Baby Kae's Story

This particular story starts out happy. Kieron and I were just thrilled to discover we were pregnant. It hardly took any effort at all! Talk about easy. "How could it be that people had trouble with this.....", we naively thought. We congratulated ourselves, shook each others hands, were really darn proud of ourselves. "We're going to be parents! How do you like that?" We didn't know this would be the start of a long road of difficulty and sadness. At this point, it was simple. We were happy. We had just started out and were more worried about the changes our lives would undergo with a little one around than about the possibility that something would happen to prevent this from occuring.

We had taken a pregnancy test just a few days before I went away to a 3 week long dance workshop. It came back with a faint positive and we stood there wondering, "Could this be true?" We decided I would go to the workshop as planned and just take it easy. I still wasn't convinced it was happening but as each day passed without my period, it seemed I was going to have to face facts and realize that I was going to be a mother! Wow! So much worry and insecurity was brought up by that thought - What if I would be terrible at it? What if I wasn't competent? What if I didn't like my child? What if I didn't watch him/her carefully enough and they hurt themselves? What if they turned out like me and wandered off instead of coming straight home after school? This was alot to take in. Even though I really couldn't wait to see my child, I was convinced that I wasn't prepared for motherhood and wondered how I could ever accomplish this in a mere 9 months. I needed a crash course.

At the workshop, I didn't reveal my secret to anyone, not right away anyway. But in the second week, I was faced with a rolling partnering exercise on the floor that I felt I shouldn't do because it involved engaging my torso in such a way that didn't seem wise, given my "condition". So, out came my news. Overall, I tried to be really careful but I think in retrospect, I wasn't nearly careful enough. I struggled with my desire to do good and interesting work, which for me meant being able to explore extreme movement choices. But on the other side, I didn't know what would be too much because this was the first time in my life that I was pregnant and I had no inkling of what to expect. I wish someone had told me to check my ego at the door. I didn't have to prove myself this time. This time I was pregnant, who cares how great a dancer/choreographer I am.

Once I opened up, I started to tell everyone I met. "Oh no, I can't drink coffee, I'm pregnant." "I should go rest, I'm feeling pretty tired from the pregnancy.", etc. I told my roommates at the YHA. One mother and daughter were so excited for me that they took me out for dinner. It's nice to think back on that. As far as they know, I have a child now. One of the other dancers and I became aquainted and began looking at baby books together in the bookstore, looking for names, but they didn't have many scandinavian names. I seemed to be leaning strongly towards the girls section and found myself thinking a lot about a daughter.

Within the workshop we explored many improvisational settings. One morning, we started an improvisation incorporating props and things from around the room. I got up, stood sideways in the middle of the set, stuffed a pillow into my shirt and pretended to be quietly bursting with child. One guy entering into the improvisation, approached me, removed my pillow to then insert it into his own shirt, mimicing EXACTLY what I'd been doing. It was hilarious, he is a giant of a guy, everyone laughed and this started a recurring motif where periodically someone would insert or remove the pillow from inside their shirts, or someone elses, or from behind the curtains. It was possible that everything in the room could filled with the potentional of pregnancy. It was so much fun and it seemed that everyone was really appreciating my pregnant thoughts. I liked that they were so into it. And when I think back on it, it seems that the most physical and carefree interaction I've had with others during any of my pregnancies happened right here, in this moment. I appreciate this.

Soon the workshop came to a close and on the last day, we performed our work and then went out for coffee(decaf for me!). My big "pillow partner", who is actually a rather gruff, unpredictable guy, waited with me at a very busy intersection before escorted me across saying, "I'll protect you, little mama." I giggled, but I was very touched by his gesture.

Once home, we went to the doctor, our first visit. Immediately I disliked him intensely. He did a blood test and then proceeded to berate us for being financially ill prepared. Because I was not yet a permanent resident, I did not qualify for public assistance. And we had not been able to afford private insurance. However, Kieron had just gotten his Australian citizenship, so we had already begun the process of applying for permanent residence for me. Basically, we hadn't anticipated getting pregnant so quickly and easily! It would only be another few months until my statis changed, but still, he made a point of making us feel terrible about it. Also, since we knew we would be moving to Sydney in July, the doctor pointed out how we needed to get booked into the hospital and birthing center NOW, before even moving there. This was difficult because we had no idea where we would be living to know which hospital to choose. Thinking about all of this was very new to us.

Then he proceeds to tell us that the only physical activity he thinks a pregnant woman should do is walking. I was shocked. For me, being a dancer and having seen many a pregnant woman doing lots of varied physical activities, I thought this guy was a bit of a fanatic. Walking huh. Another pregnant mom I knew was horsback riding, another one rode her bike everywhere, another went for runs. I was a dancer and I had classes to teach. My own mentor was dancing and teaching right up to when she delivered. Why was I supposed to only walk? The best answer he could give me was that my baby would be bigger. He told me that too much exercise made small babies with small brains and if we wanted a smart baby, I needed to reduce my exercise to walking. Thanks to him, I am now so paranoid about any activities during pregnancy that I can hardly be active when I am not!

I kept dancing, right up to when I miscarried. For weeks leading up to this, I had twinges and pangs that I asked everyone about. My sister called them growing pains - stretching ligaments she said. Our doctor sent us away with no prenatal vitamins, no folic acid, no info at all. I felt really lost, not knowing how to proceed, not knowing how to specifically take care of myself. Oh I knew how to take care of myself ordinarily, but I wasn't sure about my pregnant self. Is it different? Were there things I should or shouldn't do, eat, think?

