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...From the, depths of heck, created lovingly from you to me.
So let us drive, and see the family down the street. Mind out, they lost their
feet! When you, read the Times, the Hamster Times that is, you'll have a fun
old time.
So... A Christmas issue! Is this a first? No, of course not. But probably not quite what you would be expecting my munchkin friends! You were probably expecting the extremely delayed "It came from the Hamster Times" - but worry not - when you least expect it, it will pop up and jump up and down repeatedly on your head. Mwah ha ha ha!
So, Christmas, created by the pagens, adopted by the Christians and abused by toy company marketting departments. What a wonderful time of the year it is. Remind me to slice a few extra pieces of bacon off the tree for you, my friend - and do, please do take the whole day off at Christmas - we're not Scrooge-like here y'know. So, what have we got in this delightfully festive edition? Goodness knows - You should do like me and read it and find out. Remember - mind your language, Granny does not approve!
N.Massey, all the better to see you with my dear, December 2004
Dear sir,
We know that you do not like to speak, so let us put words into your mouth!
So that explains all the trouble I got into last week!
If you would like to put pen to paper, then please do. Email tends to work a lot better though.Please direct any communication to... HamsterTimes at yahoo dot co dot uk and make sure you give us a subject of "Lettuce to the Editor".
Many thanks, and have several nice days.
A simple, honest, misreading of a fellow passenger's newspaper lead to a sudden spate of stating the blinking obvious in the Birmingham area this Morning.
Passengers on the 8.10 service to London Marylebone were shocked when fellow passenger, claiming to be Jack London, ran amock screaming "Soylent Green is people!" a reference to the classic Charlton Heston staring piece of near-future, depressing, science fiction. Jack later ranted that "this was the age... Of the train" (starting with a false falsetto and settling to end in a deeper tenor - echoing the claims of 80's British rail advertising)
People onboard were frozen in a state of fear while this was going on... Especially as his rantings took a much more simpler and obvious base. "I was so scared, I missed my stop," claimed one passenger, "I was previously unaware that things taken out of the oven might be extremely hot!" said another.
For the next 25 minutes Jack discussed the state of government in both this country and the United States, the speed of the train, the holes in his shoes, the fact that snow is cold and if you do stupid things, you'll often have a tragic end.
When taken from the train by transport police [for talking too loudly in a "quiet zone" coach, he blamed this morning's Metro newspaper whose front page read "dead may be deadly"
He later found that he had been mistaken, and actually "deadlines may be deadly." He has apologised to his fellow passengers and hopes that they took notes on his statement regarding the actual odds of winning the lottery. He has also resolved to ensure he reads the headlines of other people's newspapers correctly prior to jumping to conclusions, and to avoid deadlines as much as possible.
A
study released today from the Institute for mental illness in Stockholm has
revealed that the next stage of human evolution, a process that usually takes
millions of years, is less than a decade away. The study, released by Johan
Leftburgz details how, particularly the female of the species, will become more
bee like.
Now, like most people, we were sceptical; we hear so many stories of money spent on theories that are obviously existing only to give the person conducting the "research" a good income. However, this theory by Johan , a respected resident of the institution, holds much water. Through his use of speculation, and pretty pictures, we believe wholeheartedly in his findings
Over the course of the next decade, the average lady's body will start displaying "bands of colour", particularly around the midrift all the way to the top of her thighs. The cause, speculates Johan, is the fashion industry.
"The continual changes in the amount of skin being displayed, added to the increase in harmful UV rays will lead to bands of 'sun-tan' to appear at irregular intervals. This in turn will lead to a bee-like appearance."
Johan suggests that this evolutionary change may aid us when we want to hide on reality TV shows, such as Big Brother and I'm a celebrity get me my career back"
The brilliant scientist and inventor, Reed Richards has proclaimed his rocketship project and has donned the pseudonym "Mr Fantastic"
A week ago today, a rocketship powered by an alternative fuel source "imagination" took one great scientist, his best friend, and a brother and sister pair into space. During this time, they performed many experiments, and made rather rude shadow-puppets.
In a press release, prior to the launch, Mr Richards had this to say about the alternative fuel source.
"It is well known that we only use a small fraction of our brains, so, we aim to tap that unused potential and use it to fuel everything from cars to starships."
However, there was problems on re-entry, when Comic book creator, Stan Lee, on Earth imagined a bombardment of Cosmic Rays that would cause strange mutations in the crew as they re-entered the Earth's atmosphere.
