[Scene: Alyson’s house. She is lounging on the couch with a cat on her stomach. She sits up as her mother, Karen, enters the room.]
Aly: (to the cat) Well I’m not a chair, I move. (to Karen) Hi mom.
Karen: Hey honey. I just wanted to remind you to find plans for tomorrow.
Aly: Okay. Why?
Karen: Well, the movers are coming.
Aly: What movers?
Karen: To take my things to Amy’s house.
Aly: What? You never told me…
Karen: Yes, I did. I’m sure I did.
Aly: (thinking) You’re sure of a lot of things, being senile must be very relaxing. (out loud) You didn’t! I would remember that! Where am I supposed to go?
Karen: Oh, of course you can stay here.
Aly: Well. By myself?
Karen: You can take care of yourself, you’re twenty-two years old.
Aly: You sound like me. Mom…I can’t do this! I can’t live by myself, I’m not ready for that, not without preparing a little first –
Karen: Oh, come on. Internet all to yourself, no one ever using the phone, having friends over without having to ask first…
Aly: (starting to look placated) Okay, okay, but…oh, I just wish you’d told me.
Karen: I’m sorry, hon. These things happen.
Aly: Yeah.
[As her mother leaves she scoops up the cat and hugs it close, gazing out the window.]
[Scene: Alex is back from his final semester of college, he enters his house.]
Maude: (hugging him) Oh, darling you’re home!
Alex: Yeah, please don’t – (she ruffles his hair) – do that.
Maude: It’s so great to have you back! So…how was New York?
Alex: Great. Just like it has been every year.
Maude: Meet any girls?
Alex: No!
Maude: All right, no need to get defensive. (sees that he has set down his things and is heading out again) Where do you think you’re going?
Alex: Just wanted to go see my friends.
Maude: (giving him a Look) That can wait.
Alex: You know someday that look isn’t going to work.
Maude: Ha!
[Scene: Aly is in her room, it is piled with everything she owns. The door is opened and she is talking to one of the movers.]
Alyson: Yes, but you see you don’t need to take this stuff.
Mover: (in a Mexican accent) Order say…
Alyson: (losing her temper and doing the hand thing) I don’t care what the order says, this is my stuff!
Head Mover: (from another room) Pete, stop harassing the poor lady and get back to work!
Pete: (without the accent) Sorry, I’ll get right on it.
[Alyson closes the door and then opens it again and savagely slams it shut.]
Alyson: Ahh.
[Scene: Aly is over at the Desmonds’ house, lamenting about her lost mother.]
Aly: And it’s just not fair. I mean I know I get the house to myself and all that, but –
Dot: (sarcastically, as she has heard this already) She just should have told you. We know. Come on! Get happy!
Haley: Why are you always so happy?
Aly: Anyway, back to me. See, I like being alone, but it’s gonna be so boring in that house by myself all the time.
Haley: You were always saying you wanted a live-in boyfriend…
Aly: (winking at Dot) Oh yeah, I should just go down to Friendly’s… ‘Hey, Mark, (doing a ‘sexy’ pose seeing that Haley is in shock) wanna come over sometime? (making suggestive eyebrow movements) I got my own place.’
Dot: (sarcastically) Great idea.
Haley: (recovering) God, how could anyone date that guy? He’s so…
Aly: Immature?
Dot: Obnoxious?
Aly: Annoying?
Dot: Funny?
Aly: Sweet?
Haley: Ugh, he is not sweet.
Aly: (to Dot) I thought we were sticking with things she says.
Dot: Oh well, he is funny – remember that time when he was jumping around during the parade! God, that was so funny! (laughs)
[Haley shrugs, Dot and Aly roll their eyes.]
[Scene: Aly is walking home from the Desmonds’ when Alex drives by. He leans out the window to whistle at her, then brakes the car abruptly in shock.]
Alex: Oh my god! Is that you?
Aly: (amused) Alex?
Alex: Aly! Wow, you look…
Aly: I know, and (motioning to the line of beeping cars behind him) if you’re going to keep talking you’d better park.
Alex: (leaning out the window after parking) I can’t believe it’s really you! I haven’t seen you since…
Aly: (looking annoyed) The summer after our senior year, when you told my boyfriend that I was a virgin and didn’t even know what sex was.
