of those who have lost
or know they are losing a child…
Disclaimer: What is written below is based on my own experience and or that of other
mothers I have talked to who have lost children, mainly infants by miscarriage,
stillbirth or neonatal losses. However this advice will work for parents of any lost
child no matter the age. The people you are now dealing with are changed
forever because of the death of their child (ren). Don’t expect them to be the same
as they were before that fateful day.
WHAT TO SAY AND WHAT NOT TO SAY
Though you may think what you are saying is helpful and supportive, however it can
seem just the opposite to a parent who is grieving the death of their child(ren). What you
say can be very hurtful and can damage your relationship forever. If the parents
forgive you for your words that have been said~they will never be forgotten.
Choose your words carefully, in fact the best words you can say are, “I am sorry!” Better
still, a hug and a shoulder to cry on with a few shared tears works wonders.
When you wound someone’s soul, as words can do, it takes a long time to heal.
BEFORE, DURING AND AFTER THE BABY IS BORN
Take lots and I mean lots of pictures of everything. Right now the parents may not want
them, but they will be a blessing to them in the future. Even if the parents ask you
not to take pictures, let them know they may want these in the future, you will seal
them in an envelope and they can open them when they are ready. If they still insist
that you take no pictures, then you must respect their wishes.
Encourage the parents to kiss, hold, touch, bathe, smell, talk and most of all look at their
child (ren) for as long as they need and want. No matter what the hospital staff says.
The parents can even ask for their child (ren) back after the nurses have taken them
away. Remind the parents that this is their child (ren), NOT the hospitals. Some
parents even choose to keep the baby with them until the funeral home comes to
pick the child(ren) up.
The guilt from not doing any number of these things can be overwhelming.
If the parents can’t handle the funeral/memorial/burial details at the moment, ask to help.
This is one of the hardest things for the parents to do. You may think it is a hard
thing for you to do, but think of how harder it is for the parents. No one should ever
have to bury his or her own child (ren).
AFTER THE PARENTS ARE HOME
Prepare meals and take them to the parents. Make extras to put in the freezer as well.
Grieving parents often forget to eat or don’t feel like eating. If they have to cook a
meal, it usually takes too much effort and a meal will be skipped. If food is handy
and only needs to be heated, they are more apt to eat.
Just because the parents child (ren) is gone, doesn’t mean they have forgotten or want to
forget. They may or may not want to talk about what happened at this point in time,
but chances of them wanting to talk in the future is great. People will do this at
different stages, some very fast and some very slow. Your job as their friend is to be
there when they are ready to talk. Listen and let them tell you all about child (ren).
This may range from the birthing experience to the last moments with their child
(ren). Ask questions, it may make it easier for the parents to share. If there were
one piece of advice I can give that I would beg you to heed, it would be to not act
like you are tired of hearing about their child (ren), like you have heard the same
story over and over again. You have to remember, parents of lost children only have
a specific amount of time to make memories of their child (ren). Whether they had a
miscarriage, stillbirth, preemie or were able to spend 30 years with their child (ren),
they only have that section of time to build memories of that child (ren). Those are
the only memories they have to talk about. Some may be a fraction of time and you
will hear the same stories many times. Some may be months or years worth of
memories and you will hear many stories. Either way, I encourage you to listen
intently and with your full attention for your friendships sake.
If you are a friend or loved one who has already experienced this type of loss and wish to
add anything that has helped you and your friendship, please email me so you can
share it with others.
If you are a parent who has lost a child and wish to add things that have helped you or
not helped you in your grief, please email me and I will share it here with others.
Back to resource page
Parents resource page
