ACT ONE, SCENE ONE

Fransisco: "Yo, Bernardo, come take over my watch on the ramparts. I know that Cluny dude is gonna come back."

Bernardo: "Cluny dude? You should be more scared of the ghost than him!! Ack!! Look, see, there's the ghost, right there!! Quick, we need some Dibbuns to scare it away!!!"

Fransisco: "Uh-oh... you made it mad."

Bernardo: "Oh well. I never said I believed in it anyway."

Fransisco: "Riiiight..."

Bernardo: "I have a better idea. We'll just let Hamlet deal with it. He's the Abbey Warrior, and he's got a big sword."

Fransisco: "Sounds like a plan!"

ACT ONE, SCENE TWO

Hamlet: "I can't believe you're marrying this guy, Mom. I don't even think he's a mouse. He looks an awful lot like a rat to me."

Gertrude: "Oh, come on, Hamlet. Your father's dead so be nice to the new Abbot!"

Claudius: "Yeah, get over it already! Let's have a feast!"

Horatio: "Uh... Hamlet... we saw a ghost the other night..."

Hamlet: "Well, don't tell my mom and that Abbot wannabee guy. They'll just want to make me go off and do the Abbey Warrior thing if you tell them that!! So if you're gonna talk about a ghost, don't do it NOW!"

Horatio: "Okay..."

ACT ONE, SCENE THREE

Laertes: "So, Ophelia, did I ever mention that Hamlet doesn't really love you? And besides, I could have sworn I saw him on Redwall's Most Wanted the other day."

Ophelia: "Yeah, that's great, Laertes... but you never seem to keep that in mind when you're hanging out with... who is it now?"

Laertes: "Shhhh!!! Dad'll hear why I'm REALLY going to college!"

Polonius: "Ah, Laertes, my son, when you go to college, remember to be social and remember to study and... are you listening to me?"

Laertes: "Uh, yeah, Dad."

Polonius: "Good. Don't drink and drive, buckle your seatbelt and pack extra underwear."

Laertes: "Great Dad. See ya..."

ACT ONE, SCENE FOUR

(Trumpets sound, signaling that the Abbot is drunk.)

Horatio: "Uh, almost time for the ghost to come back... aaah, there it is!!!"

Hamlet: "I think I should follow it..."

Horatio: "But what if it tosses you off a cliff?"

Hamlet: "What are you talking about??"

Horatio: "Maybe... the ghost killed your father!"

Ghost: "No, Hamlet. I am your father."

Hamlet: "Nooooo.....!"

Ghost: "Yes! I was murdered by the Idiot who thinks he can kill me to be Abbot."

Hamlet: "My uncle?"

Ghost: "Are you really that surprised?"

Hamlet: "No, not really."

Ghost: "Now, you have to swear that you won't tell anyone about this!!"

Hamlet: "Okay, okay, just a second..."

Ghost: "I'm waiting..."

Hamlet: "Hang on! I'm talking to my friends!!"

Ghost: "Swear it already!"

Hamlet: "RELAX!! Who's the dead guy and who's the live guy here, anyway? Fine, fine, we'll swear it, we'll swear it... on my sword... jeez."

ACT TWO, SCENE ONE

Polonius: "Hey, Reynaldo, I have a sinking feeling my son just spent the entire weekend at a Kegger. Go make sure he's doing his homework. And don't be afraid to give him the belt!!"

Reynaldo: "Yeah, yeah, okay, okay."

Ophelia: "Daddy!! Hamlet has problems!"

Polonius: "Well... maybe you made him mad."

Ophelia: "I'm just doing what you told me to and avoiding him!!"

Polonius: "Yep. You made him mad. Okay, let's go tell the Abbot..."

ACT TWO, SCENE TWO

Claudius: "Okay, Rosencrantz, Guildenstern... something is wrong with Hamlet. So go fix it!"

Rosencrantz and Guildenstern: "Whatever you say..."

Polonius: "Great news! I know why Hamlet went insane! Wow, today would have been really boring, but Hamlet getting mad just spiced everything up. This is so cool!"

Claudius: (mutters) "Talk about a midlife crisis..."

Polonius: "Oooh! Oooh! I just came up with a GREAT idea. I'll hide behind the Tapestry in Great Hall and see if Hamlet really does love Ophelia. Wow, this is great!"

Hamlet: "Yo, old geezer boy!"

Polonius: "Do you know who I am?"

Hamlet: "Uh... one of those fishing hermit guys from the River Moss?"

Polonius: "Very clever. So what's that you're reading?"

Hamlet: "Words, you retard."

Rosencrantz: "Hey, Hamlet! We've got that Travelling Mossflower Theatre Troop coming for the feast tonight!"

Hamlet: "What are YOU doing here?"

Rosencrantz: "Oh, just visiting."

Hamlet: "Riiiight..."

