by TC

Hi, this is TC. Being a lampoon writer can be hard work. You have to be awfully creative to mock really bad fanfics, which is what I have to do here. I don’t ask for it--they more than supply me. Enough of the babble, on with the story.

Part One, Shotgun Wedding Blues

Megatron and Star Ruby go out for an evening flight. They land on a high power dam. Megatron can’t stop thinking about how lovely Ruby is because of the sun reflecting off her body. Star Ruby believes herself to be a vision of loveliness because she has this desperate need to be the one true love of Megatron. Despite her many powers, she feels that life is not good unless she is bonded to a male--yada yada yada.

Megatron: *sigh* I sigh because you are quite something to look at, Rubes.

Star Ruby: *giggle* Oh, Meggy…are you thinking of “her” again?

Megatron: Yes, indeed I am. She was a chick I married long ago, and ran out on because she put on 50 kilotons and nagged me all day. I ran off with a stripper named Lola. Oh, Primus, Ruby, how I miss her! (starts to cry)

Star Ruby: Oh, Megatron, that’s so sweet, thinking about your wife this time.

Megatron: No, no, no, not her! LOLA! I miss LOLA! I never should have left her for that chick in Rio. Man, she had the tightest--

Star Ruby just stares at him in shock because she had never heard of all this. Megatron clears his throat and looks at her sheepishly because he’s embarrassed.

Megatron: Well, what’s past is past. (leers at Ruby because he’s horny) Wanna shoot for the moon?

Star Ruby: Oh, Meggy!

They go at it on the dam, unaware that Reflector is hidden by and is taking multitudes of photos as we speak. Ten seconds later…

Star Ruby: (moaning passionately) Oh, Meggy, you’re…done.

Megatron grunts, rolls over and starts snoring.

Star Ruby: (to herself) I wonder if I will become pregnant. I know I will be a good mother because I am such a strong, fierce warrior and the best that there is, despite my limited sentence structures.

Reflector: And this co-dependency thing you have going on here.

Star Ruby: Who said that?

Reflector: Son of a bitch!

Megatron: (waking up) Huh…what?

Star Ruby: Let’s go home.

Megatron: Oh, sure, hey watch out for the wet spot…

Star Ruby slips and falls into the dam.

Star Ruby: AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!

Megatron: Shit…

The next morning, in the board meeting…

Megatron: I am very displeased with you all. You made fools of yourselves and looked like incompetents in front of the Autobots.

Starscream: Well, that is the gist of this whole series, to muddle up plans week after week after week. Besides, what is up with your language?

Megatron: What do you mean?

Motormaster: Well, at this rate, you’re usually cussing like a sailor and firing at us with your cannon. You’re talking like a pussy.

Onslaught: It must be…THE CURSE! *dum dum DUUUMMM*

Megatron: What the hell are you talking about?

Swindle: The curse of that chick-bot, Star Ru--MMMPH! (Starscream slaps his hand over Swindle’s mouth because Star Ruby is Megs’ gal)

Megatron: I beg your pardon?

Skywarp: HUH? I beg your WHAT? Who are you, and what have you done with Megatron?

Megatron: *sigh* Forget this; why hasn’t Star Ruby shown up?

Ramjet: Maybe you wore her out. *nudge nudge wink wink*

Megatron: AAAAAAAHHHHHH!

Megatron starts firing his cannon at everyone. They all run because he is really pissed.

Meanwhile…

Star Ruby: I don’t feel so good. I wonder…

She moseys down to Hook’s office. Hook is trying to remove an unknown object from Scavenger’s ass.

Hook: Dammit, Scavenger! How did you get this shoved up your recharge port?!

Bonecrusher: Wouldn‘t you like to know?

Hook: Hey, I don’t wanna know what you sickos do in your spare time, all right? Remember the last time we merged? We found out what Scrapper has been doing with those petro rabbits? SHUDDER I didn’t realize Devastator could vomit like that. I still haven’t recovered.

Bonecrusher: Oh, hey, don’t look at me, it was Scavenger and--

Scavenger: QUIET!!! (Lunges at Bonecrusher because he’s pissed. As he scrambles over the table, Hook manages to grab the object and miraculously pulls it out.)

*POP*

All: YAY!

