I head into the kitchen when I hear the banging that tells me Brian is awake. I haven’t slept all night. Why did he have to ask me to marry him? I do love him but the idea of marriage is seriously scary. I’ve seen too many people get married only to get divorced and end up bitter enemies. I don’t want that to happen to Brian and I. It’ll be ok I tell myself. I’ll just walk in, wrap my arms around him and tell him that I love him. He’ll forget the idea for a while, I know he will. I push open the kitchen door and walk over to him. I wrap my arms around his waist and kiss his neck before he turns around.
“Mornin’ honey,” I murmur.
“Jade,” he steps out of my arms and sits down, pointing to a chair opposite for me. “We need to talk about what happened last night.”
“We do?” I pout, knowing he’s a sucker for my pouts. “Can’t we just pretend it never happened?”
“No we can’t,” he says angrily. “I want to marry you. You don’t want to marry me. Where does that leave us?”
“I’m not ready for marriage yet.”
“When will you be?” he asks wearily. “Jade, I have been patient with you from day one. When you freaked out cos of me sayin’ I love you… When you didn’t want to meet my family… When you left me over the dumbest things… You have NO idea how much that all hurt me but I just told myself to hang on, that you were worth it. But now… I’ve come to the end of the line Jade.”
“Wh-what are you sayin’?” I stammer.
“I love you Jade but I can’t go on like this. It’s drivin’ me crazy not bein’ able to know that I have you 100%…”
“Of course you do,” I tell him.
“Then why won’t you marry me?”
“I’m scared Brian,” I confess. “I’m scared that we won’t make it. That we’ll end up hating each other.”
“No, the way we’ll end up hating each other is if we carry on like this. We obviously just want different things Jade,” he sighs and stands up, heading towards the door.
“So what happens now?” I ask.
“We catch the plane to Washington and then we get separate rooms until the book is finished and you leave the tour. It’s over Jade,” he leaves the room and I stare at the empty doorway. What had just happened?
Brian walks straight into his bathroom, locks the door and sits down on the edge of the bath. He sighs heavily and runs his hands through his hair. What has he just done? He has just split up with the woman he loves. He hangs his head and fiddles with his hands nervously. He had barely been able to believe the words that had come out of his mouth. And the look on her face had made him want to take it all back. But he knows he can’t. Because he knows the words are true. He has reached the end of the line. He is tired of always having to be the one to tell her he loves her first. It is her turn now and if she can’t do it then it obviously isn’t meant to be. No matter how much it feels like his heart is breaking. He rubs his eyes and stands up, heading out into the bedroom where his bag is already packed. It is almost time to leave for the airport. He looks around for his wallet and finds it on the table. He opens it to check he has all his tour ID cards. A picture of him and Jade stares back at him and he sits down slowly on the bed, running his finger lightly over Jade’s face. He smiles as he remembers the day Kevin had taken this photograph. Ali had given Kevin her camera to take a few personal shots and Kevin had caught Brian and Jade sitting on the stage, talking. Brian had slipped his arm around Jade and she had nestled into his body. Their smiles were relaxed, content and happy. ‘Who said the camera never lies?’ he thinks bitterly and takes the picture out of the wallet, throwing it down on the bed as he stands up and walks out of the door, grabbing his bag on the way.
Jade is sat where he left her in the kitchen. She looks up when he drops his bag in the doorway.
“It’s time to go?” she asks quietly and he nods. “I’ll only be a minute,” she stands up and walks past him to get to the room where she has left her stuff. He closes his eyes as her familiar scent fills his mind. It is so hard being around her and not being able to reach out and touch her. He will have to get used to it, and pretty quick if he doesn’t want to go crazy. He opens his eyes and pours himself a glass of juice. He has finished it when she walks back into the room.
“Ready?” he asks her and she nods. “Let’s go then,” he leads the way to the door.
“Sure,” they step outside and Jade stands behind him as he starts to lock the door.
His hand freezes. “I’ve forgotten something,” he opens the door again. “I’ll only be a minute,” he walks back through the house and up to his room. He picks up the photograph of him and Jade and takes out his wallet again, slotting the picture back inside it. He puts the wallet back in his pocket and heads back out again. He had felt weird without that picture. It has accompanied him for almost a year now.
Brian walks over to where Ali and Nick are waiting in the airport departure lounge. Jade is behind him.
“Hey guys,” he greets brightly. “Get checked in ok?”
“No problems,” Nick smiles. “Good night?” he snickers and Brian shrugs.
“It was ok. I’m gonna go get a drink, come with Nick?”
“Sure,” Nick throws Ali a glance and then follows Brian over to a store. “What’s up bro?” he asks when they’re out of sight of the girls.
“I asked Jade to marry me last night,” Brian says sadly.
“Ya did?” Nick’s eyes widen. “That’s great bro!”
“She said no.”
“Wha? Ya kiddin’ me right?”
“I wish,” Brian shakes his head. “So I told her it is over between us. She doesn’t love me the way I love her. I’m so tired of settling for whatever she feels she can give me when I would give her EVERYTHING. I deserve everything Nick.”
“You do man, you do,” Nick says slowly. “I’m sorry bro. You’ll work it out.”
“No, that’s it Nick. I’m going to get over her,” Brian says firmly. “And I’m goin’ to find a girl who’s not too ashamed to marry me.”
“But I…”
“Hey, end of story,” Brian says. “Want Malt Balls?”
“Sure,” Nick watches Brian pay for their stuff and sighs heavily. Brian is a lot more cut up about this than he is admitting. But he will just hang around and be there for him when he finally is ready to admit it. Just like Brian did for him.
“It’s over Ali,” I wail the second Brian and Nick are out of sight. She looks shocked at my sudden loss of composure and reaches for my hands.
“What’s over?”
“Me and Brian,” I start to sob and she manoeuvres me over to a seat. “I said I wouldn’t marry him and he said we were over.”
“Why the fuck did you say that Jady?” she exclaims. “You love him!”
“I know but I can’t MARRY him.”
“God, I thought you’d gotten over that whole commitment phobia thing already,” she sighs exasperatedly.
“Well I haven’t,” I say.
“Well it’s time you DID.”
“Ali, be on my side here,” I yell and she gives me a quick hug.
“Of course I am honey. But please think about this thing. You could lose Brian over it.”
“I already have.”
“I meant for good Jade. If you just talk to him, he’ll understand.”
“No,” I shake my head. “I tried that Ali. He’s had enough and I can’t blame him. He deserves better.”
“So you’re just goin’ to play the martyr and let him go?”
“Yes,” I say quietly.
“Martyrs may be noble but they’ve never happy,” she says softly.