(Trumpets play)

Rosencrantz: "That means they're here!!"

Hamlet: (sarcastic) "Oh, JOY."

Polonius: "They're the best actors in all of Mossflower."

Hamlet: "Hey, did I ever mention your daughter is hot?"

(The Actors enter.)

Hamlet: "Okay, guys, here's what your gonna do..." (muttering)

Polonius: "No, no, no, that's too long!"

Hamlet: "And then you're gonna..." (muttering again)

Polonius: "Oooh, that's good!"

Hamlet: "Murder of Gonzago! Got it! Okay, great! The play's the thing wherein I'll catch the conscience of the Abbot. That doesn't rhyme. Oh well."

ACT THREE, SCENE ONE

Rosencrantz: "I'm telling you, Abbot, Hamlet's mind has gone down the drain."

Gertrude: "Oh, come on. He's just a little boy with a crush. He's twitterpated, that's all! I'm sure this nice feast will clear everything right up!"

Polonius: "Abbot! Remember Operation 007!!"

Claudius: "Oh yeah, that's right!!"

(Polonius and Claudius hide behind the Tapestry of Martin the Warrior.)

Hamlet: "To be or not to be. In short, my life sucks."

Ophelia: "Hey Hamlet, I've brought you some presents!!"

Hamlet: "You can't be serious."

Ophelia: "Huh?"

Hamlet: "You actually believed I loved you?? That's pathetic! Get thee to St. Ninian's Church. And keep your Dad locked up in a straight jacket or something. He's too stupid to be walking around free."

Ophelia: "Wow, Hamlet, you are SCHIZO. I can't believe this!"

Hamlet: "Join the club!!"

(Polonius and Claudius scheme from behind the curtains.) Polonius: "Let's 'pretend' to send him on a big courageous quest to England, and then... whoops! We'll accidently kill him!"

Claudius: "You know... that's actually a really good idea!"

ACT THREE, SCENE TWO

(Hamlet gives the actors a pep talk, then runs up to sit by the Abbot.)

Claudius: "How are you doing today, Hamlet?"

Hamlet: "Guess what!! I'm eating air!! Whooo!!"

Claudius: "Really... that's... nice.... we need a net over here..."

Gertrude: "Hamlet, come sit by me like you used to when you were a little Dibbun!"

Hamlet: "Dude no, I want to go sit in Ophelia's lap!"

Gertrude: "Don't be weird, Hamlet!"

Hamlet: "Me? Weird? No, my MOM is weird! My dad just died and she's ultra happy!!"

(The play begins. A guy wants to kill the Abbot so he can be Abbot, and marry the Abbot's wife.)

Hamlet: "What a quality plot. Isn't this great, Mom?"

Claudius: "I think this is a TERRIBLE plot."

Hamlet: "Oh, come on. It's only PRETEND. Besides, it's not like YOU did it or anything..."

(Suddenly Claudius jumps up.)

Claudius: "I'm gonna have a heart attack!! I've gotta get out of here!"

(Claudius runs off. Everyone follows except for Hamlet and Horatio.)

Hamlet: "Check out how good of an actor I can be... Please keep off of the grass, shine your shoes, wipe your... peacock!"

(Guildenstern comes in.)

Guildenstern: "Uh, Hamlet, the King is REALLY P.O.'d."

Hamlet: "Aww, he's just had too much of that October Ale stuff."

Guildenstern: "And, your mom is depressed and you should go talk to her."

Hamlet: "Yeah, yeah, I know, I know. Pretty clouds, pretty clouds..."

ACT THREE, SCENE THREE

Claudius: "Okay, I'm sick of Hamlet and his delusions. It's time to send him to England and hope he dies."

Polonius: "I'm gonna go hide in the Tapestry again because it's fun!!"

Claudius: "Yeah, go ahead."

(Polonius goes and hides in the Tapestry.)

Claudius: "Oh, golly gee, I feel so bad about killing my brother. Maybe if I pray I can be forgiven." (Hamlet sneaks in.)

Hamlet: "Ha ha ha, Claudius, you are mine!!! Oh, wait a minute... you're praying. I can't kill a guy who's praying. He'll end up going to heaven instead of to... that other place! Fine, I'll wait until he's being naughty. Then he'll be sure to go to Dark Forest Gates! Keep on praying, sucker, mua ha ha!"

(Hamlet exits.)

Claudius: "The idiot actually thought I was praying! What a dork!!"

ACT THREE, SCENE FOUR

Hamlet: "Yo, mom!"

Gertrude: "Hamlet, you little smart-aleck..."

Hamlet: "Oh, shut up and listen to me for once!"

Gertrude: "Put Martin's sword away before you poke someone's eye out!"

Polonius: "Huh? A sword? What's going on?"

Hamlet: "That fox must be trying to steal the Tapestry again! DIE!!!!"

