HOW TO WRITE YOUR THESIS PAPER
As a college grad I find this funny as hell...
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Scene: It's a fine beautiful day in the forest; and a rabbit is sitting outside his burrow, typing away on his lap top.

Along comes a fox, out for a walk.

Fox: "What are you working on?"
Rabbit: "My Thesis paper to graduate from University."
Fox: "Hmmmmm. What is it about?"
Rabbit: "Oh, I'm writing about how rabbits eat foxes."
(There is an incredulous pause)
Fox: "That's ridiculous! Any fool knows that rabbits don't eat foxes!"
Rabbit: "Come with me and I'll show you!"
They both disappear into the rabbit's burrow. After a few minutes, gnawing on a fox bone, the rabbit returns to his lap top and resumes typing. Soon a wolf comes along and stops to watch the hard working rabbit.

(Tippy-tap, tippy-tap, tippy-tippy-tap)

Wolf: "What's that you are writing?"
Rabbit: "I'm doing a thesis on how rabbits eats wolves."
(loud guffaws)
Wolf: "You don't expect to get such garbage published, do you?"
Rabbit: "No problem. Do you want to see why?"
The rabbit and the wolf go into the burrow, and again the rabbit returns by himself. This time he is patting his stomach. He goes back to his typing.

(Tippy-tap, tippy-tap, tippy-tippy-tap)

Finally a bear comes along and asks,
Bear: "What are you doing?"
Rabbit: "I'm doing a thesis on how rabbits eats bears."
Bear: "Well that's absurd!"
Rabbit: "Come into my home and I'll show you."
SCENE: Inside the rabbit's burrow. In one corner, there is a pile of fox bones. In another corner is a pile of wolf bones. On the other side of the room a huge lion is belching and picking his teeth.

THE MORAL OF THE STORY:
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It doesn't matter what you choose for a thesis topic.
It doesn't matter what you use for your data.
It doesn't even matter if your topic makes sense.
What matters is who you have for a thesis advisor.

Subject: Things Men Need To Know

1. The reason our bras don't always match our underwear is because WE actually CHANGE our underwear.

2. The next time you and your buddies joke about armed women in combat, take a poll to see which of you successfully aim at the toilet bowl.

3. If we're watching football with you, it's not bonding. We're watching because of the butts.

4. If the truth hurts, ask us those ego-sensitive questions on your payday.

5. Whenever possible, please try to say whatever you have to say after the movie.

6. Don't fret if you find out that the postman delivers more than once a day.

7. Please don't drive when you're not driving.

8. Lay off the beans several hours before bedtime.

9. Our bedtime headaches are inversely proportional to the number of baths that you take.

10. If you were really looking for an honest answer you wouldn't ask in bed.

11. The next time you joke about female drivers, research the number of accidents caused by rubbernecking at miniskirts.

12. If only women gossip, how do you and your buddies keep track of "who's easy?"

13. Stop telling us that most male strippers are gay: WE DON'T CARE!

14. Start parting and combing your hair to one side early in life: You'll never see the island coming.

15. Have a strong need for male bonding? Visit your proctologist.

16. Your contributions to your child should go above and beyond that chromosome you unselfishly sacrificed.

17. Eye contact is best established above our shoulder level.

This was an actual letter from and a reply to the Michigan Department of Environmental Quality, State of Michigan:
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Mr. Ryan DeVries
2088 Dagget
Pierson, MI 49339
Dear Mr. DeVries:
SUBJECT: DEQ File No. 97-59-0023-1 T11N, R10W, Sec. 20, Montcalm County

It has come to the attention of the Department of Environmental Quality that there has been recent unauthorized activity on the above-referenced parcel of property. You have been certified as the legal landowner and/or contractor who did the following unauthorized activity: Construction and maintenance of two wood debris dams across the outlet stream of Spring Pond. A permit must be issued prior to the start of this type of activity. A review of the Department's files shows that no permits have been issued.

Therefore, the Department has determined that this activity is in violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource and Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994, being sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Michigan Compiled Laws, annotated.

The Department has been informed that one or both of the dams partially failed during a recent rain event, causing debris and flooding at downstream locations. We find that dams of this nature are inherently hazardous and cannot be permitted.

The Department therefore orders you to cease and desist all unauthorized activities at this location, and to restore the stream to a free-flow condition by removing all wood and brush forming the dams from the stream channel. All restoration work shall be completed no later than January 31.1998.

Please notify this office when the restoration has been completed so that a follow-up site inspection may be scheduled by our staff. Failure to comply with this request or any further unauthorized activity on the site may result in this case being referred for elevated enforcement action.

