Written by Bastet
Shot of Aly waking up and smiling broadly.
Aly: It’s going to be a good day. I can just tell.
There’s the faint sound of an evil laugh.
Cut to Alex, rolling over in his sleep. Beside him is a girl (duh-duh!).
Later, Dot is downstairs making breakfast.
Aly: (walking in, smiling sunnily) Good morning!
Dot: Oh, shut up.
Aly: Come on, put on a happy face and all that! Practice what you preach!
Dot: No. And in case you hadn’t heard yet, which I don’t think you have because “blissfully unaware” is written all over you, Alex brought some girl home last night.
Aly: (her smile melts) Oh. Um, who was it?
Dot: I think she was in your grade in school…Ee-something.
Aly: Great. That helps. (she sits down at the table, looking absolutely miserable)
Audrey: (bouncing into the room) Hi!
Aly: Oh, shut up.
Audrey: What the hell is your problem? Oh, the Alex and Maura thing.
Dot: Oh, Maura. That was it.
Aly: That has “ee” nowhere in it!
Audrey: Well, you don’t need to take it out on me.
Aly: (closing her eyes) I should just go back to bed.
Audrey: Grouch.
Aly: You’re not helping.
Audrey: Whatever. Hey, is that Count Chocula? I * love * Count Chocula!
Aly: Yeah, bed sounds good. Or shower.
Cut to her storming out of the bathroom five minutes later. Maura is now sitting at the breakfast table along with Audrey, Haley, and Dot.
Aly: Who the hell used up all the hot water?
Haley: Oh…well, I took a shower, but it wasn’t that long.
Maura: Hi, Aly. Nice to see you too.
Aly: Not at all. (she goes back into the bathroom, apparently to wait for the hot water to come back)
Alex walks in.
Maura: Hey.
Alex: Good morning to all.
Audrey: (whispering to Dot) Oh no. He’s cheerful. This is gonna suck.
Haley: (loudly) What?
Dot and Audrey give her Looks.
Alex walks over and leans on Maura’s chair.
Alex: What is this, the Breakfast Club?
Audrey: Very funny…there is * no * breakfast in that movie.
Alex: My mistake.
Audrey: And anyway, we don’t have an athlete, a basket case, or a princess. Alex, you’re the criminal, and Haley’s a brain.
Alex: Are you aware that sound is still coming out of your mouth? And hey, if we need a basket case, just call Aly.
Aly: (yelling through the bathroom door) I HEARD THAT!
Alex: (starting slightly) That was weird. Why – never mind, I’d probably rather not know.
Maura: (looking him with a slight pout) Aren’t you even going to talk to me?
Alex: Oh, I remember that about you. Always needing attention. No, I’m not…
Dot: (quickly) Yeah, Maura, it’s probably better if you go because we do housecleaning Saturday mornings and it can get messy.
Audrey: Housecleaning messy? That doesn’t make sense.
Alex: In your case, it’s crystal clear.
Maura: (standing up, glaring at everyone) Well, goodbye.
She leaves and they all glare at Alex.
Alex: What?
Audrey: You are such a – a – cheeseball!
Alex: * What? *
Dot: A sleaze. A jerk. A male slut…need I go on?
Alex: Oh, that. Yeah. Bad habit.
They all roll their eyes.
Aly: (from the bathroom) Yes! Hot water!
Alex sits down, shaking his head.
Cut to the next scene – Mark and Ian are talking together outside Friendly’s.
Ian: Man, I hate this job.
Mark: You’ve worked here for five years. Why don’t you just quit?
Ian: I hate it, but I have an attachment to it.
Mark: Which would be…you’re addicted to the smell of frying grease?
Ian: Yeah, you’re a riot.
Mark: It’s not bad.
Ian: You’re only just past being a trainee. Don’t push your luck.
Cut to Aly, talking on the phone.
Aly: Well, yeah…No…No! Not a chance! There’s a call on the other line, hold on. (she presses a button) Oh, hi Mom. I’m fine, you? Good…Great. Thanks. (presses the button again) Hey, Dimi? No! That’s just…God…God! I don’t believe you would even have the nerve…Goodbye! (she slams the phone down and turns around to see Alex smirking at her)
Alex: Having a bad day, are we?
Aly: Nothing I want to discuss with you.
Alex: Oh? Who * is * Dimi, anyway? I keep hearing about him…
Aly: Shut up, and then go to hell.
Alex: Whoa! Someone needs a Midol…
Aly: Go away!
Alex: Why don’t you?
Aly: I don’t know…(she grabs her purse and opens the door) There! Now I’m going!
