Tracks: Going down? Okay!

Raul: MMPHGULAHGUHLAGHULAGHULAGHALUGHULAG!

Pants: Sick.

Rands: Cocksucking, that’s what it’s all about.

Pants: GHULAGHULAGHULAGHULAG!

Proceed…

Megatron: Soundwave, what’s this all about?

Soundwave: Outside of cocksucking? You’ll see. (opens the door to the lounge and shoves Megatron into the darkened room)

Megatron: Dammit, Soundwave! What’s the meaning of this--(flips the switch to see all of the male Decepticons standing around)

All: SURPRISE!

Megatron: What the…

Drag Strip: Your bachelor party!

Ramjet: See? We decorated the place just for you! (the camera pans across the room to see inflated condoms taped everywhere)

Megatron: I…wow, uhh…

Scrapper: Why are Laserbeak and Buzzsaw tied to the rafters?

Thrust: They’re condoms, dumbass.

Motormaster: No, those dumb birds are condors, not condoms.

Dirge: Then, are condors more like DUIs?

All: …

Dirge: WHAT?!

Reflector: I believe the correct term is IUD.

Dirge: Uhh…me not know what you say.

Sludge: Be quiet!

Drag Strip: DUI means driving under the influence. IUD is inter-uterine device.

Dire: Inner whaaaaaa…?

Hook: Aw, FORGET IT!

Skywarp: Ok, ok, ok, enough of that, where’s the chicks?

Ramjet: There are no chicks. Laserbeak and Buzzsaw are the only birds on the premises. We’ll have to go look for chickens.

Soundwave: Oh, for the love of Primus…

Dead End blows his head off.

Reflector: He means strippers, you idiot.

Megatron: Strippers?!

Bonechrusher: Yeah, we found some numbers in magazines we found in Skywarp’s room.

Skywarp: HEY!

Astrotrain: Unfortunately, all we could afford was from Ugly SkankHo, but we asked for the prettiest ugly skankho.

Megatron: Wow…thanks, guys…

Soundwave: Nothing but the best for you, leader. As least for $3.32. Stupid fleshies don’t even take energon cubes.

Thundercracker wheels out a monster-sized layer cake. All the Decepticons gather around it, hooting and hollering.

*TA-DA!*

Starscream in a string bikini pops out of the cake. The others stare slack-jawed because this was not expected.

Thundercracker: Wait a damn minute, Starscream! What happened to the stripper that was supposed to be inside the cake?

Starscream: (laughs uncomfortably) Well, you see, I had her in the cake when I put it in the oven. How was I supposed to know fleshies had such a low melting point?!

Soundwave: Gross.

Blitzwing: Aw, what the hell. Get on with it, Starscream.

Starscream: (in a breathy Marilyn Monroe-like voice) Happy Birthday…to you…Happy Birthday…to you…

Thundercracker: It ain’t his birthday, you geek!

Starscream: Too bad! I’ve always wanted to do this! (jumps in Megatron’s lap and resumes singing) Happy Birthday…Mister President…

John F. Kennedy: I, ah…

Jackie Kennedy: FLOOZY! (hits Starscream with her handbag)

Megatron: Uhhhh…

*SPRRRRRRRRRROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIINNNNNNNNNNNGGG!!*

Megatron’s codpiece flies across the room, tearing open John F. Kennedy’s head. The other Decepticons shriek in disgust and run out of the room like crazy.

Lee Harvey Oswald: I didn’t do it this time!

Lee Harvey Oswald implodes.

Megatron: SIGH I hate it when that happens.

Starscream: Not me! Ooh, is somebody happy to see me?

Megatron: Shut up…

Wedding Day!

At the Altar…

Megatron: What’s keeping Ruby?

Soundwave with a massive hangover: Th fug shoud i nngh?

Megatron: Soundwave, shouldn’t you be playing the music?

Soundwave teeters…and passes out.

Megatron: *sigh*

Rumble: This is humiliating! Why do Frenzy and I hafta be stupid-ass ring bearers?

Frenzy: Ruffled shirts with black shorts and tights? EESH!

Skywarp: Dude, you think you have it bad? I’m the effin’ Maid of Honor! This bodice is really starting to chafe!

Rumble: Why didn’t Ruby have one of her sisters do that?

All: WHO?!

