| What have we here? A sing song? A singy song? Sing along!
99 bottles of PWA on the wall, 99 bottles of PWA, take one
down and pass it around, 98 bottles of PWA on the wall...
1 bottle of PWA on the wall, 1 bottle of PWA, take one down and pass it around, no more bottles of PWA on the wall.
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So why are we singing like crazy lunatics? Well, other than the fact that we're crazy lunatics, the Asylum has adopted Methos's Pete's Wicked Ale! Go check out what else has been adopted at the Highlander Adoption Agency. |
And now, in honor of Methos and beer, originally posted
at Rysher's Highlander forum back in '98 by various fans--and
compiled for your pleasure--it's the Methos beer parodies!
Methos: Drinking and not drinking. Byron knew that, too.
His life had become lived in alcoholism.
Duncan: We all know how those end.
Voice over of Byron: "My beer is gone, my drinking has ceased, my bladder has shriveled, it is not fit."
D: Your friend's a mess
M: He's a drunk
D: He's pathetic
M: Very easy to think that way. You ever thirst for beer,
MacLeod? Byron feels thirst like that every day. Twenty thousand
beers screaming his name -- it's not enough to fill the bladder
inside him. He always wants more, he always needs more. You
know Van Gogh, Mozart, James Dean - messed up guys.
D: Yeah, Da Vinci, Elvis - normal guys, and still great bartenders
M: And Byron is also a great bartender. He's given the world
great beer.
D: But at what price?
M: Where's Alexa?
J: She called in drunk.
M: Where does she drink?
J: Adam, she doesn't want to see you. Okay? Just leave her alone.
M: Joe, I didn't ask for your opinion. I know she's drinking, okay? You're all drinking, 20 beers, 6 shots, what's the difference?
J: She's protecting herself, she's protecting you. Don't you get it?
M: Yes, I get it. Now tell me where she drinks.
M: Hi, am I drunk?
A: Only about a year. You shouldn't have come.
M: Hiding your beer in there, is that what's going on? Miller? Coors? Budweiser?
A: That's exactly what I'm doing. Hiding my beer, my Miller, my Coors, and my Budweiser.
M: I can drink them all up! I'm not afraid.
A: I shouldn't have agreed to drink with you. It's stupid really.
M: Why?
A: Because you don't need to be a witness to what I'm drinking. It's going to get pukey.
M: You look sober to me. Look, whatever it is you've been
drinking, I can handle it, if you let me.
A: Why would you want to?
M: Because the alternative is undrinkable. How many?
A: More than one beer. I don't know. Do you ever just wish our bladder can handle more? [Methos holds up Beer coupons to Alexa]
A: Beer coupons?
M: Whatever you like, every brand if there's time.
A: It's not that easy.
M: Yes it is. You spend whatever time you have left rehabilitating or you spend it drinking...with me. Please say you'll drink with me, Alexa.
M: I've had all the drinking I could use.
D: Maybe you should've kept it to yourself.
M: Sorry, I must've passed out, what is it we're talking about?
D: All that booze you're feeding Richie.
M: Right, and what booze would that be?
D: Oh, you know, start drinking, lay down your sword, give booze a chance. Ring a beer?
M: Wow, so it's here is it?
D: What's here?
M: The Fuzzy Navel.
D: The what?
M: I've never actually tried the drink. But I've heard rumors. It wanders around spreading its intoxication to to other immortals.
D: Using belly button lint?
M: Well, it's not like it's got a patent or anything.
D: Sounds like the drink's starting a bibacity or something. What about this line about barflies and alcoholics? What's that all about?
M: Well, maybe it's just exactly what it sounds like it is.
D: Buying someone a drink only gets you slapped with the bill.
M: But it's got such a nice taste to it. No more feeling, no more sobriety. Crapulence and alcoholism. Don't tell me you never fantasized about that? Some young non-alcoholic's always going to fall for it.
D: Richie has.
M: Voila.
D: He thinks the drink's some kind of potation.
M: Well, who's to say it isn't?
D: You are! This drink's a fraud!
