Thoughts of my past

       This page is full of my thoughts I previously published on the main page. They are continually moved here as the old ones are replaced by newer ones. You can see it as a kind of archive. The dates in the brackets are the dates of when I published them on my page. They were usually written one day before they were put online.

Being hurt (June 16^th 1999)

       On Tuesday, the 15^th of June I was hurt. The second worst in my life. It is 18:15 (6:15pm) that day now, as I am typing this. Many thoughts are in my head. This is the situation: There is a friend of mine. We are fine friends, but I keep getting hurt by her. Last time I asked her not to do something. It was very, very important to me. She promised me not to do it. But we had a fight and we had no contact for three weeks, because she could not come online, but I know she planned to see me as soon as possible. And she DID what I asked her not to do. And I am not telling you the exact way she told me. (Just for your imagination: Imagine you would leave your friend with your dog. You would trust your friend. He would feed your dog, care about him, make him feel comfortable without you. When you return, after three weeks, you see your dog dead. Your friend tells you he did not feed the dog. He didn't care about it at that moment. You can not believe that, but it's true. The dog is dead. You have to face the fact. But then he adds that he enjoyed looking into the dogs eyes, as the dog was crying, begging for food. The dog was thinner and thinner everyday. After the first week he even started to bite meat from his own legs off. And your friend tells you it was the best thing he has personally ever seen. And he is your friend !  How would you feel ?  I am feeling similarly. (Of course I am a bit exaggerating, no one died, but it is the way I feel. You know, the way 'How could you DO that ???').) Did she have the right to do something what she promised not to do, just because we fought ?  Is it my fault ?  Am I too sensitive ?  Am I too demanding ?  Am I just too selfish, wanting her to keep her promise ?  Am I too selfish being mad at her when she hurts me ?  Is it wrong to hate that she hurts me ?  Is it selfish to ask her NOT to hurt me ?  Is it wrong to hate the fact that she did it ?  Does she really not realize what she does to me ?
       Or is it her fault ?  Does she realize it but it isn't worth her to stop ?  Does she think I will survive every pain ?  Does she actually care ?  Does she ever think about the consequences of her deeds ?  Does she think about my feelings ?  Does she actually care about them ?  If yes, why does she not behave like she would care about me or my feelings ?  Why does she say she cares if she does such things ?
       Does she have the right to expect me to care about her ?  Am I normal ?  Is she normal ?
       Why do I still care ?  I don't know, but I still do. Maybe it is just me being selfish, kind of wanting her to be "mine". I am convinced I am selfish. My head hurts... Ouch. Maybe I didn't have the right to ask her not to do it. But that does in no way change the pain I feel inside. A part of me died. And it will never come back. I still would want to know if I should be her friend no matter what. I don't want to hurt her. I had enough experience to know how it feels, to be hurt. To be really hurt. I don't think there is a bigger hurt than what she did, except for losing someone we love. And I have always wanted to have a clear conscience. To be able to look back, when time passes by, and say I did not hurt a friend. I also don't want to lose her. Maybe we got too close. Or she still means so much to me. But I don't know if in the right sense. Or I am somehow dependent on her. I will probably forgive her. But it will never be the same. She is losing me with every bit of pain she pours into my soul. I am actually not sure about anything. Probably the only thing I am sure of is that I don't want to hurt, but I don't want to be hurt either. I don't know what to do. How to go on. Someone please help.
       I know this piece of writing is unfair to her and expresses only my feelings, attitudes and opinions. If she reads this one day (I have to publish this page), I am giving her the chance to write about her point of view. Here is my promise, that I will accept and publish whatever piece of text she writes as a response to my text.
       You know what is funny ?  Even with my head hurting, feeling like crap, stopping to care about everything (as I thought about this 'I don't care about anything' state of my brain, I found out that it probably is a natural defensive reaction to being hurt), listening to You Get What You Give by the New Radicals (which is a truly great painkiller. If you ever feel like the world is crashing onto you, listen to this. This song's power is unbelievable. The message is 'Don't give up !' and in this form, as it is presented in this song, it is great. I have playing it on repeat.), I still read this text over and over, giving it some style, making it worth reading, correcting the grammar and just making it look pretty, too. Even the background music was chosen today to fit my mood. At first I chose Athair Ar Neamh by the Irish singer Enya, but it was only sad. I am not only sad, I am angry, too. Therefore you hear this. Maybe I do all this work just because I want people to read it... and if they care, to write me (if that link happens not to work, my address is roman_korcek@hotmail.com). I am thankful for everything in advance.

Crazy (June 17^th 1999)

       Today I was told that I am crazy. And you know what ?  I agree. I admit it, I am crazy. I behave crazy. I am kind of crazy (just look at the previous lines). But it's my way. It's the way I live, it's the way I talk, it's the way I act. It is me. I am very open sometimes. I tell people about my feelings. I trust people. I want them to know more about me, if they want. I am giving them the chance. Therefore I started working on this page. Therefore I talked about my feelings recently (yesterday). I was destroyed on the inside and I wanted the world to know. I showed everyone the inside of my soul. What I felt. Who I am. Crazy. My friends accept me as I am. Crazy, not crazy, it is always me, Roman. And that will never change. People who do not know me can choose. Either they say I am crazy, after reading the previous update's thought, or they like it. Some do, some don't. I can't and I don't want to change it. Everyone is himself, if we like it or not. Everyone is free to have his own opinion, but he shouldn't judge. At least IMHO (In My Humble Opinion). If he does, it's his choice. And it's my choice not to like it.
       So, people, do you want to know the moral of the story ?  Everyone is individual either you like it or not. Don't judge basing on a piece of text. Don't judge basing on someone's homepage. Don't judge without knowing one. And even then, it's better not to judge. I don't think anyone has the right to judge. And, I know. I am crazy.

Suicide (June 18^th 1999)

       Why do some people think everything will be OK when they die ?  Why do people commit suicide ?
       They don't see any other way. They think their life is not worth it anymore. They think it can't get better. They think they've lost everything. Maybe they have.
       But maybe not. Maybe they still have friends. Maybe they still have friends who care about them. Friends, who don't want them to die. Friends, who are trying to help. Who want them to be alive. To be there. Friends, who think that suicide is wrong. That the only thing it does is hurt the ones who care.
       And what if they have children ?  What about THEM ?  How will they live without a Mommy or a Daddy ?  Some kids DO know how it feels. Some lost one of their parents because of an accident. Some lost their parent because of suicide. And I don't think the last-mentioned ones, when they grow up, will forgive their parent that he has left them. Alone in the big world, without a Mommy. Or a Daddy. They rely on their parent. He's supposed to always be there. No matter what. To help them. To see them grow up. To hear their first word, to see their first tooth, be there as they take the first step. And later, they will have a girlfriend, or a boyfriend. A family. And their own children. And they would like to show them to the grandparents. Is this not worth living ?  Seeing yourself being immortal in your babies ?  See all this (why are tears in my eyes, people ?) ?  It MUST be worth living !  Someone, who loves his kids, can't kill himself. He can't do that to them. And all the other ones, who care. They will not accept the idea of losing him. It is not allowed to happen. He CAN'T kill himself. Not if he is my friend.

