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Who would have thought it as we sat twiddling our thumbs this time last
year that we would sustain HT publication for a whole year. Wow! I have to
say I really wasn't expecting much - but I stand very much corrected thanks
to arches in my shoes. So what does this mean? It means the HT rebirth is
working! expect it to disappear without a trace later this year though...
that's what usually happens! A time for joy, a time for love, a time for
suicide bombers and crazy waves to mow down everything in their path. Not
sinch the chewits' muncher has there been so much devestation. And it's supposed
to be a loving, kind year... of all things!
Now... the sneaky peeks of you may have found something HT related around?
Have you? No? You're obviously not sneaky enough. Go to "http://hamstertimes.blogspot.com/"
and see...
It's the HT blog. Just all the story idea's we're thinking of before they appear in the next issue - whenever that may be... Of course... not everything will appeer..
N.Massey, woohoo! One year on and we're a little late, but still here! Februrary [just barely] 2005
"Viagra that last all weekend"
Pah! That's nothing - I've got viagra that lasts all YEAR! [Best before end Februrary 2006]!
"Increase the volume of your ejaculation. "
Because in a recent poll, your neighbours voted with a 53.8% majority that it was just too darn quiet!
"Some good news for you!"
We're going to stop sending you junk email that insults your intelligence. That is to say that we're going to start sending you junk mail that insults your stupidity!
If you would like to put pen to paper, then please do. Email tends to work a lot better though.Please direct any communication to... HamsterTimes at yahoo dot co dot uk and make sure you give us a subject of "Lettuce to the Editor".
Many thanks, and have several nice days.
It
was announced today by Clarance House that Prince Charlie will marry his long-time
lover Chameleon Pottery-Bowls in a service on the 8th of April - or sooner if
they get drunk in Vegas. Not that we care...
When Charlie [56] and Chameleon [57] marry, he'll be king but she'll just be the princess consort. Whatever that means. In a Poland last year, 32% of people would support Charles, 29% opposed, 38% didn't care either way and the remainder had no opinions - poor beggers that they are.
With Prince Charles' finances being looked into at this time, it is expected that 71% of people will be paying a "Charlie tax" in the future as part of their offer of support.
A much more recent poll carried out (in light of this new information) has shifted the vote to 89% against Charles and Chameleon marrying... Well, tough titties - it's too late to cry into your vodka martinis now people - you need to think these things through before you casually say "yes, I think I would like them to get married" Every action has an equal and opposite reaction. You have to think about these things - if you don't you might as well let the monkey loose in the cathouse!
Scientists
have decided to barcode all life - all species of plants and animals.
Initial projects will focus on birds and fish. It is expected that they may wriggle about a bit and make fixing a perminent barcode to them a bit tricky. In some cases, expert tattoo artists may be employed.
Researches expect it to take many years - what with there being about 1.7 million known species.
It has been said that not all the science community share this excitement. We spoke to one H.Amsterton who said "They're all bloody loonies. How are they going to barcode fleas ? And if they can - how much will it cost to produce a scanner to read the information. Bloody waste of taxpayers money if you ask me."
Crackdown
on animal rights extremists...although, animal lefts extremists are ignored.
Again! When will the world wake up to this "disaster waiting to happen?"
As part of the proposed Bill, it is expected that companies who deal with Animal research will be protected from the crazy people who don't believe in a rodent's right to enter further education and leave with a formal qualification. We spoke to one such rodent, who has asked to be allowed to remain anonymous [fearing retribution].
HT: Roland, as a former children's TV presenter and a brief musical career, why are you now moving into the arena of animal research?
RR: Yeah... hi rat fans! I'm really pushing for all the rats, hamsters, gerbils, guinea pigs ... well... and non-rodents too, like cats, dogs, monkeys, double-ya bushes to be entitled to a decent education. As a young ratling I was thrust into the limelight with my popular entertainment show, but I had no formal educational skills, and with the bottom falling out of the rodent presenter marketplace I had nothing to fall back on. So I turned to animal research.
HT: That's very commendable Roland, but what do you hope to get from this?
RR: Yeah, I'm researching my Phd in "advanced quantium physics" with a "gene mechanics and biological meddling" side topic.
HT: But where do you expect your degree to take you?
RR: Yeah, I hope to join the space programme and find a cure for cancer.
HT: That's interesting, but do you think that a former superstar like yourself would have problems "fitting in" with the teams of scientists and technical support staff that such facilities typically have?
RR: I know what you mean, yeah, I'm always being turned away from "posh" restraunts. They always throw the "environmental health" act at me, and I think it's just down-right wrong. This Bill is the first step in the right direction of "equality for all animals"
HT: Thank you, and good luck with the PHd.
This edition of the HamsterTimes is copyright, copyleft and copy dead centre 2005 N.Massey and is based on the some not-so-funny things that may (or many not) have actually happened in the news lately. All sprouted from the brainchild of what was called... at one point... "Twin and Earth productions..."
Remember. The truth will out.
The small print
Tommy can you see it? Can you see the small print? Tommy can you hear it - I guess if you have a talking browser you might. Tommy... Tommy... Tommy... I have a message from one Robert Ball. He says... he says "rock on" and "you're getting on my tits." How remarkable Coleman? I used to like Curry walker, but then I had the runs. And who says crass and crude entertainment isn't dead ? It's surely coughing up blood and no mistaken identifish.