By Pandora North Star A Change of Heart (Or Beautiful in My Eyes) I was on a mission. Kill the thing I hated more than anything. Or almost anything. I loved her more. But that last time in the alley. It was just to much. I couldn't handle it all. Not without a beating heart. I haven't been that whiny since I was human. And I vow never to be again. All it takes is one perfect shot and the pain will be gone. I walked to her house with deadly determination in my step. I crept through the shadows and found her on the porch, crying. It is a rare moment to catch a slayer crying and I guess that's why I stopped. Rather than me catching her off guard she caught me. I couldn't very well shoot her then. Where's the sport in that? And besides I admit it to myself now she was more than beautiful. She was the very essence of human life. The gun that was going to kill her hung limply at my side as words tumbled out of my mouth along the lines of "What's wrong?" Not the verbal genius of earlier but she looked up. "I don't want to talk about it." "Anything I can do?" Again with the dumb questions. I found my legs carrying me towards her. I couldn't stop them and I didn't want to. She didn't raise a fist to hurt me like usual so I took it for a good sign. My hand reached over and touched her back. She shuttered slightly. I rubbed her soft cotton shirt. I could smell her sweet vanilla musk scent and it was intoxicating. She made a hiccup sound and rubbed the tears from her eyes. I drew my hand back and it was silent for a moment. "Why are you being nice to me?" She looked at me with her red puffy eyes, her lip trembling. I felt the urge to kiss her again but shoved it deep inside. It wasn't the time or place. "I'm all you've got." The words kept coming up in our twisted relationship. "But we hate each other." "A thin line between love and hate slayer. You know that best." I was proud. A bunch of mushy nonsense and I was king of it. "It's my mom." She finally admitted. "She might have cancer." "I'm sorry. But they have all those doctors now. One's bound to do her good." "Yeah. Maybe." "So where's the gang?" I glanced around. I didn't want Captain Cardboard swooping down on me. She shrugged. "They don't know?" I raised my brow. This was a first. I was before all the scoobies. She shrugged and leaned over, resting her head on my shoulder. A fleeting guilt moment for Harm and I was in heaven. "You smell. But I don't care." She mumbled letting fresh tears roll down her face and across the leather of my old coat. "I'm sorry I've been so mean to you. You haven't been that mean. Not since you were neutered. But I still can't understand why you are being nice." "I couldn't tell you either. I'm supposed to hate you." "Then its agreed. We hate each other." She shifted and began prodding me up. I understood. I heard her noisy friends approaching. I picked up my gun and went back into the shadows. I waited, listening. "Hey Buffy. We killed that vampire that staked you. What's wrong?" "Hey guys that's great. Nothings wrong. I'm just really tired." I heard her kiss Riley. "I'll see you all tomorrow." "Bye Buffy." They chorused. I heard them disappear. I met her again the next day at the hospital. I was there when she found out her mother was sick. I was the one whose arms in which she flew. But Riley was the one she wanted. "Spike I know I've been pushing him away. But I think I need him now. I want to try and need him." We were sitting with a sleeping Dawn outside her mom's room when she began talking. "I can't leave now. Not until she wakes up and we tell her. You'll go find him for me won't you?" I nodded. What else could I do? I would be whatever she needed. I was all I could do. I hurried across town with my ragged canvas blanket in tow and arrived in the empty Summers house. I have never been there when it was empty. It seemed wrong. A house associated with such life seemed still and dead. I took a quick sniff. He wasn't there. But I couldn't bear to go out just yet dodging the damn sun so I stayed a few minutes, sauntering upstairs and investigating her bedroom. I picked up a fuzzy pink sweater. I hated the color but on her it was beautiful. I sniffed it not realizing Riley had entered because I was reveling in the smells it gave off. "What are you doing here?" I spun around dropping the sweater. "Bloody hell." I growled. "Buffy sent me here to find you." "Did she now? Get out." He pushed me towards the door. I reached out and with my luck didn't get something solid. Rather I caught some panties. I shoved them in my pocket as we tumbled down the stairs. "Don't touch me again." I got into fighting stance, morphing. It was hard to do then. Harder now. But I wanted to scare him. "Get out. I don't know why she didn't uninvite you." "Hmm. Let me think. I'm her friend. She sent me here to find you because I knew that her mother had a brain tumor before you did," Yeah that's right. Take that Captain Cardboard! He looked at me angrily then sadly. I lorded it over him for a moment. Then his lips tightened and his brows knit. "Get out now." He tossed the blanket and pulled me out the door. I felt my skin sizzling as I reached for it and escaped to the lair. Harm was there in all her ditzy glory. Another day, any other day I might not have done it but I couldn't deal with her. I kicked her out before she knew what was happening. I had it all to myself again. It was all Buffy's fault. I could have killed her 1000 times over but I never did. Why? Because