Alone (July 6^th 1999)

       Have you ever felt alone ?  Like there has been someone. Someone you shared your life with. Someone who has been close to you. You told him your most secret ideas, wishes, dreams and fears. You spent time together. Every day. You talked. It seemed like eternity. You were sure he would always be there. That you will always have someone to talk to. Someone, who knows more about you than you do yourself. Someone, who'll never be gone. And you couldn't imagine life without him anymore. You better never thought about it.
       But suddenly, he isn't there. Life let things happen which you hoped would never come true. And now you are alone. No one to talk to. At least not the way you are used to. You have talked about everything, no matter what. Things, that are private and nobody in the whole world knew about them. Except you. And him. With no shame or embarassment. This was the way you've been. Close. Now he's gone. And it can never be as it was. You have to let everything you would like to say inside you. There is no one that close to let him know. You can't share your soul anymore. And you feel alone.
       It's a big change. And you don't like it. It's very difficult, not to be able to speak freely. You start looking for someone else. You want to have someone close to you again. But that isn't possible this fast. You open yourself to people, but they aren't ready. The time you have spent with your friend before can't be just created in one week. And you have to wait. Wait what seems like an eternity until you find someone who you choose to let close to you. Who might understand you. And who will let you close to him, too. You have to wait. And I feel like that now. Alone.

Wisdom (August 24^th 1999)

       'Es liegt eine Traurigkeit in ihrer Weissheit.' It's the 25^th of July and I am just zapping through the TV channels, hoping to find something worth my interest. Without any success. For a short while, I stopped at the Coneheads. A movie I've heard about but never have actually seen it. There I suddenly heard that line. It is German, and it means 'There lays a sadness in your wisdom.'. And it made me think. How is wisdom achieved ?  Can it be achieved without pain and the resulting sadness ?  (BTW: People have said they see only question marks in my thoughts. Is it good or bad ?  Tell me.) Or is it impossible ?  Wisdom is achieved through knowledge. Knowledge through experience. And here we come to the dividing point. It can be our own experience, or the experience of someone else. We can read books, watch films, listen to people - gather second-hand knowledge. Or we can get more clever based on our own experiences. The experiences can be good or bad. Now let me think... are there more good or more bad experiences from which we learn ?  There aren't many things which work the first time we try them, so they are bad experiences. We learn from them and do it better next time. This way we get smarter. If something happens to work without the need to repeat it, we usually don't try to memorize the correct way we did it, because if we did it once without problems, we can do it again without problems. At least that's the way we think. So we learn from the bad experiences. And bad experiences mean pain. Pain in any form. We just suffer from something going wrong. From this point of view, wisdom means pain, and the sentence I heard in this 1993 U.S. comedy might be a bit deeper than I would expect.
       On the other hand, there also is, as I mentioned at the beginning, received knowledge. You know, the books etc. stuff. But this brings me back to how these people got their knowledge ?  I think, somehow logically, that this written-down, categorized and read-through knowledge (talking about books, but the theory works for other sources aswell) is also based on personal experience. Once again, even if not their own, when we go far enough back in time, someone had to feel pain to achieve wisdom.
       And the conclusion ?  I guess it's obvious. :-)  There is no way to be wise without suffering. Doesn't have to be yours, but it is there. It exists. Somewhere. If it isn't you, someone out there, somewhen out there, had to feel pain so you don't have to.
       If you are able to, learn about things before experiencing them by yourself. Many bad things can be avoided that way. Of course, I also know that no one remembers things as clearly as when he experiences them by himself. There is still a voice in one's had saying 'Is it really that way ?'. I know it. I have such a voice in myself, too. So we accept the risk of suffering for the advantage of having our own experiences. Weird, isn't it ?  And these experiences can be painful. And pain always means sadness. There lays a sadness in your wisdom.

Growing up (August 24^th 1999)

       Funny. It seems that I always get ideas what to write about on here whilst watching TV. :-)  Today, August 3^rd there is nothing special on TV, again. So I am watching an interview with the Backstreet Boys on MTV (no, I am not gay). It seemed like some kind of history thing at first, but it came out being an interview with some flashbacks. The first history-flashback was 1996's I'll Never Break Your Heart.
       I've thought about growing up many times. I was and still am wondering... does your soul change ?  Or only the outside ?  Or both... ?  Well, the body changes for sure... but the soul... difficult to answer. People say the soul changes, too. I am trying to observe if it's true and they're right or if it's wrong and I am right. That's of course particularly difficult because observing oneself as years pass by isn't easy. I always think I remain the same. That's natural, because if you don't actually care too much, you don't notice changes in yourself. They just come as they are needed and well, one doesn't realize. ... :-)  This way it seems that I am proving myself wrong, talking about changes. I am not (proving myself wrong). There are more different kinds of changes. The first ones are just on the surface. They affect your behavior. For example you might talk silently. You slowly realize you have to talk loudly, if you want to be heard (nice quote BTW...). So you start talking louder. The other kind of changes is a little similar, but still very different. They are what I call growing up. It is the evolution of attitudes. Things happen in your life that change or form your attitudes to things. And as long nothing stronger oppositewards (?) directed happens your attitude doesn't change. I hope you understand me. If not, let me give you an example. Imagine (well, maybe some won't need to) you like to buy things. You see something you like and you just buy it. You are happy to have done so, because you have fulfilled a small dream of yourself by doing this. But one day you see something that changes your attitude. You see the same you thing you have bought before, but for the half of the price you have paid. Or it gets broken after a short time of usage and you see something similar but being more robust somewhere else. For the same price, of course. So you start to think. You start to think about how to do things better. You begin thinking about what you buy and why you buy before you buy it, because you know your money might be spent in a more clever way. Naturally, you don't have such problems if you swim in money. But I personally don't, therefore I rather think. This was an example of how you might change your attitudes. But it doesn't mean your soul gets changed. So the question remains unanswered. And here a new problem comes up. What can I call 'my soul' ?  I had some problems figuring out. Though, I think I am at least close to truth with this opinion. With soul I usually mean the way of one's thinking. But that would require a longer discussion. Therefore in this case with soul I mean your deepest inner, where the attitudes and beliefs are, which are formed at an very early stage of your life. For example if you will be closer to the good side or one of the bad guys in life. Or a mixture. like most of us. Or, whether you are a racist or not. In the Backstreet Boys interview the song I'll Never Break Your Heart reminded me of my attitude to love, about three years ago. How I felt. And I also thought about how I feel about love at the moment. It did not change. These things according to my opinion don't change. The soul does not change, I think. Everything else changes, but our soul makes us individual. It remains the same.
       That's my opinion. Of course, it may change. I am still growing up.