(Hamlet sticks his sword into the Tapestry... and consequently into Polonius.)

Gertrude: "WHO WAS THAT?"

Hamlet: "Well, if it wasn't the fox, then I hope it was my uncle."

(He moves the curtain aside.)

Hamlet: "Oh. That guy. Oh well, he was an idiot anyway."

(The Ghost enters, wearing pajamas.)

Hamlet: "Oh great... he's mad! Whatever I did... er, didn't do... I'm sorry! I'll go do it right now if you want! Honest!"

Ghost: "Your name is NOT Oedipus, and you DON'T have a complex, so remember you're supposed to be AVENGING ME right about now!!"

Hamlet: "Okay! Okay! Okay!"

Gertrude: "Uh, who are you talking to?"

Hamlet: "The ghost in PJ's!!"

Gertrude: "Uh-huh... okay, you're psychotic."

Hamlet: "Well, I must be cruel only to be kind. Whatever that means."

ACT FOUR, SCENE ONE

Gertrude: "Claudius, dear! Hamlet is insane! He killed Polonius!!"

Claudius: "Oh no! We must do something drastic! Rosencrantz! Guildenstern! Go find Polonius's body!!"

Rosencrantz and Guildenstern: "Whatever you say, sir..."

ACT FOUR, SCENE TWO

Hamlet: "Oh great, they're coming for me!"

Rosencrantz: "Where is it?"

Hamlet: "Uh... where it belongs."

Rosencrantz: "Very cute. Come on."

Hamlet: "Hah, well, I'm not quite as cute as you brown-nosers, but yeah, sure, I'll go with you. You sponge!!"

Rosencrantz: "Sponge? I don't get it."

Hamlet: "Knowing your intellect... I'm not surprised."

ACT FOUR, SCENE THREE

Claudius: "How everyone else can like that fruitcake, I honestly don't know..."

(Rosencrantz and Guildenstern bring Hamlet in.)

Claudius: "So... where's Polonius?"

Hamlet: "Oh, yeah, him. He's being a good little boy and feeding the worms."

Claudius: "You're sick."

Hamlet: "Actually, I feel dandy. It's the end of the world as we know it and I feeeel fiiiiiiine... what? Okay, okay, jeez. He's in the lobby."

Claudius: "See, that's much better. Oh, by the way, guess what? You're so special, we're sending you on a one-way... er, I mean, round trip quest to England! Doesn't that sound fun?"

Hamlet: "Well slap me silly and call another feast!"

Claudius: "I think I will!"

Hamlet: "Good thing I won't be around to be forced into going! Mua ha ha!!"

(Hamlet dashes gallantly off.)

(Claudius pulls out a letter and starts writing.)

Claudius: Dear England. Please kindly dispose of Hamlet when you see him. Sincerely, the Abbot of Redwall. Ha ha ha ha ha!!!

ACT FOUR, SCENE FOUR

Hamlet: "Hmm, what's this letter? 'Please kindly dispose of Hamlet.' Heh heh, I think not! Here, I'll just fix this... 'Please kindly dispose of Rosencrantz and Guildenstern.' There, much better! See you later, Pirate Ship!"

(Hamlet escapes from off of the ship and winds up on some patch of land.)

Fortinbras: "We're off to go kill Poland, da da da da da da...."

Hamlet: "Uh, why?"

Fortinbras: "Maybe because... WE FEEL LIKE IT!"

Hamlet: "Why do all occasions inform against me? In other words... I'M MAD NOW!! SOMETHING'S ROTTEN IN THE STATE OF REDWALL AND HAMLET IS TAKIN' OUT THE TRASH!!!!"

ACT FOUR, SCENE FIVE

Ophelia: "I'm depressed! I'm depressed! I need Zoloft! I need Prozac!"

Gertrude: "Well, do you want to talk about it?"

Ophelia: "Good night!"

Gertrude: "I guess not..."

Claudius: "Uh... Gertrude, Honey, I'm afraid Laertes will think I'M the one that killed his dad and come and... uh..."

Gertrude: "Oh, come on! He's just a stoner! He couldn't do anything like that!"

(Laertes breaks down the door and storms in with a riot.)

Gertrude: "...On second thought..."

Laertes: "DIE!!!!!"

Ophelia: "Oh, now I'm über-depressed."

Laertes: "Now I'm über-mad!!!"

Ophelia: "Pretty flowers..."

Laertes: "MY SISTER IS HALLUCINATING!!!!!"

Claudius: "Oh relax, Laertes, we can explain everything."

Laertes: "Okay, but I get dibs on whoever killed my dad."

ACT FOUR, SCENE SIX

Horatio: "Huh? A letter from Hamlet? 'Dear Horatio. Take these big buff bodyguard sailor guys to the Abbot. P.S., I was captured by the Pirates who Don't Do Anything. Oh well, I'll say more stuff later. Sincerely, Hamlet.' Uh.... oh-kaaay..."