Alex: (as she slams the door) Have a nice storming-out!
Cut to Aly walking angrily across the street in front of Friendly’s. A car drives towards her and slams on the brakes as she walks right in front of it. She reaches the sidewalk and sees Ian and Mark sitting there, glares at them, and starts to walk away.
Ian: (jumping up and walking after her) What are you on? That was spacey even for you.
Aly: Okay. Go away.
Ian: Oh right. I’m sorry, I must have mistaken you for the * good * Aly. Go right ahead. (she does) Are you crying?
Aly: No, I’m just allergic to (she glances back) pink!
Ian: (glances down at his pink shirt) Nothing you haven’t seen before. You * are * crying, aren’t you.
Aly: (sarcastically) Wow, you really are a lot smarter than you look.
Ian: Thank you. Now…what could have happened to make you cry? They changed the menu at Friendly’s again? They stopped showing reruns of Dawson’s Creek on the WB?
Aly: Shut up! (cries harder and keeps walking – he follows her)
Ian: My curiosity is now…come on, I have to know why!
Aly: Don’t you have * work * to do?
Ian: Yes, but this is far more interesting.
Aly: (heading towards the library) Well, I’m going into the library where you can’t yell at me!
Ian: (still following her, mutters to himself) That doesn’t mean I can’t mock her.
Cut to Aly standing between two bookshelves. Ian walks in after her.
Aly: (still crying) Go * away! *
Ian: Oh, come on. Just tell me what’s wrong and all that sappy stuff.
Aly: (hisses) No! Get lost!
Ian: (thinking) Oh, man. This really sucks. I don’t like seeing people cry. Although Aly…not exactly human. More devil-child than anything else. But she looks so sad! I should at least hug her…YECH! Maybe not…I can’t just leave her here like this…
Aly covers her face in her hands and turns her back to him.
Ian: Damnit!
He steps closer, tentatively. Aly sees what he’s doing and steps away. They repeat this until she is backed against a wall. She tries to dodge past him and he puts his arm out.
Aly: Okay, fine, you have me cornered, now can you hurry up and make fun of me?
Ian: Wow. Bad day, huh?
Aly: (relaxing a little) Yeah.
Ian: It’s only noon…who knows what the rest of the day could have in store?
Aly: More bad stuff. Trust me. Horrible tortures. The gods don’t like me today.
Ian: Well, you could stand to be a little nicer…(sees her face) but I’m sure it’s just a bad day! It’ll be over in…(counts in his head for a second) twelve hours!
Aly: And then another bad day can begin.
Ian: Now that is just pathetically pessimistic. (he puts a hand on her shoulder) It’s not always bad.
Aly: I know…(leans a little closer to Ian) But…it’s been * such * a bad day…
Ian: (looking uncomfortable) Yeah.
Aly: I mean, it’s just one of those things where I want to rip someone’s throat out (makes motions in the air) – you know?
Ian: (looking even more panicked as her action has brought her even closer to him) Uh-huh.
Aly: (sniffling slightly) It’s just (she leans her head on his shoulder) sometimes you need someone…
Ian: (making a horrible face, as she can’t see him) I know. (awkwardly pats her back and then flinches as she puts her arms around his waist)
Aly sighs. He stares at her impatiently and then his face softens as she snuggles closer to him. He smiles slightly, then apparently realizes himself and makes another disgusted face.
Aly: (pulling away) Well, thanks. I don’t get hugs that often.
Ian: Somehow I’m not surprised.
Aly: I’m going now.
Ian: Okay. Me too.
She leaves and he pinches the bridge of his nose in that I-have-such-a-headache way.
Cut to Aly talking to Audrey in the living room.
Audrey: So, what was all that phone screaming about earlier? Alex told us…
Aly: Of course. Well, first Dimi called.
Audrey: Yeah?
Aly: And – get this – he wants me to go to the wedding.
Audrey: WHAT?
Aly: I know, right? And it just makes me feel even worse about falling for the jerk in the first place. So then I get another call, while I’m in the middle of chewing him out, and it’s my mom. * Warning * me that the electricity bill is due * tomorrow. * And I’m like, thanks!
Audrey: Man, that sucks. So then what happened?
Cut to Ian and Mark.
Ian: So then I hugged her. What else could I do? And she’s, like, snuggling up to me, oblivious to the fact that I’m (makes the face he was making earlier) like that.
Mark: She can be pretty clueless.
Cut to Aly and Audrey:
Aly: So then he hugged me. And you know, the thing that stopped me from being miserable wasn’t that. It was that I * knew * he hated every second of it as much as I did…but was actually too nice to say anything!