M: Look, there are enough drinks out there that have a lot
of head for what they are. Now, I say, if there's one more,
let it.
D: Even if it gets him drunk?
M: Yeah. Navel imitation is the sincerest form of tipsiness. *changing subject* ...look at this bucket. Whatever happened to craftsmanship. I've only put 1000 vomits in it...
D: You're gonna convince Richie that this drink is fake.
M: What makes you think he will believe a drunk?
D: Because, you are going to be very sober.
M: I left the bar for this.
R: Old-timer, you got any words of wisdom for me?
M: Drink.
M: I know you don't want to hear this, but she may already be drunk.
D: If he wanted her drunk he would've done it inside the bar. *finds note*
M: Oh, please tell me that's not written in wine.
D: It's Amanda's vomit.
M: That's a nice touch. Okay, I'm going to phone Joe, see if he's thrown up anything.
D: He won't be conscious.
M: Why not?
D: It's from Joe's bar.
M: First Amanda, now Joe, I see a very drunken pattern developing here.
D: This is where it stops.
M: Don't go MacLeod.
D: I have no wine.
M: That is intoxicatingly inaccurate, all right! I will drink with you.
D: It's his vintage, the note says '79.
M: Vintage? What vintage? You think Orork is taking Amanda and Dawson to drink by some set of vintage wines?
D: He'll intoxicate them.
M: Yes, and he will intoxicate you too.
D: Not if I can help it. It's his winery. This is where this conversation ends.
M: Don't go, MacLeod. It's a trap, MacLeod. MacLeod, your wine is on fire. Doesn't matter what I say, does it? Well, I've only been drunk for 5000 years, what would I know about it?
D: I'm getting them sober.
M: Are you playing the barmaid, or are you being the bailiff?
D: Whatever it takes, whatever I have to do, I'm keeping them sober.
M: People get drunk, MacLeod. Immortals get drunk.
D: Yeah, but not because of me, not anymore.
M: That beer bottle is a lovely piece of glass. May I?
*Duncan hesitates*
I drank my best shot this morning.
*Duncan hands it over*
Quite a brand.
*holds beer bottle away from Duncan*
D: Not funny Methos.
M: Not meant to be. Not only are you drunk, now you are beer-less.
How do you stay drunk this long? Do you know how many beers
she's stolen? Do you want a list?
D: All right, you've made your point.
M: Have I? One day she's going to steal your beer from you.
D: She's tried already.
M: You're drinking better than her, yes. You're much more
of a drunk than her, yes, But if you keep letting her drink
with you, one day she gets lucky and takes your beer, yes!
D: Oh, I don't know. Maybe she'll stop to puke like you. *knocks
beer away from Methos*
M: Great! You knocked away a fine beer because I made a bad
joke, very sober...But if you keep letting her drink with
you, without even taking a shot...that's suicidal.
D: You know what she was to me.
M: [A drinking buddy] Yes! And I know what she is. A drunk.
You treat her like one.
Everclear...you almost had it Luther. The thought of you becoming
all drunk scares the hell out of me even now. But is it really
possible that it could make an ordinary human slobbering drunk?
There's only one way to find out.
You think it takes courage to do what I do? Face another drunk with a beer knowing only one of us will puke? You try being me! You try drinking one beer knowing it'll soon run out. Knowing that when it comes down to the final bottle, no matter how many beers you had, whatever brand you drink, you still puke! That's the way it is for me! So little time for me to drink everything and puke them all out.
I think I'd better drink.
Do you think that the alcoholics didn't know the bartenders were human? Do you think that I didn't know the barmaids were? I have listened to the screams of drunks being thrown out of bars that they had gone to for
years because suddenly they ran out of money. To admit they were wrong it would have to admit that they were alcoholics. It's easy for them to pretend we're all drunks and just let the drinking go on.
So I'm a little weak on milk trivia. Well, what the hell
are Oreo's in the grand scheme of things anyway? I mean, I
know how to make beer, Caesar's favorite brand, I know Helen
of Troy was a drunk but she only had 100 beers, not 1000...