Star Ruby: Hook, I need to speak to you.

Hook: Oh, Primus, Ruby. Don’t tell me you need to have something removed from you, too?

Star Ruby: Uh, maybe! I feel funny. I think I’m pregnant.

Hook: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!! No, really.

Star Ruby: No, Hook! Primus was watching me and Meggy interface last night---

Hook: Sick.

Star Ruby: --and he decided that I would make a good mom.

Hook: Uh…huh. (looking at Ruby distrustfully because he thinks it is the biggest crock he’s ever heard. )

Optimus Prime: Much like these fanfics.

Hey! How’d you get in here?

Prime: I’m supposed to be here for the bonding ceremony? Duh…

No, no, you read the script too far ahead. Not for a while. Go back to the Green Room.

Prime: Sorry…

Hook: Well, lessee…(runs a scanner on Star Ruby) Hmmm…just as I thought.

Star Ruby: That I’m pregnant?

Hook: No, that this cheesy watch I bought in Mexico isn’t 18 carat gold.

Star Ruby: Why do you need a watch? We don’t use Earth time.

Hook: Why do female Transformers think that they have babies just like Earth germs? We’ve always made others through kitbashes and Vector Sigma. And they were never babies--Hey, I see something!

Star Ruby: Wha-wha-wha?

Hook: I’ll be damned…it’s a baby! You are knocked up!

Star Ruby: No shit, Sherlock.

Sherlock Holmes: Elementary, my dear robot.

Hook: How’d he get in here?

Star Ruby: What are you doing now, Hook?

Hook: Calling my agent to get me outta this damn gig. This is too damn weird. Robots having babies? SHUDDER

Later…

Star Ruby: Meggy, I’m pregnant.

Megatron: Oh, shit.

Star Ruby: What was that?

Megatron: Uhh, I meant, oh shit, I’m so happy! (under his breath) Lousy condoms!

Star Ruby: Well, Meggy, don’t you have something else to say?

Megatron: Like what?

Star Ruby: Don’t you wanna marry me?

Megatron: MARRY?! GROAN (faints)

Skywarp: Yeah, marry!

Starscream walks over to Megatron, who is out cold.

Starscream: How do you feel, mighty Megatron?

He kicks Megatron.

Thundercracker: What happened to your sissy grunt?

Starscream fires his null ray and hits Thundercracker where the sun don’t shine. Thundercracker lets fly the girly grunt.

Thundercracker: Ow, my fifteen-footer!

Skywarp: What-EVER.

Megatron awakens to see the Seekers aiming their weapons at him.

Megatron: What’s the meaning of this?

Skywarp: Well, leader, it’s like this. You impregnated our so-called sister. You gotta marry her, or she dishonors the family.

Megatron: So what?

Star Ruby: But Meggy, don’t you love me?

Megatron: …

Star Ruby: WELL?!

Megatron: Dammit…

A While Later

Megatron is sitting in his quarters with Pooky at his feet, playing a harmonica.

Megatron: (singing the blues in the key of B-flat major)

I gotta get married (do-DO-do-do-DO!)

To some old ball and chain (do-DO-do-do-DO!)

Cause I knocked her up (do-DO-do-do-DO!)

And the price now, I gotta pay---

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH! (soulful wailing) It’s so hard!

(harmonica solo)

I got the…

Shotgun Wedding Blues

(chorus)

Don’t wanna get married, darlin,

What am I sp’osed to do?

I’m at the ruthless mercies

Of one, Mary Sue

(do-do-do-DO-DO!)

(repeat song until massive vomiting or suicides ensue)

Later…

Megatron: Fellow Decepticons, I have an announcement to make. As you know, I am allowed to marry. Seeing that Star Ruby is the only worthy choice…

Scrapper: And because you knocked her up.

Megatron: How did you know?

Scrapper: Hook ran the scan on her while Scavenger and I were still there trying to get those petrol-rabbits out of Scavenger’s---

Scavenger: AAAAAAAHHHHHH!! (he tackles Scrapper. They fight on the floor.)

Megatron: *sigh* Very well. Star Ruby and I are getting married. Hip-HIP---

All: …

Megatron: Let’s try this again: Hip-HIP--

All: …

Megatron: Aw, fuck the lot of you!