Questing Spirit: Humor 5

"Half the world is composed of idiots,
the other half of people clever enough to take indecent advantage of them."
Walter Kerr

Humor 5

Why did the Pagan chicken cross the road?

Alexandrian/Gardnerian: To reveal this would be to break my oath of secrecy. I can say, though, that it really is an ancient rite, dating far back in time, back even before 1951, and I have learned it from an unbroken lineage. As Gerald said, it takes a chicken to make an egg.

Asatru: First, we don't believe in a "One Chicken" or a "Hen and Rooster." We believe in many chickens. Second, "crossing the road" is part of the three levels, or worlds, and the chicken simply crossed from one level to another. Hail to the Chickens!

British Traditional: The word "chicken" comes from a very specific Old English word ("gechekken"), and it only properly applies to certain fowl of East Anglia or those descended therefrom. As for the rest, I suppose they are doing something remotely similar to crossing the road, but you must remember that traditional roads are not to be confused with the modern roads....

Celtic: In County Feedbeygohn on Midsummer's day, there is still practiced St. Henny's Dance, which is a survival of the old pagan Chicken Crossing fertility rite. Today, modern pagans are reviving the practice, dedicated to the Hen and the Green Rooster.

Ceremonial: "Crossing the road" is a phrase that summarizes many magical structures erected and timed by the chicken to produce the energy necessary for the intention of the travel across the road. For example, the astrological correspondences had to be correct, the moon had to be waxing (if the chicken intended to come to the other side of the road) or waning (if the chicken intended to flee to the other side of the road), and the chicken had to prepare herself through fasting and proper incantations. Note: certain forms of invocation (summoning an egg *inside* your chicken self) can produce abnormal or even dangerous eggs and should only be conducted inside a properly erected barnyard....

Chaos: Thinking in terms of "roads" and "crossings" is simply looking at the formal, typically perceived structure of chicken crossing space-time. We, instead, focus on the possibility of chicken crossing itself; what appears to be a random act is thus actually the norm--it is the road which is the freak of chance. Indeed, quantum mechanics now demonstrates what we knew all along: two roads can simultaneously exist in the same place at the same time. Thus, by attuning ourselves to the dynamic energy (called "crossing"), we can manifest the road. Of course, to the knowledgeable, this appears as a chicken crossing the road.

Dianic: The chykyn ("chicken" is term of patriarchal oppression) sought to reclaim for herself the right to be on the other side of the road, after it had been denied to her for centuries. By doing so, she reawakened the power of the Hen within herself.

Discordian: cock-a-doodle-doo!!!

Druid: To get to the sacred grove, of course! Keep in mind that 99% of everything written about chickens-crossing-the-road is pure hogwash, based on biased sources. Yes, there were a few unfortunate chicken sacrifices in the past, but that is over now...

Eclectic: Because it seemed right to her at the time. She used some Egyptian style corn and a Celtic sounding word for the road and incorporated some Native American elements into her Corn-name, Chicken-Who-Dances-and-Runs-with-the-Wolves.

Faery: In twilight times and under sparkling stars, those properly trained can still see the chickens crossing the roads. Reconnecting with these "fey-fowl" as they cross is crucial to restoring the balance between the energies of modern development and living with the earth.

Family Traditional: Growing up, we didn't think much about "crossing the road". A chicken was a chicken. It crossed the road because that was what worked to get her to the other side. We focused on what worked, and we worked more with the elders of the barnyard and less with all this "guardians of the chickencoop" business. We didn't get our concepts of "chickens" or "the other side" from Gardner, either. You can choose not to believe us since we did not "scratch down" on paper what was clucked to us orally (which, at certain times in history, was the only way to avoid becoming Easter chicken soup!), but that doesn't change the facts: there were real chickens, and they really did cross the road!

Kitchen Witch: The chicken crossed the road to get food, to get a rooster, or to get away from me after I decided to have chicken for supper!

Left Hand Path: White, fluffy chickens prancing across the road! Do you think that is all there is to crossing the road? Do you dare to know the dark side of crossing the road and the other path to self-development?

New Age: The chicken crossed the road because she chose this as one her lessons to learn in this life. Besides, there was so much incense and bright, white corn to explore on the Other Side.

Posting on an Online Discussion Group: What do you mean "why did the chicken cross the road?"???!!!??? Haven't you read **any** of the previous posts? We've been [expletive deleted] debating every word of that question, painstakingly trying to come to some kind of answer. I know you wrote "all i wnted to know was why chickens cross the road, i'm not looking for any chicken spells" but I'm fed up with newbies who can't even bother to REEEEEEEEAAADDD the posts on that very topic! No, this is *not* a flame. But, I and several others here have the *maturity* to properly explore and respond to this question, and we were properly trained; we *didn't* just read a book and think we were full-fledged chickens. (whew, feeling much better after ranting)

Reclaiming: "Didn't we settle this in the November meeting?"...."Yeah, why do we have to keep revisiting consensus all the time?"...."Actually, in November we decided that the chicken did cross the road, but we ran out of time for why."...."Well, I think the chicken came before the egg."...."Can we stick to the point here!? Was it a free-range chicken, or did it escape from one of those awful factory farms?"...."O.K., everybody -- breathe. Remember that we're here for all the chickens."...."I see lots of hands. Pondweed, then Mudflat, then ..."