I had a secret hope that I didn't know about, that someday she would want me and I could taste her. That was probably it no matter how much I denied it. I thirsted for the slayer more than all the blood in the world. ~ We talked of the dance. I remember. The days before. I had taunted her. Saw the gleam in her eyes. She wouldn't give in. The words had flowed from the lips of an enlightened God and she was preaching to the shepherd. She came to me during the night. Briefly. I saw her silhouetted in the moon outside the tomb as she dropped a letter inside the grate, I had been up reading. I picked up the letter, written on hospital stationary in her big loopy writing. "Thank you for getting him Spike. But God damn me I pushed him away again. I don't know why. He gives 100% of himself to me and I'm overwhelmed. I don't know why I am writing this to you. We have a pure hate between us that keeps everything right but all my black and whites are turning gray. Despite everything between us we are bound by the Slayer/Vampire relationship. There is a dependable faith in that. Meet me at the Magic Box an hour before sunrise so we can talk." I read it aloud twice. It was very confusing. Why we couldn't talk then was beyond me but sure enough I went. I had nothing in the world and she was my sole interest at this point. "You came." She was standing outside the Magic Box leaning against the wall. She popped up and came over. "I'm so glad you aren't to burned. Riley said he burned you." "Why did you want me here Buffy?" The sun was making me itchy as it played just below the horizon. Vampires can feel it. I wanted to get away. "Is there something I can do?" "He told the others. There's a big group meeting about Glory that demon woman." "You want me to come?" She shrugged looking away. "If you're hungry later I can stop by the butcher's for you. I know how much you like that pigs blood." She joked changing the subject. "Only if you want too." She looked as awkward as the time I tried to kiss her. She reached out and embraced me hard and fast then disappeared down the street. I might have gone home and forgotten about the stupid meeting if she hadn't hugged me. But I stuck around seeking shelter across the road at a cafe. It is a great or tragic day depending on how you see it when a slayer and a bad vampire embrace. I saw them go in one by one later. She was toting along that weird sister of hers. I didn't like her sister. She made me feel weird. But it couldn't be help. I dashed across the street and into the shop. All eyes were upon me. "I figured he could help. We need all the power can get against her." Buffy stuttered to the gang. "I can kill demons." I reminded them. Dawn rolled her eyes. "Little bugger." I murmured to myself. They, not caring about me went into research mode. "She has to have an Achilles heel." Giles said later frustrated. "That's it." Buffy jumped up when he said it knocking down some priceless junk. "Her heel. Or her heels. When we fought she stopped because she broke a shoe. Maybe we could poison her shoes!" Riley got up to stop Buffy. The look in her eyes was one of pure exhaustion but I beat him to it. "Slayer you need rest. Take the kid sister and go home. All you chaps should be ashamed. Putting the whole town's life in danger with an overworked slayer." I added the last part hastily, seeing that I came off as concerned. I pushed her towards the door and they all looked at me in surprise. I think I turned red despite the fact I have no temperature. "Has the world gone nuts? You were just nice to Buffy. That's not weird. That's pathetic." Riley glared at me. I could tell he was jealous. You could smell it radiating off of him. My vampire senses kicked in. "You reek of jealousy ya know." I said tauntingly. "She doesn't love you and you can't handle it. Each day you wake up and poor your soul into her and go to bed void of any humanity." His eyes narrowed. He pulled himself up to his full height and stalked forward. It was dumb of me to say. And deadly. I couldn't stop him. Not without hurting him. The stake entered my stomach and I was on the floor. I remember Giles pulling Riley away while Xander laughed. Willow rushed to my side. She I think now looking back, understood what Buffy meant to me. Her wise intuition saw past all the fake. "Chill man. Don't let that scum bag get to you." Xander said to Riley when he stopped laughing. Riley tossed away the stake and exited, but not before getting in one last zinger. "You're not worth my time." "Funny I'm worth Buffy's!" I yelled painfully as the door jingled shut. The scoobies exchanged glances. While they were so immersed with research they didn't know how bad the situation had gotten. I sat up with gut wrenching pain. "Sorry about the blood." I moaned to Giles grabbing a magical cloak. He nodded vaguely. I wrapped it around myself the best I could and stumbled out of the shop. I didn't go home. I went straight to Buffy's. I wanted to make sure she was really resting and the sick part of me wanted her to see what Riley did. Gain sympathy. "You make Buffy cry." Dawn said opening the door. "I did?" I squeaked. I never in my life have squeaked. It was humiliating. "Well sort of. It might be mom. She was moaning your name though." At any other time that might have been a turn on. "Where is she?" Dawn pointed upstairs and I headed up. I entered the darkened room quietly but Buffy sensed me. "Spike? What are you doing here?" She got up wearing