280 Ways to Confuse/Annoy Your Roommate

1.   Smoke jimson weed.  Do whatever comes naturally.
2.   Switch the sheets on your beds while s/he is at class.
3.   Twitch a lot.
4.   Pretend to talk while pretending to be asleep.
5.   Steal a fish tank.  Fill it with beer and dump sardines in it.  Talk to them.
6.   Become a subgenius.
7.   Inject his/her twinkies with a mixture of Dexatrim and MSG.
8.   Learn to levitate.  While your roommate is looking away, float up out of
     your seat.  When s/he turns to look, fall back down and grin.
9.   Speak in tongues.
10. Move you roommate's personal effects around.  Start subtlely.  Gradually
      work up to big things, and eventually glue everything s/he owns to the ceiling.

11. Walk and talk backwards.

12. Spend all your money on Jolt Cola.  Drink it all.  Stack the cans in the
middle of your room.
Number them.

13. Spend all your money on Transformers.  Play with them at night.   If your
roommate says
anything, tell him/her with a straight face, "They're more than meets the
eye."

14. Recite entire movie scripts (e.g. "The Road Warrior," "Repo Man,
"Casablanca,") almost
inaudibly.

15. Kill roaches with a monkey wrench while playing Wagnerian arias on a
kazoo.  If your
roommate complains, explain that it is for your performance art class (or hit
him/her with the
wrench).

16. Collect all your urine in a small jug.

17. Chain yourself to your roommate's bed.  Get him/her to bring you food.

18. Get a computer.  Leave it on when you are not using it.  Turn it off when
you are.

19. Ask your roommate if your family can move in "just for a couple of weeks."
20. Buy as many back issues of Wall Street Journal as you can.  Pretend to
masturbate while
reading them.

21. Fake a heart attack.  When your roommate gets the paramedics to come,
pretend nothing
happened.

22. Eat glass.

23. Smoke ball-point pens.

24. Smile.  All the time.

25. Collect dog shit in baby food jars.  Sort them according to what you think
the dog ate.

26. Burn all your waste paper while eyeing your roommate suspiciously.

27. Hide a bunch of potato chips and Ho Hos in the bottom of a trash can.
When you get
hungry, root around in the trash.  Find the food, and eat it.  If your
roommate empties the trash
before you get hungry, demand that s/he reimburse you.

28. Leave a declaration of war on your roommate's desk.  Include a list of
grievances.

29. Paste boogers on the windows in occult patterns.

30. Shoot rubber bands at your roommate while his/her back is turned, and then
look away
quickly.

31. Dye all your underwear lime green.

32. Spill a lot of beer on his/her bed.  Swim.

33. Bye three loaves of stale bread.  Grow mold in the closet.

34. Hide your underwear and socks in your roommate's closet.  Accuse him/her
of stealing it.

35. Remove your door.  Ship it to your roommate's parents (postage due).

36. Pray to Azazoth or Zoroaster.  Sacrifice something nasty.

37. Whenever your roommate walks in, wait one minute and then stand up.
Announce that you
are going to take a shower.  Do so.  Keep this up for three weeks.

38. Array thirteen toothbrushes of different colors on your dresser.  Refuse
to discuss them.

39. Paint your half of the room black.  Or paisley.

40. Whenever he/she is about to fall asleep, ask questions that start with
"Didja ever wonder
why...."  Be creative.

41. Shave one eyebrow.

42. Put your mattress underneath your bed.  Sleep down under there and pile
your dirty clothes
on the empty bedframe.  If your roommate comments, mutter "Gotta save space,"
twenty times
while     twitching violently.

43. Put horseradish in your shoes.

44. Shelve all your books with the spines facing the wall.  Complain loudly
that you can never
find the book that you want.

45. Always flush the toilet three times.

46. Subsist entirely on pickles for a week.  Vomit often.

47. Buy a copy of Frankie Yankovic's "Pennsylvania Polka," and play it at
least 6 hours a day.  If
your roommate complains, explain that it's an assignment for your primitive
cultures class.

48. Give him/her an allowance.

49. Listen to radio static.

50. Open your window shades before you go to sleep each night.  Close them as
soon as you
wake up.

51. Cry mate, go to sleep in his/her bed.


57. Put pornos under his/her bed. Whenever someone comes to visit your
roommate when
they're not home, show them the magazines.

58. Whenever you go to sleep, start jumping on your bed. Do so for a while,
then jump really
high and act like you hit your head on the ceiling.  Crumple onto your bed and
fake like you were
knocked out.  Use this method to fall asleep every night for a month.

59. If your roommate goes away for a weekend, change the locks.

60. Whenever his/her parents call and ask for your roommate, breathe into the
phone for 5
seconds then hang up.

61. Whenever he/she goes to shower, drop whatever you're doing, grab a towel,
and go shower
too.

62. Find out your roommate's post office box code. Open it and take his/her
mail. Do this for one   

   and say,
    "Well, it was fun while it lasted."

