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parody1
Well, someone here once said something like, "Why doesn't someone
write a parody of both Star Trek and Babylon 5 that doesn't favor one show
over the other?" Well, I thought I'd give it a shot. The Greater
Enemy by Shane Killian Part 1 Captain's Log: Stardate 44124.8 and a half.
The Enterprise has been assigned to monitor yet another subspace anomaly.
Since the Federation apparently can't think of any more constructive use
for their flagship, there is absolutely nothing else to do--no tests by
God-like beings, no empty threats by little-heard-of races, and even no
holodeck, at least until Mr. LaForge completes his repairs. Quite
personally, I'm bored. Bored bored bored bored bored. Bored bored bored
BORED BORED BORED BORED...BORED!!!!!!! Picard slammed his fist into the
log entry padd, shutting it off. "You need to relax, Captain,"
Counselor Troi advised. "You're experiencing an excessive amount of
tension. My empathic abilities tell me you're in a state of boredom."
"Thank you so much for your specialized insight, Deanna. I ONLY SAID
I WAS BORED A DOZEN TIMES!!!!!!!!!" "Fourteen, sir," Data
corrected. Picard felt something at his right shoulder. He turned to find
his first officer slumped in his chair, snoozing on Picard's shoulder. The
nameless ensign at the engineering station said his one and only line:
"Sir, we are approaching the anomaly." Picard sat upright.
"What is it, Mr. Data?" Data took a reading from his console.
"According to scans, it appears to be an extradimensional
gateway." "Looks to me," said Deanna, "like it's just
an orange whirly thing in space." Picard rolled his eyes toward the
ceiling. He felt Riker nuzzle closer to his neck. "Commander
Riker?" said Picard. "No, please, call me Will," Riker
mumbled, "and I'll call you 'my little pootie-cake'."
"COMMANDER RIKER!!!" Riker awoke and looked around. "Hunh?
Whaa? Did I miss shomething?" "A couple of things: First, you're
a weenie; second, consult with Mr. Data concerning the subspace
anomaly." Riker yawned. "What, you mean that orange whirly
thing?" Suddenly, the lights dimmed and the floor began to shake
profusely. "What?" Riker said. "Are we under attack? I
didn't think we were budgeted for any space battles this week."
"We are being pulled into the anomaly," said Data.
"Oh," said Riker. "That's different, then." When the
lights and systems came back on, the only thing on the viewscreen were a
bunch of amber swirls. "Well," said Picard, "for an orange
whirly thing in space, it seems quite tame." Picard had spoken too
soon. "Sir," said Data, "we are starting to receive reports
of widespread system malfunctions, apparently the result of entering the
anomaly. Suggest we find a way out as soon as possible." "Make
it so, Mr. Data." Twelve incredibly boring minutes edited down to
three seconds later, Data announced that he had found a possible exit. He
had located a transmitter that was acting as a beacon to indicate the
presence of something called a "jump gate," and Picard ordered
navigation to locate it. "We are approaching the jump gate,
sir." "On screen." The viewscreen showed an artifically
constructed device, which consisted of a large arrow with flashing lights
that read, "THIS WAY OUT." "Looks like it was
earth-made," observed Picard. "Apparently someone else has
become caught up in this anomaly and left this beacon behind for the
benefit of any other trapped ships looking for the exit. Mark a course and
engage." As they reached the jump gate, something new appeared on the
screen. "Hey!" said Riker. "A *blue* whirly thing! Have we
ever encountered those?" "Somehow," said Picard, "I
don't think the episode is quite over yet." Ivanova adjusted her
uniform and proceeded to C&C. She was having one of *those* days. Of
course, for Ivanova, every day was one of *those* days. When she entered,
she announced she was assuming command in her usual way: by jumping on the
first technician she ran into for no reason, and then jumping on everyone
else for not having the courage to stop her jumping on him for no reason.
Then she plopped down into the command chair and fell asleep. An hour
later, the pilot of a Narn vessel scheduled for departure was his ship to
match Babylon 5's rotation, slowly burned his thrusters to accelerate
towards the exit, and mentally cursed the writers for making everything so
damned difficult. As per protocol, he contacted Babylon Control.
"Babylon Control, this is the Narn vessel HRAAAAAAAAGH. Permission to
proceed to jump gate." No response. "Babylon Control, this is
the HRAAAAAAAAGH. Permission to proceed to jump gate." Still no
response. "WAKE UP, BABYLON CONTROL!!!!!!!" "Huh? What? Oh,
yeah. Proceed to jump gate." He watched as the jumpgate was
activated--for *exiting*, not entering. "Babylon Control..." he
started. "Oops!" Babylon Control responded. "Had the silly
thing in reverse. Stand by, HRAAAAAAAGH." "That's 'HRAAAAAAAAGH.'"
"Whatever." He sighed, and looked towards the jumpgate.
Something was coming out. It was huge, silver, and just slightly
silly-looking. And it was on a collision course. "Babylon
Control," he signalled, "never mind. I'll just hitch a ride with
the Vorlons. "Many of the ships major systems are nonresponsive,"
Data reported. Riker sighed. "Run a level one diag-whatsit." He
hated big words. "Picard to LaForge." No answer. He tried again.
"Picard to LaForge." Still no answer. "Mr. Worf, please
retrieve Mr. LaForge from holodeck 3." "Yes, sir." Worf
exited the bridge. Picard looked at the screen. None of the ships were
recognizable. "Well, Number One, at least we appear to be in normal
space, but from the looks of things we're a long way from home."
"According to star patterns," said Data, "we're only 26
light-years from Earth." "Oh no," said Riker. "This
isn't another one of those parallel-reality things, again?" Is it
*really* one of those parallel-reality things? Has the writer taken the
cheap way out? What's with the two Executive Officers? Why can't they stay
awake? What's wrong with the Enterprise's systems? Will they find their
way back home in due time, or will this be an annoying two-parter? Find
out (if you care) in the next installment of...The Greater Enemy.