her sushi pajamas. "I just wanted to make sure you were ok. I'll go now." "Why do I smell blood?" "Your boyfriend staked me." She came closer. I saw her examining me. I put my hand to my stomach. The flesh was already reknititng itself. I drew it back and showed her. "Why would he do that?" "Because of us. The game. The dance." I said breathily. She was so close. So vulnerable. Her neck so close to my lips. "Go back to bed. It will heal." She yawned. "I'll bring the brat to the hospital. Check on your mum for you. Got nothing bloody better to do." "You will?" "Of course. A vamp wants to stay on a slayer's good side doesn't he?" "Thanks Spike." She got into bed and was soon asleep again. "Get your things. We are going to the Box." "Again? I just left." Dawn whined. "What about school?" "Nice try. I'm a vampire. In my day all we did was attend school for a few years." "Then can I visit my mom? I hate that boring old shop just sitting there." "Alright then. But we are taking my car. My skin can't take much more of this hell." We went to the hospital and I dropped her off with her mother. I left the room making excuses to get food for Dawn because ti was to awkward in there. I got sidetracked in a blood bank room before ending up with vending machine goodies, I can't tell you the glorious indulgence a blood bank is. It is like roaming free of charge through a Godiva candy store. When I returned they were having a home cooked hospital meal so I left them alone. I sat outside feeling quite sorry for myself as I recalled my own family. My mother died giving birth to me and my father died when I was halfway through university, leaving me penniless so I worked for a printer. Not much of a family life. The girl should be grateful. She would always have The Scooby Gang. Ah blast it all. What do I care? I'm a demon aren't I? I nodded off sitting there only to be awoken by a rude shove. "Spike." "Don't touch me you big nasty cub scout." I snapped tiredly. "Giles sent me here to check on Buffy's mom. It's a good thing too. How the hell did you end up here?" "How do you think? Buffy trusts me more than you. But you can have the little brat." I high tailed it. I wasn't in good enough condition to take anymore abuse. Now I'm a bit fuzzy on the whole alien bit. All I know is that Mrs summers was home and I was downstairs when the fighting started. I was collecting things to make Buffy a present so she was very surprised and snapped at me. I helped her finish off the demon thing that had gotten into her house and was able to lord it over Captain Cardboard at the same time. He arrived just after we finished with a bunch of his little green army men. I was on top of the world for one brief shining moment but there was no one there to share it with. Buffy was falling apart each moment. I could see it. I couldn't bear being at the hospital when they brought her mother in for surgery. I came later when it was only Captain Cardboard and her hanging around. But apparently he had left her for awhile because I could smell him. He reeked of blood I know now I shouldn't have said anything. I probably drove him to it. But a vampire has got to get his jollies somehow. "You reek of vampire." I said facing off with him. Buffy perked up and glanced between the 2 of us. "You've been tasted. Today." Riley shook his head slightly. I honed in. Quick as lightening I yanked up his sleeve baring the puncture holes that were still dripping. "Riley?" Buffy grimaced. "Is there something you want to tell me? "There's more. "I said evilly. I went for his collar and he grabbed my arm. I had no intention to hurt him so I won out. I pulled it, ripping the knit sweater. Older holes were exposed on his neck. "I know that smell." I grinned. It was too delicious. "Madame Hoo the vampire tramp of the West Side. Dangerous area to be in Mr Commando." Buffy shook her head in disbelief. The usually nice curls that framed her face had gone to frizzy messes over the course of days. "Why Riley?" "I'm sorry." "It's all my fault." She sobbed fresh tears. I almost rolled my eyes. And I thought she was a strong thing. But I caught myself. I cried to when she had tossed the money at me. I let it go. "I didn't love you enough. I pushed you away." She reached for him. He backed away his face a pale stoic statue. I could understand. When Dru was around Angel I pretended I didn't care. Cut myself off. He had been doing it for quite awhile from those bite marks. He impressed me. He danced with death more than she those days. "We can get help together Riley. I'm sorry." "We can't. I gave you so many chances." It was his turn to grow frustrated. "Why can't you love me back?" He retreated further down the hall until he started running. "Oh God. What have I done?" I put my coat around her shoulders. It looked so big on her. She was silent for a moment, trembling under my big old smelly coat. She reached her hand out to me and took my arm shaking it. "Spike you have to go after him. I know him. He's going to that..." "Madame Hoo's." "I can feel it Spike. It's very bad." "I'll stop him." I kissed her forehead and made my way outside. If it wasn't for Harmony stopping me, well throwing herself in front of my car and getting all scorched I might have made it across town in time. But part of me didn't want too, I'm not idiot. I'm just a fool in love. But part of me did. The part that loved her wanted both and I was split. I had the blood stained cape on as I made my way through the alley and into the apartment building. I couldn't be to careful. I had a bad rep in that part of town. Still do. Now more than ever. It felt very sick and wrong to be back in that building. I can only imagine the shame he felt. He might just use her for the love nips but I used her for the other things. A vamps got to get his kicks somehow when he doesn't have a girlfriend. I paused in front of the door. Buffy had slipped a stake in my pocket at the hospital. I would have thought her hand in my pocket sensual had I time. But I pulled it out and kicked in the door. I heard shrieking. He was lying there, both wrists bleeding profusely. 