Alex: Oh yeah! So how’d that turn out?
Aly: I broke up with him.
Alex: Oh?
Aly: Yeah, for believing you.
Alex: Then wouldn’t it be, that he broke up with you, because…
Aly: No, I broke up with him because anyone who believes you is an idiot.
Alex: And you don’t date idiots? Cause you sure had a huge crush on Colin when we were younger.
Aly: Yeah, well, he wasn’t that good.
Alex: What? You slept with him?
Aly: He’d just broken up with his girlfriend, I was between…relationships, if you will…so we just did it.
Alex: I’m getting the impression that you do this a lot.
Aly: When the need strikes me. (realizing what she said) I didn’t meant that the way it…anyway, so how’ve you been?
Alex: Good. I’m out of college, just got back, actually.
Aly: (singing softly to herself) Out of college, money spent, see no future, pay no rent, all the money’s –
Alex: What?
Aly: Nothing.
Alex: Well I’m glad to see you haven’t renounced any of your freakiness over the years.
Aly: I’m glad to see you still remember every bad thing that ever happened to me, and by the face you’re making you still remember that, and don’t bring it up.
Alex: I don’t know what you’re talking about.
Aly: (glancing towards her house) Well, I’d better be going. Looks like the moving truck is gone.
Alex: Moving truck? You’re moving?
Aly: No, my mom is. (fake happiness) House to myself!
Alex: Okay. Seeya.
[Scene: Audrey is over at Aly’s house, they are sitting on the bed together, Audrey is asking the 8-ball questions.]
Audrey: Am I prettier than Aly? (shakes it) It says yes!
Aly: (rolling her eyes) Uh-huh.
Audrey: Does everyone love me more than Aly? (shakes it) Without a doubt!
Aly: (grabbing the 8-ball from Audrey) Okay, do you have a thing for Audrey? (shakes it) It is certain!
Audrey: See, everybody loves me, baby.
Aly: That’s my line!
Audrey: Well, Don’s, technically.
Aly: Don McLean. You can’t call them by their first names.
Audrey: I’m sure Don would prefer to be called Don.
Aly: (lying back on the bed in exasperation) Whatever!
Audrey: Okay…what’s with you?
Alyson: Hmm?
Audrey: Come on, you’re all spacey-like.
Alyson: (making the peace symbol with one hand) Walkin’ in space baby, walkin’ in space.
Audrey: Now you’re stealing my lines! What’s wrong?
Alyson: Okay, I was walking back from the Desmonds’ yesterday, and guess who I ran into?
Audrey: Um, who?
Alyson: Alex.
Audrey: Chipmunk Alex or Kiss Alex?
Alyson: Ew! Chipmunk! Although he does not look like a chipmunk!
Audrey: Yeah, I know, I could tell who you were talking about all the time.
Alyson: What?
Audrey: Well, you were glow-y.
Alyson: So why didn’t you say him when I said guess who?
Audrey: I dunno.
Alyson: (rolling her eyes) Okay…anyway, he is so hot!
Audrey: (good-naturedly) Here we go again.
Alyson: Yeah, yeah. I should stop talking about him, or it’ll get worse.
Audrey: Ten bucks says you’ll bring him up again within an hour.
Alyson: The sad thing is, I don’t trust myself enough to make that bet.
[They are talking on the phone later that night.]
Alyson: …so now I’ve got this whole empty house to myself, and it’s just terrible! What am I going to do with a house this big?
Audrey: (pacing around in her own house) Um…throw great parties? Invite your friends to move in with you?
Alyson: What, you?
Audrey: Yeah, what’s wrong with me?
Alyson: Nothing, it’s just that we can’t be together for more than five minutes without having a fight.
Audrey: Yes we can, this conversation’s been at least ten and – oh.
Alyson: Yeah.
Audrey: But come on! Get the Desmonds too!
Alyson: (sighing) Well, you can come. Bring as much furniture as you can carry and that your parents won’t notice.
[Scene: Aly is sitting on her front steps the next morning, waiting for Audrey. Alex’s car pulls up.]
Alex: (getting out of the car) Hey.
Aly: Oh, you.
Alex: Look, I brought you flowers. (holds out some roses) Housewarming and all.
Alyson: (taking them) Wow. Although since I’m not living in a new house…would you care to come in?