Steven Keane: You drunk!
M: Beers and nuts...
Nathan: Looking for something specific?
M: Just doing some drinking.
N: Oh? For whom?
M: For me.
N: And you are?
M: Adam Beerson.
N: Ah, yes, you're suppose to be working on the Coors Chronicles.
M: And you are?
N: Your boss, Nathan Stone...What do you want with the Budweiser files, hmm?
M: I was just doing some drinking...I though it might've crossed paths with Coors.
N: It didn't
M: As you used to be a drunk I guess you should know.
N: So you'll be finished with this *takes beer away*
M: Ah...there is just one thing...the flavor Budweiser had, I thought we kept it?
N: It's in the Watcher Brewery.
M: Really, can I taste it?
N: Of course.
I was the drunk who kept Joe's bar awake at night. And I was a good drunk. And it wasn't for MacLeod, it wasn't for beer-nuts, it was because--I like beer!
Talk about the drunk leading the alcoholically intoxicated.
I was drunk 10,000,067...no, 10,000,068 times!
Look at that, Watchers holed up in a gay bar, afraid they're going to be intoxicated by immortals. Is it just me or is there some drunken irony in that?
Beergram!
Bright Beer
M: Nice day for it - not too hot, beer's nice and cold
D: Amanda's got a big keg
M: She's worried about you
D: And you?
M: Oh, me no. Just scholarly interest. I just came by to watch the perfect immortal dry out.
D: I'm not
M: Not what, not the perfect immortal or not going to dry out?
D: Go do a shot!
M: We're none of us sober MacLeod. Not me, not you, not even Darius
D: You should have another beer
M: Well maybe I should. Just so long as I'm not drinking alone. The hangover Keane hates you for happened. Jumping on the wagon is not going to change that. You do a shot MacLeod. It's part of who you are.
D: Are we talking about me here?
M: You know, Keane is just like you. He wants to divide drunks up into beer drinkers and boozers. Well it's not that simple. We all drink both, shots and beer, we have Tequilla and Budweiser, we have Michelob and Kamikazis, we have Coors and Shnapps - a good buzz and hangovers. Why don't you try sleeping it off, for once.
D: And why don't you try cutting yourself off, for once? Tell
Amanda to do the same.
M: She can't say I wouldn't buy.
D: Five thousand beers.
M: Yeah, give or take. And that was when I drank my first beer. Before that, it all starts to blur.
D: I guess it would. So have you, uh
M: Been rehabilitated? Found an AA around?
D: What? You read minds, too?
M: No, it's what I'd ask if I just met me.
D: I just didn't think you'd last a hangover.
M: Ahh, it's good to be a drunk.
D: Yeah, no one hunts for a drunk in rehab.
M: What better place to hide? I'm in charge of finding myself, and I make sure it never happens. Even got a few beer caps for my collection.
D: You collect them?
M: I've been collecting them almost since beer was invented.
D: That would make a hell of a collection.
M: You could say that. How many people could say they've drank in the same bar with Julius Caesar and the Rolling Stones?
D: So you know about Kalas?
M: Yeah, he stole my friend's beer.
D: Yeah, now he'll be coming for your beer.
M: You think I'd still be drunk if I was an easy mark?
D: When was the last time you drank a cold one?
M: Uh, what time is it? 6 o'clock? 2 hours ago.
D: Oh, that's good.
M: Hey, I might be a little sober but I'm still tipsy.
D: Well, let's keep it that way. I'll stay close.
M: You cannot drink my beers for me, MacLeod.
Do you know anything about tequila, MacLeod? Well, there are stronger things in the world, if you look, and Kronos looked. He's brewed an alcohol, no cure, it's very exotic. He's got cages of monkeys he's been
testing it on. He's got enough to inebriate half of Europe. Now, a little bit in a fountain will only inebriate a few, but it's a start.
K: Tell me you haven't missed it.
M: The drinking?