Hackers <> crackers (November 2^nd 1999)

       I've been into computers since I was seven, when I got my first computer - an ATARI 800 XE. Since then I have definitely loved everything about computers and electronics in general. There are many things I have learned. And today I would like to share one of them with you.
       Have you ever noticed my nickname ?  I hope so, because otherwise I would have to start thinking about what I have done wrong with its propagation. ;-)  Anyways, back to the topic. What do you think it means ?  I am sure you hear about hackers now and then. A hacker hacked into the Pentagon computer. Hackers in Russia often work for commercial purposes - they are hacking into other companies' computers and practicing industrial espionage. Hackers are a threat to every computer on the internet. Stuff like that. But I don't think that you have ever thought about the history of this link - hacker = computer criminal. Or about that it might be used wrongly. Therefore I will tell you something about why I am using this nickname, what it means and actually the whole story.
       A long time ago, when computers stood in halls and calculating 2 + 2 up to the sixth place behind the decimal point took three hours, there weren't many people who understood these machines. And there were even less who knew how to program them. They were called Hackers. Only they understood these computers perfectly. They knew how they work, how to operate and how to program them. They knew everything about them. And they have have been respected by others and amongst themselves. Hackers not only programmed the computers, they also improved the programs of other hackers. This kind of an improvement was called a hack. Every modification served only the purpose of making something better. To change something in order to cause harm would be under their level. To make it clear they created a code saying that a hacker may not harm a computer system or its owner or user. This code was obeyed without any questioning - there was no sense in breaking it. Until once. Once there was someone who abused the trust amongst hackers and broke into another computer. This was a major event. Nobody has seen anything like that before and, of course, the press reported about it. But it didn't know how to call the intruder, so the press called him the only name they knew - a hacker. People were interested in this new kind of crime and they all read the story about how a hacker broke into someone else's computer. And there it all started. The people created a new association in their minds - a hacker is a computer criminal. The real hackers denied that they were involved in any manner and mentioned their code. They even invented a name for someone like that criminal - a cracker. Though a small part of the press agreed with them and started to call the intruder a cracker, the majority didn't. And the association in the minds of the people was too deep for that such a small minority of the press, which really cared, could change it. Therefore the association remained and there is an eternal shame on hackers which they absolutely do not deserve. However, there still are some people who try to tell the truth and give the term "hacker" the proper meaning. I am one of them. I have to say, it is very difficult. People's ignorance makes my fight for truth seem vain sometimes but I haven't lost hope yet. I would be very pleased if you would join me and spread the word. So if anyone tells you that an evil hacker hacked into the Pentagon again, please, tell him that someone like that is properly called a cracker and if necessary tell him the whole story. Please.
       To my nickname - Hacker. The meaning of "hacker" has evolved a bit since the sixties and now it doesn't necessarily mean someone who can operate computer standing in halls perfectly. Today it is someone who loves computers and software, who loves exploring the principles of their function. For instance: a normal user uses Word to write a letter, not caring about the functions or any extra settings. A hacker, as opposed to a normal user, first goes through all the options and finds out what each does. Afterwards he sets them to his best convenience and finally he starts using the program. And that's me. That is why I am using this nickname and why it fits me. I love to explore everything about computers, both hardware and software (though probably more software). I love finding solutions to known problems and new questions to answer, after the old ones have been answered. I enjoy every aspect of working with the computer, except maybe for the flickering screen. And I would really love to be someone who deserves to be called a hacker by others, not just by myself. ;-)  And if you would want to know more about hackers and their speech and lifestyle, feel free to take a look at the Jargon File.
       Coming to the end, I would like to ask you to remember the story and help hackers regain their respect back. Please.

The Hump (January 7^th 2000)

       Christmas passed, New Year, too, and we're still alive. The world is still here, earth is still orbiting the sun, water in the rivers is still flowing, air remained breathable and the computers did not crash. What a surprise.
       Christmas time reminded me of a story our former Slovak language teacher once told us. It's very nice and I'd like to share it with you.
       Once, a man met a woman. The woman was the most beautiful one he had ever seen. He fell in love with her. He told her about his feelings but she showed no interest. She didn't like his appearance - mainly because of his big hump. She found it disgusting and did not hesitate to let him know. She didn't care at all. The man was sad and told her this story, "A long time ago, when I was in heaven and it was time for new babies to be born, I was chosen to be one of them, among others. There I saw a beautiful girl... she shone compared to all the others... she was so nice. At that moment I knew I would marry her one day. Soon the time of going to earth came and God was deciding about our everyone's fate. It was the girl's turn and God decided she would have to have a hump. There I came to God and asked him, 'God, please, give that hump to me. The girl doesn't deserve it... she is so beautiful... she could have such a perfect life... please don't spoil it with a hump. Rather give it to me... I can live with it... please.'. And so God changed his mind, gave the hump to me and now I am living my life with it. Everybody is staring at it or looks away disgusted... but I am fine. I know I have saved a girl's life from being like mine. I am fine.".
       And the woman married him.

Your love (January 21^st 2000)

       You. You know it's you who I mean. Who else could I mean ?  Is there anyone else I ever wrote for or about in my thoughts ?  You know it's you.
       Everytime. Everytime you just pop-in. Everytime it stirrs all the old memories up. Everytime I have to think about you again. Everytime.
       I am trying not to think about you. To let my mind rest. After all the thinking. After all the stress. After all the happiness. After all the despair. After all the thinking about the Why's and What for's. You once said 'lets move forward try not to dwell on the past'. And I am trying to. But it's so difficult. As for so many times, please, give me the chance of explaining my point of view. All of this is just my point of view. Though it might not be true, it's the way I see it. With time I noticed that you get less and less touched by any words coming directly from the deepest of my soul. I don't think it will be different this time. But I couldn't live like this anymore. I had to tell someone, and especially you.
       You have it easy. You have someone to talk to. I realized the other day when you sent me the few messages that I don't have anyone like that. No one that close that he would care listening to me and have something to say. This is the point where Dawson's Creek helped me. Seeing that I am not the only one feeling like I do helped. Like Joey once said, 'When my mom was dying and dad wasn't there, I had a friend, who was there for me. We spent everyday together and talked. Talked about my mom, about my dad, about everything I needed to. And at the end, when it was the worst and I just sat on the stairs in front of my house, he came, sat down next to me and without saying a word he just held my hand. For hours. And it helped.'. I feel like I would need someone like this. Someone to show a little more compassion. Someone who would understand me and not life. I don't need someone who tells me that life is like that and that a time will come when I will be OK again. Dammit I know that... but I am here now and I feel miserable. If no one can tell me anything that would make me feel better then someone please come, sit down next to me and hold my hand.
       Tears are blurring my vision. Maybe it's just selfpity. Maybe not. I don't know. I feel desperate. Everytime you just pop-in. I have to think about how it was and how it is now. What has changed and why. Why you do things you are doing and how it would have been if it went another way. This Christmas, '99, was awful. Almost as awful as the year before. I thought of you all the day. How happy you are. In the circle of your family, your kids. Seeing their shiny faces at the look of all the presents Santa brought. So happy. Not alone. Not wasting a single thought on me. Sitting there with my family, thinking about you, being happy without me. In a way, you are guilty of being happy when I am not. If you care about me, how can you be happy when I am sad ?  I guess you just do not care. Or, better said, you just don't care enough. Not anymore. In my opinion the turning point was the hospital. I don't know what happened there - if you realized that I didn't go there IRL or something that Lilly might have told you. I don't know. But since then everything went downhill. Everything. You met new people and let go of me. I was not needed anymore (my point of view). Where has all the care of the earlier days gone ?  What is with the 'I love you and wil;l never stop my sweet Roman' (original semicolon included) ?  Are these the words of someone who when seeing me leaving probably forever to 'Goodbye.' responds with 'yup' ?  Tears again. This makes me think you are a totally different person. Someone who cared that much -- how would he be able to change like that ?  Into this uncaring person who tries to hurt me...