TheMadDoctor@cup.portal.com GFA/CA/MU/PA e++ d+ s++:- a- h--- C++ U+ 5+++
DENVER, NC USA <*> N++ w--- PS+ t+ R+ tv b++ DI+ PGP+ r+++ y+++ G
The Greater Enemy by Shane Killian Part 2 Captain's Log: Stardate 44124.8
and three quarters. The Enterprise has passed through a subspace anomaly
into yet another parallel reality. After making several attempts to
contact the humans in charge of the space station, I finally got to talk
to the person in charge. "This is Captain John Sheridan of the Earth
Alliance Station Babylon 5. Your ship is of an unknown configuration.
Please identify yourself." "I am Captain Jean-Luc Picard of the
Federation Starship Enterprise. We have entered your universe via a
subspace anomaly. Many of our systems are now nonfunctional. Request
assistance." "Shuttlecrafts will be dispatched to bring your
command crew onboard B5. Unfortunately, we can't spare crew or equipment
because our government is run by short-sighted cheapskates."
"Really? Here, we have replicators. Whenever we need something, we
press a button and we get it. Tell me, what year is it?" Ivanova
groaned. *Never* ask Sheridan that question. "The year,"
Sheridan chirped, "is 2259. The name of the place...is Babylon
5!" Ivanova could never figure out why he loved doing that. Maybe it
was genetic. Maybe it was a good thing he and Anna never had kids. Just
before the shuttles were ready to launch, two jump points formed nearby.
Out of one came a Centauri battlecruiser, and out of the other came a Narn
battlecruiser. "Gee," said Sheridan, "think we should have
warned them we were in the middle of a war zone?" Before firing on
each other, the ships turned on the Enterprise and demanded to know whose
side they were on. "We are on the side of peace." The Centauri
and Narn captains shouted in unison, "COMMON ENEMY!!!!!" and
proceeded to fire. "Launch Zeta squadron," said Ivanova.
"Communicate to the vessels that we are prepared to defend the
ship." On the bridge of the Enterprise, Picard was addressing his
crew. "I do not like having to do this any more than the rest of you
do. But the present situation demands it." "Sir," said
Riker, "you can't mean..." "I'm afraid so, Number One. I
had hoped to avoid it, but I'm afraid I have no other choice than
to...hold a meeting." They all groaned and stuffed themselves into
the conference room like sardines. Naturally, the mighty warships were
reluctant to fire on the tiny Starfuries, as that would provoke a war with
Earth. However, Zeta Squad could only barely hold them off. "What's
the matter?" said Sheridan. "Why doesn't the Enterprise defend
itself?" "Maybe their weapons systems are down," suggested
Ivanova. "Maybe they're low on power," said Garibaldi.
"Whatever it is," said Sheridan, "it must be a huge
problem." "But if we open fire, it'll be an act of war!"
They were all crammed into the conference room, except for Geordi. Worf,
for some reason, was unable to retrieve him from the holodeck. Everyone
was actually relieved. It left more room to breathe. "Do you know
what a war might mean?" said Riker. "I might mess up my
hair!" "Number One?" said Picard. "Yes, sir?"
"You're a total weenie; you know that?" "Yes, sir."
Riker was smiling. "Thank you, sir." "I am sensing great
hosility from both ships," contributed Deanna uselessly. Everyone
ignored her. "Sir," said Worf, who was folded like a pretzel in
a chair way too small for him, "Don't you think we should do anything
even as remotely useful as firing back?" "Maybe it's all a
misunderstanding," said Dr. Crusher. "Why don't we just invite
them all over for tea and get to know them better?" Fortunately for
their sake, Sheridan had managed to get Londo and G'Kar to cancel the
attacks and work towards a solution. Unfortunately, it meant holding a
meeting of their own. "I want to know what provoked the attack,"
yelled Sherian. "Ah, I have spoken with the captain of the Centauri
vessel," said Londo. "He admits he acted out of haste. He
thought the Narn vessel was teaming up with the other ship in a joint
attack. He offers his apologies. And since all of his gunner's shots
missed, there's no harm done." "One of those shots hit *our*
ship, Mollari," said G'Kar. "Well, he's a young gunner; not very
experienced. Mishaps happen. Besides, your ship flew in the way."
"All right," said Sheridan. "G'Kar, are you prepared to
offer the same apology as Londo?" "Absolutely not. I have
received word that they maliciously prevented one of our ships from
entering the jumpgate on schedule. His perishable cargo was lost. My
government will want a response. I want to know everything about that ship
and who's on it." "Well, we're willing to cooperate with your
ambassador's request," said Picard. "Prepare to receive
information on my crew and my ship's mission. Good thing the computers and
the communication equipment are still functional. They're about the only
things which are. We even had to switch over to an archaic frequency to
talk with you." "Understood. We are ready to receive your
transmission." Data set his console to transmit the information, then
he went to talk with Picard. "I believe I know what has happened to
our systems. It appears that only a certain class of technology--the
'magic', or 'technobabble' technology--is affected." "What does
this mean?" "From looking at their technology, and the way their
ships move in space, I would suggest that we are constrained to operating
within the laws of physics." "No! You can't mean that! I won't
accept that as an answer, Mr. Data! I want solutions! Consult with Mr.