K: The freedom! The power! Drinking out of the sun, knowing
that you're the most stupifying thing that they'd ever seen,
knowing that their coffees and their slaps in your face are
useless against you. That they're the last thing you'll see
before you pass out. That's what you were meant to be, Methos.
Don't fight it, drink it.
You sound just like Don. He loved milk; he really hated
alcohol. I never even thought he knew what a Bloody Mary was,
let alone how to make one!
D: You Adam Beerson?
M: *hiccup* Duncan MacLeod of the *hiccup* clan MacLeod. Have a beer *hiccup* ...or seven.
D: 5000 years!
M: Give or take. That was when I drank my first beer. Before that it was a lot clearer.
D: Yea, I guess it would be. So have you...
M: Made any beer of it? Found any beer?
M: I've been drinking almost since drinking began.
D: That would make a hell of a mess.
M: You could say that. Not many people have gotten wasted with Julius Caeser and the Rolling Stones.
D: When was the last time you were sober?
M: What are we...6th of March...uh...200 years.
D: Oh, that's good.
M: Hey, I may be a bit drunk, but I'm still here.
D: Well let's keep it that way, I'll stay close.
M: You can not keep my bottle from me MacLeod.
J: Damn it! You said you had everything, you got all the beer!
M: I thought I did!
J: Well, apparently not! What the hell was that anyway?
M: Don and I were working on an interactive database. All our favorite beers in one handy easy to access file.
M: Beer companies rise and fall, Joe. Remember the old Chinese curse...
J: Yea, may you live in sober times, well, things just got really sober.
J: Where you gonna go?
M: Tribune. I'm gonna see Clancy.
J: The editor? You can't stop this now.
M: Spin control. I'm can give him a few beers, reduce his hand-eye coordination.
It's a hell of a thing to be a drunk, MacLeod, and that's what Kalas wants, he's pushing all the beer your way.
Life is about drinking, vomit rises and falls
So I'm a little weak on milk history. Well, what the hell
is Shamrock Farms in the grand scheme of things anyway!? I
mean I know how many ounces are in a can of beer, I know Caesar's
favorite beer, I know Helen of Troy didn't have that great
a wine collection, and I also know she only drank 100 beers,
not 1000.
K: It's been a long time. How are you feeling?
M: Like I left my beer in San Francisco.
K: I didn't know you still drank. Does it hurt.
M: What do you think?
K: Since you ask, I think you're not used to being sober, brother. What's happened, you got soft?
M: I just passed through my AA meetings a little quicker than you, Kronos.
K: For a long time I thought you were dead. I didn't even bother looking for you. Then I heard rumors: Methos, the world's drunkest man.
Do you know who I was? I was beer! Hahahiccuphahaha! Beer, beer on a horse.
One of 1000 beers, MacLeod, one of 1000 beers.
Standard response toward unforeseen dilemma perfected over many centuries...drink.
M: ...and incidentally, it wasn't outside the forum either it was in the drunketorium.
J: In the drunketorium?
M: The place you went to get drunk after you got drunk.
J: You mean they actually did do that?
M: You drink a 17 coarse meal where the main garnish is honey coated beer and beer brains...we drank, we drank, we drank some more.
Duncan: You know, I don't know who or what you are, Methos,
and I know you don't want to hear this, but you did teach
me something, you taught me that life's about drinking; about
learning to accept beer from anyone, good or bad, and I thank
you for that.
A: I came to drink and you set me up again!
M: What?!
A: Even if you kill me, Methos, you're never gonna get my beer.
M: Amanda, I need the beer!
You try living one year knowing that your beer is running
out. *hiccup* Knowing that when it comes down to the final
drink *hiccup* however drunk you are, whatever beer you have,
you still lose! *hiccup* That's the way it is for them. So
little time for them to drink anything or *hiccup* drink anything.
Not my beer! Not...no...nice kitty, nice kitty. Please kitty, don't step there, kitty. No, not my beer!
(On being a Watcher concerning Immortals) It was a way to keep track of the others, to stagger clear of them.
K: So, you're drunk.
M: What'd you think I'd do? Run and get sober? Go somewhere I couldn't get drunk?