Our doctor was good about one thing - he managed to get University Housing to NOT spray for wasps in our building. One day, we got this note in the mail stating that the university intended to spray our flats for wasps and they requested that all pets, small children, babies and PREGNANT women vacate the flats for the day of the spraying. What?

Kieron calls up University Housing and asks if the insecticide is dangerous for pregnant women and their developing babies. They say, "We'll get back to you on that." They don't. In the meantime, Kieron calls our doctor. He was LIVID. He said, "No way was I to be anywhere near these insecticides." Chemicals of this nature can be the cause of first trimester miscarriages. He said, "I'll take care of this." And he gladly writes them a fax.

When I called University Housing back with this information, I was met with terrible resistance. Apparently, the insecticide company said otherwise, that insecticide spraying DOES NOT harm developing babies and they were going to go ahead with the job the next day, regardless of our pregnancy. WHAT??!! She then proceeds to chastize me for not telling her sooner about this and said "things couldn't be changed now at the last minute" and that it was "my own fault for not informing them sooner." Rephrased - spraying for wasps that weren't bothering anybody was much more important than our baby's life, which if lost, would be my fault anyway. I managed to spit out that we HAD informed them from the moment we had been notified of their intentions and that our doctor strongly opposes my being around lingering insecticide residue and that if they were planning to follow through, we would have to move out TONIGHT! We ended our conversation with much anomosity. Our doctor faxed the letter, expressing his concern and displeasure for our predicament. They never ended up spraying. We lodged an official complaint to the Uni, and no one ever bothered us again.

One week later, we miscarried.

It started out as a regular day, ending as a day forever remembered. We had just spent the evening with another pregnant couple, looking at pregnancy books, discussing my odd occasional twinges, exchanging doctors numbers - doing all those things one does when pregnant. I had just briefly looked at the "When Things Go Wrong" chapter in the What to Expect When You Are Expecting book. But they say to not look at that chapter unless something is wrong, so I didn't look further - didn't want to jinx myself. Thinking back, I think that is such a STUPID thing to write - I want to know all that can go wrong so that I can know the accompanying signs, they tell us not to look for fear that it will scare us. This seems crazy to me.

We get home and I feel strangely restless. Once in bed, I just couldn't get settled. So, I decided to get up instead of keeping Kieron awake with my tossing. I was having pains, but they seemed to be not unlike the twinges and pangs I had had before. I thought maybe lying on the floor in constructive rest might help, while down there, my back started hurting terribly. I still didn't want to think about what this could possibly mean, I wanted to deny it - if I didn't believe it, it wouldn't happen. Positive thinking, right? As my pains intensified, I wondered about getting Kieron up, but I didn't want to disturb him, thinking, "He will have many a sleepless night in the not-to-distant future." This turned out to be true, but not for the reasons I had in mind.

When I got up to use the toilet, I was shocked to see blood! I tried to come to grips with this when all of a sudden I felt a pop. A small human form the size of a stone shot out of me into the toilet bowl. I was so stunned, shocked - I yelped. Kieron shot out of the bedroom and I just stood there shaking, not wanting to believe it. "Something just came out of me....what if it was......what do we do?" Out of sheer shock, an impulse came over me and before I could stop and think, I flushed the toilet! Oh my God! What if that was my baby?! How could I do that? I have regretted this so deeply from that moment onward.

After contacting the hospital, we called a cab and headed over to Emergency. They got us into a room immediately, and were very good with us. After observation, no more bleeding or pain, they sent us home with an appointment in the morning for an ultrasound. What a long night, we still clung to the hope that our baby was still with us. At the ultrasound in the morning, our worst fears were confirmed. My first ever ultrasound was to be my last with this baby. They took their time and were very compassionate. I remember a young doctor with glasses performing the ultrasound, he was very sad for us. They confirmed that I had a Complete Miscarriage and that I should expect any bleeding to subside over the next few days. They gave us a few gentle hugs, and sent us to see the bereavement counselor. She talked with us for a while, and sent us home with a packet of information on pregnancy loss. Since then, I read all that I can on the subject.

I really craved to have something by which to remember our baby. I remembered, The Pregnancy Tester! I had kept it for a while and had just thrown it into the rubbish a few days before. Luckily we hadn't emptied it yet, and low and behold there it was. Since then, I have kept all my testers, even Soren's, for whom we tested while traveling in the U.S.

We wondered what to name our baby. At first it was 'Baby K.' for Karin and Kieron, then it changed to 'Baby Kae' - our baby could be either a boy or girl. We didn't know. Life was a struggle for a long time after this, still is. I was pregnant with many friends so I sat by and watched them have their children. With each pregnancy, this has been so. I lost faith in myself and stopped dancing. I stopped doing alot of things. I blamed myself, I must not have done the right things. We endured many hurtful but well-meaning comments, comments that have become more and more difficult to accept with each consecutive loss.

After moving to Sydney and not being able to get pregnant again for well over a year, we were finally sent to an infertility expert. We had just started into a battery of tests when I got pregnant for the second time! This news brought a little hope back into my life. I started to knit things for this next baby, thinking that if I dove right in, it would be good luck.