LaForge and find an answer!" "It will mean pulling Geordi away
from the holodeck repairs, sir." "Do it!" "Yes,
sir." Unbeknownst to any of the major characters, a ship was
travelling towards them through hyperspace. Programmed to seek out all of
a certain kind and assimilate them into their own, the cube-shaped ship
moved silently towards its destination, homing in on an opportunity too
good to pass up. Geordi, who was merely pretending to repair the holodeck
but was really running his favorite program, "Jungle Girls Of The
Planet Nymphomania IV," was understandably miffed at being
interrupted. Data's timing was always terrible. Nevertheless, he helped
Data research the problem. "Yep, that's definitely what it looks
like, Data." "I think we need to do a few more tests before
declaring that to be an absolute conclusion." "Agreed. Okay,
computer: realign the magnetic coils to the subspace pulse inverter
relay." The computer did so. Nothing happened. "Hmmm..."
Geordi thought. "How about reconfiguring the emitter relay to the
upper E-band frequencies?" They tried it. Still nothing. "All
right. One more test. Computer: Reverse the polarity of the neutron
flow." Data shot him a look. "Hey," said Geordi, "it
always worked for Dr. Who!" Since the Enterprise crew is unable to
babble their way out of this one, what help can Babylon 5 give them?
Towing service? Will G'Kar back down, or will he become a signifigant
problem? Who is the mysterious race tracking them down, and why? Is Picard
ever going to have the opportunity to sit down with a nice cup of
replicated Earl Grey again? Find out in the next installment of...The
Greater Enemy. TheMadDoctor@cup.portal.com GFA/CA/MU/PA e++ d+ s++:- a-
h--- C++ U+ 5+++ DENVER, NC USA <*> N++ w--- PS+ t+ R+ tv b++ DI+
PGP+ r+++ y+++ G The Greater Enemy by Shane Killian Part 3 with special
guest star JOE PISCOPO as 'Q' Captain's Log. Stardate: 2259, the year the
great war came upon us all. Ever since the Enterprise has arrived in our
universe, they have been unable to use much of their technology. And even
as we struggle to help them find their way back, we face an incident
between them and the Narn regime. Two questions are presently bothering
me: Will we be able to get them back without exacerbating the present
situation, and why am *I* the one doing the Captain's Log voiceover?
Picard, Riker, and Data were escorted off the shuttle in Babylon 5's
docking bay, and Picard marvelled at what he saw. It was a noisy,
confusing bustle of humans and aliens both boarding and disembarking from
their transports; nothing like home. Sheridan and Ivanova met them there.
"Captain Picard. Welcome to Babylon 5." "I must say,
Captain, this is quite an impressive station, but I wasn't quite prepared
for the strangeness of it all. Your aliens are...pretty alien."
"Well, I think I'd say that yours are atrange for us as well. We
don't have any sentient androids, for example." "But how do you
tell if they're sentient? In my universe, all sentients are humans with
bumpy foreheads or noses." "Well, whenever we encounter a new
race, we go up to them and ask, 'Are you sentient?' and unless they say
no, we give them the benefit of the doubt." As they walked to council
chambers, Sheridan shook his head. What a strange question to ask.
"My government wants an explanation, Picard!" G'Kar shouted.
"And I have given it to you. Our ship was caught up in an anomaly. We
are prepared to replace the cargo lost to your pilot; with a sample of the
perishable in question, our replicators can produce as much of it as you
want...Once we get it working." "Empty talk, Picard. My
government will want to see some results before any deal is made."
Picard started to retort, but Riker came up beside him. "If you will
allow me, sir." "Please," said Picard, eager to get out of
the hot seat. Riker tightened his tunic, stuck out his chest, and
swaggered over to G'Kar to speak to him eye-to-eye. "Now listen here,
you bald, spotted, pathetic excuse for a warrior...I've had just about
enough of your hard talk and your threats. I warn you, back down *now*,
before I have to get tough!" G'Kar held his ground. "I do not
have to take this tone of voice from you!" "Well, that's just
because you don't know who you're dealing with!" "Oh?" said
G'Kar, feigning interest. "And just who might that be?"
"Commander William T. Riker of Starfleet!" He said it with
enough conviction to gain G'Kar's curiosity, so he turned to Na'Toth, who
had been given the crew roster, and she selected Riker's information
packet. G'Kar and Na'Toth read it together, then they both started
laughing uncontrollably. Riker was furious. "May I ask what is so
funny?" "Well....It says here....Right here it says...."
G'Kar was laughing too hard to read it out, but Na'Toth managed to get her
laughter under control. "'Commander William T. Riker. First Officer
on board Starship U.S.S. Enterprise. Remarks: What a weenie!'" They
both collapsed to the floor, laughing. Riker straightened his tunic and
crossed back over to Picars. "Sir, I... I..." "Number
One..." "Sir, they...THEY LAUGHED AT ME!!!!!" Riker started
sobbing on Picard's shoulder. "Oh, Number One, you *are* a
weenie!" "Now now, Jean-Luc, be easy on him. After all, he's
still evolving." Everyone in the room turned to look at the man who
said that remark. "Dammit, Q!" screamed Picard. "I should
have known this was *your* doing." "Au contrair, mon
Capitan," said Q innocently. "I merely stopped by when I heard.
I thought it must be absolutely hilarious watching you in a universe where
your precious technology doesn't work. And I was right!" Picard
released seven years of pent-up anger by grabbing Q by the lapels and
throwing him up against a wall. "Q! You misanthrope! I have had just
about enough of you! Now, go back where you came from and go tear the
wings off an Andorian fly or something!" The room was silent.
Sheridan moved to intervene. "You shouldn't grab me by the lapels,
Johnny," Q said. "My mother grabbed me by the lapels
once...*Once*." "All right," said Sheridan. "That's
quite enough. Now, I don't know who you are or where you came from, but
your presence is uninvited and disruptive, and I suggest you leave at
once." "All right. I don't stay where I'm not wanted. I'll be
going now." He smiled, and gave a good-bye salute. Nothing happened.
"What's the matter?" said Sheridan. "I...I changed my mind.