2 women vampires came at me. I knew one more than I'd care to say. I staked her quickly, knowing the moves. The other one egressed, quite perturbed. It was the first time I staked another vamp with that being my mission. It gave me a sinful pleasure and it also felt truly disgusting. I reached for his neck. Yes there was a weak pulse. I ripped my shirt tails and tied them around his wrists to keep the blood flow down. Then I hoisted him up knowing full well holding him and getting to the car would ruin the skin on my hands. I fled the damned area and sped back to the hospital. I must pride myself or berate myself here. I probably saved his life for the time being. I did something no other vampire besides Angel had done. They took him as soon as I arrived for a blood transfusion. I wandered upstairs to find Buffy. She was sitting on a chair still wrapped in my coat. "Did you find him?" She ran over to me. "I did." I took her hand. "Oh God." "He lost a lot of blood. I'm not sure. They took him. He was still alive. How's your mom?" "They won't tell us anything." Her hand touched my chest, resting on my unbeating heart. "If she...if he... and Dawn isn't..." she started. "I might have scoobies, but I'll be all alone." "Slayer," She looked up. "Do you remember 3 years ago? No friends, no family, no lover, on the run from the law were you alone?" "I-I had me." She stuttered catching on. "Come on." I headed to a stairwell. She followed. "I might regret this later but hit me. You want to hit me. You are angry at the world. Aren't I always your punching bag? Hit me." She shook her head and stood there miserably. "You haven't hit anything in days, save that crawling nasty thing, now hit me. You dumb git hit me!" I yelled the last part. I didn't mean it but I knew I was actually helping her. Slayers cope by fighting. It's in their blood. I was just feeding her soul. She drew back her fist and it snapped knocking me back. I felt my nose inflame. More punches reigned down on me. I dodged a few of them, parried a few and let most pummel me to mush. Finally she sat down exhausted and leaned against the wall. I stood over her as she dozed off curled in my ugly old coat. I watched over her like Angel would have, letting the time she was asleep start to heal my wounds. I suppose a more poetic man than myself might say the time was healing the wounds that came from saving her lover. The guy whose place I would do anything for. I showed serious battle scars those few days of tense emotion. You're bound to show scars if you are around her long enough. Both of us looked like we had lived in the woods for days. Unkept hair. Ripped clothing. She puffy eyes, me puffy skin. Night came again. I was hungry. I wouldn't take the blood though. It could wait. She awoke and we went back to stand vigilant at her mother's room. Other scoobies arrived craving news. Dawn we found out was with Willow safe at home. Which relieved Buffy for some unknown reason. She kept the poor kid on a short leash. But that's not my worry. They had all been rather quiet, hiding all their fears about the demon woman and what the deaths would do to their little family. I could sense and smell it all. It gave me a headache. A doctor went into the room and we all held out breath. Well those of us with breath did anyway. "Buffy your mother went through the procedure fine. The removal was clean. There is a good chance she will survive. But I can't promise. It could always grow back. I can't let you see her right now but she is awake and sends her love." "Thank you doctor." At least one thing was looking up. I slipped out while they were all congratulating her, trying to ease the nervousness and anxiety about Riley to go check on him. They wouldn't say much in the ICU wing. Only that he was still in a coma. I came back upstairs and caught Buffy. I shook my head indicating no change. She nodded bravely. "Buffy go home with everyone. I'll stay here. If anything changes I'll call you. You are a mess." She nodded. The others looked at me. I glowered at them. Xander put his arm around her and I began patrolling the hallways. If I met a vampire at that moment they probably would have spit on me if they know what I had just done. The thought depressed me. I felt like I was treading Angel's worn path even more. I wasn't a real vampire and I was far from human. I didn't even have a soul. Where did I belong? Vampires usually don't sleep that much but I found myself so hungry all I could do was just sit down and sleep. I dreamed. Lord I haven't dreamed of Drusilla in over a year. And I hated it. "Spike. You are a wretched little thing. Just like daddy. You ought to die. It's disgusting." I woke with a start. "You were the one that brought in Riley Finn aren't you?" I looked at the young intern wearily. "Yeah. News of the bloke?" "I'm very sorry. He slipped