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Open.Arms.And.Open.Eyes.
13.March.2001

It has been forever since i found someone that i truly connecet with, i knew that this thing would not last, i wanted to be with him because there was no one else like him, its hard, because i know there are so few of these people who make me feel good. he is not there it seems, anymore. i feel so sad. sorry for talking about it, but there is no one for me to talk to about personal things, but him, and damnit....i hate this. i am draggin myself everyday to laugh and be okay and ahppy, and it is so hard, but i know, i know inside that it is the only way to learn. so many people talk to me like i am naive or stupid or something, i know more than most of those people, and i have more soul that most anyone will ever have the only thing i have pride in, is my kindness and love for other people, and i know that it wont be appreciated to its full amount sometimes. i gave him a piece of me, and i never got it back...

7.August.2000

i have not written in here in a long time, i am listening to p.o.d. they are playing on t.v. i am amazed by them, i saw them in concert with staind and those other two shitty bands. god, sunny is so sexy and beautiful. he has so much power on stage. Well, anyway, i guess i have been okay, just trying to learn how to keep myself okay and stable, trying to piece things together, to make out what i want to do with my life.... think about who and what i want to be. i want to be something beautiful and something that will fufill me. i dont want to ruin myself by giving up, and failing by not even trying at all. i feel like there is something that i should be doing out there. God...he is beautiful...i am going to go get my tattooo soon, well i plan on having many, but its not like i have a ton of money to do them all in the same month or anything. i am trying to figure out what i want first, all of the things i get will represent different stages of my life, and the first one i know will be on the back of my neck, man, i am so ready to get it.....i am going to get it in december, for my birthday, i think my mom is going to get it for me, but i gotta firgure out what i want. but yeah... so, i was really depressed on and off for a while, like yesterday things just did not work out in my head right nad i wanted so much just to curl up and cry for days....and on saturday nite, when i called dan, it was the first time i had cried in a long while, it felt good to cry and get it out, and dan is such a goood sweet sincere persaon that i felt so comfortable doing it. dj, lets me do that too. he makes me feel like it is okay to feel how ido, and i will not be critisized or looked over for it. i love that. dan and dj make me feel so god about myself, andi dont have many friends that do that, and i think that they are the only ones...... but i guess i will go now, dad needs the comp and i am tired as hell, as usual... much love, lucy

11.July.2000 TRIBAL
Oh my god, i am in such a great mood, why? i dunno...well, anyway, i am just thinking about how I need to start a newer band and get my act together so we can start playing shows...I am feeling so good. This rarely happens, I think i am having another one of my moments. :0 hehe...yeah, well I guess recently thing have been alright, you know, I'm getting along and doing things, i got a new job, I am working at the icing, I didnt like the old jobs....and well actually i liked the vet clinic but i got fired..anyway,,,,am glad to be at my new job, i start on friday.,...hmm, i'm hungry, i have not eaten in a while....i wonder where dan is, i miss him a lot...i miss ryan too....but i have a feeling i will never talk to him again.....damnit, oka now the happiness fades....blue to red....green to white....i die....meow.

24.June.2000 In a Perfectly Windy Sky

There are things that make me feel more emotion than I need to, but in a way these things can complete me and make me stronger. There are problems I have that make me feel so alone sometimes, but I know that someone else may be feeling them too. I know I have to situate my life, and it is taking me so much to be able to do this. I know that I have to learn to give up a lot for others and in order for my relationships(including friendships and such) to be leveld out and for them to be able to work. I am trying my best to show who I am to people, I don't want to just keep saying I am going to, I am going to. It is getting old, and I am actually finally trying and it feels god, no matter how much pain I am in.
I am giving myself the strenght that I need as well as other people around me helping me out in certain areas. I have manic depression, and i cut myself. I have not cut myself for a while because am trying to steer away from those things that just make me break down more. No matter how much better it makes me feel i know subconciously it is hurting me inside. I write all the time, I write about this pain, this hurting as well as all of the things that have happened to me, some of which I will never mention on this page. I try to get it all out, but it makes no difference how hard I try, because it will always be a stain inside of me, and it molds who I am. I love my family and all of my friends, and no matter how much they hurt me sometimes, I will always try to turn the other cheek and let things go, I am sorry, but life is too short to dwell on things and to be unforgiving to those you love. I am trying now, i am trying.

june.22.2000.

