New And Improved--Sailor Mercury, a Documentary

Top Ten New Supergadgets Sailor Mercury Would Like:

10. Super Blasto Stun Ray--hey, an offensive attack would be nice for a change.

9. Heck, since we're into offensive attacks, why not a couple nukes? Hehehe "Pick on the blue girl, will you?" BAM! FWOOSH!! New Sacred Fire for Rei.

8. A random generator of smart-sounding things to say when the rest of the senshi are being incredibly dumb.

7. Tetris on her mini-supercomputer.

6. A fog machine with colored lighting capabilities-- just for those dramatic entrances.

5. A portable floppy A drive for her mini-supercomputer.

4. A love letter filter for her locker. No more of those stupid things standing in the way of her AP Biology book, nope, nope!

3. A piano. ...So what if it's not a supergadget? She wants one!

2. A spinney wand-thing that takes two powerups to even do any damage so she can be just like her idol, Sailormoon.

1. Go-go boots with adjustable heel size.

"ARGH!!! WHY DOES MY HAIRDRESSER DO THIS TO ME?!?"

Usagi looks up sympathetically. "I think she hates you."

Ami stares into the mirror. "First I had glue hair, then I had hat hair, then I had good hair for a while, until that one guy croaked, and then I had bowl hair, and now this! It's absolutely embarrassing!!" Tentatively, she brushes her fingers along her hair and cringes.

"It's not that bad. Honest," Usagi comforts. "We should ask Michiru where she gets her hair done. She always looks nice."

"It's too late..." Ami moans. "The damage has already been inflicted. It'll take 3.621 months for it to grow back."

"Michiru!" Usagi calls to their approaching friend.

"Hello, Usagi!" the woman greets kindly. "Who's your new friend?"

Ami turns to face her.

"Oh, my!" Michiru looks abashed. "Ami! You have a mohawk!"

"'It's not that noticeable'," Ami quotes petulantly, giving Usagi a pointed look.

"Okay, so maybe I stretched the truth a bit," Usagi brushes her off. "But, Michiru, do you know any way we can fix this?"

Michiru frowns. "Well, there's always Rogaine..."

Ami shakes her head frantically.

"My advice?" Michiru offers quietly. "Shave it all off. Tell your friends you're going through chemotherapy."

Get your hair cut at Happy Banana's Scissors Today!

Horoscope time! Sailor Mercury and The Other Senshi

ChibiMoon: Sailor Mercury is assisting Sailor Chibimoon's training, though Chibimoon has yet to beat the awesome "Shabon Spray".

Jupiter: Sailor Jupiter's brawn and Sailor Mercury's brains make them an invincible team... though Sailor Jupiter's habit of lusting after every friggin' guy from Tokyo to San Diego traveling west tends to send Mercury running.

Mars: Sailor Mercury and Sailor Mars will get along just fine when Mercury quits freezing the Sacred Fire whenever Mars' back is turned.

Mercury: Keep Sailor Mercurys apart at all costs!! So much intelligence in a small radius produces boredom, the predecessor to catastrophe!

Moon: The genius of Sailor Mercury cancels out the void in Sailor Moon's head, equaling normal intelligence.

Neptune: Sailor Mercury and Sailor Neptune are in the process of holding a Grand Champion Rock-Paper-Scissors contest to divvy up their powers. So far, Neptune has won but once.

Pluto: Sailor Mercury and Sailor Pluto will get along as soon as they stop the fierce rivalry they have going right now and quit blowing up each others science projects. Then they will jointly rule the world! BWAHAHAHA!!

Saturn: Sailor Mercury and Sailor Saturn enjoy discussing Plato and the quaint habits of differential calculus, though they hesitate to fight together; both feel they are too short to gain any sort of respect from the enemy.

Tuxedo Kamen: Sailor Mercury and Tuxedo Kamen act as therapists for each other, mainly because of the common desire for intelligent company (for once).

Uranus: Sailor Mercury and Sailor Uranus have made a truce because Sailor Uranus prefers not to pick on the underdog, and Sailor Mercury's world domination plans include the need for a body guard.

Venus: Sailor Mercury just wishes Sailor Venus would not skip around and pop her Shabon Spray during battles.

"Shimatta!" Minako blinks. "Did I just swear in French? Megacool!"

Ami sweatdrops. "Is something the matter, Minako?"

Minako scowls and nods. "My bow just won't tie right today! It keeps falling off in the middle of a battle. It's so embarrassing!"

Ami reaches into a drawer. "Have you tried pinning it in with hairpins?"

Minko nods listlessly. "My hair must be just too silky and soft, for the pins just drop right out!"

Ami sweatdrops again. "Riiiiiiight... look, I know a way to put your hair up so it'll never fall down again."