I'd rather stay." Picard was smiling. "It seems that Q is as
powerless in this universe as we are." "Commander Ivanova,
escort this gentleman to holding." Ivanova didn't respond.
"Commander?" Sheridan walked over to where she was. She was
standing at attention by the door, looking very alert...except for the
fact that her eyes were closed. "COMMANDER!" "Huh? What?
I'll take the three-piece dining set, and the rest on a gift
certificate." Sheridan groaned. It was going to be a long day.
Sheridan contacted Garibaldi to escort Q to a holding cell, then he and
Picard took a walk through the station to discuss the situation. "So,
you're saying that, in your universe, he's this super-powerful
being?" "Oh yes, but it seems his powers don't work in this
universe. Your universe has a set of physical laws that don't seem to be
as... flexible as ours." A figure came up behind them, and Sheridan
heard a familiar (and dreaded) voice say, "Captain Sheridan, may I
speak to you?" "Mr. Bester. To what do I owe the honor of your
presence?" "Well, sir, I was stopping through en route to a Psi-Corps
convention, when I detected someone using telepathy. I believe this person
is an unregistered telepath. He is the one you just took to a holding
cell." "You mean, this Q guy?" "Apparently," said
Picard, "he's not *completely* powerless." Sheridan had just
linked with Garibaldi to give him Bester's information as Garibaldi was
locking up Q. "All right," Garibaldi spoke into his link.
"I'll meet with him in my office immediately." He turned to Q.
"As for you, you stay put." "You shouldn't lock me in a
holding cell, Mikey," said Q. "My great-grandfather locked me in
a holding cell once...*Once*." "Yeah, yeah." "There's
more going on here than you know about, Mr. Gari-BALDY," said Q.
"You're not prepared for it. Let me out, and I might condescend to
help you." "Sure, Q. Tell me another one." Garibaldi left
to talk with Bester. The ship had just reached the section of hyperspace
which corresponded with Babylon 5's real-space coordinates. It was charged
up; it was ready to strike. But the time was not yet right. Just a little
longer. That's all right. They could wait. They were patient. Who are the
crewmembers of this mysterious ship? Are they the enemy referred to in the
title? With the main baddies from both universes on board, how much
trouble are our heroes in for? Is all this going somewhere, or is the
writer just making it up as he goes along? Find out in the next
installment of...The Greater Enemy. TheMadDoctor@cup.portal.com GFA/CA/MU/PA
e++ d+ s++:- a- h--- C++ U+ 5+++ DENVER, NC USA <*> N++ w--- PS+ t+
R+ tv b++ DI+ PGP+ r+++ y+++ G The Greater Enemy by Shane Killian Part 4
Captain's Log. Stardate: 90210. Counselor Troi has managed to get
Ambassador G'Kar to drop his complaint against us, after a few private
negotiating sessions, although she has neglected to inform me as to the
content of those negotiations. Q has shown up, but is apparently without
many of his powers, except telepathy. Apparently, use of psionic powers is
restricted in this universe, and a man named Bester has been sent to
investigate Q. "Don't I know you?" "We've never met, Mr. Q.
My name is Bester. Are you aware that unregistered telepaths are
considered criminals?" "Are you aware that wearing your hair
like that is considered unfashionable?" Bester narrowed his eyes.
"I would not be so cocky if I were you." Something shot into Q's
head. "YEAAAAAAAGHHH!!!!!" Bester smiled. He always enjoyed
doing that. "You shouldn't mind-blast me, Bester," said Q.
"My great aunt mind-blasted me once...*On--YEAAAAAAAAAAGHH!!!!!"
Bester moved towards him. "Now, maybe you'll be a bit more
receptive." Q looked at him closely. "I *do* know you, don't
I?" "No, you don't!" "Didn't you used to be
Russian?" "Mr. Q, I would adwise you--er, I mean, advise you not
to--" "You are him! I knew it! How did you come to be in this
universe?" "Well, the pay's better...Look, can we just keep that
among ourselves?" "I'm willing to cut a deal." "Zeta
Leader to Babylon Control. Ready to drop." "Confirmed, Zeta
Leader." Keffer always felt a rush when his Starfury entered
hyperspace. If it weren't for that, and the sheer fun of flying, he might
get bored of little routine missions like this. He started to locate his
exit beacon, when something moved in his way. Awhile back, he had seen a
mysterious ship in hyperspace, but it was nothing like this. As a beam
shot into his brain from the enormous cube hovering in front of him, he
suddenly decided that getting out of bed this morning was a really bad
idea. "You can't be serious!" "Deanna," said Picard,
"we're in their Universe, we have to abide by their laws."
Sheridan, Picard, Troi, and Bester were in Sheridan's office. "But no
one told me empathy was illegal here!" Deanna whined. "All
unregistered telepaths must be found and restricted," said Bester.
"Wait a minute," said Sheridan. "Ms. Troi, how many times
have you used this power of yours in our universe?" "Well,
none." "Then Bester, how did you detect her?" "I got a
tip...from a friend." "But who here would know of her
powers?" Deanna and Picard said it at the same time. "Q!"
"Regardless," said Bester, "You are an unregistered
telepath, and so I have to take you into my custody." "Hold on,
Bester. This is still my station, and I have a situation here. I'm willing
to hold her until this situation is over, then release her to you...That
is, if she's still in this universe." "That sounds fair,
Captain." "One moment," said Picard. "What about
Q?" "Once he is released to us," said Bester, "he will
be in the protection of PsiCorp." Sheridan's link beeped.
"Sheridan, go." "Sir," said Ivanova, "Keffer's
returned, and he wants to talk to you." "On my way." Keffer
was not himself. He kept saying that we had lost our way, that the saviors
were coming, to make us a part of the Greater Collective. Sheridan called
Franklin to send a medical team. "What exactly is the problem?"