[Alex nods and she leads him inside. She sits down on the bare floor and motions hi to join her.]
Alex: (looking around) Were you ripped off or something?
Alyson: No, but mom thinks that I should be the one to pay for new furniture.
Alex: You have this whole house to yourself! That’s great!
Alyson: Yeah, but Audrey’s moving in.
Alex: Typical of you to sound so upset about the prospect of living with your best friend.
Alyson: She can get annoying…much like you.
Alex: Hey! I just gave you roses! You should be nice.
Alyson: (smelling them) They are nice.
Alex: Yeah, my mom got ‘em from some guy at work she hates.
Alyson: You pathetic weasel!
Alex: Thanks. So anyway, how much room is there in this house?
Alyson: A lot.
Alex: Ah, well then, I don’t suppose you’d have room for an old friend who needed a place to stay?
Alyson: If we’re talking about you…we’re not friends!
Alex: Oh no. Just someone. He’s having trouble with his mother. You know him.
Alyson: So tell me who it is!
Alex: Okay, it is me. (sighs as she glares at him) Well…please?
Alyson: No!
Alex: Why not?
Alyson: Because I hate you.
Alex: Okay. Well, how bout if you do let me live here, I promise never to bring it up again.
Alyson: (bristling) I told you not to mention that!
Alex: Well…
Alyson: God!
Alex: Whoa! Don’t get mad and start doing that hand thing to me!
Alyson: (doing the hand thing) Shut up!
Alex: Hmm…maybe I do remember everything.
Alyson: Arrrgh – okay, fine. Move in. But you don’t bring that up.
Alex: Nope. Alyson: And stay away from me as much as possible. And don’t hit on my friends. And don’t tell my boyfriends anything about me!
Alex: (doing the “scouts honor” thing) I promise.
Alyson: Okay. Come on in, you can pick a room.
[Cut to a few minutes later, they are on the third floor.]
Alyson: Okay, how ‘bout the third room?
Alex: The what?
Alyson: The third room, it’s what I called it when I was little. When I was bad my parents would threaten to send me here.
Alex: Well, I suppose “third room” sounds more threatening than “the upstairs bedroom…”
Alyson: Scared me silly.
Alex: Well, that doesn’t make sense, because as I recall you never actually behaved yourself, and if they knew that thing about Colin then, well…
Alyson: (shrugging) They can’t do much to me. Now that the only TV in the house is mine…
Alex: You are so sad. Why didn’t they just keep you from going out?
Alyson: I never went out.
Alex: Oh right. See, I’ve been staring at your ass and I forgot that we’re talking about you.
Alyson: (turning) What?
Alex: (shrugging) I didn’t promise anything about that!
Alyson: (glaring at him, of course) Well, please…
Alex: (smiling) So, show me the room.
Alyson: (making sure she faces him) This is the closet. This is the worn-out rug. These are the windows. (notices that he’s staring at her breasts instead) Cut it out!
Alex: (looking at her) What are you, phrase-lagged? “Cut it out?”
Alyson: That’s not the point!
Alex: Yeah, but what do you care? You just said you like to sleep around.
Alyson: Not with you.
Alex: Okay, fine. Whatever. So, is there a bed in here?
Alyson: No!
Alex: (laughing) Ooo, you’re getting all pink.
Alyson: (looking down) What I meant to say was, no, there is no furniture,
Mom took it all. Bring your own goddamned bed.
Alex: (taken aback) Okay, okay! Sorry!
Alyson: Oh…one more thing. I’ll probably have someone staying in the room below this, so keep it down. (leaves)
[Alex sighs, goes to sit on the bed, grimaces and sits on the floor. Aly, after closing the door, stands outside it with her face in her hands.]
Aly: (mouthing) Dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb!
[Scene: Audrey is moving into her new room at Aly’s.]
Alyson: Okay, the lava lamp is cool, but if you put up that “Clockwork Orange” poster up I’m kicking you out.
Audrey: (laughing) Okay, but can I put Bob up here?
Alyson: (glancing at the poster) Yes, you may put Bob Dylan up there.
Audrey: (tacking the poster up) Sorry about her, Bob.
Alyson: For the last time…it’s Dylan!
Audrey: Like you know what he wants. (kisses the poster)