Rumble: Oh yeah, right…

Frenzy: I can’t believe a stupid teddy bear is your Best Man, Megatron.

Megatron is holding Pookie, who is wearing a tiny little tuxedo.

Megatron: SHADDAP! (blasts Frenzy)

Star Ruby finally shows up. The Coneheads play “Here Comes the Bride” on kazoos.

Skywarp: Heh heh…the bride is “coming”.

Everybody groans in unison.

Megatron: It’s about time, bitch!

Dressed in gold lame robes and wearing an Elvis wig, Optimus Prime steps up to the podium and gets a good gander at the ensemble.

Prime: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!

Megatron: What’s so damn funny, Prime?

Prime: *gasp* (pointing at Rumble & Frenzy)

Megs levels his cannon and blasts Prime.

Prime: I’m sorry, I’m sorry, Megatron…I…WHOA, MOMMA!

Star Ruby: Optimus Prime finds me attractive.

Prime: No…I…Megatron…where did you get that…outfit?

Megatron is wearing a pair of black speedos and a matching bow tie.

Megatron: You like? I found it at the sex shop. I look just like a Chippendale’s dancer.

Starscream: A little flabby around your ass.

Megatron: SHADDAP!

Prime: OK, let’s get on with it…

Pants: Get it on? Okay!

Rands: HULAGHULAGLUGHAHULAG!

All: GET OUTTA HERE!

Prime: O…K…lessee…Uh, Megatron, do you take this one-dimensional Mary Sue…

Star Ruby: HEY!

Prime:…to be your lawfully wedded wife?

Megatron: Eh.

Prime: And do you, Mary Sue…er Star Ruby! Whew, take Megatron to be your lawfully wedded husband?

Star Ruby: (lovingly) I do.

All: Awwwwwww…

Frenzy: Ick.

Megatron: Shaddap!

Prime: If those present, have any idea why these two should not be joined in holy matrimony, let them speak now…

Voices: WE OBJECT!

Prime: Dammit, at least let me finish the sentence! Primus, robots are so rude these days!

Everyone whirls around to see who objected. Megatron’s first wife, Nightbird, Lola, Starscream, and Hot Rod are the ones who have piped up.

*GASP!*

Megatron: What the fuck…AHHH! MY WIFE! LOLA?!

Skywarp: NIGHTBIRD?!

Rumble: STARSCREAM?!

Prime: HOT ROD?!

Dr. Scott: Janet!

Janet: Dr. Scott!

Brad: JANET!

Janet: BRAD!

Frank-N-Furter: ROCKY!

Megatron: My wife! LOLA!

Skywarp: NIGHTBIRD?!

Rumble: STARSCREAM?!

Prime: HOT ROD?!

Dr. Scott: Janet!

Janet: Dr. Scott!

Brad: JANET!

Janet: BRAD!

Frank-N-Furter: ROCKY!

Motormaster: (singing) Let’s do the Time Warp agaaaaaaaaaaaaaaiiiiin!

Half of the guests’ heads explode.

Scavenger: Nice going, dumbass.

Motormaster: Eh…some robots just can’t handle good singing.

Prime: All right, what is the meaning of this?

Wife 1: Megatron ran out on me! He never even filed for divorce!

All: GASP!

Lola: Megatron knocked me up and left me with three screaming brats!

All: GASP!

Nightbird: …

All: GASP! (half the congregation goes into a hacking fit)

Megatron: Heh, heh, ladies, allow me to explain here…

Star Ruby: AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!! I’M HAVING THE BABY!

Prime: Oh, shit!

Dirge: To the Emergency Room, Batman!

Batman: Leave me outta this.

DA-DA-DA-DA-DA-DA-DA-DA-DA!

Star Ruby: NNNNNNNNNGGGGGHHHH!!!

Ramjet: Pull, Ruby, pull!

Long Haul: Aw, jeez…

Prime: Hot Rod, what the hell are you doing here?

Hot Rod: Star Ruby is the mother of my child!

All: GASP!

Megatron: HUH?! The hell, it’s MY kid!

Hot Rod: Nuh-uh! Mine!

Megatron: (sputtering because he’s pissed and confused) W-w-what do you mean? She was created to be my One True Love.

Hot Rod: Well, Megs, it’s like this; Star Ruby and I have been seeing each other for a while!

Megatron: Impossible!