'XXX is crawling up my top ;-)'
'What a pity it doesn't hurt me anymore.'
'Didn't think you could handle that'.

What did I do that terrible that you are trying to hurt me ?  Why do I deserve this ?  If you don't have a reason, hey, I can give you one. Remember when I told you about that Voyager episode ?  Probably not. When I said that it is possible that all the time I loved you. That it is now a possibility as of it never was before. I wasn't sure then, but it opened new ways for my thoughts to go. Later, one day, as I was going home I was thinking about meeting you in a chat. About talking about how we were since we parted. You would for sure ask me about how I was and if I found many new friends. And the conversation, as I imagined in my mind, may would have been like this,

'I haven't really chatted since we broke up.'
'Why ?'
'I realized that I wouldn't ever find a girl like you.'
'What was so special about me ?'

And there I stopped this fictious conversation, thinking. What was so special about you, that I wouldn't find it anywhere else ?  And, then, I suddenly knew the answer. I knew the answer to my feelings. All the months I didn't know what my feelings were -- now I knew.

'It was your love.'

And since then I am feeling totally terrible. I loved your love. Haven't felt it from a girl for so long that I fell in love with it. And now I don't know if I cared so much about you or about your love. I don't know. Only you do. Only you know how you felt. If my care was honest or not. And I am afraid to ask. Tears. I feel so miserable, so guilty, so contemptible. What if I have wasted almost a year of your life, hoping that I would find out what my feelings were, until you finally couldn't take it no more and left ?  What if ?  I don't know and I can't change it. But one thing gives me hope. Once you have said something like this (as I have it in my memory), '..., you gave me life when I was sick, Roman, I love you more than you will ever realize. I always will.'. Tears again. And now I am trying to avoid thinking about our time together because I don't know if I was only hurting you all the time and not knowing it. I feel miserable. So contemptible. Everytime I have to think about you. Everytime you pop-in. Everytime.
       Someone please help. Someone please sit down next to me and hold my hand. Please. Tears.

Nobody (January 21^st 2000)

       You still don't know. Don't know how it feels to be talking to you. And if you do, you don't show it. Makes no difference.
       To be talking to you this way. Maybe it is easy for you. This change. From being the closest to what we are now. Maybe you can handle it left-handed. To be the most caring person in the world and then suddenly show no care whatsoever. For me it is not. Not easy. To know what we have been and now to feel the way you are making me feel. Like there is no memory of the past. No nothing of the closeness. No care when talking to me. At least you show none. As if it always would have been like this. Where is the care ?  Where are any emotions ?  What have you become ?  Or what have we become ?  You say you have changed. I only noticed this change. You are talking to me with no care at all. As if you talk to me only because you must. You wouldn't mind no contact with me at all. It seems.
       It's been four months. And I am still not over the past. But everytime you talk to me it looks like the past never existed for you. Only the present. You have no problem in handling me like someone you don't need. Like someone who doesn't deserve to be treated with any feelings. No happiness when meeting me, no sadness when leaving. I feel like being just one of millions for you. Like no one special.
       Maybe I deserve it. Maybe I am just selfish. Maybe I am just longing for the past, for the love which is never to come again. Maybe.
       Tell me your opinion. If you care.

To talk (April 25^th 2000)

       Awful. This life can sometimes really be awful.
       I just read a book - "Three Chestnut Horses", by a Slovak female author, Margita Figuli. It tells the story of a man, Peter, who is in love with a girl since his childhood. He is adult now and decides to propose to her. He thinks that she still loves him and he is right. But he is a bit late, because another man, John, who is very rich proposes to her, too, and her greedy mother promptly accepts. The girl does respect her mother's wish and gets engaged. However, she promises Peter that she won't get married and will wait for him, but he would have to prove his love first. He has to build a house and be able to earn a living to show her that he really means it. He does so and after almost two years he returns to show her that he kept his promise. But she is married already, because her fiance raped her and made her pregnant and therefore she had to marry him, because otherwise it would be a big shame for her (- baby outside marriage). She lives an awful life, not loving her husband and seeing how much he hates her because she doesn't love him. She doesn't know what the word 'joy' means anymore. Peter is desperate. She is married and he can't do a thing about it. Although he is often tempted to do something really bad to John, he never gives up his hope in life and justice and resists. And once, as John is torturing one of his horses it kicks him into his head and he dies. Peter's faith in life and moral is rewarded, he gets the girl and they live happily ever after.
       Yo. There I was, thinking. The good guy gets the girl. Thinking that I am a good guy and never get the girl, it gave me hope. In the epilogue the book was called a fairy tale. There went my faith.
       Greetings to Arven. She is one of the people this page is dedicated to. And she was one of the editors of the Czech computer games magazine called 'Score'. I really liked her reviews and in one she said a very true thing. "When you are a child, the most important question for you is, 'Where is my bucket ?!? (ie to play with sand)'. When you are in your teens, the question changes to 'Why does nobody love just me ?'." How true.
       I'd need someone to talk about such things. Things one goes through in his teens. It's difficult, to have no one close. And yeah, it should be a girl (actually, it could be a guy, too, but I think that girls are in general more caring and understanding than guys). Even if it wouldn't be a girlfriend, it would be nice to have someone who you can talk to about anything, who would understand. Who would not judge. Just understand. Not get angry, not annoyed. Who would always have time. An ear to listen and if needed a shoulder to cry. Someone like that. She doesn't have to be a girlfriend. Though there is a desire for a girlfriend, I know that it is very strongly influenced by my age. But my age also influences my thinking and it gets more and more difficult to stand above things and see them as they are and not as my hormones would like to make them look. And I would need someone who would help me in this, to get a real view, in case I would drift too far away.
       Sometimes I have the desire just to let go and behave according to my age. But I keep resisting and am the Roman who tries to be more than what his age would like him to be. To be the Roman he thinks he is. Still, who knows if this is the right way ?  I guess I would need to talk to someone... *smile*.
       There were people who I could talk to. Like Claire. Thank you. Thank you for having been there when I needed to talk to someone. What a pity we got so distant. You always had ideas I would never think of. You helped me. Thanks. But I need someone who doesn't live 8 hours (in northern hemisphere summer) or 10 hours (in northern hemisphere winter) earlier. Someone who would be there for me. Who would talk as beautifully as you or Eleanor did, be as compassionate as Angela was. Someone who would be willing to stay up until 2 am just to be with me. *smiles at the memory* Or rather not. I might fall in love with her. Argh, who cares, I fall in love with every other girl anyways. Nevertheless, I need someone. Someone to be close to me.
       Or is it just my age making me think like this ?