We anticipate and would appreciate your full cooperation in this matter. Please feel free to contact me at this office if you have any questions. Sincerely,
David L. Price
District Representative Land and Water Management Division
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RESPONSE
Dear Mr. Price:

Re: DEQ File No. 97-59-0023; T11N, R10W, Sec 20;
Montcalm County

Your certified letter dated 12/17/97 has been handed to me to respond to. You sent out a great deal of carbon copies to a lot of people, but you neglected to include their addresses. You will, therefore, have to send them a copy of my response.

First of all, Mr. Ryan DeVries is not the legal landowner and/or contractor at 2088 Dagget, Pierson, Michigan - I am the legal owner and a couple of beavers are in the (State unauthorized) process of constructing and maintaining two wood "debris" dams across the outlet stream of my Spring Pond. While I did not pay for, authorize, nor supervise their dam project, I think they would be highly offended that you call their skillful use of natural building materials "debris." I would like to challenge your department to attempt to emulate their dam project any time and/or any place you choose. I believe I can safely state there is no way you could ever match their dam skills, their dam resourcefulness, their dam ingenuity, their dam persistence, their dam determination and/or their dam work ethic.

As to your request, I do not think the beavers are aware that they first must fill out a dam permit prior to the start of this type of dam activity.

My first dam question to you is: (1) are you trying to discriminate against my Spring Pond Beavers or (2) do you require all beavers throughout this State to conform to said dam request? If you are not discriminating against these particular beavers, through the Freedom of Information Act I request completed copies of all those other applicable beaver dam permits that have been issued. Perhaps we will see if there really is a dam violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource and Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994, being sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Michigan Compiled Laws, annotated.

I have several concerns. My first concern is - aren't the beavers entitled to legal representation? The Spring Pond Beavers are financially destitute and are unable to pay for said representation - so the State will have to provide them with a dam lawyer. The Department's dam concern that either one or both of the dams failed during a recent rain event causing flooding is proof that this is a natural occurrence which the department is required to protect. In other words, we should leave the Spring Pond Beavers alone rather than harassing them and calling their dam names.

If you want the stream "restored" to a dam free-flow condition - please contact the beavers - but if you are going to arrest them (they obviously did not pay any attention to your dam letter-being unable to read English) --be sure they are read the Miranda rights first. As for me, I am not going to cause more flooding or dam debris jams by interfering with these dam builders. If you want to hurt these dam beavers-be aware I am sending a copy of your dam letter and this response to PETA. If your dam Department seriously finds all dams of this nature inherently hazardous and truly will not permit their existence in this State-I seriously hope you are not selectively enforcing this dam policy - or once again both I and the Spring Pond Beavers will scream prejudice!

In my humble opinion, the Spring Pond Beavers have a right to build their unauthorized dams as long as the sky is blue, the grass is green and water flows downstream. They have more dam right than I do to live and enjoy Spring Pond.

If the Department of Natural Resources and Environmental Protection lives to its name, it should protect the natural resources (Beavers) and the environment (Beavers' Dams).

So, as far as the beavers and I are concerned, this dam case can be referred for more elevated enforcement action right now. Why wait until 1/31/98? The Spring Pond Beavers may be under the dam ice then and there will be no way for you or your dam staff to contact/harass them then.

In conclusion, I would like to bring to your attention a real environmental quality (health) problem in the area. It is the bears. Bears are actually defecating in our woods. I definitely believe you should be persecuting the defecating bears and leave the beavers alone. If you are going to investigate the beaver dam, watch your step! (The bears are not careful where they dump!)

Being unable to comply with your dam request, and being unable to contact you on your dam answering machine, I am sending this response to your dam office via another government organization - the dam USPS. Maybe, someday, it will get there.

Sincerely,
Stephen L. Tvedten

Sarcastic remarks to get you through the day:
I don't know which is funnier, the remarks or the fact that I have used at least half of them...

1. And your crybaby whiny-assed opinion would be...?
2. Do I look like a f#*%ing people person?
3. This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.
4. I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.
5. I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me.
6. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
7. If I throw a stick, will you leave?
8. You!... Off my planet!
9. If I want to hear the pitter patter of little feet, I'll put shoes on my cats.
10. Does your train of thought have a caboose?
11. The Bible was written by the same people who said the Earth was flat.
12. Did the aliens forget to remove your anal probe?
13. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
14. A hard-on doesn't count as personal growth.
15. A PBS mind in an MTV world.
16. Allow me to introduce my selves.
17. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
18. Suburbia: where they tear out the trees & then name streets after them.
19. Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.
20. See no evil, hear no evil, date no evil.
21. Are those your eyeballs? I found them in my cleavage.
22. I'm not your type. I'm not inflatable.
23 I have a computer, a vibrator, & pizza delivery. Why should I leave the house?
24. Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.
25. Did I mention the kick in the groin you'll be receiving if you touch me?
26. It ain't the size, it's... no, it's the size.
27. A woman's favorite position is CEO.
28. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
29. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.
30. Stress is when you wake up screaming & you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.
31. Can I trade this job for what's behind door #1?
32. I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.
33. Okay, okay, I take it back! UnFuck you!
34. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
35. Macho Law prohibits me from admitting I'm wrong.
36. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
37. Chaos, panic, & disorder - my work here is done.
38. I plead contemporary insanity.
39. And which dwarf are you?
40. How do I set a laser printer to stun?
41. Meandering to a different drummer.
42. I majored in liberal arts. Will that be for here or to go?