"See for yourself." Sheridan brought Keffer to the vidscreen.
"They're coming! The saviors are coming! Repent, and be part of the
Greater Collective!" Franklin sent a team double-speed. When they
took him off to med-lab, he was still going on. "Be prepared for the
Coming! You must all repent! Wear tasteless clothes! Speak in cliches! All
of you..." Sheridan left the room wanting some answers. *Something*
had happened to him out there...and Sheridan wanted to know what. The cube
ship surged with energy. It was almost time. As a precaution, Sheridan had
let Picard's crew (except Deanna, whom he had stuck in the cell next to Q)
back to their ship and launched Delta Squadron. He was speaking with
Picard over the com screen, when they were interrupted by a message.
"Human confluences...Your day of independence is over. From this time
forward, you will service...us." "What corny dialogue!"
Ivanova whispered to Sheridan. They watched as a cube-shaped ship
materialized in the middle of them. "What is that diagram on the
side?" Ivanova asked. "Well," said Sheridan, "I may be
drinking too many sunspots, but it looks like a peacock to me."
"That's what I thought. And that on the top...looks kind of like an
eye." They reestablished contact with the Enterprise and Zeta
Squadron. Zeta Two responded first. "On this side, there's just a
circle with the first three letters of the alphabet inside." "In
English?" "Roger, Babylon Control." "Zeta Nine, you're
on the opposite side...What's over there?" "Sorry, Babylon
Control...I can't see a thing for all these spotlights."
"Captain Sheridan..." "Yes, Captain Picard?" "We
know who this enemy is. We have dealt with them in the past. Recently they
took control of one of our ships. And believe me when I tell you that we
are all in very real danger." Who is this enemy, and what danger do
they pose? What is the deal Q made with Bester? Will it be another week
and a half before Part 5? Find out in the next installment of...The
Greater Enemy. TheMadDoctor@cup.portal.com GFA/CA/MU/PA e++ d+ s++:- a-
h--- C++ U+ 5+++ DENVER, NC USA <*> N++ w--- PS+ t+ R+ tv b++ DI+
PGP+ r+++ y+++ G The Greater Enemy by Shane Killian Part 5 with special
guest star PAUL ZAHADOOM as 'Beakman' Captain's Log. Stardate: OICU812.
The enemy which has constantly threatened our universe has made their way
into this one. Unfortunately, I cannot convince their Captain that this
enemy poses a drastic threat indeed. In fact, he insists on talking with
them over a glass of freshly-squeezed orange juice. "You do indeed
have a most impressive station, Captain Sheridan," the modified
humanoid was saying. "Well, that's very gracious of you to say so.
And I must say what a pleasure it is to make first contact with a new race
such as yourself, and opening up these talks. I would like to know more
about what it would mean to be in one of your...How did you put it?"
"Networks." "Networks, yes. I sure do like having these
talks, especially over a nice cool glass of O.J." "Sir,"
Ivanova interrupted, coming into the room. "Now Ivanova, you know how
important first contact protocol is. I'm sure you'll learn that delicate
talks like these are nothing to interrupt, and blah blah blah yakkety
schmakkety." "It's just that the members of this...er, 'race'
are disrupting operations all over the station." "Okay. I'll
look into it." He and the humanoid left together, still talking.
"I do have a number of questions about this place, Captain. For
example: Why does the station rotate?" "Well, that's how we
achieve gravity." The alien looked at him blankly. "Gravity. You
know, what holds us down?" "Why do you need rotation for
that?" "Well...in space, there isn't any gravity." The
alien stared at him for a minute. "I do not understand. Gravity is
everywhere. Haven't you seen 'Star Wars'?" Sheridan gave up. Ivanova
happened to run across two of the humanoids, who were touring the station
together. Definitely not turning out to be her day. "Ah commander. My
colleague and I have been examining your facilities, and have found
numerous areas for improvement." Ivanova had to resist the urge to
throttle them. Who did they think they were? "Yes?" "Well,
specifically, your attire." "What's wrong with it? It's
regulation." "Well, your ratings and profitability would be much
better served by wearing this." She examined what he handed her. This
piece of--she hesitated to call it "clothing"--wasn't even big
enough to use as a dust rag. "I'm supposed to wear *this*????"
"Now," said the humanoid with a smile, "we can't have
someone of your obvious...stature covering up all that loveliness, can
we?" They both grinned, and looked her over. The next thing they saw
was a close-up of a bulkhead. "Oooh!" said the first one.
"Feisty, eh? I think maybe she'd work better in leather!"
"Oh, you are a genius!" said the other. "I know."
Then, someone walked by who made them laugh hysterically. "And just
*what* are you gentlemen laughing at?" Londo asked them. "That
hair!" said one. "Get a load of that hair!!!!!" They
continued laughing. "Hey! Stop that!!" Londo shouted. They
contained themselves enough to listen to him. "I'll have you know
that this is the hair of a great man!" They looked at each other. One
of them said to Londom "Does he know you;re wearing it?" and
they both fell down laughing again. "Mr. LaForge, your report?"
"All of our systems came back online after the ship activated its
field, as we predicted." "Mr. Worf?" "Ready,
sir." "All right then." Picard addressed his entire crew.
"As you are aware, our main objective thus far has been returning us
to our own universe. Now, we have regained the means to do so, but a far
more important matter has placed itself in priority. We must do everything
we can to defend this universe against the threat they pose. Soon our
friends here will realize the threat they pose, then they will require our
help, as we know how to defeat them. Are there any questions?" Riker
raised his hand. "Yes, Number One?" "Are we getting scale
for this?" The two observers passed by an auditoruim near the Zocolo.
The took a look at the show. Three people were on stage; a man with wild,
black hair, a young woman, and a man in a rat suit. "So," the
girl was saying, "*that*'s what LaGrange points are all about!"