What is love ? (May 11^th 2000)

       Just been thinking... Yeah, I know... doesn't happen very often ;-)... Well yesterday I was happy. And people who know me know that I am not happy very often. I may be content, but not totally happy. That might be just because of my age, but that doesn't matter now. Well, I was happy. I was out with a girl who I like quite much. It wasn't a date, though. She doesn't show that kind of interest in me. But we're friends. I'm not sure how special I am to her, but she is very special to me. She is caring, understanding, modest, honest, loyal, mature and in some ways immature, too, but this is one of the things which make her imperfect and so human. She is there for her friends as much as she can be. She listens. She tries to understand. She is sensitive... and compassionate, though she doesn't show that that much. I spent one hour with her yesterday. And today, too. We talked, had fun. Talked seriously, about our problems, our experiences... about everything that seemed important. We just had a beautiful time. At least I had ;-). We also talked about how we ranked eachother on a friendship-scale, 1 being the worst friend and ten being the best. Actually, she asked me. Overall, guys and gals together, she ranked 9 together with my two best friends, I told her. Among girls she ranked 10. Then I returned home and thought about it. What would she need to get an overall 10 ?  I would have to be able to talk to her about everything. Sometimes she tells me that something bad happened to her and I am afraid of showing her that she's not alone and that I care, either by saying something - well - sweet, or by doing something like holding her hand, cos If I would do that I think she would consider it as an act of love and that is inacceptable (from me). When I was head over heels in love with her and she had a boyfriend, she put me onto a - as I call it - "zero diet", which was a period of three weeks during which she didn't talk to me, to help me clear things up with myself. And I never want to go through that again. Not because I feel affection for her. And I guess that's the reason why I am afraid to show it. At least not too obviously. She may notice the care in the way I look at her or in the tone of my voice. Talking about care, I found out that there is nothing physical in my affection. Just care, care, sympathy, care and sympathy again. So what am I feeling ?  Love ?  Or, as it is expressed better by the term 'in love', am I in love with her ?  I don't know. I feel that I could take her into my arms and caress her if she would be unhappy... and I would take on the world if someone wanted to hurt her. Is it love, or is it just some kind of deep friendship and care ?  Or is it maybe just sympathy ?  She's had a hard life and I feel compassion for her. But I hope it's not the only feeling I feel, cos that would be very unfair to like her just because I sympathize with her. She deserves more. So what is it that I feel ?  Is it everything together ?  I don't know. If it is love, then I guess I was wrong in my previous thought. Does anyone know how I feel ?  And if yes, can he tell me what I feel ?  Thanx in advance.

       Today we saw eachother again... this time shorter. Actually, the time we were alone was shorter. Then some of her friends joined us and we played a kind of ball game. (You try to keep a cloth of the size of a tennis ball filled with rice in the air just by kicking it.) Was fun until I fell and scratched my elbow prettily on the ground. We went on playing for about 45 minutes and then I left. She went with me part of the way home and we agreed on seeing eachother tomorrow. She won't have much time then, too. And I went home.
       I don't know. I feel like crying. And don't even know why. Those two hours, one on Tuesday and one on Wednesday were so beautiful... we talked about things only close friends do... and it was so perfect... I felt like someone special to her. Today it was... well... not my thing. I am not the type of guy who goes out to participate in some sport activities. The less when I am supposed to be with her. It was just totally different than the days before. We could not talk about any private things... I dunno. And the thought of tomorrow, that it will be so short could certainly be better. I guess quality goes over quantity.
       Don't know what else to write. I guess I just needed to express my feelings to someone, even if only to my webpage. Thanx for listening.

What will she say ? (September 13^th 2000)

       The 3^rd of September. 19:29 (7:29PM). Tomorrow is school. After two months of holidays, as every year. What will she say ?  I wonder.
       The story began two years ago (I hope it wasn't three, cos I'd look really stupid...). Here in Slovakia we have classes (in school) of the same age level separated by naming them A, B, C and sometimes there are even as many as F. The letters don't mean anything, you could replace them by numbers if you'd like. I was attending A and she was attending B, but then she changed her class to A. And so I got to know her. Katey. I guess she is one of the most outgoing people I know and so it was easy to get friends with her. Yeah... friends. If it would be so simple. It went further on my side. I fell in love with her. *smile* That was a problem. She had a boyfriend, and I was in a sort of internet relationship, too. But I fell in love. Well and she dumped me. That was to expect I guess. I wrote about that zero-diet thing already. She thought it would be best if we wouldn't have contact for a while. So we didn't talk to eachother for three weeks. Hmmm... it wasn't of much help, though. That was in July '99. Later, well, later I didn't behave like I was in love with her. I tried to be a friend. Probably with the subconscious idea of getting closer to her with time and well maybe later something. It went so far that I convinced myself that I was not in love with her... I lied to her and to myself.
       She was very often sick and therefore not in school. And she needed to catch some tests up and study for them. As I am thought to be a good student, I got the uneasy task of teaching her all she missed. She was often with me, at my place or outside, and we studied together. Maths, History... and I loved it. To be alone with her, talking about whatever we like when there is enough time... laughing... just being together. And I still lied to myself. Everybody kept telling me, "Come on, you are in love with her, how can you deny it ?" *smile* I don't know. I guess when I would admit it to myself then I would lose everything I had. The friendship. Or maybe not the friendship, but the false hope.
       One day we were out. She told me, just by the way, that she will be probably going with a good friend of hers. When I heard it I couldn't deny my feelings anymore. It wouldn't hurt that much if I would consider her just a friend. And I told her that I was in love with her. She was honestly surprised. Later I thought about it and wondered if she didn't suspect anything because of the way I behaved since now I think that I was probably in love with her all the time. It probably reached its high when we were seeing each other so often when studying, but it was there all the time. And when I told her that I think I feel more and can't deny it anymore she wasn't happy.
       Strange. I have been thinking about it a lot afterwards. I was probably thinking that she would change her mind if we got closer as friends. That she would get to know me better and maybe like me more. How wrong I was.
       And I had to think - why does this always happen to me ?  I don't mean that I get turned down, but that I fall in love with every girl that shows any amount of interest in me. So far it has happened far too often. It seems that I am unable to be friends with a girl. I either fall in love with her or show no interest at all. Why ?  I don't think it is normal. Or is it ?  Somebody jump in and correct me if I am wrong, please. This is slowly becoming a problem. Another girl joined my class a year ago. I became friends with her, probably with the hope of becoming more. At the end of the term, two months ago, I asked her if it would be possible and she said no. And I lost all interest in her. That is sick. It is wrong. I am not supposed to feel like that. The more when I am in love with another girl. I feel bad and guilty. She honestly doesn't deserve this just because of my stupid behavior. I don't know what to do. Why do I feel like that ?  Hormones ?  I can't use "hormones" as an excuse for everything. Is anyone out there who feels the same ?  Or who has any idea about why I feel like I feel ?  Why I either want nothing or more than friendship ?  Someone please help.
       The strange thing is that I have a certain limit. I found out about that just a few weeks ago. It seems that I can be friends with girls over twenty. That there is not much chance that I would love them. Sorry Kathy (please note that Kathy isn't Katey) that I found out so late. I wish you had a better year than the one you had to experience with me. Anyways, it is no problem to be friends with girls over 20. Greetings to Darla. *smile* Funny is that 19 is still a problem. I wonder if and how this limit moves with my age. I will find out, sooner or later I guess.
       But back to my current situation. I haven't seen Katey for about 3 weeks now (or was it four ?). It seems that I am on a zero-diet again. The thing is, I don't care. I lost hope. I am probably still in love with her, but I am not sure about anything now. With every thing I am "sure" about I risk that I am lying to myself. So I am rather not sure. And I am neither sure about what will it be like in the future. Can we be friends ?  Am I able to be just friends with her ?  I am afraid that I have too much interest in her and that it just won't work. Or maybe I have enough of being in love with someone who doesn't feel the same. I don't know. What a pity you can't change the difficulty in life to "easy" sometimes.
       Well we will see. Tomorrow is school. I wonder what she'll say.