"Really?" Minako squeals. "I'd do anything!"

"It's called Super Sealant." She holds up a tube.

Minako frowns. "It's not made with animal products, is it?"

Once again, Ami sweatdrops. "No..."

Minako plops down in a chair and gestures to her head. "Make my bow stay, Ami!"

A few minutes later...

"Wow!" Minako says. "My hair looks really good! Thank you, Super Sealent! You saved my life!" Happily, she skips out the door.

A small, evil grin comes over Ami's face. Her eyes darken, and she begins to giggle.

Super Sealant: Once you stick, it's stuck!

(Not for use on cats, rabbits, or chimpanzees. May react with wood products to produce vomiting. Do not mix with AntiSealant. Results may vary. The warranty has already expired, so don't even bother calling our hotline, because it's a fake number, anyway. Trained penguins have better grammar than we do, because we're untrained penguins. I want a fish! Give me fish!)

The Top Ten People Ami Admires:

10. The Powerpuff Girls, 'cause they're always able to save the world before bedtime, while Sailor Moon often wakes them up at ungodly hours to save the helpless citizens of Tokyo.

9. People on shows with multiple intelligent characters--no, actually, that's more people she envies.

8. Sailor Saturn, because she plays with the big toys and never even gets a "nekkid transformation sequence" (NTS).

7. Takeuchi-sama--hey, a little sucking up never hurt anyone!

6. Michiru-san. Haruka doesn't write her any love letters, and would beat anyone who did into the ground.

5. Taiki-kun is so smart!

4. Mamoru, because he's kept up his IQ and hung out with Usagi at the same time.

3. Luna, because she keeps all those nifty gadgets hidden somewhere. Ami really wants to hold her upside down and shake her, to see if anything'll fall out.

2. Sailor Moon, because of the sheer uncorrupted power!... for now, anyway... bwahahaha!

1. Einstein, because he's everything she wants in a man.

Ami looks up from her desk, which is covered with books and loose papers from miscellaneous subjects. Surprised to see the camera, she blinks and removes her glasses. "Konnichiwa, minna-san! I was just doing some research."

She looks around furtively. "You see, I've discovered this special ointment that can heal almost any injury. Let me show you."

The screen cuts to a battle scene, where we see Sailor Mars getting creamed by a youma. It's a massacre. The thing is just tearing her apart. Finally, it is destroyed when a flower pot falls from an over-looking window sill and hits it on the head.

Ami's voiceover is heard above the action. "Even though Rei looks injured now, tomorrow she will have almost no scarring whatsoever."

Ami is sitting next to Rei in Rei's bedroom now, bandaging her wounds. "As you can see, Rei-chan's arm is almost completely severed." Sure enough, the black-haired girl's arm is hanging on to her shoulder by a mere tendon. "Now, I just apply a little Neosporin..."

Show close-up of Neosporin.

"And in no time at all, her arm is back to normal!" A 24-hour clock arm moves around the screen, revealing a perfectly normal arm.

Show Ami's smiling face. "Neosporin prevents gangrene and those ugly little pink scars. It protects you when your fuku doesn't!"

Minako runs in and grabs the bottle, flashing the victory sign at the camera before running off.

Ami frowns and turns in the direction that her blonde friend ran. "Minako-chan! You can't use it as a contraceptive! Minako!"

Neosporin--your new cure-all!

In the background, Ami's voice can be heard yelling again. "Minako-chan!"

(warning: for external purposes only, unless prescribed by your doctor. Not for people you are trying to kill off. In less than 30% of the test group, Neosporin was shown to cause herpes and extreme dandruff. Use only as rabid worms will allow.)

Top Ten Most Confusing Moments In Sailor Mercury's Life

10. Why is everyone drooling over Haruka? Can't they see she's a woman?

9. Wait--Shabon Spray just makes a lot of bubbles?

8. Mercury's not the god of flowers?

7. How am I supposed to do a flying kick in this itty-bitty skirt?

6. ...but if you divide that by the cosine of 3x-to-the-eighth-power, you get the tangent of 6y divided by the cosecant of 12, which is obviously incorrect, so where did I mess up? The second step or the 913th?

5. What is Rei's and Usagi's obsession with that Masked Man?

4. What the--oh, crap, Neptune has water powers, too?!

3. Okay, so Mercury is the planet closest to the sun, but I have ice power. ...I don't get it.

2. Where's the disk drive on my mini-super-computer?

1. "Puppies may seem sweet and innocent, but you never want to feed them chocolate"? What the hell is Tuxedo Kamen-sama saying?

Words I think my spell check should have:

• supergadgets
• fwoosh
• mohawk (they're not just Indian tribes anymore!)