K: No, you're too drunk for that. You know that I'd get you
drunk, no matter how long it took, and then I'd get you drunker.
M: Well, it's nice to feel wanted.
K: Not want, need. A dozen times I tried to take up the old ways, but I failed. The others I got drunk with were trash, scum. I had no one to plan my keggers, no one who understood the true use of vodka. You were one of a kind, Methos. As we all were.
M: A couple of medieval drunkards come up with the idea of hangovers one drinking day.
D: This isn't about hangovers...
M: ...and you embrace it as a lifestyle. You live and drink
for a glass of beer that was brewed when you were a kid.
M: I s'pose that's true. You've drank for centuries. After all, you must have drank a lot. Ale, hard liquor, that sort of thing.
Fake Methos: Truth is, my drinking is very controlled.
M: Yes, I've heard of your drinking. Do you really think there's no such thing as hangovers?
Fake Methos: Can anyone live for 5000 years and say they drank nothing, cocktailed nothing, merely stayed sober? It'd be pointless.
Duncan: I dislike hangovers, but there are things that I dislike more than hangovers --
Methos: - therefore there are occasions when I will not avoid
beer.
M: What I’ve done you can't forgive, it's not in your nature. Well, you accept it.
D: Accept what? That a friend I trusted my beer to slobbered on innocent people for what? A few skins of cahluah?! What are you gonna tell me, Methos, that's how the world was?
M: No, the world was how we made it!
D: No, the world was how you chose to make it! How you chose to slobber on her people and inebriate her village.
M: Methos, I presume.
FakeM: So they tell me. *hiccup*
M: You know it's, um, staggering, I was always told that you were sober, and yet you look very, very drunk. Tell me, is it true that you were a taster of Socrates' wines?
FM: Oh, I've had many wines.
M: And, um, I've always wondered, Cleopatra's beer, what was it really like?
FM: It was beer, it was made, it was stored, it was drunk.
M: Yea, speaking of drunk...you seem very tipsy.
FM: We all get tipsy.
M: Yes, but you a little more than me I drink. I mean, a lot of people might want the head of a 5000 year old drunk.
FM: A lot of people might want to party with a 5000 year old drunk.
D: But you had to know Kronos would come for you one day.
M: I tried not to drink about it.
D: You could have billed him for the alcohol, why didn't you?
M: I wanted to! But we were drinkers, in bars, in suds, in everything except sobriety, and if I judge him worthy to pay then I judge myself the same way, and wanted to drink. I still do.
M: It was a simple choice, milk or beer. And since I don't
give a damn about milk, it wasn't
that difficult to make.
D: Yes, I guess it wasn't.
M: I'm a drunk, MacLeod, alcoholics know milk is the real killer and I want you to drink beer to stay alive. You can't have both of them.
D: Ah you're right. You can't have both of them. You're either a cow lover or a barley brewer. Got it?
M: A little vodka, a few shots of hard liquor. The guy is
either delusional, or he is a drunk...and you are drinking
it.
D: I'm not drinking anything.
M: No? One drink from the drunk one and you forgive Culbraith.
I mean, what's next, friendship drinking, the love barf?
D: I haven't forgiven him, he just made me drink, that's all.
M: Ooooooh! I'm just saying, don't drink too much 'cause we
can't afford another drunk on the list.
What were you expecting? Einstein? Freud? Buddha? I'm sorry, Joe, I'm just a drunk.
Only you and Joe know that I'm Methos, the drunk, to the rest of the world I'm still Adam Pierson, the drunk.
M: Look at me, MacLeod. I didn't last 5000 years by drinking with anyone but myself.
D: Really? Could've fooled me.
M: You know? We actually make a really good team. We could
be like Bud and Weiser, Red and Dog...
J: Whatever
M: Anheuser and Bush
J: Will you shut up?!
M: Joe?
J: It's a trap, man. Walker set me up, I'm suppose to get
you sober when we get inside. He said he was going to kill
Amy!
M: There that wasn't so hard, was it?