"Bada-BING," said the man, "bada-BOOM, bada...BABYLON!!!!"
"Next question!" said the girl. An audience member in an Earth
FOrce uniform stood up. "Yeah, I'd like to know why, even though the
station's rotating, why we don't see the stars rotating in C&C?"
All three were silent. Finally, the man said, "You got us."
"Next!" said the girl. "You regurgitate 'em, I'll elucidate
'em, let's MAMBO!!!" A woman in the audience stood up. "Yes, I'd
like to know about the coriolis effect." "Hey!" the guy in
the rat suit jumped in. "There's no cause for *that* kind of language
here!" "No, no, Lester," The man said. "She wants to
know about the *coriolis* effect." "Oh. That's different, then.
Hey, what is that?" "I'm glad you asked, Lester. It's the effect
that, on a rotating station like this one, makes objects appear to do
weird things...like this." He plucked a hairball off of the rat suit
and threw it up and into the audience. "And...Za-Ha-DUM!!!" It
curved back to him and he caught it. "Hey!" the rat-man said.
"Boomerang lint!" The two continued to watch as the man and the
girl explained the coriolis effect and insulted the rat. "Too
in-depth. Too egg-head. No one will ever understand it." "You're
right," said the other. "Too high an intellectual level."
"It'll last a year," they both said together. Sheridan had to
field off complaint after complaint. Both Ivanova and Talia had been told
their wardrobes had to be...minimized. Dr. Franklin had been told he
needed to play alternative music in medlab and play with toy trains.
Garibaldi was told he should act more like Bruce Willis. And all of the
Earth Force officers were told they were to crush beer cans against their
heads. It was even creating an intergalactic incident with the
ambassadors. Delenn had to insist to them that that was *not* a barrette.
Londo was protesting being called a "buffoon." G'Kar was
offended at their suggestion that he use spot remover to "clear that
right up." And Kosh...Kosh merely said, "They do not belong
here. They must go...*now*." That, and something about wingless bats
scuttling at night. Sheridan had just managed to obtain order in the
council chambers when all three of the visitors entered. "Ah,
Sheridan!" said the leader. "We just thought you'd like to know
that we found *just* the thing you'll need to be a leader in *all* the
demographic areas!" "Sheridan sighed. "Okay, okay. What is
it?" "Two things," said the leader proudly. He told his
underlings to get them, and addressed the council as they left. "Now,
you will enjoy the ultimate in ratings and profitability. Give 'em what
they want." The first one returned with a small boy, who ran over to
Sheridan. "Hey! I wanna to into C&C! Can I see C&C? Can I
push some of the buttons? Can I? Can I? Can I?" The second one
returned with some sort of self-mobile device. A cheesily syntesized voice
said, "I am Zebo-X1. I am adorable. Both parents and kids love me.
And so do you. Especially when I make my funny noise. Keeba-keeba-keeba."
"All right," said Sheridan. "That's it. I want you people
the hell off my station, and the hell out of my univrese--NOW!!!!!!!"
How persistent are the visitors? Will they leave without a fight? Is this
the last known universe unaffected by their influence? How can Picard
& co. help? Find out in the next installment of...The Greater Enemy.
TheMadDoctor@cup.portal.com GFA/CA/MU/PA e++ d+ s++:- a- h--- C++ U+ 5+++
DENVER, NC USA <*> N++ w--- PS+ t+ R+ tv b++ DI+ PGP+ r+++ y+++ G
The Greater Enemy by Shane Killian Part 6 WE INTERRUPT YOUR REGULARLY
SCHEDULED PARODY FOR THIS IMPORTANT NEWS REPORT. All of the Earth Alliance
and many alien worlds are looking with interest to a situation on Babylon
5. ISN News has learned that a mysterious cybernetic race, calling
themselves "The Networks," has entered our universe with intent
to assimilate us and make all of us into its own kind. Almost all are
opposed to it, except most Earth Alliance senators, who think it might not
be such a bad idea. However, ISN News has learned that Captain John J.
Sheridan of Babylon 5 has considered Grid Epsilon quaranteened for the
duration of this crisis, with no ships--human or alien--entering or
leaving Babylon 5 space until the resolution of this crisis. Captain
Sheridan has given no indication of when we might expect that, just that,
"A plan is in the works." More on this story as it develops.
This is Sally Vacuum for ISN News. Picard left the shuttle bay and made
his way to the bridge in record time. He had to be ready the moment
Captain Sheridan gave the word. He quickly scrambled together an Away
Team, which was coincidentally made up of all the main characters, leaving
a young red-haired Ensign with bad acne in charge of the ship. On the trip
over, Geordi briefed them as to the exact plan. "Now, as we all have
discovered, the emergence of the Network vessel has caused us to regain at
least partial control over our technology, as well as causing other
impossibilities and inconsistencies to arise. We feel we can use this to
our advantage." Data took over. "Since both our technologies run
on the same theory, we should be able to exploit the situation when
required by employing our usual modus operandi, which, to coin the proper
human expression, is to 'make it up as we go along.'" Picard made
sure his team was ready to implement the plan at a moment's notice, then
watched as Riker piloted the shuttle towards Babylon 5, matching its
rotation, easing it forward, slamming off the side, spinning wildly, and
crashing into the landing bay. "Ha!" said Riker, rubbing his
fingernails against his tunic. "I still got it!" Sheridan, was
on his way to discuss the plan with Garibaldi, but was having trouble
getting the kid out of his hair. Literally. The kid was on his shoulders,
pulling his hair and screaming to be let into C&C. When he arrived, he
saw one of the the Network leaders talking with Garibaldi. "Any
resistance you may try is futile; we have always assimilated and made into
our own. It's what we do. We have been influencing your universe for some
time even before our arrival." "You mean what you did to Keffer?
