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Chick Shit for Chic Chicks
by Melissa Paternik
(Editors note: Due to a legal ruling, we are not allowed to edit anything written
by Melissa. Read at your own risk.)
Finally my day has come! Hello, everyone!! My name is Melissa and this is my column! I am going to offer a women's
perspective of things and give out some wonderful tips on cooking, cleaning, the many uses of tampons and much,
much more!
I was given the opportunity to write this column by a local judge. I had sex many times with Bob who works for
this site, and since I gave birth to one of his children (supposedly), I requested that I be given a job writing
stuff. I could have asked for money to support Bob's (supposed) child, but I just wanted to write.
I live in a trailer park in a small town in Nebraska. I am currently married to a wonderful man named Ralph who
treats me really good. We have a total of 7 children, and one of them is actually Ralph's! He's told me that he
loves them all equally.
I am attending a local community college in order to get my GED. Ralph thinks I need a GED so that I can get a
job at the convenience store. Hopefully I will still be able to still write this column when I embark on my new
career!
Since I mentioned that I lived in a trailer park, a lot of you assumed that I have or have had crabs. Well, it's
true! I currently have crabs but I have a foolproof way to get rid of them forever! I have used this recipe many,
many times!!
Find out where the crabs are hanging out on your body. Circle the crab living area with a black or blue Bic pen.
Next, dump 2 tablespoons of Tabasco sauce on the "crab city", as I like to call it. Ralph thinks that's
cute.
The Tabasco will burn those little crabs! Wait a couple of minutes and smear chunky peanut butter over the same
area. It doesn't matter what kind of peanut butter you use. I like the store brand personally.
You will need to protect this area from getting wet. Grab some newspaper and cover the area and make sure you use
plenty of duct tape so the newspaper doesn't get loose.
After three days you can take off the newspaper and peel away the peanut butter/Tabasco mixture. Voila! No more
crabs!
I thrive on your feedback and will answer any questions you might have! Thanks for reading!
| ...Chick Shit for Chic Chicks! - Archive for 11/29/00 |
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Chick Shit for Chic Chicks
by Melissa Paternik
This past Thanksgiving, we did not have the traditional turkey because I could
not catch and kill our pet turkey that roams around our park yard in the trailer park.
Instead, I rummaged around the kitchen cupboards and found some elbow macaroni and some squirt cheese. I asked
Ralph if that would be an acceptable dinner and he agreed after hitting me a couple of times. I love that man!
Since our one good pan had a hole in it, I used an old electric coffee pot that Ralph had in the shed. He was trying
to grow something in it, but after I dumped the dirt out, I found that it would work just fine.
I dumped 3 cups of water into the pot and waited for it to boil. As I waited for it to boil, Ralph told me to go
to the store and pick him up a quart bottle of beer. He also told me to get myself something pretty.
I browsed around the store for about an hour and finally picked out a Chick-O-Stick for myself, and picked up the
beer. When I got home the water had just started to boil.
I dumped half of the package of elbow macaroni in the coffee pot and stirred it occasionally. Every so often I
would scoop a macaroni out to check to see if it was tender enough.
It took about two hours before I was satisfied with the macaroni tenderness. I drained the water out with an old
rag and squirted the string cheese in and mixed the macaroni and cheese together with a spoon.
Since it was a holiday, I knew that I would need to put some sort of meat product in with the cheese and macaroni.
I found a Slim Jim in a pocket of Ralph's coat and cut it into little pieces and mixed it in.
I gave Ralph the coffee pot with the meal and let him dig in knowing he would let me have the rest! He is especially
nice on the holidays.
So, there you go, a new recipe for Thanksgiving, and it only takes about 3 hours! Enjoy!
NEXT WEEK: A personal
hygiene tip!
Look for a new Chick Shit for Chic Chicks, each and
every Wednesday.
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