J: You knew?
M: Of course I knew (hiccup).
J: Well how did you know?
M: Joe, you never give a watcher tequila and vodka, and you
couldn't go to them for beer and then suddenly one of them's
phoning you with information...and whenever you lie you do
this weird thing with your face.
You're looking at me as if you know I'm drunk! I'm not drunk [hiccup]! Lemme give you some advice, you keep your beer to yourself!
When she carries a beer and we haven't been formally introduced, I get thirsty.
Beer makes men, MacLeod. Men don't make beer.
What'd you think I'd do? Run and drink?
Yes, is that what you wanted to hear? Drinking was all I knew. Is THAT what you wanted to hear?
No, it's not enough! I drank. But I didn't just drink fifty, I didn't drink a hundred. I drank a thousand. I drank TEN THOUSAND!
DM: I can't believe you did that.
Methos: Come on, MacLeod, the guy gave me a beer. It was a selfless act in the interests of consumer satisfaction.
DM: Oh yeah. An oversized bladder would have nothing to do with it.
M: What better place to drink? I'm in charge of drinking
myself, and I'll make sure it never happens.
M: Remember Highlander, drink, grow stronger. Drink another day.
M: I wasn't thinking. I was drinking.
M: To...dinner, a film, a beer, a smile, a beer, a beer, uh, all of the above, whatever you would like.
Alexa: Why do you want to drink with me?
M: The alternative is undrinkable.
M: You spend whatever time you have left dying, or you spend
it drinking...
"It's my breath isn't it? It's because you think I'm drunk, I don't have to be drunk, I can be...tipsy."
What are you going to tell them, Julia? That I'm a drunk and I've been masquerading as sober all these years? They are not gonna like that! They are not gonna throw me a kegger.
Surprise, your not drunk. Your kind are hard to inebriate. *Cassandra downs a few beers* You'll have to try harder than that.
M: Thanks Joe.
J: For what? Your the one who got my ass drunk.
M: Thank you for trusting me enough to let me do that. You
know, these last few hours...I feel like there's a bond between
us. Who'd ever of thought I'd end up with a Watcher as my
drinking buddy.
J: I don't believe that you ran out of beer!
M: I didn't know I was going to be drinking across country.
D: I just didn't think you'd be drunk, that's all.
M: It's good to be drunk. *hiccup*
D: No one hunts for a drunk, or a Watcher.
D: One word.
M: Okay.
D: Animal, 5000 years old, doesn't use a sword much.
M: Methos.
D: No, no, no, try 5 letters (drunk)
M: What are you waiting for, MacLeod??
D: NO!
M: I'd have out-drunk you!
D: No, you would've made a mistake and then let me drink more shots than you!
M: Do you think I want to get sick? Do you think it's easy after thousands of years?
D: Then why?
M: Because if you don't out-drink me, Kalas will. I cannot
beat him; I have tried. He will out-drink me, and then he
will have the strength to out-drink you.
D: So your only solution after 5000 years is that I drink more shots than you?
M: He can beat me! He might beat you! He can't beat both of us.
D: If it's that simple, why don't you drink more than me.
M: Because it's not just a matter of who is the best drinker. It is about tolerance and stomach strength, I don't have the fire. You do, you want Kalas. Drink, highlander, grow stronger, drink another day.
J: Where're you going?
M: Next bar out of Dodge.
J: I'm really worried about something.
M: Aren't we all?
J: Her name's Amy Thomas, she's a new watcher. She's suppose to check in with me every 4 hours and I haven't heard from her.
M: I'd like to help, Joe, but I've got a beer to catch.
M: I've got a lot to offer, Joe. 5000 years of drinking, I was there.
M: Lay it down, Caspian!
C: Why should I?!
M: Because if you do not, I will drink it! Trust me, if I
have to drink one, it will be yours.
D: You got Richie drunk, then Joe.
M: What are you raving at? Joe is a bit tied up at the moment and you've been off down the bloody rails! Come on, we've got to get drinking, Orork's drunken men are staggering right behind me.
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