New And Improved--Sailor Pluto, a Documentary
Rating: I have a slight potty mouth. Rated PG for language.
Disclaimer: If I owned them, would I be writing this thing? Hell, no! Nor do I foster any hard feelings that I am aware of towards Bill Gates, Microsoft, Tetris, Acme Hardware, Pizza Hut, the Salvation Army, the Catholic church, Rite Aid, Tootsie Roll Pops, the US Military, Kroger, Vipers, Idaho, JFK, Cheetos or anything else I may have mentioned.
Summary: A few short nonsensical pieces about Setsuna. Be aware that this is not for the serious-of-heart. Pure silliness ensues, and I might even throw in a few big words. ;)
Author's Notes: This is not necessarily how I view any of the characters. This is just my satirical rendering of them.
Webpage: The Scribs
Top Ten Things Setsuna Would Like To Know:
10. "Why do I only seem to have two sets of clothes?"
9. "Why does my social life consist of guarding the gate of time, raising Sailor Saturn--again, mind you--and saving Sailor Moon's butt?"
8. "If I'm Sailor Pluto, and Pluto is the guardian of the dead, why does Saturn get all the bad-ass death attacks?"
7. "Why does my hair never get tangled?"
6. "Where do I keep that Time Staff of mine, anyway???"
5. "How old am I, really?"
4. "If I didn't pass out those neat little time keys to traveling bad guys and princesses, would I still need to guard the gate of time?"
3. "How many licks does it take to get to the tootsie roll center of a tootsie pop?"
2. "Okay, ignoring all that bullshit I fed Uranus and Neptune--how did I actually come back to life?"
1. "If dying doesn't affect my appearance in the future, WHY THE HELL DON'T I JUST USE THE 'FORBIDDEN' POWERS MORE OFTEN?!?"
Sailor Pluto slumps against her time staff, eyes closing wearily. "I'm sure it wouldn't hurt if I took just a teeny nap..."
The whole Dark Moon Family, seeing her asleep, tiptoes by her and slips through the Gate of Time.
Cracking an eye, Sailor Pluto looks around. "Nope, nothing's changed."
Need help staying awake for thousands of years?
Pluto nods sleepily and cracks her back.
We've got just what you need.
Pluto slides a lazy eye open in interest. "I'm listening."
The latest in over-the-counter deals is now available to you!
"Everything is available to me. I can just move to the point in time that it's being sold in and go get it."
Yeah... well... it's available now. Look, do you want it or not?
She rubs her eyes. "Please, continue."
Ultra Pep-Up Time Defy-ers help you stay awake and ready to fight for eons to come!
"What's the catch?"
No catch! No catch, Miss Pluto!
"Miz Pluto."
Miz Pluto. Anything for a defender of justice and peace!!
Pluto raises an eyebrow skeptically. "Where can I get these Ulcer- Pepper-Upper-Timer-Deflies?"
Ultra Pep-Up Time Defy-ers are available at your nearest drugstore, so buy some today!!
She looks disgusted and sarcastic. "Oh, yeah, a drugstore. Well, that's just around the corner, now isn't it? Right next to the Acme Hardware strip mall?"
Actually, Acme Hardware was taken over by a Kroger, which was taken over by the Catholic church, which was taken over by the Salvation Army, which was taken over by Bill Gates and Microsoft, commandeered by the US Army and eventually changed into a Rite Aid.
"You have GOT to be kidding." Her mouth is agape. "I'm very up-to date with time. How could I have missed all these changes?"
Who can keep up with all these mergers and such?
She sighs. "Do they deliver?"
What do you think this is, Pizza Hut or something?
"You know, I'm getting really sick and tired of you."
Oh yeah? What are you going to do about it, huh? Gotta stay by the gate, don't you? Loooooser!
"Dead Scream."
For you, Miz Pluto, they deliver.
(Tiny Print: side effects may include nausea, extreme exhaustion, a tendency towards death and decapitation, and a strengthening of mysterious tendencies. Please check with your Rite Aid janitor to see if Ultra Pep-Up Time Defy-ers are right for you.)
Concerning Sailor Pluto and the Other Senshi:
ChibiMoon: Sailor Pluto and Sailor ChibiMoon have come to a standstill since Pluto realized just how degrading it was to be referred to as "poo".
Jupiter: Sailor Jupiter has felt pissed off at Sailor Pluto ever since the Potato and Cream Cheese Incident, but as soon as she scrapes the leftovers off her ceiling she and Pluto will be able to form an alliance against the state of Ida-ho for its viciousness towards Ida.
Mars: Sailor Pluto's ability to work with Sailor Mars is hampered by the fact that Pluto takes enjoyment in using her Time Staff to extinguish the Sacred Flame.
Mercury: Sailor Pluto and Sailor Mercury make a good team--as long as Pluto is allowed to play Tetris on the mini supercomputer when they're done.
Moon: Sailor Pluto and Sailor Moon would get together better if Pluto could just erase that tiny, nagging itch to hit her over the head with the heavy end of the Time Staff.
Neptune: Sailor Pluto and Sailor Neptune work together well when Neptune's not too busy mooning over Haruka and that fabulous red Viper that Setsuna never gets to drive.
Pluto: Pluto is her own best friend. They go for shopping splurges, frappechinos, and heart-to-hearts far more often than the good doctors deem wise.
Saturn: Sailor Saturn and Sailor Pluto make a good combination. They balance each other well--as long as Saturn refrains from using the Garnet Orb to sharpen her Glaive.