The year (July 25^th 2001)

       Hey. Months have passed, my life went on. Sorry for not having written for such a long time but I didn't feel the need to. I usually found someone to talk to if I needed to talk and so I didn't have to express myself here. Not that I wouldn't like writing here... I just didn't need to. The reason why I started writing my personal thoughts on my page was that I had no one to talk to... so I turned to the internet. The Internet would listen. Last time I checked I had some 600+ hits to my page... thank you all very much who check this page out, even if only because of the 3D pictures. It is a wonderful feeling to see the page being visited be people who are absolutely unknown to me... well, thanks again to all. Everyone is encouraged to write me. Oh, before I forget, my email address will very probably get changed soon so if you want to send me an email either check my ICQ info (where I currently have my stable but rarely checked hotmail address) or this page. Thanks. Well back to the thoughts. I didn't need to write any since I had people I could talk to everyday, in or out of school. And I really prefer the direct response I get from them. The more appreciated are any mails sent to me concerning the thoughts I write about in here. So thank you Darla for caring about me and also thank you Claire. However, I graduated at the end of May (2001) and I am currently out of school, enjoying my holidays, lasting till mid-September. That means I am not that often in touch with all of my friends and can't talk to them that often, either. So I am back to my page. With a new thought. Welcome back myself.
       What has happened so far... as far as I remember when I returned to school (after the previous thought) everything was "normal" and Katey treated me as a friend. I don't remember the exact details of the past 9 months ( ;-) ) but I'll give you what I know. Of course, it will mostly be about girls and my feelings, since that's what I currently care about the most. At the end of November Y2K we had our "stuzkova", which is something like a mid-term-graduation-ball. It's a celebration of us (our class) being in the last school-year, everyone gets a green ribbon attached to his suit and well then we have dinner and then we put on a performance for the audience, which consists mainly of our parents and teachers. Big event for everyone, at least officially. A week later there is an event called "dozvuky", which could roughly be translated as "aftershocks". The class (or, as in our case, at least a big part of it) goes out for a weekend, usually into a big cottage somewhere and does whatever it isn't allowed to when the parents are nearby (mainly drinking). I wondered how it would be to be the only one who doesn't drink (then I found out Katey and Milan (a friend) don't drink either) but it was cool. We were in a 3-storey (or floor?) cottage and the largest room was on the upper floor. There was all the drinking done and also a part of the dancing, which later moved on the the lowest floor. Anyways, my room was on the second floor, so I everytime the people wanted to do something which I didn't really like feel like doing ("now let's play this, play that, drink" or whatever) I went back to my room. Katey called me a killjoy, but I guess I would more of one if I would have participated and showed them I hated it. The interesting and great thing was that when I went to my room after a while I was joined by other people who didn't want to participate in games like "seek and hide when drunk" either. Those were mainly my roommates Milan and Michael (he is the one from the photostory) but often also Andrea and sometimes even Katey. And so we come to Andrea.
       Andrea is the other girl I referred to in my previous thought. I still don't know if I was in love with her or only fascinated by her, but I was attracted to her. It didn't subside that much as I wrote last time, it was still there and it reached the peak during dozvuky. We had some great talks with each other and I thought we'd be closer. I even had enough of her trust for her to give me the honour of asking me to wake her up in the morning. Cool, eh? ;-) But my fondest memory was our talk on our way home. We wanted to catch an early bus, but either we missed it or it didn't go at all, since it never came. So we had to wait an hour for the next one and had enough time to talk. We had a great talk... I mean I could talk to her about everything and she gave me a new look onto many things... I guess that's what I was fascinated by about her. She is very intelligent and thinks about things, like I like to do. And she came to conclusions I would have never thought of. I was fascinated. When we finally got onto the bus we were in the middle of our discussion and so we continued the whole way back home. I loved it. I love it when I can openly talk about everything and get others' points of view and learn from them and think about their opinions and attitudes and express mine and see if they can show me something new. And Andrea was someone exactly like that.
       Later on a small group of us agreed on going together on holiday during the summer holidays, to Italy. I hoped Andrea would go with us. She said she won't, since she didn't have enough money. I offered to pay a part of it but she said she wouldn't go anyways, since she wanted to spend the summer holidays with her boyfriend. At that time I thought they broke up. Well I was wrong. I started thinking about when the point in being in love is reached when one should give up, when the situation is hopeless. On one hand I think if I really want to achieve something and win a girl's heart I shouldn't give up, no matter what. It took 7 years for Andre Agassi to win Steffi Graf's heart. But on the other hand, what if he wouldn't and he'd wasted 7 years? When is the point when there's been enough hope, faith, love and pain, when is the point when there is no point in continuing, when should one stop and give up? If I'd stop too soon I would feel like my feelings being to shallow, the type of "You don't want to? Well ok how about you? No? And you?"... like just jumping from one girl to another and seeing if they would want me. It would also mean that my feelings are fake. And being fake I hate most. I don't want to be like that. Not saying I am not. Maybe my feelings are shallow. And maybe they aren't, I don't know. I had a short talk about this with Katey, who asked me if it was concerning Andrea and as I said yes she told me that they have talked about me and that Andrea won't change the way she sees me so I have no chance and I should give up. That was the practical end of my endeavour to win Andrea's heart.
