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Chick Shit for Chic Chicks
by Melissa Paternik
I was going to write something to do with hygiene tips, but I am having problems
with my GED studies so I decided to discuss that instead.
I always thought that the GED test was the same for everyone, but I was wrong. I was taking a practice test and
I was having a problem with one of the questions and I asked my husband Ralph to help me with it but he refused
and told me that I had to figure it out myself because it would build character.
I called Angeliquisha, my friend from class, and asked her if she knew the answer to question number 27. She told
me she would be right over and that we could work on it together.
When she came over we sat at the kitchen table and opened our books to question 27:
"If you had 200 cockroaches in your trailer home, and one of the four springs under the trailer home were
to break and 75 cockroaches were living on the left side of the trailer home and 125 were living on the right side
and the spring that was broken was the back left spring, how would you divide the cockroaches so that the trailer
home would not rock?"
Angeliquisha was surprised because question number 27 in her book was totally different:
"If you were to leave home with have a tank of gas in your Cadillac with 10 full clips containing 12 bullets
and 3 handguns and you were to drive 15 miles at 45 mph and shoot 2 clips out the back window while performing
a drive by shooting and you lost one clip through the shattered back window during the police pursuit, how many
miles could you go before you were pulled over and videotaped for an episode of "Cops", if the Cadillac
only got 7 mpg and the gas tank was punctured with a bullet from a .44?"
Very interesting, we thought. But maybe the educational people handed out different tests to everyone so that no
one would be able to cheat while they took the test. I don't really know, I am still having problems with my question
and the test is next Wednesday.
If I pass the test, Ralph said he would take me to the local Chuck E Cheese for a celebration and then he would
try to inject me with some of his baby making juice. I am keeping my fingers crossed.
I have to go and make Ralph dinner because it is bowling night.
NEXT WEEK: Do I pass?
| ...Chick Shit for Chic Chicks! - Archive for 11/29/00 |
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Chick Shit for Chic Chicks
by Melissa Paternik
I failed the GED miserably. I do not know if it was
because I was tired since I was up all night serving Ralph and his poker buddies, or if it is because I am incredibly
stupid. I think it could be the former, but it might also be the latter.
When I was informed that I had failed, I was depressed. I knew that Ralph would not take me to Chuck E Cheese to
celebrate and, most importantly, I would not be able to work at the local convenience store.
Ralph was kind of understanding, in his own way. He does not believe in "spare the rod", but I appreciate
him for putting everything in perspective.
I decided that I would try and get a job at the local go-go bar. When I told Ralph he laughed and said my breasts
were way to small. That kind of hurt my feelings but I decided to give it a go.
I was immediately hired to be a dancer. I worked for 8 hours my first day and Ralph was very surprised and very
happy when I showed him how much I made in tips.
He held the 5 dollar bill for the longest time with the happiest smile I had ever seen. He told me that if I made
this much every night that soon we would be able to move from the trailer park into a spacious 1 room apartment!
I was so happy that I burst into tears.
We decided to celebrate so Ralph told me to run down to the store and pick him up a pack of smokes and a quart
of beer. It made me so proud to buy these things with my own money, I tell you!
The next day I made only $3.00 but Ralph told me that I could work a double shift the next day to make up the difference.
As it happens, tomorrow is that next day and I have to get my rest, right after Ralph shows me what he means by
"style of the doggie".
Next week: I take you
Christmas shopping!
Look for a new Chick Shit for Chic Chicks, each and every Wednesday.
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