Written by Bastet
Scene – Aly and Dot are playing an extremely fast card game on the “war” couch.
Aly: (as she slaps the smaller pile) HA! I win! I win! Oh, glorious victory! (bows to an imaginary crowd) Thank you, thank you.
Dot: You did only win that round, and I’m putting on American Pie now, so you can kiss your small lead goodbye. (puts the CD in a player next to the couch)
Aly: Damn you!
They begin playing again, faster as the song comes on.
Dot: (yells as Aly comes down hard on her hand) Ow! You bitch! I hate you!
Aly: (yells back) Not as much as I hate you…you…ARG!
Dot: (sings triumphantly along with the CD) This’ll be the day that you die…
Aly: Shut up!
Cut to where Haley and Audrey are in the kitchen, making sandwiches.
Audrey: What the hell are they doing in there?
Haley: American Pie…loud yelling…lots of swears…they must be playing Spit!
Audrey: Of course. Silly me.
Back to the couch –
Dot: I win! I win! I win!
Aly: (sulkily) You are such a spoiled child. You win, what, like, every time?
Audrey: (walking in with Haley) You know, Aly, that really doesn’t make you sound good.
Haley: Really.
Dot: (getting up and dancing) I am the Spit Queen – Koo koo ka choo!
Alex: (from the dining room) Is there something I should know about?
Aly: (quickly) NO! Nothing at all!
Dot: Yes there is!
Aly: No no no there is not!
Audrey: And I thought I was pathetic.
Aly: (still sulking) I’m going upstairs.
Scene – Alex is sitting in his new room with a few friends – namely Mark, Colin, and Tom.
Tom: Nice place. (eyes the carpet warily)
Colin: So, who else lives here besides Aly? And don’t tell me it’s just the two of you, because that is NEVER going to happen. (They sit down on the floor, except for Alex who lounges on the bed.)
Alex: (sarcastically) And you know her so well, Mr. He-Wasn’t-That-Good.
Colin: She said that??
Mark: (cracking up) I like that girl.
Colin: (smacking his arm) You would. You always like the weird ones.
Tom: Who’re you to talk? You’re the one who screwed her.
Mark starts laughing harder.
Alex: (changing the subject hastily) And guess who else lives here…
Tom: Who?
Colin: (glaring at Mark) Yeah, who?
Alex: (smugly) Audrey, Dot, and…Haley.
Mark stops laughing suddenly.
Tom: You’re kidding me! How can you stand it?
Colin: I know! Five minutes with any of them is all I can take.
Tom: I mean, how can you stand living with all girls? And have you seen any of them naked?
Alex: Don’t be so immature…(makes a disappointed face) Nah. But if you wanna see one of them mad… (presses the intercom button on the wall and talks into it) Hey, Aly!
A pause.
Aly: (from the speaker, sounding annoyed) What now?
Alex: Come up here for a minute.
Aly: Why, exactly?
Alex: (smirking) I have a…surprise for you.
Aly: Tough. I was in the middle of a game of Spit, I almost beat Dot for like the first time ever, and Buffy is on in ten minutes.
Tom: (in an undertone to Colin) Really, how could you have gone through with it?
Colin: Fuck off.
Alex: It’ll be quick, I promise.
Aly: Fine.
Tom: And the point of this is?
Alex: I just like to mess with her head.
Tom: (raising an eyebrow) You gonna…
Alex: (shrugs) Nah…it’s just fun…
Aly opens the door without knocking and surveys Alex’s guests. Tom grins at her, Colin refuses to look at her, and Mark smiles warmly.
Aly: Oh. I see you have company. Hey Mark! How’s Ian?
Mark: He’s good…I believe he said something about stabbing you with a fork, but that was just big talk.
Aly: I know. Deep, deep down inside, I’m sure he’s very sweet. (nods) Colin, Tom. (chokes on a laugh as she catches Alex’s eye) So what do you want, anyway?
Alex: Just wondering if Haley was home.
Aly: (glances quickly at Mark and then back at Alex) And you couldn’t just call her on the intercom?
Alex: Nope.
Aly: She wouldn’t’ve come anyway…She’s here. Busy, though.
Alex: Doing what?
Aly: Painting something in her room, I believe. Anyway, she’s busy.
Alex: So…Buffy, huh?
Aly: (rolling her eyes) Seeya. (starts out the door again)
Alex: Hey! Could you get me a beer or something while you’re down there?
Aly gives him a look.
Tom: Then could you get me one?
She leaves, ignoring him.
Colin: Man, what a bitch.
Mark: (stubbornly) I like her.
