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UMPIRE HECKLES You couldn't call a cab! The circus is in town and the clowns are wearing blue! There's a town in Massachusetts named after you. (slight pause), it's called MARBLEHEAD! I forgot more baseball than you know! It's a strike zone, not an end zone! You really shouldn't be in the game until you get warmed up! Blue's goin' home in the back of the ambulance (after a bad call) Come on blue, turn that mask around and get a GOOD look!! You can go home, blue. We'll take it from here
How'd
you become an umpire?
How
about asking the audience? What were you, a lookout a Pearl Harbor! Hey Mr. Magoo, nice call. I forgot the Milk-Bone for your seeing-eye dog! If it were a donut you would have gotten there! (Umps out of position) How many fingers am I holding up? (For an umpire is slow getting in position) C'mon blue, put the Snicker Bar down. Sweep the plate! It's the least you can do Go get 'em, Blue! Arf! Arf! Arf! (When the coach's mound visit has been going on too long) Move around, you're tiltin' the infield Do you take Visa or American Express? You're killing me blue Can I pet your seeing eye dog after the game? It sure sounded like a strike! How'd you get a square head in that round mask? Have they stopped printing the rulebooks in Braille? Don't donate your eyes to science, they don't want em' Does your wife let you make decisions at home? Pull the good eye out of your pocket I thought only horses slept standing up! Flip over the plate and read the directions Wipe the dirt off that called strike. Sure you don't want to phone a friend? You can open your eyes now! Sit down, bus driver! If you need the money this badly, get a paper route! That was a strike in any bowling alley You flipping coins? Is that your final answer? Take off that welding mask What's your magic word?
What's
the count Blue? Dog Robber! Lens Crafter called...they'll be ready in 30 min. Open your good eye When your dog barks twice, its a strike! Next time buy a ticket if you're going to watch! Can I buy you another beer Kick your dog, he's lying to you! I bet if you had a biscuit that plate would be clean! Do you get any better or is this it? You're blinking too long! Do you travel with this team? Come on, MCI doesn't make that many bad calls! Munch! Munch! Munch! The Ump is out to lunch! I'm gonna break your cane and shoot your dog You couldn't make the right call if you had a phone book You couldn't make a call in a phone booth Juuuuuust a bit outside Move around Ump, you're killin' the grass! Leave the gift giving to Santa! Take out your glass eye and wash it OK....the next call should be ours Guess again, the last call was wrong Who signs your game checks? Hey Blue, do you feel guilty? Be careful when you back up, so you don't fall over your dog If the pitcher is throwing too fast for you, we can ask him to slow it down The manager called, your uniform is ready Your strike zone is a moving target You're getting better, you almost made the right call that time Punch a hole in that mask, you're missing a good game Hey Ump, how can you sleep with all these lights on If you're just gonna watch the game, buy a ticket Stevie Wonder could see that one I've seen potatoes with better eyes! Looked pretty good from up here ump! I wish you'd have resigned! Do your sleeping at home ump! Lets go to Video Replay! Is that guy your nephew Ump? Why don't you get your Seeing Eye dog to call it for you? Hey Mr. Guess! Nice call! Ump, you're calling a worse game than a NFL ref! Nice umpiring, Mr. Quayle! Little Boy Blue! Your Honor! I'd like to appeal that call! For a guy that only works 2 hours a day, you're doing a pretty bad job! Hey blue, if you had one more eye you'd be a Cyclops If you knew one thing about Newton's law of Gravity, that would have been called a strike Hey Blue, try looking BETWEEN the bars on your mask! RING..RING....Wake up call ump! You couldn't see the plate if your dinner was on it! Wake up Ump, You're missing a great game! Where can I get an application? Shake your head ump, your eyes are stuck! If that pitch were any more inside it would've ...(if near his gut) taken out his appendix! (if near his knee) been arthroscopic surgery! (New York specific) If that pitch were any further outside it would be in Connecticut! (subway-city specific: New York, Boston, Philly, etc.)Come on, ump! If that pitch were any lower it would be in the subway! Just 'cause it's a night game, doesn't mean you should be asleep! If stupidity were bricks, you'd be Fen way Park! Those are radio balls he's throwing--you can hear 'em but you can't see 'em. Who taught you how to ump? Helen Keller?" Ump, your arse called, it wants your head out by tomorrow! Somebody call the law, this guy is impersonating an umpire! Hey Blue, if you had another eye it would be lonely! I can see up and down from over here. I've seen better Blues in a box of crayons! Hey, Sleeping Beauty, wake up! Don't bother brushing off the corners, Blue. You're not calling them anyway! Hey Blue, Magnum P.I. called, he can't find your strike zone! You need to go to confession after that call! We know you're blind, we've seen your wife! Come on blue a blind hog gets an acorn every now and then! They're putting your strike zone on the back of milk cartons! Mix in some consistency once in awhile! You must be losing them in the lights! Why do you keep looking in your hand...do you have a map of the strike zone in it? I'll take three pencils! You're an embarrassment to the color blue! (next call) Hey, green...you're not any better now either! Hey blue, that's not a 5 iron he's hitting with! (on a low strike call) How do you sleep at night? I was confused the first time I saw a game too How can you eat with those hands? I've gotten better calls from my ex-wife! Good thing there is not three choices! Hey ump is that a dinner plate? Apparently it has no corners! Why don't you get your Seeing Eye dog to call it for you? I forgot the Milk-Bone for your seeing-eye dog! Can I pet your Seeing Eye dog after the game? When your dog barks twice, it's a strike! Kick your dog; he's lying to you! Be careful when you back up, so you don't fall over your dog! Did you haul in your strike zone on a tractor-trailer bed? Ump, is that plate round? I've heard better calls at a square dance! I've heard better calls between two tin cans and a piece of string! Hey Blue, were you looking for the curve? Move a little Ump, you're growing' roots! I've seen better blue in a toilet bowl! Hey ump is Mr. Magoo your brother and Helen Keller you mom? Look through the mask, not at it! It really is hot today - that strike zone is melting! Wrong! You couldn't call a cab! The circus is in town and the clowns are wearing blue! There's a town in Massachusetts named after you. (slight pause), it's called MARBLEHEAD! I forgot more baseball than you know! It's a strike zone, not an end zone! You really shouldn't be in the game until you get warmed up! Blue's going' home in the back of the ambulance (after a bad call) Come on blue, turn that mask around and get a GOOD look!! You can go home blue, we'll take it from here! How'd you become an umpire? Flunk out of tollbooth school?
How
about asking the audience? Hey Mr. Magoo, nice call! Have they stopped printing the rulebooks in Braille? Do you get any better or is this it? You're blinking too long! Do you travel with this team? Leave the gift giving to Santa! Take out your glass eye and wash it! OK....the next call should be ours! Guess again, the last call was wrong! Who signs your game checks? Is that guy your nephew Ump? Who taught you how to ump? Helen Keller?" Now I understand why you and the other manager look so much alike! Try to keep up with us here! You're like a bat without sonar! Here's a quarter, go buy a strike zone!
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