153.  Hang a tire swing from the ceiling.  Act like a monkey.  If someone
besides your roommate
comes in, cease acting like a monkey and claim that the tire swing was your
roommate's idea.
When you and    your roommate are alone again, continue acting like a monkey.

154.  Unplug everything in the room except for one toaster.  Pray to the
toaster.  Bring it gifts.
Throw some of your roommate's possessions out the window.  Say that the
toaster made you do
it.

155.  Challenge your roommate to a duel.  If he/she refuses, claim that you
have won by forfeit
and therefore conquered his/her side of the room.  Insist that he/she remove
all of his/her
possessions    immediately.

156.  Sign your roommate up for various activities (Campus tour guide, blood
donor, organ
donor).

157.  Start dressing like an Indian.  If your roommate inquires, claim that
you are getting in touch
with your Native-American roots.  If your roommate accuses you of not having
any Native-
American roots,    claim that he/she has offended your people and put a curse
on your
roommate.

158.  Wear your shoes on the wrong feet, all the time.  Constantly complain
that your feet hurt.

159.  Hit your roommate on the head with a brick.  Claim that you were trying
to kill a mosquito.

160.  Steal something valuable of your roommate's.  If he/she asks about it,
tell him/her that you
traded it for some magic beans.Give some beans to your roommate.

161.  Instead of turning off the light switch, smash the light bulb with a
hammer.  Put a new bulb
in the next day.  Complain often about the cost of light bulbs.

162.  Videotape yourself hammering a nail into a wall for a while, and then
stopping.  Play the
tape in your room.  Right before the hammering stops on the videotape, look at
the screen and
say, "Don't do that."

163.  Buy a lamp.  Tell your roommate it's a magic lamp, with a genie inside
it.  Spend a week
thinking about what to wish for.  At the end of the week, report that someone
has released the
genie from the lamp.  Blame your roommate.

164. Whenever your roommate brushes his/her teeth, watch him/her do so.  Take
notes.  Write a
paper on it, and circulate it around campus.  If your roommate protests, say,
"The people have a
right to know!"

165.  Collect potato chips that you think look like famous people.  Find one
that looks like your
roommate. Burn it, and explain, "It had to be done."

166.  Read the phone book out loud and excitedly ("Frank Johnson! Oh, wow!
837-9494!  Holy
cow!")

167.  Shadow box several times a day.  One day, walk in looking depressed.  If
your roommate
asks what's wrong, explain that your shadow can't box with you anymore due to
an injury.  Ask
your roommate if you can box with his/her shadow.

168.  When you walk into the room, look at your roommate in disgust and yell,
"Oh, you're here!"
Walk away yelling and cursing.

169.  Put up flyers around the building, reporting that your roommate is
missing.  Offer a reward
for his/her safe return.

170.  Buy a watermelon.  Draw a face on it and give it a name.  Ask your
roommate if the
watermelon can sleep in his/her bed.  If your roommate says no, drop the
watermelon out the
window.  Make it look    like a suicide.  Say nasty things about your roommate
at the funeral.

171.  Draw a chalk outline on the floor.  When your roommate comes in, say,
"Don't worry.  It's
nn your roommate's bed that say things like, "I know what
you did," and
"Don't think you can fool me."  Sign them in blood.

175.  Hold a raffle, offering your roommate as first prize.  If he/she
protests, tell him/her that it's
all for charity.

176. Make cue cards for your roommate.Get them out whenever you'd like to have
a
conversation.

177.  Talk like a pirate, all the time.  Threaten to make your roommate walk
the plank if he/she
doesn't swab the deck.  Arrrrrrrrrrrgh!

178.  Set up about twenty plants in an organized formation.  When your
roommate walks in,
pretend to be in the middle of delivering a speech to the plants.  Whisper to
them, "We'll
continue this later," while eyeing your roommate suspiciously.

179.  Buy a telescope.  Sit on your bed and look across the room at your
roommate through the
telescope.  When you're not using the telescope, act like your roommate is too
far away for you
to see.

180.  Keep some worms in a shoebox.  When doing homework, go and consult with
the worms
every so often.  Then become angry, shouting at the worms that they're stupid
and they don't
know what they're talking about.

181.  Watch "Psycho" every day for a month.  Then act excited every time your
roommate goes
to take a shower.

182.  Wear a paper hat.  Every time your roommate walks in, say, "Welcome to
McDonalds, can
I take your...Oh, it's just you."  Take off the hat, sit, and pout.

183.  Go through your roommate's textbooks with a red pen, changing things and
making
random corrections.  If your roommate protests, tell him/her that you just
couldn't take it
anymore.

184.  Leave the room at random, knock on the door, and wait for your roommate
to let you back
in.  If he/she asks about it, go on a tangent about the importance of good
manners.

185.  Hang a horseshoe above the door.  Make up stories about having had good
luck.  Then,
take the horseshoe down and wrap your head in bandages.  When you see your
roommate, look
above the door where the horseshoe used to be, hold your head, and mutter,
"Stupid
horseshoe...."