Audrey: (laughing) Oh, that is beautiful!
Cut to Mark.
Mark: So what, does she like you now?
Cut to Aly, shuddering.
Aly: God, I hate that guy!
Cut to Ian, doing the exact same shudder.
Ian: I hope not.
Scene – Tom, Dot, and Alex are in his room.
Dot: I don’t know why I’m here.
Alex: Neither do I.
Tom: It’s okay, the more the merrier and all that.
Dot: Yeah!
Alex: (to Dot) So, did Aly ever get back, or did she just throw herself under a bus?
Tom: You say that almost as if you care… Alex: I did feel a twinge of guilt earlier – but it could have just been that stale Count Chocula I had this morning.
Dot: Yeah, I’m glad I stuck with the toast. Aly just got back awhile ago…she and Aud are talking. She seemed cheerful.
Tom: What exactly happened over here, anyway?
Alex: (smiling) Well, I’m guessing she was at least partly upset over my…thing with Maura…
Dot: Wow, you must have an ego the size of…something…wait a second…it’ll come to me…
Alex: I resemble that remark! But come on, you know she likes me.
Dot: It’s on the tip of my tongue…
Tom: The Canadian Province of New Brunswick?
Dot: That’ll do. Alex, you have an ego the size of the Candadian Province of New Brunswick.
Alex: (rolling his eyes) And your point is? She * does * like me.
Tom: I’m now going with something the size of the Northwest Territory.
Static comes from the intercom.
Aly: Alex?
Alex: (pressing the “Talk” button) What?
Aly: I’m sure you’re not sorry for driving me out of my own home earlier, and I just wanted to let you know that I don’t care…who else is up there?
Dot: I am!
Tom: Me too.
Aly: Dot, get down here! I have the most evil story to tell you!
Alex: That sounds good.
Aly: Not you…
Dot: Okay, I’ll be right there. (she gets up and goes down the stairs)
Tom: Oh yeah. She wants you.
Alex: She does.
Tom: Uh-huh.
Alex shakes his head as there is a cut to the next scene, where he, Tom, Aly, Dot, and Audrey are eating at Friendly’s.
Alex: (looking through the menu) This stuff sucks. Why do you eat here so much?
Aly: (who is seated on his right, as he is at the head of the table) Old habits die hard.
Mark: (walking up to the table) Hey. Where’s –
Everyone else: She’s not here.
Mark: Oh. Um, okay…what do you guys want to eat?
Audrey: (rolling her eyes) I can’t believe you don’t know this yet. Although of course it took Ian three years to remember.
Tom: Don’t mind them. They’re cranky when they haven’t been fed.
Dot laughs.
Mark: Okay, so what can I get for you today?
Alex: Hmm…I’ll have the cheese quesadillas.
Audrey: You’ll regret it. If you live to.
Alex: I’m not listening to you…
Audrey: Fine by me.
Aly: Okay, I’ll be having a large order of fries and a Coke, Audrey wants a conehead and a Coke, Dot’ll be getting a large chicken platter and a salad and a Coke, and…you (looks at Tom)?
Mark: You should be the one working here.
Aly: Me? Work?
Tom: I’ll just have a Pe – (sees everyone glaring at him) A Coke. I’d like a Coke.
Mark: Al? What do you want to drink?
Audrey: (moaning and laying her head down on the table) No! Not ‘Al!’
Mark: Uh…did I say something wrong?
Aly: She’ll be okay in a minute. We forgot to give her her medication this morning.
Audrey: (sitting up and glaring) Shut up.
Alex: I'll have a COKE too.
Mark: So, okay. I’ll be back in a minute with your food.
Cut to later, Aly’s paying the bill with Alex while the others wait outside. She waits at the cash register for a minute until Ian walks up.
Aly: Hey. (hands him the check and some money)
Ian: Hi. Um…how was your – your food?
Aly: (looking out the window absently) It was good.
Alex: Can we hurry up?
Aly: Oh, shut up.
Ian smiles.
Alex: No. Did you know that there’s a certain island on the coast of California where fourteen percent of the female seagulls are gay?
Aly: They must have trouble getting teaching jobs.
Ian: (looking confused) Uh…
Aly: It’s from this Ellen Conford book…though why * he * read it I don’t know.
Alex: It was funny!
Aly: You are so odd.
Ian: Out of thirty – ninety-eight cents is your change.
Aly: Thank you.
Ian: Thank you. Have a nice day.
Aly: (smiling) I will.
She leaves with Alex.
Episode Five-Mangled Shakespeare