Since arriving back on Earth, Ben Grimm - long time best friend of Reed, has an orange, rocky exterior and a huge amount of strength. Quite cruelly, his companions have taken to calling him "Thing". Susan Storm, sister of Johnney, seems to be hard to find - almost as if she's become invisible, while Johnney Storm, her brother, has turned into a man of flame. [For some reason, they call him "torch"]
Reed Richards decided to call himself "Mr Incredible" because of his amazing elasticity - however Disney's and Pixar's lawyers got involved, so he had to settle for "Fantastic". Sources say, he's quite bitter about the whole thing.
This edition of the HamsterTimes is copyright and all that jazz2004 N.Massey and is based on the HamsterTimes of Christmas past, with a smidgen taken from the HamsterTimes of Christmas Future. All springing from a random conversation nine years ago when Bill said "people say I have nothing about hamsters on my webpage"...
Remember. All stories are completely false. Any hint of truth is purely incidental. Just like your average tabloid newspaper... um.. shhh... I didn't actually say that.
The small print
I wish it could be Christmas, every day.
well... except that I don't - that would be awful. Well. I think it would. All those gifts - where would we all get the money? Even if you only bought one person, one gift - pretty soon you'd be in serious trouble. Well... unless you're a loan shark... But what people are going to do with a great white at Christmas...
I'm... dreaming, of a great white Christmas.
Repeats of Jaws on TV,
Where people, swim
And just, dive in.
Despite, repeated shark warnings...
That's all for the small print this year. Well. Except for a bunch of random words to make it look like there's a whole lot more content in this small print than usual. But, really, have a good Christmas, drink sensibly, and have a happy new year! Take care! Enjoy yourself! Don't get into debt! It's only Christmas! It's the thought that counts and "more money than sense - and there's not much money..."
Random hippo text rhino Britney Spears Chocolate pudding drop in the ocean monkey dung Christina Applegate Drew Barrymore, Barrymore, did you get very far? ah ha ! ah ha! ah ha ! Yeah! Yeah ! Yeah! Gloves for me yeah! Yeah! Yeah! You think you lost your gloves, well I saw them yesterday. It's me that was wearing them, but I lost them in the hay -doh- a dear, a female dear, dear, dear me what a countdown conundrum we have in our underpants of plenty during the midsummer eve drinking contest of spanking good highland game playing wibble, wibble, wobble, wobble, jiggle, jiggle, juggle, juggle, wibble, wibble, wobble, wobble, jiggle, jiggle, juggle, juggle, wibble, wibble, wobble, wobble, jiggle, jiggle, juggle, juggle, wibble, wibble, wobble, wobble, jiggle, jiggle, juggle, juggle, wibble, wibble, wobble, wobble, jiggle, jiggle, juggle, juggle, wibble, wibble, wobble, wobble, jiggle, jiggle, juggle, juggle, wibble, wibble, wobble, wobble, jiggle, jiggle, juggle, juggle, wibble, wibble, wobble, wobble, jiggle, jiggle, juggle, juggle, wibble, wibble, wobble, wobble, jiggle, jiggle, juggle, juggle, wibble, wibble, wobble, wobble, jiggle, jiggle, juggle, juggle, wibble, wibble, wobble, wobble, jiggle, jiggle, juggle, juggle, wibble, wibble, wobble, wobble, jiggle, jiggle, juggle, juggle, wibble, wibble, wobble, wobble, jiggle, jiggle, juggle, juggle, wibble, wibble, wobble, wobble, jiggle, jiggle, juggle, juggle, wibble, wibble, wobble, wobble, jiggle, jiggle, juggle, juggle, wibble, wibble, wobble, wobble, jiggle, jiggle, juggle, juggle, wibble, wibble, wobble, wobble, jiggle, jiggle, juggle, juggle, wibble, wibble, wobble, wobble, jiggle, jiggle, juggle, juggle, wibble, wibble, wobble, wobble, jiggle, jiggle, juggle, juggle, wibble, wibble, wobble, wobble, jiggle, jiggle, juggle, juggle, wibble, wibble, wobble, wobble, jiggle, jiggle, juggle, juggle, wibble, wibble, wobble, wobble, jiggle, jiggle, juggle, juggle, wibble, wibble, wobble, wobble, jiggle, jiggle, juggle, juggle, wibble, wibble, wobble, wobble, jiggle, jiggle, juggle, juggle, wibble, wibble, wobble, wobble, jiggle, jiggle, juggle, juggle, wibble, wibble, wobble, wobble, jiggle, jiggle, juggle, juggle, wibble, wibble, wobble, wobble, jiggle, jiggle, juggle, juggle, wibble, wibble, wobble, wobble, jiggle, jiggle, juggle, juggle, wibble, wibble, wobble, wobble, jiggle, jiggle, juggle, juggle, wibble, wibble, wobble, wobble, jiggle, jiggle, juggle, juggle, wibble, wibble, wobble, wobble, jiggle, jiggle, juggle, juggle, wibble, wibble, wobble, wobble, jiggle, jiggle, juggle, juggle, wibble, wibble, wobble, wobble, jiggle, jiggle, juggle, juggle, wibble, wibble, wobble, wobble, jiggle, jiggle, juggle, juggle, wibble, wibble, wobble, wobble, jiggle, jiggle, juggle, juggle, wibble, wibble, wobble, wobble, jiggle, jiggle, juggle, juggle, wibble, wibble, wobble, wobble, jiggle, jiggle, juggle, juggle, wibble, wibble, wobble, wobble, jiggle, jiggle, juggle, juggle, wibble, wibble, wobble, wobble, jiggle, jiggle, juggle, juggle, wibble, wibble, wobble, wobble, jiggle, jiggle, juggle, juggle, wibble, wibble, wobble, wobble, jiggle, jiggle, juggle, juggle, wibble, wibble, wobble, wobble, jiggle, jiggle, juggle, juggle, wibble, wibble, wobble, wobble, jiggle, jiggle, juggle, juggle, wibble, wibble, wobble, wobble, jiggle, jiggle, juggle, juggle, wibble, wibble, wobble, wobble, jiggle, jiggle, juggle, juggle, wibble, wibble, wobble, wobble, jiggle, jiggle, juggle, juggle, wibble, wibble, wobble, wobble, jiggle, jiggle, juggle, juggle, wibble, wibble, wobble, wobble, jiggle, jiggle, juggle, juggle, wibble, wibble, wobble, wobble, jiggle, jiggle, juggle, juggle, wibble, wibble, wobble, wobble, jiggle, jiggle, juggle, juggle, wibble, wibble, wobble, wobble, jiggle, jiggle, juggle, juggle, wibble, wibble, wobble, wobble, jiggle, jiggle, juggle, juggle, wibble, wibble, wobble, wobble, jiggle, jiggle, juggle, juggle, wibble, wibble, wobble, wobble, jiggle, jiggle, juggle, juggle, wibble, wibble, wobble, wobble, jiggle, jiggle, juggle, juggle, wibble, wibble, wobble, wobble, jiggle, jiggle, juggle, juggle, wibble, wibble, wobble, wobble, jiggle, jiggle, juggle, juggle, wibble, wibble, wobble, wobble, jiggle, jiggle, juggle, juggle, wibble, wibble, wobble, wobble, jiggle, jiggle, juggle, juggle, wibble, wibble, wobble, wobble, jiggle, jiggle, juggle, juggle, wibble, wibble, wobble, wobble, jiggle, jiggle, juggle, juggle, wibble, wibble, wobble, wobble, jiggle, jiggle, juggle, juggle, wibble, wibble, wobble, wobble, jiggle, jiggle, juggle, juggle, wibble, wibble, wobble, wobble, jiggle, jiggle, juggle, juggle, wibble, wibble, wobble, wobble, jiggle, jiggle, juggle, juggle, wibble, wibble, wobble, wobble, jiggle, jiggle, juggle, juggle, wibble, wibble, wobble, wobble, jiggle, jiggle, juggle, juggle, wibble, wibble, wobble, wobble, jiggle, jiggle, juggle, juggle, wibble, wibble, wobble, wobble, jiggle, jiggle, juggle, juggle, wibble, wibble, wobble, wobble, jiggle, jiggle, juggle, juggle, wibble, wibble, wobble, wobble, jiggle, jiggle, juggle, juggle, wibble, wibble, wobble, wobble, jiggle, jiggle, juggle, juggle, wibble, wibble, wobble, wobble, jiggle, jiggle, juggle, juggle, wibble, wibble, wobble, wobble, jiggle, jiggle, juggle, juggle, wibble, wibble, wobble, wobble, jiggle, jiggle, juggle, juggle, wibble, wibble, wobble, wobble, jiggle, jiggle, juggle, juggle, plop!
How passing strange was all that wibbling. I think I need to sit down and have a nice, cold, glass of water... Nurse!!!!