Tuxedo Kamen: Sailor Pluto and Tuxedo Kamen make a fairly decent team. He distracts the enemies with his confusing babble of advice while she boinks them over the head with her heavy metal staff-thing.
Uranus: Sailor Pluto and Sailor Uranus have had problems ever since Pluto caught Uranus prying the jewels off her Sword sheath and using Elmer's glue to paste on rhinestones instead. She objected to the sacrilege of pawning pieces of her own talisman for gas money.
Venus: Sailor Venus best stay away from Sailor Pluto. Venus' air-headed-ness puts a balloon to shame, and one of Pluto's favorite hobbies is popping those things with her Time Staff.
"Oh, no!!!" Setsuna's voice echoes over the chamber.
Ami's head pokes in the door. "Something wrong?"
Setsuna holds up the end of her Time Staff, tearfully showing Ami the shattered Garnet Orb. "I was using it to prop the door open when Haruka slammed it shut. I'll never get it back together!" Hugging the Garnet Orb to her chest, she bursts into tears.
Ami sighs in sympathy. "Oh, Setsuna, that's terrible!" Her eyes suddenly light up. "Wait, I know!" She helps Setsuna gather all the pieces and takes them to the kitchen. Digging in a nearby drawer, she finally holds up her prize. "Problem solved!"
"Ami, I can't GLUE it back together again!!"
"Setsuna, this is no ordinary glue! This is Super Sealant!"
Close up on the Super Sealant.
"But, Ami, this is the Garnet Orb we're talking about here. I'm not sure it's repairable."
Ami smiles slyly. "You didn't really buy that story that I bonded the molecules back together in the Silver Crystal after Usagi stepped on it, did you?"
"But... it looked great! You're saying this Super Sealant got rid of all those cracks?"
"It sure did! Let's get to work. I always did like puzzles..."
Hours later...
"Ami, I hate to admit it, but you were right. You can't even tell the damage was done." Setsuna grins as she examines her newly-repaired Garnet Orb. "It's perfect!"
"I use Super Sealant for everything!"
"Well, now I will, too!" They laugh and smile at each other for a minute. Finally, Setsuna's smile fades. "About the Silver Crystal..."
Ami waves it off. "Don't worry about that. Luna swapped it for a plastic one after that incident."
The two women laugh.
Super Sealant--it works for you!
(Tiny Print: Keep away from small friendly children. Give to annoying, non-constructive children that you don't want to get the gun permit to shoot. If Super Sealant gets on the skin, cut off immediately. If ingested, call bank and transfer all funds to a loved one's account. No cute bunny rabbits were harmed in the testing of this product, though the director did shoot a few chipmunks.)
Top Ten Things Sailor Pluto Would Like to do Before She Dies:
10. Polish her Time Key--it's not really purple, it's actually silver.
9. Stay sober for a few days to figure out what color her eyes actually are when not bloodshot.
8. Re-design all the senshi's fukus. That Sailor-look is *so* last millennium.
7. Figure out exactly what shade of lipstick she wears and slowly disembowel the person who invented the nasty, skanky shade. And the make up designer who made her wear it.
6. Visit her Pluto and go skiing.
5. Attach a bayonet to her Time Staff.
4. Eat a bowl of green M&Ms.
3. See herself with her hair down.
2. Tell everyone who really killed JFK. The bastard. ::evil laugh::
1. Be a Toys R Us kid.
Hi, my name is Meio Setsuna, and I'd like to tell you all about Shave-ex.
When I first became a Sailor Senshi, I didn't realize how ugly my armpit hair looked, spiky next to my fuku. When Princess Serenity finally told me, I was mortified! I didn't know what to do!
She told me about Shave-ex. Just attach it to your armpit one night before you go to bed, and when you wake up in the morning, your armpit hair is all gone! This little miracle will last for half a year.
The Shave-ex works by inserting little tendrils of acid into your armpit to dissolve the hair at the root of the problem. Sure, it may hurt a little to begin with, but whenever you transform, it brings that smooth sense of satisfaction to know that you won't embarrass the whole team because you didn't have time to shave that morning!
Shave-ex--it really works well!
(Fine Print: Not to be used by those with sensitive skin, lymph nodes, or diarrhea.)
Top Ten Things that Annoy Setsuna
10. Barbie-bashing. Hey, some people are that tall!
9. The Gate of Time. People should either visit regularly or stay the hell away from it. None of this 'try to take over the world by going back/forwards in time' crap.
8. Small, yipping dogs. Take this, Toto! ::boink!:: Heh, heh.
7. The lack of guys in her life (and Tuxie doesn't count).
6. "Sailor Moon" this, "Sailor Moon" that. What about Sailor Pluto, huh? Huh? She ain't exactly chopped liver.
5. Small children who want to touch her Time Staff.
4. The Inner Senshi saving her ass from a monster.
3. Thigh-high boots.
2. Damn squirrels.
1. People who want to take over the world getting stopped by Sailor Moon's "But, that's bad!!" speech. Is there no evil left in the world?!?
Words I think my spell check should have:
::Insane laughter:: So, read this, did you? Got to the credits, did you? Good! I'm so proud of you! Hey, Sets, roll 'em!
Author: Cassima
Gaffer: Cassima
Producer: Rabid Monkey
Sailor in charge: One Eyed Harry
Set Designer: The kid next door's aunt's roommate's 3rd grade science teacher's iguana.
Starring:
BAM!
::little pieces of the credit writer flutter to the floor::
Cassima: ... Uh... well... that's a bit embarassing... heh heh heh... Uh... Yeah.
Sailor Moon Says: Pocket Lint is Good!