(A collection of men's thoughts
on their women.)
... she has an uncanny way
of standing between me and the television
screen. Bases loaded, two
strikes, three balls. The crowd goes wild,
the pitch flies, and all
I can see is her butt.
--Howard, Dodge City, Kan.
... she was furious when
I got up early once and made her breakfast.
Called me controlling. How
dare I decide that she would eat
breakfast,let alone what
she'd have?
--Ted, Wexford, Pa.
... what's mine is hers.
I buy her negligees; she sleeps in my T-
shirts. When she's cold
she wears my wool socks to bed, never her
own. She steals my half-used
razors; new ones are too sharp. She even
wears my boxers. I'm tempted
to switch to briefs just to see what
she'd do.
--Dave, Martha's Vineyard,
Mass.
... she makes lists; Things
to buy, things to do, people to call. If
it's not on the list, it
doesn't get done. Once, to be funny, I
put "sex" on the list. Mistake.
Now it has to be on the list, or it
doesn't get done.
--Nick, Wheeling, W.Va.
... you can hear her eat
soup from the next room.
--Bruce, Bridgewater, N.J.
... when she gets an idea
in her head, there's no stopping her. And
no rest for anyone until
it's done. It's not so bad when the idea is
to bake cookies, or even
to go on vacation. But when it's to build a
new house, or to get pregnant,
things get pretty intense.
--Jim, Minneapolis
... my wife thinks everyone
should be a vegetarian. During meals, she
asks people how they can
eat dead cows, or if they know that their
pork chops used to be smarter
than their dogs.
--Miles, Shreveport, La.
... every so often boom!
Shes a brunette. Or I come home to a
redhead. Actually, I have
no idea what her natural color is.
--Cary, Seattle
... she'll brush her teeth
but she won't go to the dentist. She says
she's not afraid of the
pain; she just doesn't want to put herself in
the hands of any fellow
who'd choose to be a dentist.
--Terence, Gary, Ind.
... Shes stopped shaving
her legs. She says that now people will know
she's a natural blonde.
--Ned, Tucson, Ariz.
... she takes her half of
the bed out of the middle.
-Robin, Gladwyne, Pa.
... have you ever seen a
woman with green crust and slime smeared
over her face, dark holes
for her nostrils? Do you think you'd be
able to sleep at night,
knowing that creature is next to you?
--Arthur, Cedar City, Utah
... my wife's allergic to
everything. Her nose is chronically
stuffed. If I kissed her
on the mouth, she'd suffocate.
--Bryan, Toledo, Ohio
... after sex, I mean the
second after, she continues where she left
off. Her eyes open and before
you can breathe, you hear, " ... and,
oh, yeah, I have to defrost
the chicken, and your mother wants you to
pick up her dry cleaning..."
--Jimmy, Fort Lauderdale,
Fla.
... in bed I'm her high school
teacher, captain of the football team,
her boss, the bad boy, a
waiter, a lifeguard, a telephone repairman,
a cop. Once in a while I'd
like to be me.
--Neil, Orlando, Fla.
... she wears these false
eyelashes. She left 'em lying around and I
slammed 'em with my newspaper,
tried to kill the damn things. Scared
me half to death.
--Gordon, Oklahoma City,
Okla.
... she takes those soaps
too seriously. I'll come home and find her
in tears because some character
died. Or upset that some nonexistent
guy's having a fictional
affair.
--Archie, St. Louis
... she will not shop at
discount stores or sales. She thinks they're
crowded and plebeian. She
doesn't even look at the reduced rack,
other than, perhaps, for
gifts for my mother.
--Conrad, Wilmington, Del.
... it annoys her that our
children look like me.
--James, New Orleans
... counting my wife and
our teenage girls, that's four
women.Somebody's always
got PMS.
--Everett, Little Rock,
Ark.
... with five kids, I don't
have time to complain about my wife. I
don't have time to notice
her.
--Bob, Charleston, W.Va.
"Guys" add your own here
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