Reflector: It’s true, leader! See for yourself! (hands Megatron a bunch of pictures with Star Ruby and Hot Rod getting it on, Megatron and Star Ruby getting it on, Megatron and Hot Rod getting it on, Hot Rod and Optimus Prime getting it on, Megatron and Optimus Prime getting it on, Tracks getting it on with…well…everybody, Starscream getting it on with, you guessed it, everybody…)

Starscream: I’ll take those! (snatches the photos)

Reflector: Hey! I was gonna sell those to the Enquirer!

Star Ruby: Shit…

Megatron: Star Ruby, you fucking tramp! What do you have to say for yourself?

Jerry Springer: If I could be some assistance…

All: JERRY! JERRY! JERRY!

Megatron: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!

Megs fires his fusion cannon. Jerry Springer explodes.

Scrapper: (singing) It’s raining men, hallelujah, it’s raining men…

Starscream: Where?

All: …

Starscream: WHAT?!

Star Ruby: Oh, no! Here comes the baby! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!

*pop*

The baby flies out of Ruby. Thrust catches it with a baseball glove and holds it up.

Thrust: Arise, Thrustimus Prime!

All: …

Thrust: WHAT?!

Prime: It was better when I did it.

Scrapper: Sounds like a porn star’s name.

Blast Off: Thrust itself sounds like a porn star’s name.

Thrust: Hey, it does. I never thought of it that way before.

Soundwave: My guess is that the folks at Hasbro never did either.

Wildrider: How the hell do you explain my name?

Starscream: YEE-HAW! Giddyap, cowboy!

Wildrider: AAAHH! See what I mean? GET OFF ME!

Skywarp: Oooh!

Thundercracker: Cool. And to think we were just for stupid flesh kids.

Megatron: Uh, excuse me…HELLO?! The BABY, please!

Thrust: What about it?

Hot Rod: Who the hell does it look like?

Thrust: Hmmmm…

Megatron/Hot Rod: WELL?!

Thrust: Looks like a chick.

Skywarp: What ELSE?

Thrust: It’s a red seeker…with weird orange racing stripes, and car wheels! Never seen this type before.

Hot Rod: BOO-YEAH! I told you the kid was mine!

Megatron: Ruby, how could you?

Megatron runs out of the room crying.

Hot Rod: Gee…didn’t think he’d take it that bad.

Optimus Prime: Reflector, how did you know of Star Ruby’s affair?

Reflector: Through Starscream.

Starscream: It’s true. Since Ruby and I are so-called “twins”, we have a type of mental telepathy. I could read her mind and found out about her and the Autobot. Besides, he mistook me for Ruby one night and had his way with me.

Hot Rod: Had my way with you? You painted yourself red and jumped my chassis!

Starscream: I DID NOT! I was…sunburned! That’s it!

Hook: How the hell can a robot get a sunburn?

Drag Strip: How the hell can Star Ruby have a baby like fleshies?

Hook: Dude, we already asked that question. First part, third scene.

Drag Strip: Sorry.

Star Ruby: Starscream!

Starscream: Heh heh…well anyway, this was also part of my revenge.

Thundercracker: By sleeping with Hot Rod? Mazeltov! Seeing that you’ve already slept with Megatron.

Skywarp: Repeatedly.

Starscream: Shaddup! SIGH I am very upset at Ruby.

Star Ruby: Why? What did I do?

Starscream: It’s the way you’ve portrayed me, dear sister. I am a cold, ruthless bitch who will do anything to lead the Decepticons…

Skywarp: That’s for damn sure.

Starscream: …and hooking me up with a chick and making me act all sensitive, namby-pamby, being a fucking JERK?! That was inexcusable! I had to get even, somehow! I found out where Megatron’s first wife, Lola, and Nightbird were, and after sending Reflector after Megatron and Ruby to take pictures, I mailed them to everybody and told them to come to the ceremony.

Prime: Wait a minute, you’re mad because Ruby hooked you up with a chick? I had questioned your preferences, but DAMN!

Starscream: No, Floptimus Prime! It was the way I was being portrayed. I believe the fleshies call it SNAD.

Dirge: SNAD? What the fuck does that mean?

Prime: Sensitive New Age Decepticon. Ah, yes, but I thought that only existed in fanfics.

Thundercracker: What the hell you call THIS?

Prime: A total waste of time and acting talent.