The Doc says you zapped his intelligence our something. Is that what
you're going to do to all of us?" "It started long before that,
Mr. Garibaldi. But yes, our plans do include making you...more responsive
to the *right* way of doing things." He turned to leave. "Heed
my warnings, Chief. Resisting will only make it more unpleasant." He
left the room. Garibaldi eyed Sheridan's predicament and got an idea. He
lifted the kid from Sheridan's shoulders and said to him, "You see
that guy that just left?" "Uh huh?" the kid said.
"Well he's got something *really* nice for you."
"What?" Garibaldi told him. The kid ran out the door and down
the hall. "Hey, MISSS-TER!" "Thanks," said Sheridan.
"I owe you. What about that annoying little robot guy?"
"Hey, I gotta tell you--he makes for *great* target practice!"
Just then Garibaldi's link beeped. "Garibaldi, go." "Hey,
Chief, this is Lou Welch. We got a problem with that Q guy. He escaped
from his cell." Garibaldi sighed. "On my way." Sheridan and
Garibaldi arrived at the airlock at the front of the station. Q was
inside. "What the hell is going on?" said Garibaldi. "I was
trying to lure those Network guys in here," said Q. "Believe me,
they're nothing but trouble. Look what they did to *me* in Legend!"
"You're supposed to be in holding," Sheridan reminded him.
"I'm not your problem, Captain! Without my powers, I can't do much,
but I sill have my brains. And admit it, you puny humans are alike in all
universes--small-minded and mentally purile. Face it--you *need* my
help." "Hey, you know something?" said Sheridan. "I
know *everything*!" said Q. "You're a real pain in the
ass!" said Sheridan, and he hit the "Eject" button, sending
Q flying out into space. "Hey!" Q shouted back. "You
shouldn't space me, Johnny. My thirteenth cousin twice removed spaced me
once...*Once*!" and he drifted out of view. "Well," said
Garibaldi, "*that's* a relief!" They met with Picard and his
away team and managed to get back to C&C without much happening. They
concluded their conversation as they entered. "You mean, you took
your entire command crew with you? And left an Ensign in charge?"
"Only the most capable and distinguished get on the Enterprise,"
explained Picard, trying to ignore Riker picking his nose. "I assure
you, Ensign Neuman is quite capable of handling things. And he reacts to
stressful situations very easily." "Really?"
"Absolutely. In fact, his motto is, 'What, me worry?'" Six of
the humanoids, one representing each Network, entered the C&C and
collectively demanded their surrender...well, except for one of them who
had that annoying kid on his shoulder, pulling his ears and saying,
"I want an Eathter egg! I want an Eathter egg!" Sheridan turned
to Picard. "I think now is as good a time as any." Picard tapped
his badge so that Ensign Neuman could hear his crew's commands.
"Ensign," said Geordi, "activate the main deflector dish
and set its phase modulator inducer to the upper E-band."
"Now," said Data, "realign the plasma coil to a seven
degree trajectory." "Step up the Sonic Oscillator," said
Geordi. "Activate the Sonic Transducer," said Data, "and
secure all levels at zero." Sheridan looked out the window at the
scene. The Enterprise was surging with power. *Something* was happening.
"Now connect the warp coil to the pulse output relay on the...the...
the..." Geordi couldn't believe it. He was running out of steam.
"Quick!" he said. "Someone make up a good word!" There
was some stuttering and stammering for a few seconds, until Ivanova
blurted out, "Frazmolizer?" "Frazmolizer! That's
good!" said Geordi. "Connect the warp coil to the pulse output
relay on the Frazmolizer." The Enterprise was glowing bright blue,
and then it collected in front of the deflector dish and shot out towards
the Network vessel, hitting it in a spectacular array of fireworks. It had
no effect. "Ha!" said one of the Network leaders. "If
*that's* the best you can do, sit back...and watch *this*!" The
cube-shaped vessel surged with power and prepared to fire...But just as
the mind-zapping energy burst was about to begin, three new ships appeard.
Black and spider-like, they only hung around long enough to slice the
Network vessel into a million pieces, then disappeared again. Everyone
watched with jaws dropped. Finally, Ivanova said, "What the hell
happened?" "You must have upset someone very badly," said
Picard, amused. "I don't understand it...All we did was offer them
their own Saturday morning kids' show!" Do the Networks pose a threat
any longer? What will happen to their representatives? What about Q? Will
he be left floating around in empty space forever? Could we actually *be*
so lucky? Has everyone forgotten about Deanna, sitting bored in her
holding cell? Will Keffer regain his intelligence? How will everything
manage to straighten itself out? Find out in the conclusion of...The
Greater Enemy. TheMadDoctor@cup.portal.com GFA/CA/MU/PA e++ d+ s++:- a-
h--- C++ U+ 5+++ DENVER, NC USA <*> N++ w--- PS+ t+ R+ tv b++ DI+
PGP+ r+++ y+++ G The Greater Enemy by Shane Killian Part 7 Captain's log.
Stardate: A1&A2. With the resolution of the present crisis, I am
prearing my command crew do disembark from Babylon 5, and return home. Our
only obstacle is the release of Deanna Troi. Sheridan was mediating the
discussion between Bester and Picard outside Deanna's cell. It got very
heated, with Picard saying she didn't belong in this Universe and Bester
insisting she be controlled. Finally, Sheridan got them to agree to a
comprimise: Bester would mind-scan Deanna and see if she posed any threat
to this Universe that couldn't be solved by her leaving. "Are you
crazy?" said Deanna, speking up for the first time. "I'm not
having *him* in my head!" "I'm afraid," said Bester,
smiling, "that you have no choice." "I *can* defend
myself," said Deanna as she felt Bester's mind probe begin. "Oh,
*please*, I hope you're not going to recite Mary Had A Little Lamb. Such
amateurish defences are not enough against a PsiCop." Bester probed
further. He was just about inside her mind--quite a challenge, considering
the relative size (or lack thereof)--when a shearing burst skewed through
his own mind. It was caused by Deanna singing at the top of her lungs.