Alex: Annoying, but she has her uses.
Tom: Well…I’m starved. Let’s go to Friendly’s.
Cut to the guys leaving the house at the same time as the girls.
Alex: Where’re you going?
Audrey: Friendly’s. You, Chipmunk Boy?
Tom: Uh, same.
Aly: If you didn’t have a waiter with you, you wouldn’t even have a case – seeing as we own that place…but since you do…
Alex: (smiling evilly) Well, this’ll be fun!
Aly: (glaring at him repressively) Yeah, we can not sit together!
Dot: (looking at Aly) I’m driving.
Scene – Friendly’s. The girls are sitting at one table; Dot and Aly are playing Spit. At another table the guys are talking to Ian.
Alex: Why, exactly, did Aly claim to “own” this restaurant?
Ian: Because she’s an arrogant little…(makes a frustrated sound) God, I hate her!
Alex: Well, her damaging effect on the psyche is very recognizable…
Colin: Psyche?
Alex: (giving him a look) Never mind.
Ian: (still fuming) Well, I’ll be right back with your food.
Tom: But you didn’t even –
Ian: (embarrassed) Oh yeah. Hold on. (takes out a pad and starts writing down their orders as there is a cut to the girls’ table)
Aly: (as angry as Ian) I can’t believe they would have the nerve to come to our restaurant!
Audrey: I KNOW!
Haley: You guys are so immature.
They both look annoyed.
Dot: (intervening hastily) So, Aly…wanna play some Spit?
Audrey: You are not playing cards in a restaurant.
Aly: Like you could stop us. (Ian walks up to their table, still frowning) Well, hello, Mr. Merry Sunshine. No date tonight?
Ian: Very funny. Do you know those guys over there?
Dot: Well, I don’t really. But Haley knows Mark.
Haley: I hate him! He’s so annoying!
Aly: Uh-huh. Anyway, yes, we do. Curly lives with us, Colin’s my ex and Tom is…
Audrey: Colin’s lover!
Aly: (the same way as Ian) Oh, very funny.
Ian: Why am I not surprised that you turned a guy gay?
Haley: Could we please order? Like, now?
Aly: Okay, I did not turn him gay, he’s not gay, I saw him staring at Audrey’s chest earlier, and Haley! Shame on you for interrupting our perfectly good argument!
Audrey: He was WHAT???? EWWWW…
Haley: (whining) I’m hungry!
Ian: (unimpressed) So go sit with Mark.
Haley: WHAT?
Dot: Good one.
Aly: (suddenly perking up) You know what I haven’t seen in awhile? That TV movie Merlin.
Audrey: Yeah, let’s watch that when we get back!
Ian: Dear God.
Dot: …It’s me, Margaret.
Ian: Okay, I know what you want so I’ll just skeddadle on over to the kitchen to make sure someone pours arsenic in your food.
He leaves. The girls look at each other.
All: SKEDDADDLE?
Audrey: Actually, I thought it was cool.
Aly: You would.
Audrey: (proudly) I know!
Later, Ian gives the guys their food. He seems slightly more calm.
Ian: So, how long have you known them?
Colin: Who?
Ian: Jesus, you’re worse than her friend…
Alex: I’ve known Aly since I was young enough to not even notice girls…and man, that was a long time ago.
Colin: Oh…her! Yeah. She’s annoying.
Ian looks at Tom.
Tom: She’s okay.
Ian: OKAY???? The girl is a bloodsucking bitch!
Alex: Bloodsucking? Really…
Tom: She’s not that bad, what are you so worked up about?
Ian: (storming off) AUGH!!!!
Alex: My, my.
Cut to the Ian giving the girls their food.
Aly: (tasting a French fry) Could this be more greasy? (takes a sip of her soda) And this is PEPSI! Ian, what is wrong with you?
Ian: (deadpan) I’m having a bad day.
Audrey: So, what were you talking to Chipmunk Boy about? (off his blank look) Curly!
Ian: Oh. Just trading evil Aly stories.
Dot: Oh! The best kind…
Aly: And what evil Aly stories did he have to share?
Ian: Nothing really…
Aly: Uh-huh.
Haley: (motioning to her salad) What did you do to these tomatoes?
Ian: (glaring at her) I’m sorry, are they not good enough for you?
Aly: What is your problem?
Ian: Like I said, bad day. (leaves)
Audrey: God, what’s his childhood trauma?
Aly: Isn’t that from Buffy?
Audrey: Yeah.
Haley: God!
Scene – Aly’s paying the bill to a waitress, whose tag says “Heather.”
Heather: (looking puzzled) Have I seen you before?