Newly Discovered First Page of the Bible

They recently discovered a smaller scroll hidden in the cylinder of the first scroll of the ancient Biblical scriptures, believed to be the actual "first page" of the Bible. When deciphered, it read:

All beings, places and events depicted in this work are fictional, and any resemblance to actual beings, places and events past, present or future is purely coincidental.

WARNING: Some of the actions performed in this work are dangerous and should only be attempted by professionals familiar with the action in question.

NOTE: Those tiny points of light in the sky when it gets dark are called 'stars'. Some of them do blow up on occasion. In no way should this be construed as a sign that there is, beneath such an explosion, any form of saviour. Should such a misconstrual happen, the author will not be held responsible for the avalanche of arrogance, zeal, bigotry, humanocentricity and other vile acts which will surely follow the residents of the planet into time eternal until someone sees fit to erase the denizens of the world and let the author start over.

ISBN 0-000000-0000-1

Suggested retail: 1 sheep."

How to Annoy Wiccans
I play Magic, so #5 had me snorting at my desk...

1. Borrow their eyeliner and then don't give it back.
2. Snicker when the fat ones go skyclad.
3. Rearrange their altar.
4. Clean their "tools."
5. If they mention Magick, ask them to explain...you never understood that dumb card game...
6. Step into that drawn circle and ask them what they are doing.
7. Sharpen that dull knife of theirs.
8. Claim to be a non-Wiccan witch.
9. Ask if they can wriggle their nose like in Bewitched.
10. Put on your best Judy Garland voice and ask "Are you a good witch, or a bad witch?"
11. Throw water on them and expect them to melt.
12. Explain how adding "an it harm none" completely misses the point of Thelema. Then explain what Thelema is.
13. Lend them a copy of Liber OZ.
14. Take them to a Catholic Mass.
15. Turn their pentagrams upside down.
16. Recite good poetry during ritual.
17. Cast that circle counter-clockwise.
18. Tell the goddess to put up or shut up during the invocation.
19. Ask if they can do those things like in that movie...what was it...? Oh yeah, "The Craft!"
20. When they start talking about "the Goddess" start chanting things in Ouranian barbaric or Enochian. Explain later that you have a subconsciously wired bullshit-cut-off switch.
21. See if they know any Hebrew attributions for, say, tarot. Then ask them why they know.
22. Ask them who Gerald Gardner was. Ask them which degree rites they've been through. Ask them why they haven't, if it's part of the authentic Celtic tradition. Duck, and remind them about the "an' it harm none" bit.
23. Talk to their cat. Tell them the cat says it wants human sacrifices.
24. Scream "KALI YUGA!" when they invoke the Goddess.
25. Ask them who you have to sleep with in order to get initiated to the 3rd Degree.
26. Ask why so many Wiccan rituals bare a striking similarity to Golden Dawn rituals.
27. Half way through a ritual, ask the high priestess to wake you when the sex starts...
28. Edit their Book of Shadows, inserting material from one of the assorted Necronomicons or the Satanic Bible.
29. Ask them to recommend a good book on the subject of Wicca. When they respond, repeat that you wanted a *good* book on Wicca.
30. When one tells you that s/he is a Witch, tell them not to be so hard on themselves.
31. Explain the difference between 'skyclad' and 'houseclad'.
32. Remind them the moon has four phases, not three.
33. Men - wear amber and jet.
34. Wear a white rob and hood to the summer solstice. Say your swastika is just a rune.
35. Worship the devil and call yourself a 'real witch'.
36. Tell them that the green ray only appeals to people that like having their brain shut down.
37. Tell them the story about how Gardner coined the phrase 'Blessed be' after he 'hired' a West Country priestess from a local brothel who gasped it during the five fold kiss.
38. Point out that you can't meaningfully be a Kabbalist unless you're Jewish. No, wait, that's for annoying Hermeticists...
39. Put fire wood around the maypole.

And another cute joke:

A few minutes before the church services started, the towns people were sitting in their pews and talking. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate. Soon everyone had exited the church except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seeming oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence.

So Satan walked up to the old man and said "Don't you know who I am?" "Yep, sure do." "Aren't you afraid of me?" "Nope, sure ain't." "Don't you realize I can kill you with a word?" "Don't doubt it for a minute." "Did you know that I could cause you profound, horrifying, physical agony for all eternity??" "Yep," was the calm reply. "And you're still not afraid??" asked Satan. "Nope." More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, "Well, why aren't you afraid of me?" The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for 68 years."

To flip through the pages of my BOS faster...

Brightest of Blessings