Title: Diary of Dawn
Author: kbk
Disclaimer: "Buffy the Vampire Slayer", “Angel” and all characters are owned by Joss Whedon, Mutant Enemy and various other people and companies. Not me. I make no money from this.
Rating: G
Summary: Dawn's diary. Part 1 - post-Entropy. Part 2 - post-most-of Seeing Red. For my purposes, she stopped writing her diary after the burning incident, and has only just started again.
And the Dawnmeister Chronicles recommence…
Xander called them that. Xander, my big sister’s second best friend. Xander who I had a crush on for years. Xander who left his fiancée at the altar. Fiancée who subsequently… I still can’t believe they did that. Spike and Anya… just, ew! No! I mean, same goes for Spike and Buffy, but at least he loves her. But does the fact that she hates him cancel that out? Confusing. I think she’s still crazy from being resurrected, though.
They wouldn’t have resurrected me. I don’t blame them for it. There would be no reason for them to resurrect me. I could have stayed dead just fine. Buffy would have missed me, sure, but she’s been getting by all right barely registering that I’m around. Give her two months and she’d have forgotten all about me. She…
What if when I died, all the spells ended? So I wasn’t her sister any more? So they’d only known me for a couple of months? They would remember that they had false memories, I think, but… All their memories changed to add me when the monks made me. When I was unmade, would their memories change back? Would their recent memories change to get rid of me? Would it be like I never existed at all?
Spike might remember. The spells around Glory/Ben didn’t work on him, they said, so maybe he’ll remember. There’s not much for him to remember lately, but there was the summer, and before that he liked me, so… he might. He did like me – it wasn’t just my imagination. He helped me with the spell (and how stupid of me was that? Aside from it was a zombie spell, look at how well the only resurrection around here turned out. It never even crossed my mind that she might be happier where she was, selfish brat that I am. Oh. Right.) You don’t know about that. Mom died – aneurysm. And I did a really bad job of dealing. So did Buffy, but… Yeah. I found a spell to bring her back, kinda – Spike helped. Took me to this creepy old guy who… getting ahead of myself. I did the spell. Spike got whacked but good getting ingredients. Spell worked but it wasn’t really her so I ended it. Then this whole mess to do with me being the Key and being hunted by Glory and Glory being inside Ben (and how screwy is it that I liked him and he was a nice guy (until he decided to trust Glory and save his own skin by sacrificing me)) and then I was chained to the top of a tower wearing this weird old dress (which was kinda pretty) and Buffy stopped Glory but creepy old demon guy showed and cut me to open a portal to a hell dimension with my blood. Spike showed and got thrown off the tower. Buffy showed and killed the demon but the portal was opening. And she threw herself into it to close it.
And we were depressed all summer.
And then Willow brought her back and we were all happy but she wasn’t. Then Xander summoned a music demon and everyone thought I did it (because I’m the only person who does stupid stuff like that around here) and he was going to take me back with him to be his queen but then he didn’t because it wasn’t me that summoned him, it was Xander, and we found out that she’d been in heaven. And that makes sense, thinking about it, because she saved the world so many times, but nobody thought of it like that. But I guess it was a portal to hell, so… And she got a job and now I never see her. And Willow went crazy with the witchcraft and took me to this freaky place with scary people and when she came out she was high, she so was. And this demon chased us and I fought it off even with a broken arm. Well, till Buffy showed to save the day. So now Willow’s not doing magic any more – I guess it’s kinda like rehab. And Tara left her just before that because she was overdoing magic. And Giles left again. And Xander left Anya at the altar.
Oh yeah, somewhere in there was another of my greatest moments – said “I wish” to a woman I didn’t know and she turned out to be one of Anya’s old vengeance demon pals, so we all got stuck in the house. And they found out I’m a klepto.
It’s about freakin’ time!
I know they all have their own lives and their own problems which are all so much worse than mine, but still… You’d think Anya would have noticed the missing stock. Or maybe one of the three girls living with me would have noticed my new clothes. Or gone into my jewellery box to borrow something. Honestly, they don’t pay any attention to me unless I do something remarkably stupid (see above).
Oh, but now I get the talks on responsibility or whatever – it’s the price I have to pay. Along with being mocked.
Mom would have noticed. Mom listened to me ‘cause I was her baby. I miss her. I want to tell her stuff, and then I remember I can’t ‘cause she’s dead. It’s not as bad as it was. And now I don’t have to mourn Buffy as well, I guess it’s easier.
I wonder what it would be like to be dead. Well, obviously you’d be in heaven/hell/wherever, so… I mean, what would it be like to be dead but still here? Be a vampire, I guess. But forgetting the whole biting people thing. Ew. Because when I lie awake at night I can hear my breathing and feel my heartbeat all through me, and it would be so freaky not to have that. Sometimes it feels like I’d prefer it, because I’d finally get some peace. Also, if you’re dead, you don’t have to deal with all these people.
Then again, look at Spike.
OK, so I still have a crush on him. Despite everything he’s done. But he’s cute and he’s funny and he looked after me so well. And now… I don’t know when, where or why he went wrong but I have a feeling it’s got something to do with Buffy. She’s such a bitch to him. I shouldn’t say that about my own sister, but it’s true. Just because I love her doesn’t mean I have to like her. I like Spike. Well, like he was up until a couple of months ago.
The only person I still like totally is Tara. ‘Cause, really, how can I not? OK, she’s maybe a little over-protective and I don’t like that she split up with Willow (but they’re getting back together, I think, which is so cool and I helped!) but she made time for me after she did and she’s always sensible about things. And I think she’d teach me some spells if I asked her nicely enough.
I suppose I should like Anya too, but she’s so difficult sometimes. And she raided my room – when we were all stuck in the house, remember? And I know I wanted caught, but c’mon – I gave Buffy a present I couldn’t afford with the security tag still attached. I don’t see how I could have been more obvious, except maybe by standing up and screaming “I’m a klepto!” Honestly, these people have no clue. And I don’t think they even care.
I could be slashing my wrists right now. Who’s gonna find me? Buffy might notice that I’m not up for school in the morning, if she’s not off at the Grease Palace already and she gets her mind off the fact that everyone knows her little secret. Willow’s got her head in the clouds over Tara and the possibility of getting back together. I don’t see the rest of them too often. So that leaves Janice.
Janice is OK, but more someone to hang with than an actual friend. But she’d probably notice I was off and skip Math to come see me. But she couldn’t get in the house. So I guess it’s back to Buffy.
I’m not going to, obviously, I’m just wondering. I wouldn’t have the guts. Also, the people around me are acting way too like they’re in a soap and I kinda want to see what happens next. I guess I should go and work or something. I might come back to this later – might not. It’s surprisingly easy to quit something like this even after doing it for years. But, yeah, work. I’ll go.