"DON'T TEAR MY HEART! MY ACHEY BREAKEY HEART!"
"Must...burrow...past...defences..." Bester was weakening.
"YOU KNOW I WOULDN'T UNDERSTAND!" Bester groaned. It was just
too much to take. "AND IF YOU TEAR MY HEART, MY ACHEY BREAKEY
HEART..." "All right!" Bester screamed. "You win! Go
back home. Do what you want. Just PLEASE STOP SINGING!!!!" He
breathed in, regained his composure, and left with as much dignity as
possible. Sheridan, himself, was not unaffected. "Ms. Troi, as much
as I like seeing someone get the best of a PsiCop, I'm afraid I'm going to
insist that you leave now without incident. I'm willing to be lenient, but
I should warn you that, aside from treason, singing that song is the only
crime for which spacing is considered appropriate punishment." As
Picard and crew prepaired (actually, after Riker's landing, it was more
like *re*paired) their shuttle for disembarking, Sheridan stopped by
MedLab on his way to C&C. "How's Keffer doing, Doc?"
"Not bad. I've been showing him vids of The X-Files. I think he's
coming around. I should have him back to normal shortly." "Glad
to hear it." And with that loose end resolved, he left MedLab, and
found the Network representatives there, held by Bester and two of his
cronies. "So," said Sheridan, "I take it you're going to
claim responsibility for these...Persons?" "With the loss of Q
and Ms. Troi, we couldn't very much go back empty-handed." "It's
not going to do you any good!" one of the Network reps said.
"There'll be others. You won't escape assimilation this easy."
"Why don't you just give it up?" said Sheridan. "You know
you're beaten." "Oh?" said the rep. "Then ask yourself
this: Why were the last 4 episodes of Season 2 delayed?" Sheridan
couldn't think fo a good answer. "Why isn't Season 1 being
repeated?" "Ummm...I don't make those decisions..."
"Because the viewers are stupid, of course! They can't handle a
simple cast change! You *know* you have to pander to mindless
simpletons!" That really got Sheridan's dander up. "Now look
here...I'll admit, there are some aspects where we treat the viewers in
less than congratulatory terms, but only superficially. What we're doing
is something that's rarely tried, especially by you Networks. It's called
Quality. Give the viewers a good story, and don't insult their
intelligence, and you give them Quality." The rep winced every time
he said that word. "Quality does not get the ratings, Sheridan."
"We'll see," said Sheridan. "We'll see." He turned to
Bester. "What will PsiCorp do with them?" Bester thought of the
best way to explain it, without giving away PsiCorp secrets.
"Occasionally, don't you military men resort to using people as...I
believe the phrase is...'cannon fodder'?" "Yes," said
Sheridan, uncomfortably, "occasionally we do." "Well, let's
just say that we have...similar needs." He gave Sheridan his famous
salute. "Be seeing you, Captain." As they left, Sheridan
chuckled. No one could comprehend what the PsiCorp might have in store for
them, but it wouldn't be pleasant. It was nice to know there was at least
a modicum of justice in the Universe. Sheridan entered C&C and asked
Ivanova for a report. "Bester's ship has already left, and the
Enterprise crew has returned to their ship, preparing to leave."
"Commander, we're getting a signal from the Enterprise."
Picard's face appeared on screen. "This is the Starship Enterprise to
Babylon Control. Permission to depart." "Granted," said
Sheridan. "And it was great working with you. You've given us some
valuable skills in case they try to attack us again." "it's nice
to know that their influence is not everywhere," said Picard.
"Farewell, Babylon 5." "Happy journey, Enterprise,"
said Sheridan. "You may proceed to jumpgate," said Ivanova. They
watched as the Enterprise flew to the jumpgate, and Sheridan thought he
saw something tiny following it--and recognized it immediately. "Am I
crazy, or is that Q?" "It certainly looks like Q, sir,"
said Ivanova. "What's he doing out there?" "Looks like the
backstroke." He was just about to comment on Ivanova's tasteless (and
old) joke, when he took a closer look--and noticed she was right! For all
the world, it looked like Q was *swimming* towards the Enterprise. Q used
what powers he had for all their worth. "Hey! Wait for me! I'm not
about to stick around here where I have no powers!" He just managed
to grip the back of the Enterprise as it went through the jumpgate, and
went on the ride of his life. "WOOOOOAAAHHHHH! WHAT A
WORLD!!!!!!!" The Enterprise came out into normal space. "All
readings appear normal," said Data. "But where are we?"
said Picard. What Universe? Did it work?" As if in answer to his
question, Q popped in, simultaneously causing party hats to appear on
everyone's heads and streamers fall from the sky. "Ah! Mon Capitan!
It's good to be home!" He started playing a polka on an accordion.
Picard sighed. Well, at least things were back to normal... The Babylon 5
crew had just seen the Enterprise fly through the jumpgate. "All
right, everyone, listen up!" said Sheridan. "I'm making an
executive order: Anyone caught crossing over into our universe is to be
dealt with, swiftly and efficiently. Do I make myself clear?"
"Yes, sir!" Everyone said that except for Garibaldi. Halfway
through Sheridan's sentence, Garibaldi felt himself being flooded with
electricity, and glowing with light--and wondered what the hell was going
on. Ivanova noticed him look dizzy, and stumbled. "Garibaldi, are you
all right?" He appeared disoriented. "What?"
"Michael," said Sheridan, "You don't look so good. Better
get yourself down to MedLab." Garibaldi looked around him, and said
two words, which, if only they had known, would have made chills run up
their spine: "Oh, boy." THE END Back
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