Aly: Yeah…you were our waitress last week.
Heather: Oh, that’s right! That’s what I thought, but then I wondered why someone would come here every week…
Aly: It’s a mystery to me… (in a fake, waitressy voice) have a nice day.
Scene – Aly and Audrey are in Audrey’s room, eating popcorn.
Aly: Ugh, what a day.
Audrey: Yeah…for you, anyway. For me it was kinda dull, except the Ian thing was pretty funny.
Aly: Remind me to pound Alex at some point for…inviting my ex over here, being obnoxious to me, and going to MY restaurant…
Audrey: Oh, you know you want to pound him…
Aly: Ugh! Well, yeah, but I’d rather not talk about it where I might be overheard.
Dot walks in.
Audrey: Hey.
Dot: My god, she will just not shut up! ‘He’s so annoying…’ ‘I can’t believe he was here…’ Ooooh! I wanted to kill her.
Aly: I know the feeling.
Someone knocks.
Alex: (from outside) Hey, do I smell popcorn in there?
Audrey: Are your friends gone?
Alex: Yeah.
Audrey: Then yes, we do. Never bring them here again.
Alex: (walks in and sits on the bed, Audrey grimaces, he takes a handful of popcorn) So, how’s everything?
Aly: Wow…It’s amazing how sincere you sound. (pokes his head) That implant works pretty well!
Dot: You are so weird.
Aly: Duh.
Alex: Double duh.
Aly: Shut up.
Alex: No.
There’s another knock.
Audrey: (with a pointed look at Aly) Is someone pounding on the door?
Aly: (glaring at her) Shut up. Come in!
Mark comes in.
Audrey: What are you still doing here?
Mark: Got bored. Is –
All: No.
Aly: She had an art class or something. Here, have some popcorn.
Mark: (sitting down on the bed) So, did Ian ever get a grip?
Audrey: Nah, and I think I saw smoke coming out of his ears after Aly sent back her soda…
Aly: (indignantly) I don’t drink Pepsi!
Alex: You are weird.
Aly: And you’re not?
Alex: Be quiet and let me enjoy the popcorn.
She rolls her eyes and gives up.
Mark: (sighing) God, what a day.
Aly: No kidding.
Mark: So when’s Haley getting home?
Aly: (rolling her eyes) An hour, I don’t know.
Dot: (sarcastically) She takes her art very seriously.
Alex: (to Mark) No offense, man, but has that chick ever actually had a date?
Aly: Oh shut up, you.
Alex: So now I’m you?
Audrey: Just be thankful you’re not “It.”
Alex: “It”?
Audrey: Yeah, that’s what Ian called Aly when she was in junior high.
Aly: That loser!
Alex: And this coming from “It…”
Dot: Okay, okay! Hey, I think Haley gets home in like fifteen minutes.
Mark: Really?
Aly: (shaking her head) I’m going to bed.
Alex: (grinning) Mind if I join you?
Aly: (standing and glaring at him) I thought we discussed this.
Audrey: This is getting annoying.
The phone rings.
Dot: (looking irritated) Can’t you get that, Aly?
Aly: (still glaring at Alex) No.
Haley: (walking in) Phone for you, Aly. (does a double take when she sees Mark) Uh…
Mark: Hi!
Haley: Hi.
Dot: Well…um…Aly, aren’t you going to get the phone?
Aly: I’m going, I’m going. (she takes the phone) Yeah? (she listens for a second and then leaves the room and you can hear her voice outside, sounding remarkably soft) Oh, hi.
Alex: I guess this means I’d better stay out of her bed.
Haley makes a face.
Audrey: Yeah, considering she’ll be talking on the phone all night.
Dot: Dimitri?
Audrey: Dimitri.
Alex: Who?
Audrey: I’m tired. Get lost, Curly.
Alex gets up and leaves without argument.
Haley looks at Mark.
Mark: What?
Haley: What are you doing here?
Dot: Oh, here we go again.
Audrey: (whining) Can you please leave? I’m tiiiired.
Mark: Uh, yeah. Just going.
Dot: Night.
Haley: Night.
They leave, you can hear Haley slamming her door in another part of the house. Dot walks downstairs to find Aly sitting on the couch, looking depressed.
Aly: Eight years. Eight fucking years and he’s getting engaged to some girl with innocent eyes named * Megan *, for Christ’s sake.
Dot: I’m sorry.
Aly: This sucks.
Dot: So, wanna play some Spit?
Aly: Sure!
Cut to Alex, sitting up suddenly as the strains of American Pie reach him.
Alex: I am going to kill her.