ACT FOUR, SCENE SEVEN

Laertes: "KILL HAMLET! KILL HAMLET!"

Claudius: "Be my guest, but his Mom kinda has a thing for him..."

(Big sailor Bodyguards come in and give Claudius a message.)

Claudius: (reads)"'Dear Claudius. I'll be back. You killed my father. Prepare to die.'"

Laertes: "KILL HAMLET! KILL HAMLET! Check out this sweet stuff I got at college! I'll put it on the tip of my sword!! I think it just might be deadly that way!!!"

(Gertrude enters)

Gertrude: "Um... I hate to be the bringer of bad news, but... Ophelia kinda threw herself into the Abbey Pond and..."

Laertes: "I will not cry. I will not cry. I will not cry." (He cries.)

King: "I just know he'll do something stupid, I just know it!!!"

ACT FIVE, SCENE ONE

(Gravediggers are flinging skulls all over the place.)

Hamlet: "Uh... who's this grave for?"

Gravedigger: "A DUDE."

Hamlet: (sarcastic) "Really? WOW."

Gravedigger: "You know what, they sent Hamlet to England, on PURPOSE, to kill him."

Hamlet: "Oh, well, that's very interesting, isn't it?"

Gravedigger: "Here, have a skull."

Hamlet: "Alas, poor Yorick! I knew him, Horatio! Then again, in Redwall, everybody knows everybody. How pathetic is that?"

(A procession comes in to bury Ophelia.)

Hamlet: "Wait a minute... that means... my girlfriend died!!"

Gravedigger: "Sucks to be you."

Laertes: "GASP! Hamlet!! Die! Die!! Kill!! Kill!! Doom on you!!"

(They sprawl and then are pulled apart.)

Hamlet: "Come on! Let me at him! Let me at him!!!!!"

(They jump into the grave.)

Gertrude: "Okay, now that's disgusting. Do something, Claudius!"

Claudius: "Uh, I have an idea! How about you guys have a duel!"

Hamlet: "Sounds fun."

ACT FIVE, SCENE TWO

Osric: "Hey, Hamlet... ANTIDISESTABLISHMENTARIANISM!!!"

Hamlet: "Hey, Osric... PNEUMONOULTRAMICROSCOPICSILICOVOLCANOKONIOSIS!!!!

Osric: "Stop making fun of me!"(stars crying.)

Horatio: "Check this out, dude: he uses all these huge words, and when you use them he gets lost. How pathetic is that?"

Osric: "Oh yeah? Well... well... Laertes has cooler weapons then you! Ha!"

(Osric exits, convinced he got the last word.)

(And now, in the words of Yu-Gi-Oh, It's time to du-du-du-du-du-du-duel!!!)

Hamlet: "Laertes... I'm sorry."

Laertes: "Me too."

Hamlet: "We should just forgive and forget."

Laertes: "Yeah."

Hamlet: "But then this wouldn't be a tragedy."

Laertes: "Good point. FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT!!!"

(Hamlet scores the first hit.)

Hamlet: "HA!"

Claudius: "Here, Hamlet, a drink to your health!"

Hamlet: "No thanks..."

Gertrude: "I'll drink to his health!!!!"

Claudius: "No, wait, Gertrude, wait....!!!"

Gertrude: (having already downed half the drink) "Why?"

Claudius: "Oh.... great."

(Gertrude faints.)

Claudius: "Uh... she's just scared of the blood!"

Gertrude: "No... it's... the... drink... poisoned... like... in... 'Outcast of Redwall'.... aaahhhh...."

(Gertrude dies.)

Hamlet: "It's your fault, Laertes!"

(Hamlet stabs Laertes.)

Laertes: "No... I don't think so. It's the Abbot's fault!!"

(Hamlet stabs Claudius.)

Claudius: "Um, I'm dying."

Hamlet: "Um... yeah!"

(Hamlet forces Claudius to drink the poison, and he dies.)

(Now both Hamlet and Laertes are lying on the ground dying.)

Horatio: "Wait! I want to die too!"

(Horatio runs up and tries to drink some poison.)

Hamlet: "No no no! Wait a minute! This is Redwall, right? The main good guys never die in Redwall, right?"

Laertes: "Yeah, so what are you saying?"

(The spirit of Martin descends upon them and heals Hamlet and Laertes, and ressurects Ophelia. They are all sane again.)

Hamlet: "That's funny. I feel like being nice to everyone! Feast for everybody!!"

Laertes: "Yay, feast for everybody!"

Ophelia: "And remember, the door to Redwall is always open..."

Hamlet: "Yes, so feel free to LEAVE!!! Ha ha ha ha...."

Ophelia: "Hamlet!!!!"

Hamlet: "What? I couldn't help myself, really, I couldn't...."