away. We could not stop it. He lost to much blood. Is there family we can contact?" "Yeah. In Iowa. Let me get his girlfriend here." I sent the intern away. I was shocked. I couldn't believe it really happened. He always seemed so sturdy. Such a formidable opponent and he let go. The wimp. Because He didn't see a future. Even in my darkest hours I didn't give up. It was a sorry state of affairs. I couldn't call her. Not yet anyway. I went to the morgue and saw the body. It was still warm. He looked peaceful. I wished I could have done something. Even bitten him. Made him for her so he wouldn't be completely gone. But she would hate me for it. "Goodbye Riley. Maybe in another life we could have been allies." It was all I could offer him. I left the hospital and walked to Buffy's house. Calling was to cruel. She fell into my arms when I arrived knowing what I was going to say before I said it. Dawn cried too. If I had a working heart it would have broke. I was surprised she still had tears left. "I did all I could. They did too. There wasn't anything we could do. He was determined." "I need a little more time. Just a little more time." Buffy choked. "Why didn't you make him? I hate you." She drew back. "Why didn't you make him?" She hit me hard then bolted up the stairs. I let a tear go. "I would have Buffy. Lord knows I would have." I whispered to the dark house. Dawn came over to me with my coat. I took it. I wanted to leave her something. But I had nothing to give her. I owned nothing in the world. She already held my heart. Dawn gave me my coat. I took it and left. The scoobies needed to know. I would have bet anything that the government already know. They were already doing unnameable things to his body. They gathered quickly. 1 unit I wasn't quite part of, And then they headed to her house. It was still warm out. Candles and boom box in tow we stood under her window. It wasn't right to storm in with apologies. I wanted to kill Xander. He was blasting some hideous pop song with a vague title of "With You in Your Dreams" a very weepy death song. "Go away!" She yelled out the window to us. I leaped up onto the porch roof and then I went to her open window and pushed it up further. "We can't go away. We care about you to much." I whispered into the shadows. I caught her blond hair gleaming in the moonlight. "We are going to smother you with love and you have no say." "Not now Spike." She insisted. I slipped inside. She was sitting on the bed clutching the remains of Gordo her favorite stuffed animal. "I must insist." "No." She got up flinging it at me. "I want to die. I want to dance. I want to dance with you." She said desperately. "Not tonight Buffy. It's not your time." "No it isn't. Because my it time past. I should have drowned 4 years ago and not let myself go through all this pain. There's just so much pain and it doesn't stop. It never stops. It always hurts and I can't make it go away. Dad...Angel...Parker...Mom...Riley. I've lived to long as a Slayer. Our lives are short and painful. It's not fair." "Shut up." I stopped her tail of woe. It was the only thing I could do. I clamped her mouth in a rude fashion. "You are not a simpering little girl like the rest. I know you have your pain. But you are better than every single person out there in the world. You are the chosen one. Sent here to keep the threshold between worlds together and to walk the path of the courageous and noble. It is the hardest path to follow. You didn't have a choice. But you do now. You can keep crying, while that demon woman slowly takes over everything or you could stand and fight like it is in your blood to do. Which do you choose?" I removed my hand. She dried her eyes with her sweater cuff. "I'm not better than anyone." She argued. "Yes you are. Can't you see it? Why else would you be chosen? You have a knack for keeping everyone together. Keeping the world glued together. You are the bloody finest carpenter I've ever seen. I know if it weren't for you I'd fall apart." There I'd said it. The latent reason for my monologue. "You'd fall apart?" She repeated. "Lord help me, you've fueled me in ways I can't describe. You set fire to my soul when I thought I should end it. I can't let you kill yourself. I'm trying to repay my debt." "I set fire to your soul? You don't have one." That was the key. She was giving me a soul. With each moment we were near it had been growing. I could feel it now. A beat of my heart here and there. A drop of blood awakening. Beginning to churn in veins unused for over 100 years. And it hurt like hell. "Ahhh!" I screamed in anguish. Her eyes went wide. I could feel myself burning up then freezing in the same instant. All things were twirling around me. I put my hands to my head in an attempt to stop it. "Spike? Are you ok?" It all faded. All except for the pounding in my ears of a long dead heart. "You have awoken my soul. You have given my life. With every breath I take now it is one we share." I murmured madly. Almost giddy. I wasn't used to breathing yet and the oxygen came in heaping gasps. "Is everyone ok in there?" The door busted in and the Scoobies came rushing around us. "Good lord I thought you killed her." Giles said to me. I rolled my eyes. "You. You're different." "I should hope you'd notice. I got me a soul again." I said. "And the human aches and pains to prove it." My stake wound and punch wounds were all the more real now. "Damn. He got his wings before Angel." Xander whistled. "I