       I slowly turned back to Katey. As far as I remember it was "friends as usual" until a great week I spent mostly with her. That was at the beginning of March Y2K+1, during the spring holidays. I don't remember what exactly the reason was, but we met every day of the week, except for two days. Was great. I thought "OK, this has been perfect. I am still in love with her. If she asks me, I won't lie, even if it would mean the end of the friendship. And if this week was supposed to be the last one we have been together that often, then thank you, God, although I don't believe in you but in case you really do exist, for having it made that beautiful.". Pretty wrong was I. Now I don't know if it was before or after the week, but I remember having a silly argument with her about that she didn't call me or reply to a SMS (message to cell-phone) or something similar and then for a week we only had contact through our mutual friend who talked to both and told each the other one's standpoint. After that she told me we would have to have a serious talk. We never came to it. Everything was regarded as "sorted out". I also remember the closest point we came to in talking about our feelings concerning love (don't exactly know when that was, either... :-( ). I planned on doing this for some time and this was the time. I told her that everytime I confessed my feelings to her it ruined what we had, so I asked her not to ask me about my feelings towards her anymore. This was the biggest hint I gave her. I didn't go further, neither did she.
       A question popped into my mind, which I first had once when thinking about either her or Andrea, "What is worse than having nothing to lose? Having nothing to win.". I am still thinking about what the future will bring for me, and, eventually, us. Yes, there is hope. She didn't manage to destroy it during the two years. Who knows what'll happen. We'll see. So far, we (or maybe I) have been having a great time since the things mentioned above... I love to be with her... and fear the moment when she tells me she fell in love with someone else. She likes me... I know that... and it's a great thing to be told... but I feel more for her. Maybe it's immature. If she finds someone to love I should be happy for her, but I won't. I will be crushed. And since she likes me it will hurt her. And I don't want to hurt her. But I will, no matter how much I don't want to. I wonder if I should tell her that I will react negatively when she finds herself a boyfriend and warn her that I will hurt her, even if I don't want to. But on the other hand that would seem like trying to forbid her to find herself a boyfriend, or make her feel guilty about it. But again, how can I stand between her and her luck? Or should I not tell her and be happy as long as I can, savor the few moments we have together and see how it will work out? I don't know. I don't even know what I would do if she'd want to date me. I mean, we are so different. She believes in God, I don't. She has many friends, I don't. I spend much of time thinking about myself and things and she doesn't. She manages to honestly be friends with everyone, I can't. She can like just about everyone, she seems only to see the good in them. I am friends only with someone who "is on my wavelength", as the Germans would say. And we differ in other things, too. So, when I am trying to be objective, I think it wouldn't work out if we would be a couple. We are too different. I couldn't date her without feeling guilty, without the fear of hurting her in the long term. I talked about this to a friend. He said that in his opinion tolerance is the most important thing in a relationship. Although I disagree, to some extent he is right. Could it work between me and Katey? And is there any sense in thinking about this if she doesn't love me anyways? I guess I am just dreaming. Who knows what will happen, anyways. A friend told me that if he is in a difficult situation he waits and sees if it doesn't solve itself by itself, without him needing to do anything about it. I am a bit more active and if I can gently push things so they move into the right direction I do so. But now I don't know what to do. We'll see.
       And slowly we come to why I am actually writing this thought. Guess. Right, it's still Katey. The main reason why I am writing this is how I felt a few hours ago. Today is Saturday, the 16^th of June Y2K+1. Last time I met Katey was on Wednesday. I told her I would like to see her again before Monday. She agreed. The next day I sent her an SMS asking her to tell me when we could meet eachother, so I would know. She didn't answer. On Friday I tried to call her, she didn't pick the phone up. A few hours ago she called me. She said she definitely wouldn't have time on Sun or Mon, maybe later, since she had other things to do. I asked her what she would be doing tomorrow or on Monday (in hope there would be at least a little time). She reacted a bit angry asking me if she has to tell me everything she does. I said no, and she said she had to look for a job, for instance, and has to go meet someone. Well I said ok, she said she'll call me and we said bye. Now I may seem stupid wanting more from a girl who doesn't love me, but hey, I am in love with her. We at least could look for the job together, I mean, we can go downtown and see the places she wants to see, I would really love to spend time with her in this way... or in any other. If she can meet someone else, why can't she meet me? I want to be the one she meets... I want to spend time with her... please... please let me love you. What's the problem with me that after two years of trying and doing everything for you you don't feel a bit for me on the love-scale (we have two, friend-scale and love-scale)? Why don't you love me?... And why don't you let me love you? I guess cos you are responsible and don't want to give me false hope... but I am creating my own false hope if you don't do it anyways. I was about to write sorry for loving you. But I won't. I am not sorry. I am not sorry for feeling something for you, for helping you where I can, for caring about you, for listening to you, for understanding you, for respecting you. I am not sorry for loving you. I am sorry for anything bad that it might cause to happen to you, for any negative consequences. But I love you and stand to it.
       Another thing. About a month ago I found out that it is not only love and being loved what I seek, but that I also feel a desire for tenderness, for caressing and showing love and affection. [Added later: A few days ago (in the time between this thought was written and published) I read something I wrote two years ago, and I am writing there the same about the need for tenderness... so it's not that new at all. I should let someone check my memory.] Suddenly something what happened during stuzkova (the ribbon event) made sense. Martina, a girl from our class, right before the beginning of stuzkova said she was so nervous and held my hand. I guess it helped me much more than it helped her. I didn't want to let go. It was so beautiful to hold a girl's hand. Thank you, Martina. I talked about the desire for tenderness with Katey and I said I wonder why I feel like that, since I never considered myself having received too little tenderness. She asked me if I consider myself receiving enough tenderness and I honestly had to say no. See?, she replied. I gave her a very gentle blow into her arm as I always do when she's a smartass. She does the same to me, too, however, sometimes resulting in bruises. The current record stands at three at one time. Back to the tenderness talk. She said she feels sometimes the same. I felt like one of the guys from one of our insider jokes, "-Dammit! The bus is full again! How I hate to go home on a full bus! -Yeah, and I have to go home alone in my car and I love to have company so much... Well see ya tomorrow! -You too, bye!". It would be so easy for me and Katey to help each other. But I understand her as she is not in love with me. But it would be so beautiful... What a pity.
       There was a wonderful quote yesterday on CNN, teletext page 178. "The heart has its reasons which reason knows nothing of." How true.