RED SOX FANS
I am a Red Sox Fan, therfore my husband thought this was funny...bastard...

Twenty major events that have occurred since the Red Sox last laid claim to a World Series championship:

1.Radio was invented; Red Sox fans got to hear their team lose.
2.TV was invented; Red Sox fans got to see their team lose.
3.Baseball added 14 teams; Red Sox fans get to see and hear their team lose to more clubs.
4.George Burns celebrated his 20th, 30th, 40th, 50th, 60th, 70th, 80th, 90th, and 100th birthdays.
5.Halley's comet passed Earth...twice.
6.Babe Ruth was sold. He went on to win 4 World Series titles with the Yankees.
7.The NBA and NHL were formed, and Boston teams won championships in both leagues.
8.Man landed on the moon, as have several home runs given up by Red Sox pitchers.
9.Fifteen U.S. presidents were elected.
10.There were eleven amendments added to the Constitution.
11.Prohibition was created and repealed.
12.The Titanic was built, set sail, sank, was discovered, and became the subject of major motion pictures, the latest giving Red Sox fans hope that something that finishes on the bottom can come out on top.
13.Fenway Park was built and becomes the oldest park in the American League.
14.Flagpoles were erected on the Fenway Park roof to hold all of the team's future World Series pennants. Those flagpoles have since rusted and been taken down.
15.A combination of forty Summer and Winter Olympics have been held.
16.Thirteen baseball players have won the Triple Crown; several thanked Red Sox pitchers.
17.Bell-bottoms came in style, went out of style and came back in style;disco did the same.
18.The Chicago White Sox, Cleveland Indians, and Florida Marlins have all won the World Series.
19.Alaska, Arizona, Hawaii, Oklahoma, and New Mexico were admitted to the Union. 20.Bill Buckner

Pointless Ponderings...

Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.

Did you ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you? But when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window.

Have you ever noticed that anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?

You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where the hell she is.

I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.

Anytime four New Yorkers get into a cab together without arguing, a bank robbery has just taken place.

It's not hard to tell we was poor when you saw the toilet paper dryin' on the clothesline.

I voted for the Democrats because I didn't like the way the Republicans were running the country. Which is turning out to be like shooting yourself in the head to stop your headache.

I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three.

Ever wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?

I had a linguistics professor who said that it's man's ability to use language that makes him the dominant species on the planet. That may be. But I think there's one other thing that separates us from animals. We aren't afraid of vacuum cleaners.

The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they are okay, then it's you.

Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem. Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash.

I ask people why they have deer heads on their walls. They always say because it's such a beautiful animal. There you go. I think my mother is attractive, but I have photographs of her.

A lady came up to me on the street and pointed at my suede jacket. "You know a cow was murdered for that jacket"? she sneered. I replied in a psychotic tone, "I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you too."

Between moments of dispensing wisdom, it seems that historical religious leaders had also learned software programming.

One day, a great contest was held to test their skills. After days and days of fierce competition, only two leaders remained for the last day's event: Jesus and Mohammed. The judge described the software application required for the final test, and gave the signal to start writing code.

The two contestants feverishly typed away on their keyboards. Routines, classes, applets and applications flew by on their screens at incredible speeds. Windows, dialogs, and other intricate graphics began forming on their monitors. The clock showed that the contest would soon be finished.

Suddenly, a bolt of lightning flashed and the power went out. After a moment it came back on -- just in time for the clock to announce that at last the competition was over. The judge asked the two contestants to reveal their finished software. Mohammed angrily said that he'd lost it all in the power outage. The judge turned to the other competitor.

Jesus smiled, clicked a mouse and a dazzling application appeared on his screen. After just a few moments, the judge was clearly impressed and declared Jesus the victor. When asked why the decision was made, the judge pointed out the unique characteristic that set the winner apart from all the other leaders:

Jesus saves.

To flip through the pages of my BOS faster...

Title Page My Book of Shadows Bill of Rights What’s New The Library My Secret Grove Humor Favorite Writings Spell Workings Sabbats Webrings Goddesses Gods Current Quest The Soapbox Herbs Reader Contributions Stories for the Heart My Graphics COSW Gift Win My Award Find the Wands Runes Awards Fantasy Art Links Different Witches The Witch Speaks Erma Bombeck My Free Lessons Site Map HTML Help A Pagan Moment Recipes Under 18? Spirit Animals Letters to the Goddess Ancient History Oddz 'N' Endz