don't understand this. How could I become human? I'm not some nancy boy champion of the lost. I only tried to help Buffy because I love her." I hadn't meant to say it out loud. The room grew quiet. "You love Buffy? Oh man poor Buffy." Xander laughed. "Don't laugh Xander." Giles shushed him. "I think we've witnessed another miracle for the power of love." "I don't buy it. If he gets to be human again don't I get to be demon again?" "No. I think it's like when you lost you demon and became human again. That's what happened to him." "Could everyone stop talking about me like I'm not here. What am I to do now? This soul is starting to hurt something awful." "Please all of you be quiet." Buffy spoke up. "A great deal of things have happened to us all tonight. And I can't handle it. Now I am going to go away for a few hours. When I come back you all can help me talk to Riley's parents." She took a deep breath. "I will be back later. I need to be alone." I trusted her right then. I could see it. To this day no one knows where she went. Maybe it was a metaphoric place in her mind. But wherever it was she drew power from it and through all the proceedings regarding Riley she was the goddess and huntress she once was. No more tears came. They buried Riley in Iowa. She went with Graham there. We had a small wake at her house before she left. The good thing that came out of all this was that I was finally part of the group. I was teased for the few days Buffy was gone about my past but after staking Harm it was all forgotten. I helped Mrs Summers home and looked after Dawn while Buffy was gone. I became part of the family. The day finally came for a showdown with Glory the Ancient Evil demon lady. We banned together like they had always done in the past. Each using their own skills in an amazing fight. I don't think I shall ever forget the sound of the thunder and the flashes of lightening that occurred all around us as the wind ripped up anything that wasn't bolted down. Willow was the one who did her in, In the end calling up some ancient God to contain and return Glory to her prison. We were informed of Dawn's true meaning from on high. The key. For the evil she was the key to controlling hell. For the good a key the past and future and all the knowledge of the world. But smart people know that knowing everything isn't good so it wasn't a problem. Buffy wasn't as nervous about her after Glory was gone. She became a normal sister to Dawn and gradually, day by day Buffy grew happier. I could tell. It was a long time in the making. I had my first birthday in over 110 years and I felt not a day older than 30 but I knew things no 30 year old could ever hope to know. We slowly grew into a routine. Each morning as if it had been going on for eons I sent her and Dawn off to school. Then I cared for Joyce and went to work for a few hours at the Magic Box. Then I came home for lunch sometimes with Xander or Anya. After I went back to the Magic Box. Buffy came home and made dinner then we would patrol. It was a peaceful life. One time I got to tell you I heard a rumor Darla and Drusilla were back in LA. But LA was a whole other world away and we all quickly forgot. Buffy's birthday came that January. I came home early and fixed her a dinner. It was exceptionally warm for January so we sat outside in the sweet air. "Never in my life, if I had been told I would be here with you tonight believe it. But you've changed so much Spike." Buffy admitted as we dined. "I guess I have." "Guess you have? You're human. Can't change much more than that." "I don't think we will ever know why I was turned human." "I think we know. Inside us is the answer if we really wanted it." "Now you sound like me spouting off all that crap." We laughed like good friends remarking on the past. But I still longed to be with her. Though I never persisted. She went off with her friends to the Bronze later. She offered me to join them but I declined and stayed home with the other Summers women quietly reading. She came home later and I stopped her on the stairs. "You haven't opened your present yet." I said. She came over. "You didn't have too." I produced it from beside my armchair. She opened the small box and pulled out a durable yet elegant silver watch. "I noticed you didn't have a watch. Read the back." She turned it over. Engraved on the back was a silver cross and inside the cross the words ‘Don't let the sun set on tomorrow before it rises.' She gawked for a moment. "Time is a precious thing. You know that better than anyone I wager." "It's beautiful Spike. I didn't know you were capable of something like that." "I wouldn't have guessed it either. But you bring something out in me Buffy." I waved my hand. Dawn cued up the music like I asked then I heard her thump out of the room. Buffy giggled. "Will you dance with me now Slayer?" I put my hand out to her. She put the watch down. "Spike..."She protested taking my hand. Dido's song ‘Here with Me' played in the background. I guided her away from the stairs and danced with her in an old fashioned way from my time but it slipped to a casual slow dance twirling in each other's arms. I pulled her body close to mine as if she would disappear and it would turn into a dream. She smelled heavenly. I closed my eyes trying to make a memory. I still remember it to this day. The exact feelings of being there in her embrace. "Oh I am what I am, I'll do what I want, and I won't go, I won't sleep, I can't be until you're resting here with me." Buffy sang barely audible. It touched me in a way I have never been touched. The way her voice showed everything the song meant to display. I lifted her chin with one hand and stole a forbidden kiss. And then nothing happened for awhile. I'm sure you're thinking I'm lying. Saving the juicy stuff for myself. But we were so busy and it would have messed everything up. It had been a sweet loving kiss. Then we were both patrolling one night and attacked by a group of vampires. We fought ourselves into a frenzy. When it was over we both stood there panting and still bobbing in fight mode. We looked at each other, a gleam was in her eye and we kissed. It wasn't at all like the first one. It was hard and full of passion. I loved every second of it. It gave me a renewed sense of love and lust for her. I Picked her up and thrust her against a grave. It was exactly like one of my long ago dreams. We kissed for a few minutes until the fire began to wane. I let her down and we pulled away. "Spike I-" She started but she didn't know where it was going. I didn't either. "You didn't mean for it to happen. Again. That's ok." I said sadly. "No." She hesitated. "I liked it. But I'm still hurting Spike." That was early February. About 2 months after Riley passed. And something happened that no one expected. Least of all me. Buffy woke up one morning sick as a dog. We rushed her to the doctor only to find out she was pregnant. She broke into tears as soon as we found out. "I can't be. No not Riley. It can't be his. Spike I'm the Slayer. I can't. I have to save the world. Oh it would kill Angel." She cried to me sadly. "What am I going to do?" "I don't know Buffy. But whatever you decide I will be here. I'm not going anywhere." I comforted her. And I wasn't. I had been fairly happy until that moment. I really hated Riley, that damn bloke but until that moment I had hated Angel more. He got her pregnant then he committed suicide. "We can't tell Giles. No one can know." "But Buffy eventually your stomach will grow. They'll know." "But what if I miscarriage. I mean with all the fighting it could happen. No need to worry." "You will not be fighting." I said instantly, shocked that she would consider it. "But who will?" "They'll survived without you before haven't they? When you ran away? While Glory was around? I'll take over patrol." "What about abortion?" She said it softly. Dangerously. She looked up at me. Searching my face for an expression of approval or disapproval. She wouldn't find one. "I'll support your decision no matter what. It's a hard one to make." "I could give it away. I couldn't bear to let it be part of my world. Spike all that darkness is no place for a child." She cried fresh tears. I kissed her forehead. Finally we left. Went home. Dawn kept prying into the situation but we attributed it to food poisoning. I felt the burden of our little world on me. Even though it was Buffy's decision. I was the sole holder of the knowledge. Every time for the next 2 weeks a saw a Scooby I panicked. They would find out. They would be angry, upset, scared and blame me. Just because I was there they would blame me. I became almost paranoid. I came home from work one day exhausted. She had been sick that morning. We hid it from her family. Then it was a zoo at work and Anya ditched. "Buffy?" I looked around the house. "Yeah Spike?" She came up from the basement with a basket of clean laundry. My laundry. She had forced me to change my clothes more and wear brighter colors. "I'm sick of the lies." I announced. "I can't take it anymore. I have a soul now and it hurts. You've got to make the decision." "I can't Spike. They would be so ashamed of me. They would be so angry." "They loved you after the Angel fiasco didn't they? Why would they love you any less. Do I? No. I'm still here." She put the basket down and fumbled with some of it, quickly folding it. I softened. "I know you're afraid. After everything that has happened in the last 2 months. I'm surprised you hold it together as well as you do." ~ "Really? I'm just a big old mess." She shook her head. I came towards her and straightened her. "Buffy do you feel strongly about this child not being part of the darkness?" A crazy plan had begun unfurling in my head. She nodded. "It wouldn't be right or fair." "Do you trust me?" "I've learned to trust you. I trust you I think." "With a life?" "What Spike?" She gave me a confused glance. "The baby. When you are ready. I could take it away. We could go far away. Back home to England. We could write. I could keep you updated. And when he or she is old enough we could return." "I don't know Spike. What would everything think. My mother? Dawn?" "That doesn't matter. What do you feel? I'm only saying I will do this because I love you and I will love your child as well." "I don't know. It might be the best option. I couldn't bare to kill it. Or give it away. But Spike it will hate me for sending it away." "But because you love it you will send it away." She nodded slowly seeing the seriousness. "I will say maybe. I will not know until the time comes." "Fair enough. Now we need to tell them." "Gather everyone tonight at Giles. Not here." So it happened that everyone met at Giles house. I feigned surprise at the news. It would hurt them to know I knew first. Willow and Tara were very excited. Anya didn't get why they were excited. Giles sat stony, tightlipped and Xander slyly denounced Riley. Dawn in her young