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Who's On First (Sketch by Bud Abbot and Lou Costello) Who's On First (Sketch by Bud Abbot and Lou Costello) Baseball and Football (Skit by George Carlin) Baseball and Football  by George Carlin Baseball is different from any other sport, very different. For instance, in most sports you score points or goals; in baseball you score runs. In most sports the ball, or object, is put in play by the offensive team; in baseball the defensive team puts the ball in play, and only the defense is allowed to touch the ball. In fact, in baseball if an offensive player touches the ball intentionally, he's out; sometimes unintentionally, he's out. Also: in football,basketball, soccer, volleyball, and all sports played with a ball, you score with the ball and in baseball the ball prevents you from scoring. In most sports the team is run by a coach; in baseball the team is run by a manager. And only in baseball does the manager or coach wear the same clothing the players do. If you'd ever seen John Madden in his Oakland Raiders uniform,you'd know the reason for this custom. Now, I've mentioned football. Baseball & football are the two most popular spectator sports in this country. And as such, it seems they ought to be able to tell us something about ourselves and our values. I enjoy comparing baseball and football: Baseball is a nineteenth-century pastoral game. Football is a twentieth-century technological struggle. Baseball is played on a diamond, in a park.The baseball park! Football is played on a gridiron, in a stadium, sometimes called Soldier Field or War Memorial Stadium. Baseball begins in the spring, the season of new life. Football begins in the fall, when everything's dying. In football you wear a helmet. In baseball you wear a cap. Football is concerned with downs - what down is it? Baseball is concerned with ups - who's up? In football you receive a penalty. In baseball you make an error. In football the specialist comes in to kick. In baseball the specialist comes in to relieve somebody. Football has hitting, clipping, spearing, piling on, personal fouls, late hitting and unnecessary roughness. Baseball has the sacrifice. Football is played in any kind of weather: rain, snow, sleet, hail, fog... In baseball, if it rains, we don't go out to play. Baseball has the seventh inning stretch. Football has the two minute warning. Baseball has no time limit: we don't know when it's gonna end - might have extra innings. Football is rigidly timed, and it will end even if we've got to go to sudden death. In baseball, during the game, in the stands, there's kind of a picnic feeling; emotions may run high or low, but there's not too much unpleasantness. In football, during the game in the stands, you can be sure that at least twenty-seven times you're capable of taking the life of a fellow human being. And finally, the objectives of the two games are completely different: In football the object is for the quarterback, also known as the field general, to be on target with his aerial assault, riddling the defense by hitting his receivers with deadly accuracy in spite of the blitz, even if he has to use shotgun. With short bullet passes and long bombs, he marches his troops into enemy territory, balancing this aerial assault with a sustained ground attack that punches holes in the forward wall of the enemy's defensive line. In baseball the object is to go home! And to be safe! - I hope I'll be safe at home! What is a hermit? A girls baseball glove.   Little Leaguer: Dad, what does a ballplayer do when his eyesight starts going bad? Dad: He gets a job as an umpire.   Why does a pitcher raise one leg when he pitches? If he raised both legs, he would fall down.   Why was the new shortstop like Cinderella? He ran away from the ball.   What do you get if you cross a lizard with a baseball player? An outfielder who catches flies with his tongue.   What has eighteen legs and catches flies? A Baseball Team   Little League Vampire: Dad, what's the best way to hold a bat? Father Vampire: By the wings, son.   Why did the Brookside Angels have a ghost on their team? To add a little team spirit.   One Day the Devil challenged the Lord to a baseball game.  Smiling the Lord proclaimed, ""Very well, But you realize that we've got all the good players, Babe Ruth, Mickey Mantle, and the best coaches."  The devil snickered, "I know, and that's all right, We've got all the umpires."   A baseball scout found a remarkable prospect--a horse who was a pretty good fielder and who hit the ball every time he was up at bat. The scout got him a try-out with a big league team. Up at bat, the horse slammed the ball into far left field and stood at the plate, watching it go. "Run!" the manager screamed, "Run!" "Are you kidding?" answered the horse. "If I could run, I'd be in the Kentucky Derby."   "Did you hear the joke about the fast pitch?" Never mind, you just missed it."   "Did you hear the joke about the pop fly?"  "Never mind. It's way over your head."   "Did you hear the joke about your pitching style?" "Never mind. It's foul."     KNOCK KNOCK JOKES   Knock - knock. Who's there? Phillip. Phillip who? Let's phillip the bases.     Knock - knock. Who's there? Uriah. Uriah who? Keep Uriah on the ball.   Baseball's Best Sellers Strike Three by U.R. Out   Last-Inning Cliffhangers by D. Bases    R. Loaded   The Umpire Is Always Right by R.U. Nuts   Strike Three by E. Bluitt   The greatest hitter in the world A little boy was overheard talking to himself as he strutted through the backyard, wearing his baseball cap and toting a ball and bat. "I'm the greatest hitter in the world," he announced. Then, he tossed the ball into the air, swung at it, and missed.  "Strike One!" he yelled. Undaunted, he picked up the ball and said again, "I'm the greatest hitter in the world!" He tossed the ball into the air. When it came down he swung again and missed. "Strike Two!" he cried. The boy then paused a moment to examine his bat and bail carefully. He spit on his hands and rubbed them together. He straightened his cap and said once more, "I'm the greatest hitter in the world!" Again he tossed the ball up in the air and swung at it. He missed. "Strike Three!" "Wow!" he exclaimed. "I'm the greatest pitcher in the world!"    Baseball in Heaven Two buddies Bob and Earl were two of the biggest baseball fans in America. Their entire adult lives, Bob and Earl discussed baseball history in the winter, and they pored over every box score during the season. They went to 60 games a year. They even agreed that whoever died first would try to come back and tell the other if there was baseball in heaven. One summer night, Bob passed away in his sleep after watching the Yankee victory earlier in the evening. He died happy. A few nights later, his buddy Earl awoke to the sound of Bob's voice from beyond. "Bob is that you?" Earl asked. "Of course it me," Bob replied. "This is unbelievable!" Earl exclaimed. "So tell me, is there baseball in heaven?" "Well I have some good news and some bad news for you. Which do you want to hear first?" "Tell me the good news first." "Well, the good news is that yes there is baseball in heaven, Earl." "Oh, that is wonderful! So what could possibly be the bad news?" "You're pitching tomorrow night."     A doctor at an insane asylum decided to take his patients to a baseball game. For weeks in advance, he coached his patients to respond to his commands. When the day of the game arrived, everything seemed to be going well. As the National Anthem started.......the doctor yelled, "Up Nuts" And the patients complied by standing up. After the anthem ...he yelled, "Down Nuts". And they all sat back down in their seats. After a home run was hit, the doctor yelled, "Cheer Nuts". They all brokeout into applause and cheered. When the umpire made a particularly bad call against the star of the home team, the Doctor yelled, "Booooo Nuts!!!" and they all started booing and cat calling. Thinking things were going very well. The doctor decided to go get a beer and a hot dog, leaving his assistant in charge. When he returned, there was a riot in progress. Finding his assistant, the doctor asked," What in the world happened? "The assistant replied, "Well, everything was going just fine till a vendor passed by and yelled PEANUTS!"     A Spaniard name Jose came to Miami and wanted to attend a big league game. To his dismay he found that all the seats were sold out. However, the management gave him a high seat by the flagpole. When he returned to his home country his friends asked him, "What kind of people are those Americans?" He said, "Fine people, they gave me a special seat at the ball game and just before the game started that all stood up and sang 'Jose can you see.'"     UMPIRE HECKLES You can go home, blue. We'll take it from here           Hey Mr.Magoo, nice call               Don't donate your eyes to science, they don't want em'           . . . and more!   Got a funny baseball joke?  Send it to us and we'll place it on this page   Click the button above to go back to the web page or web site you were at before coming to this page The term "Little League" and the Little League logo are trademarks of Little League Baseball, Inc., Williamsport, Pa., extended only to local chartered leagues for purposes of  identification and publicity Copyright © 2000 Brookside Little League, Inc. All rights reserved   Indianapolis, In  Please, drop us a line and  let us know what you think, like or dislike or would like to see on our site!   Thank You ,  for visiting Brookside Little League's web Site by Jon Anderson jontanderson@juno.com You are visitor to visit this page since July 10th, 2002