The third time (July 25^th 2001)

       How to start... I was on vacation in Italy last week (from July 14^th to July 21^st) with two other guys and two gals from my class. Was great. Some time ago Katey was supposed to go, too. However, later she had other plans so she didn't go after all. So there was I, with four friends, in a beach town in Italy. Everynight as we walked down the main street I was thinking how great that town was for couples in love. Tons of restaurants, ice-cream shops, shops with other stupidities such as swimsuits, shoes... everything a girl's heat desires. Long walks on the beach. Sunbathing. Swimming. Sleeping. Spending time at home. How beautiful it would have been with Katey. But Katey wasn't there.
       My parents told me that dreams which I dream on the first night in a new place become true. I dreamt about Katey (and CounterStrike, but that doesn't currently matter ;-) . I don't exactly remember what it was about, but it was positive. It was something good. I woke up feeling great. The next night I dreamt about Katey (among other things) again. This time it wasn't so good. I remember it was about Katey caring for a sick friend of mine and falling in love with him, starting to date him the week after. Now that was a feeling when I woke up. Took me some time to recover and convince myself that it was only a dream. The third night I dreamt about Katey again. This time it was about me coming home from Italy and meeting Katey. I was in some sort of building and was sitting somewhere near the entrance on the first (ground) floor. Then Katey came in, passed me, and as she was going upstairs she only said, "Goin' upstairs.". And that was it, after not seeing me for two weeks. Again, an unpleasant feeling after I woke up. But it was only a dream... and my parents wouldn't lie, would they...?
       I haven't been in touch with Katey for a week before I went to Italy. I tried to call her and she said I should call her tomorrow, since she currently couldn't talk. So I did. She said she was waiting for the bus and will call me as soon as she gets home. She didn't. After two hours I rang her (once, to signalize I am still waiting) but didn't get any response. The day after I sent her an SMS asking what happened, why she didn't call. She didn't respond. I gave up. I wanted to tell her that I am in love with her before I went to Italy. I didn't want to wait any longer. There was no reason for waiting any longer. If it had to end, then rather sooner than later. There was no sense in going on like that anymore. And, there also was another reason. This reason was called Ivan.
       There were about 6 guys in love with Katey. She didn't want any of them. She wanted to sort out her own life before adding a boyfriend to it. I understood. And then, one day, she told me about Ivan. She said he was acting like in love with her, so we can add another one to the bunch. And she noted that he believed in God and that that would be the main factor in deciding if a guy has a chance to win her heart or not. We didn't talk more about it.
       In Italy I sent her another SMS, saying something like Greetings from Italy, how come you don't write, have you forgotten me?. She didn't respond. Well and now I am back home. I was talking to a friend about Italy who told me that he talked to Katey a few days ago. So I wondered what the reason was for Katey not caling me or saying anything. I supposed she was on vacation, too, or something, so she couldn't call. But now there was no reason I could make up for myself. Well, I sent her another SMS, saying that it's a very unpleasant feeling to try to call her twice, send her two SMSs and not get any answer, asking what the matter was. She replied in a matter of minutes, saying that I am not the only one who she didn't have time for and she asked where I was. I said at home and that she can call me or I can call her. She called. She explained that she didn't reply to anything from me since she had to sort out things from her own "garbage", sort out things in her life. She also said that she was very down at that time, but didn't want to specify the cause. Now, you can imagine that after all the dreams and before, her talking about Ivan, I didn't exactly know what to think. So I asked her what the matter was again, and she said it was too private and that I shouldn't worry because it's allright now. Then we agreed on meeting eachother somewhen later this week. Still, I couldn't stop. I told her that I am worried and I don't know what to think and asked her if she at least couldn't give me a hint about what was wrong. She again said I shouldn't worry and that everything is allright now. And she added that she is even a bit excited at the moment but positively. I asked her why. She asked me if I wanted to know it. I said yes. She asked me if I really wanted to know it. I said no... oh well, go on, tell me anyways. She said she was in love. I asked if it was Ivan. She said yes. I asked if they were dating already. She said no, but their feelings were obvious to eachother. I said I want to tell her something, too, but it's gonna ruin her evening. She said ok. I said rather later, but she told me tell her now. So I said I am in love. She asked with whom. I said with the person on the other end of this line. I said sorry to ruin your evening. She said don't worry, I am already used to it. She asked for how long, I said the whole time. She said sorry. I didn't say anything. Then we confirmed that she'd call me this week and we'd meet. Said bye and hung up.
       Strange. The last two times I confessed my feelings to her and she rejected me it hurt as hell. This time I was prepared (as much as one can be for such a thing). This time it was different. Have you ever heard about the Halloween Documents? The internal Micros~1 documents assessing Linux as a threat to Micros~1. They often used the acronym FUD [tactics]. FUD stands for Fear, Uncertainty, Doubt. And this was exactly how I felt before Katey told me about her feelings. Not being in contact with her for two weeks. Last thing I knew she met a guy who she considered a potential boyfriend. Then she didn't respond to anything from me for two weeks. Fear. Uncertainty. Doubt. The images of her finding someone (else) got into my dreams. They've become nightmares. Nightmares, which were killing me. Yesterday, as I called her, I was prepared for the worst. I don't know if it was my fantasy which didn't let out any option, no matter how hurting it was, or if it was my mental preparation for being rejected, which started (as I wrote in my previous thought) when she wanted to have a talk with me after a week of not talking to eachother. Maybe it was the other two times I was rejected which made it easier this time. Or maybe I just lost hope. I don't know. At any rate, after she called me I felt miserable. But not as miserable as the last two times. I felt pain and despair but not to the extent of the previous times. I feared the nightmare. But the nightmare became form. It was not a nightmare anymore. It was reality. And it is easier to deal with something known to you than with something unknown. There was no fear anymore. Pain, despair, yes. But no fear.
       There also was another feeling, which I didn't expect at all. Something like calmness and peace. The nightmare didn't chase me anymore.
       I wonder how our meeting will look like. I was thinking about it the whole yesterday evening. It probably won't be pleasant. I won't be in the mood for talking about anything. How could I? She can't destroy me like this and then expect me to talk about how great it was in Italy. And the less I want to hear about how great it was with Ivan. It will be a terrible meeting. I will subconsciously try to make her feel guilty as I know myself. I want her to feel guilty. After two and a half years of loving her she falls in love with a guy who she has known for only two weeks and his only quality is that he believes in God? How does that make one a better person? After all the time... Hmmm. I guess it doesn't matter anymore anyways. I have to fight the desire to make her feel guilty. She can't control her feelings, same way as I can't. Therefore I thought about cancelling the meeting. But then I realized I bought her a small wooden parrot in Italy, which I wanted to give her. So there is a reason to meet her. It won't go well.
       I just hope I won't hurt her.