innocence was very happy. She would be an aunt. But Joyce was still sick and she was worried about Buffy. It wasn't the best day ever but we both got through it and they all assured her they loved her just the same. The wonder of Angel was still in the backs of our minds. What if he ever returned? What if he found out. I think that was part of the reason Buffy agreed with my plan. The next 7 months were a blur. Buffy was gradually less active and we became wearier and wearier about the next apocalypse. I did all I could but I was only human and I had my mishaps in the line of battle. She struggled as hard as she could to keep her education going and I applaud her for that. No one else could have dealt with so much. She managed to finish her junior year without failing. I came home from work one day at the end of summer. I believe it was September 1st. Buffy was sitting on the couch propped up with a bowl of ice cream resting on her stomach. She was flipping through a name book. "Hey Buffy." I said quietly. "Hi. Mom's out shopping. Dawn's at a friends." I kissed her softly on the lips for a moment. It wasn't one of a fresh lover's kiss but rather of a long loved mate. "I was looking at names. What do you think of David or Liam for a boy?" I shrugged. "Girls names?" "I don't know. Maybe Kendra." A moment of silence for her fallen friend. "But I tend to think it is a boy." "Well how about Rupert Alexander Summers?" I joked. She made a face. And it didn't stop. "Oh my god!" She hissed. I jumped from the couch. I bolted upstairs to grab the suitcase and we were in my car, no time flat. "This better be a quick birth." she moaned. We arrived at Sunnydale Memorial and I helped her inside to a wheelchair. "Come with us." An doctor lead us to a maternity room to stay while the contractions began. It was to soon for delivery. "Are you the father?" Buffy and I looked at each other. "Yes." "Then you'll need to fill out some forms then get on some scrubs." I nodded meekly. It was getting overwhelming and I really hated the harsh flourescent hospital lights. I went to the registration desk and filled out forms then I remembered that the others might like to know. I left a message at home and then I left another with Tara who promised to gather up the gang and I was back with Buffy. The beautiful motherly glow she usually had was replaced with the game face she wore when fighting vampires. For the most part she was quiet haven dealt with much more pain and the Slayer strength factor. I stood by her in the silly looking clothing feeling like I really was the father. "Come on Buffy. You can do it." I coached her. She grunted in return. We were there for awhile in that room until they announced it was time for the delivery room. In the delivery room there was tons of doctors and nurses. I was shuffled and jostled for what seemed like forever until I could find a position near her. She took my hand when they told her to push. I'm not sure who hurt worse then. She all but crushed the bones in my hand. A cry was heard and a red gooey blob was held up triumphantly by a doctor. I gagged. After drinking blood for 100 years I gagged at a birth. Go figure. "You want to cut the cord?" I looked at the doctor bewildered. Then at Buffy she waved her hand slightly and I cut it. "Your new baby boy." The doctor held it in front of Buffy for a fleeting moment before whisking it away for cleanup. "You knew it was a boy." I moved closer to her and stroked her flat sweat soaked hair. "You will be the best father to him won't you?" "The best." She smiled and closed her eyes. I waltzed out of delivery to the waiting room. "The baby is born. It's a little boy." "Has she named it yet? Is it named after her grandfather Joseph?" Mrs Summers asked. "No she hasn't named it. She's sleeping now. All I know is that it seems healthy and its pretty big." I left them with that news to get more. I scurried around until I found the nursery. I looked in on him. He was still pretty red with wisps of light blond hair. I tried to read the information. Something along the lines of 8 lbs. 0 oz. I was impressed that such a little thing could get that big fella out. "Which one's yours?" A rolling jolly man came over to me with cigars. I took the one offered and slipped it into my trousers pocket. "The little fella there. Doesn't have a name yet." "Fine looking boy. I had me a little girl. Cute little thing with black hair over there." I looked at it. It was kind of ugly but it would probably grow out of it. "Very nice." I said to the man. I was proud of Buff. She had made one of the best in the lot I wagered. "Want to go out for a smoke?" "Naw. I don't actually smoke. It's just what dads do. ‘We laughed. He would make a good father. At that moment I decided I would quit smoking. If I was going to raise Buffy's kid I would do it right. I didn't want to give it lung cancer or anything. I tossed the cigar away and continued looking at the babies. I got kind of sad. As much as I lied about being the kids father I would never be biologically. Is this how it is? All of us who love Buffy are cursed with horrible ironic situations. She was the greatest test the Gods could give us. I was sure of it. Angel, Riley, Me. We were all sucked into the Buffy world. The greatest pain comes with the greatest happiness I think. Some people go on big roller coasters and some settle for the merry-go-round never going very high or low. Thus ends Part 1 of my Story Part 2: the Makings of a Knight