There is someone in my life, who makes me smile no matter what, and this person makes me feel like i am doing good. This person lets me sleep and dream so soundly, and makes me feel like i am going to be okay. This person i have not know for a long time, this person is a "He". (right now the word he seems so weird...anyway.) He makes me feel love, adn I feel so comfortable aorund him,and i feel so safe, and so great. He is amazing to me...he is amazing to my soul...I cried just now because of him, I cried just now, because he made me feel so free......sometimes...sometimes...i wish that person was me. I wish i could make people feel good, i wish that i could make people smile. Do i? do i? There is nothing more that i want in life than to make him happy, even though i know i am not the person who will make him happy. There is so much beauty in this world, and sometimes i think i take too much of this in., He means a lot to me and i hope he knows....i just want him to know....God, i fucking love you so much......will you ever know? You make me smile in the most unconcious ways, and i laugh inside my heart, and you never let me lead myself astray......i love you..

When I cry for your hands on my skin

Well last nite I went to sleep at 6am. I was at Katherines house and we were sitting there at about 9, and she got this email from a friend about this girl. This is how it went... "A girl was at home, when her parents were leaving to go out for the nite. Her parents told her to lock all of the doors and windows in the house. She locked every door + window, except for one in the basement which she struggled with. she finally got the window closed, but could not lock it, she figured that she would leave it alone and not worry about it. the girl had her dog with her, so she felt safer. She decided to go to bed at around 10, she slept and at about 12am she woke up, she did not know why she woke up, she just reached down her hand to let her dog lick her to reassure her he was there. she fell back asleep. Then, at about 3:45am, she woke up again to a dripping sound, she thought maybe her mother left the faucet slightly on, but she did not worry about it. At 6:00am, she woke up again to hear the same annoying drip, and she heard someone in the driveway. She got up figuring it was her parents, and felt a little relieved. When she got up, she stepped into the bathroom to find her dog, brutally skinned and torn apart hanging from the shower bar. she freaked out and locked herself in her room, she found a note next to her bed written in her dogs blood that read, "Humans can lick too, beautiful." Two weeks later the girl was raped and killed by an unknown suspect."
Okay, so this totally tweaked me out at Katherines, and both her and i were like "holy shit, what the hell?!? that is freaky!" She thought about it, but it did not bother her much, she was looking at nose rings online, but I could not get it out of my head, i was so scared inside, and scared that something may happen. (Mind you, i have not taken my medicine for my hallucinations in 2 weeks. it slipped my mind.) So, we just chill at her place, we got her dog drunk, we drank a few beers on empty tummys and laughed a lot. Then she was tired and i had to get up at 9 this morning to go to a class. we went to bed, and i got really freaked out, because katherine lives in Darnestown which is sort of like the "open-big-housed-country part of maryland. And in her house they NEVER lock their doors. So I started to hallucinate really bad after I read the email, but I tried to disreguard it as nothing...this did not work when i started seeing her brother walk around in the darkness and she told me he was in his room, and when i started to see people hovering over me that i did not know holding needles....what the hell, you ask? i know, what the hell!? Well, anyway, i had to sleep with the bathroom light on like a wuss, and close her door and i was up all nite trying not to cry and holding the blanket right beneath my eyes, in a cold sweat, scared shitless while katherine got her beauty res (love you katherine!, hehe) but yeah, so i got up, tired as hell...blah blah blah....
Anyway, I am fine now, at home, I just prayed for the morning to come, it was all I felt could save me from being so terrified and as soon as I saw that beautiful light hit my face in the morning I was so relieved and unafraid...anyway..that was my story for today. meow!
Love and Tweakiness,
Lucy

17.June.2000 ~something more than this~

At this time, right now, I feel very alone. I feel like there was something taken from inside of me months ago and never put back.
Everyone around me has someone, and something to be able to be there for them. I abused myself in so many ways because I tried to figure out what was wrong with me, why does no one want to be by my side? Why does no one want to hold me?
There is nothing I can do, and if I go out and pursue something than I will be afraid of the rejection. I don't even necessarily HAVE to have a boifriend/girlfriend or anything, I just need someone who says that they will be there when i need them. Someone who I can just hold for hours and fall asleep next to and know that they are hoping that I am okay.
Well, I'm not okay and I dont have any of those things. I just feel locked up and chained inside, I can't even describe, and I am sure some people go through this, but there is a lot more wrong with me than people know, and I am not going to explain it. A little bit of it is explained in my other journal entries. I am just helpless right now and I have no clue where to go from here. What do I do? Should I just sit back and let everything happen by itself? Or should I try to do something about it? But I do not know what it is I am supposed to do, beg, plead, ask, think it out. wonder pr just cry everyday in the shower like I have been doing forever. Well, this is all I am going to say for now....I am lonely....so sad....so very sad.....I just want to sleep for days.
Raindrops and Kittens,
Lucy

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Email: bruised_violet77@yahoo.com