Megatron returns, wiping his optics with a soggy Kleenex and snarfing a quart of Double Dutch Chocolate ice cream. His first wife, Lola, and Nightbird follow in tow.

Megatron: SNIFF SNUFFLE I have an announcement to make. Because I have been betrayed by this fucking tramp, I have made a decision; I am going back to my wife…

All: GASP!

Megatron: …and Lola and Nightbird.

All: WHATTHEFUCKISTHAT?

Star Ruby: B-b-b-b-but Meggy…don’t you love me? I was created for you! I am here to be the Love of Your Life.

Rumble: Then why the hell were you and Hot Rod doing the horizontal mambo?

StarRuby: SHADDAP!

Megatron: SIGH How can I put this delicately…?

All: …

Megatron: WHAT?! Listen, Ruby, I am flattered that you made yourself to be the Love of My Life, but technically, that is just not for me. I am the leader of the Decepticons, I use and abuse all to conquer the universe. Same with Starscream, although he is inferior and wouldn’t know what to do with a chick even if she presented herself to him with a “Fuck Me Starscream” sign on her neck.

Starscream: HEY!

Ramjet: Besides, Screamer doesn’t even know what love is. The only thing he truly loves is himself.

Starscream: That’s true. I am the most handsome of this lot.

Everybody groans in unison because Starscream made such a pompous remark that was totally true to his character.

Prime: And a good aft ramming from Megatron.

Meg/Scream: HEY!

Megatron: I did not have sexual relations with that robot.

Bill Clinton: Give it up. Nobody believed me when I said it.

Megatron: I was just helping him adjust his bad back. Yeah, that’s it.

Starscream: Yeah. While he was adjusting my bad back, he never put his interface in me while simultaneously stroking my--

Megatron: STARSCREAM!!

All: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!

Everybody vomits. Bill Clinton drowns in a sea of puke.

Ratchet: Well Megatron, you sure were…gentle with Star Ruby.

Prime: Really. I was expecting you to go all-out and say what a wimpy little dork she is.

All: …

Prime: WHAT?! I can’t be a bitch, too?

Megatron: Eh-heh. Let’s change the subject. Fellow Decepticons, I’m going to have three new wives! Well, two…and my first one again. Sorry honey.

Everybody makes whipping noises.

Megatron: Hey! Knock that off!

Skywarp: So what are we gonna do for living arrangements?

Dirge: Besides, isn’t having more than one wife illegal?

Megatron: Hmmmm…I know! We’ll move to Salt Lake City! That place is full of wackos! We’ll blend right in. Who else wants to join us?

All: YAAAAAY!

Prime: Aw, what the hell. Beats having to listen to Spike Witwicky asking me stupid questions about Cybertron all day long.

Hot Rod: Me too. Megatron’s better in bed, anyway. (to Star Ruby) Later, sweets. I’ll pick up the kid for supervised visits once a month, ok?

Star Ruby: WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!

Starscream: MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!! That’s for making me a SNAD, bitch!

He kicks Ruby and lets out his sissy grunt.

Starscream: Let’s get the fuck outta here!

A Year Later…

After moving to Salt Lake City, Megatron, Wife 1, Lola, Nightbird, Hot Rod, Optimus Prime, and Starscream all married each other and live in a Mormon commune.

Spike Witwicky is still annoying.

Considering the consequences of recent events, the Autobots and Decepticons called for a truce, have joined forces and now own a successful chain of frozen yoghurt stores.

Skywarp is still horny.

Star Ruby and the kid were never heard from again. Rumor has it she gave up on mechs and has started a robot lesbian terrorist group wreaking havoc across the galaxy. Whatever the case is, she is gone and this God-Awful series can come to an…

Star Ruby: WAIT! Megatron and I had another child together!!

So?

Star Ruby: What about him?

*sigh* O…K…you’re asking for it.

*click* (the author clandestinely loads her 12-gague)

Star Ruby: What are you do--

Star Ruby Is blown to pieces.

All: YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAYY!!!!!!

Starscream: Thank Primus. Thus endeth the Mary Sue.

Vomita: Over here, lover boy!

Starscream: Crap. Spoke too soon.

Nightbird: …

Starscream: For once, I agree with you.

Starscream detonates a nuclear warhead.

Everybody explodes.

Now it’s the end!