186.  Carve a jack-o-lantern.  Complain to your roommate that the
jack-o-lantern has been
staring at you.  The next day, tell your roommate that the jack-o-lantern
thinks he/she has been
staring at it.  Confide in your roommate that you really don't like the
jack-o-lantern, but you can't
convince it to move out.

187.  As soon as your roommate turns the light off at night, begin singing
famous operas as loud
as you can.  When your roommate turns on the light, look around and pretend to
be confused.

188.  Hang a basketball net on the wall.  Challenge your refrigerator to
basketball games, and
play them in front of your roommate.  Do so for about a month.  Confide in
your roommate that   

   245. ( this refers to 178.  Set up about twenty plants in an organized formation.  When your roommate walks in, pretend to be in the middle of delivering a speech to the plants.  Whisper to them, "We'll continue this later," while eyeing your roommate suspiciously.)

after having your roommate find you like this a few times, one night poke your
roommate with a pin while he sleeps.  Glue the pin, with your roommates blood
on it, to the leaves of one of the plants.  Glue normal pins to the leaves of
the other 19 and set them up surrounding your roommates bed.

246.  Hold Satanic ceremonies in the middle of the floor while your roommate
is going to sleep.  Set up a large pentagram painted in blood on the carpet. 
Light it on fire.  Sacrifice goats in the pentagram.  If your roommate says
anything in the morning look at the ground, mumble, and run away screaming
incoherently about the end of the world.

247.  dissect any stereo your roommate might have.  Put it back together by
gluing things toutensils around with hair on them.  Vomit often and complain
constantly of having an upset stomach.  if your roommate mentions the missing
hamsters start talking about golf or the weather.

251.  if you have all your hair, start wearing a toupee.  if you are bald or
almost so, wear one of those bald head-hat-type-things.

252.  crawl instead of walking.  nibble your food very nervously.  occasionaly
bite your roommate.

253.  eat glue.

254.  listen to death rock really loud and throw various types of fruits,
especially ones that will squirt nasty juicy stuff out, at the walls while
chanting something having to do with brutally murdering the person you live
with.

255.  watch CNN, The Weather Channel, The Golf Channel, that fish tank
channel, or the Byron Allen show 24 hours a day.

256.  spit a lot.

257.  Dye your hair the same colors as Dennis Rodman does.  start trash
talking to your roommate and never show up for "practice".

258.  collect anatomically correct dolls of the opposite sex.  play with them
a lot.

259.  collect dolls and display them by crucifying them to the wall and
scalping them with a swiss army knife.

260.  never admit to ANYTHING. (ie. did you just take a shower?  no comment. 
did you just go out on a date? absolutely not, why would you think that?)

261.  be repetitive.

262.  eat glue

263. spit a lot.

264.  collect your (or your roommates) dandruff in small sandwich bags.  keep
asking if your roommates scalp hurts.  if s/he says no say "DAMN!" and storm
off.

265.  practice voodoo on your roommate or anyone your roommate knows (ie.
parents, dates, friends)

266.  sing monty python songs.

267.  invite therapy groups for people driven to violence to be held in your
room.  if your roommate protests, say not to worry, and that only one of them
was convicted.

268.  wear dirty overalls and chew hay.  occasionaly try to milk your
roommate.

269.  become a trekkie.

270.  wear a pocket protector and use the computer all the time.  always talk
about ram and other computer stuff.  tell him in detail about your discussions
with another trekkie who thinks Captain Picard is better than that guy that
William Shatner played.
ridicule the other trekkie.

271.  insult people by calling them names like, poo-poo head, wee-wee brain,
or ca-ca doo-doo head, or any combination of those.

272.  complain about Gilligan's Island and The Beverly Hillbillies being
canceled very loudly.

273.  learn to juggle.  one day when your roommate is out, drop a juggling
ball out the window and "hang" yourself halfway out the window.  pretend to
have been hit in the head.  when your roommate comes in, tell him/her that
your invisible friend Bob got tired of your juggling.

274.  decide to become a clown.  

275.  dress up as a clown and tell your roommate that you're going to join the
circus.
leave with all of your stuff, and then come back late at night.  wake your
roommate up and tell him that they wouldn't take you.  Do this repeatedly for
a few weeks.

276.  (for cold weather places)  build a mini snow man and put it in a petri
dish.  leave it on the windowsill for two weeks.  hold impassioned debates
with it.  be the best of friends.  one day melt the snowman.  go out.  wait
until your roommate gets back and walk in.  look at the puddle of water and
scream.  fall to your knees crying and screaming at your roommate, "How could
you, you, you animal!!"  act like this until your roommate buys you a drink. 

277.  be naked a lot.

278.  get really fat and wear tacky, ill-fitting clothing.

279.  same as 278, except go around campus asking people out, telling them
that you are your roommate.  give them your roommates e-mail address, post
office box number, or whatever.  do so until your roommate has gotten at least
10 pieces of hate-mail.  for a challenge, don't stop until someone's
boy/girlfriend beats up your roommate.

280.  make a list of "1000 ways to...", and then only have 280.