast against type)
WINTERS: Cybill Shepherd
FRANKLIN: Denzel Washington
DELENN: Meryll Streep

Babylon5 & Cinema crossovers
"Animal Station" B5 is invaded by an alien swarm of drunken
college students! It's Spring Break 2269, and suddenly
Garibaldi is up to his ears in fraternity-boy hijinks!
Unfortunately for Sheridan, the Galactic Conference of
Teetotalers are having their annual convention on B5 at the
same time and if they aren't kept happy, heads will roll!

B5 music
Today's Question: "What is your favorite piece of classical
music from Earth?"
G'KAR (Narn ambassador): "It is one of my dreams to conduct a
performance of Mozart's *The Magic Flute*--especially if I can
arrange to have the flute in question carved from Ambassador
Mollari's femur."

The fate of N'Grath, revealed
It's not here; go to the link! :)

Season II office pool
1. The first of the regular characters (those who appear in
the opening credits) to die will be

If other authors wrote B5...
Heinlein?
-- Talia and Ivanova would already be sleeping together...
-- this would surprise no one, for everyone else would be sleeping
together as well...
-- did I mention they'd all be related?
-- Mars rebels would be throwing large chunks of rock at Earth...
-- every female on the show would possess multiple doctorates...
-- every female on the show would be pregnant...

If other directors wrote B5...
What if the arc were written/directed by...
Stanley Kubrick?
- Each episode would be two hours long, and take eight years to film.
- Dialogue? What dialogue? 
- The whole show would be shot using the Steadicam, with lots
of slow tracking shots, symmetrical compositions, and
close-ups on mad faces.

Parody: The Greater Enemy (Parody by Shane Killian)
Captain's Log. Stardate: 2259, the year the great war came
upon us all. Ever since the Enterprise has arrived in our
universe, they have been unable to use much of their
technology. And even as we struggle to help them find their
way back, we face an incident between them and the Narn
regime. Two questions are presently bothering me: Will we be
able to get them back without exacerbating the present
situation, and why am *I* the one doing the Captain's Log
voiceover?

Parody: It came from the Black Space Lagoon (ST/B5 crossover spoof)
IVANOVA: Is there anything wrong with the pasty-skinned fellow there?
PICARD: Nothing that a thousand-ton press couldn't fix. He's
our android. We'll switch him back on momentarily.

IVANOVA: Android? As in, robot? I never thought I'd live to
see a robot on Babylon 5, with the way Straczynski talks about
them.

The case of Babylon 5 present Peter Pan
Tinker Bell: Kosh Naranek
The Lost Boys: Zack Allen, Marcus Cole, Vir Cotto, and Lennier
Tiger Lily: Na'Toth
Captain Hook: Londo Mollari
Smee: Morden
The Crocodile: Gla'za'mit, the Pak'ma'ra Ambassador
 
Babylon 5 Pets
Speculation as to what pet each B5 character would choose
Commander Jeffrey Sinclair -- English Sheep Dog
-- Cheshire Cat

B5 Phone sex
push 1 for Susan ... our sexy S&M mistress
push 2 for Talia ... she knows your every desire
push 7 for Kosh ... never mind, you're not ready

B5 Pizza
People in B5 and their own Pizza delivery slogans.
Minbari: Free delivery to anyone who can prove they have
Valen's soul. 
We won't stop your delivery for no reason just before reaching
your house. Honest.
Absolutely no chance of hair in your food...

Psalm 23, updated for B5
JMS is my producer; I shall not want.
He maketh me to consider the "Signs and Portents": he 
leadeth me to the hole in Sinclair's mind.

Pulp Fiction meets Babylon 5
Morden: What do you want?
Kosh: .*Why the F__K do you always ask that, A**HOLE!*.

The Lurker's Guide to Babylon 5
-"Cast of Characters"--Mini-biographies of the most frequent
posters to the group.
-"Synopses"--You say you missed the first 750 posts to the
"Moderation?" thread and don't know how you'll ever 
catch up? Not to worry! With our handy synopses of all
the major threads, you'll never have any trouble keeping
up with all the flame wars!

The Saban-modified rangers reach Babylon 5
- There are now five different kinds of PPGs. They can be joined
together to form the "MegaPPG"
- For some odd reason, every time Garabaldi fights something
(Which seems to happen every episode now) he blows on this
stupid Dagger/Flute ...Hmmmm....

B5/Sailor Moon crossover humor
VIR (Centauri male; Centauri Ambassador Mollari's aide):
[purple skirt] I am Ranger Centauri! In the name of the
Empire I will right wrongs and punish evil, and that means
YOU! [stops pointing and looks embarrassed] Sorry, Londo.
 
Keeping scores on rec.arts.sf.tv.babylon5
+1 for each _substantive_ post about Babylon 5
+3 for properly spoiler-protected arc speculation
 -100 for each JMS post which explicitly, by name, calls you an
"asshole"
 -1000 if your initials are FT, TF, DF, or MM and all other
 attack spoo

Babylon 5 screensaver ideas
- Sinclair's duck as it wanders around the screen, destroying
planets along the way.
- Lennier and Garibaldi on the Ninja, leaving skid marks
all over your windows.

Sex with Shadows
They always ask you what you want.
They always give you what you want.

Babylon 5 Shitlists
Zathras: This shit not the One.
Minbari: Follow your heart's shit.

B5 smilies
(==)  - Kosh
{ :-)  - Minbari

The writing planet side in In The Shadow of Z'ha'dum
A bunch of spoilers. Proceed at your own risk

JMS defines spoo!
Spoo is/are (the plural of spoo is spoo) small, white, pasty,
mealy critters, rather worm-like, and generally regarded as
the ugliest animals in the known galaxy by just about every
sentient species capable of star flight, with the possible
exception of the pak'ma'ra, who would simply recommend a more
rigorous program of exercise.

Babylon 5 Taglines
"Don't give away the homeworld." - Babylon 5
Bester "That's a lie." Jeff "Yes it is. What's your point?"

Talia's version of the season 3 opener
My vote for the new opening dialog is the _new_ Talia in her
best new haughty/disgusted voice: