Just Joshs Mom

" April 25, 2000
Tuesday


Hello sweetheart...:) It has been a little while since I wrote last, I am sorry. That doesn't mean that I don't think of you...:)I am trying to figure out this new website that I had to change this site too...thank goodness for my special friend Judi!!
Mom has been on a roller coaster ride again...I do well for awhile, then things come up and it takes me back into that "black hole" again. I try so hard Josh to keep upbeat, but on some days it is so hard. As you well know we just celebrated Jake's 12th birthday...hard to believe he is already 12. I did pretty good all day. Each time Jake or Brit has a birthday now I have a hard day on that day. I put on a smile for them, because it is their day, but I go down memory lane for all the past birthdays of yours.I thought back to when you were 12. That was very hard for me, for that is when you problems began emotionally and that is where I worry about Jake. But I know you 2 are total different children, that is apparent in many ways, but there is still similar traits you both share. To me though, there are some very special links you 2 have. I know he misses you terribly. He is at a point right now that he is comparing your size at age 12 to his size now. That makes me laugh, those things brings smiles to my face, and warms my heart. We made it thru Easter too. We thought of you of course...:) we made it thru mine and Alans 4th anniversary, and on that day I was saddened by your loss. All I could think of was that you were gone 6 months after we married. But there was 1 memory that brought smiles...the way you and your friends took a table out of the reception hall and ate in the coatroom because you guys didnt' want to be with us...lol...that was funny Josh, and it is a good memory for me.
I have met a new online friend, Jason. He is so special and so dear to me. He too lost his brother to this nightmare, and we are sharing things together and it has helped me so much. I am sure you and Justin had a hand in this. You seem to know when I need the help the most!
By the way, you will be an uncle again...:) Uncle Mark and Aunt Angie is so happy Josh. They have wanted a child for so long, and now they will be bless with one this coming Sept. I am so thrilled for them, but once again you will not be here to help us celebrate this little miracle. It is things like this that hurts so much. Peoples lives are going on, and you are missing out on things that you should be here for. I know you are with us in spirit, and I thank God for that, but what I wouldn't give to have you here with me in body too. I love you my special son, and I miss you so much sweetheart. Do know that my thoughts are with you each and everyday. I love you and miss you!
Love always Mom

July 5, 2000
Wednesday
Hello sweetheart....I am so sorry I haven't written in such along time. As you well know I have been so busy, but you are in my thoughts everyday. Learning how to do this new system here on AOL isn't any fun either...:) So much has happened since I typed last. You are going to be a cousin again...Uncle Mark and Aunt Angie are finally expecting a baby! We are praying hard for this little miracle though because there are some major problems and it has hit us all very hard. All they ever wanted was to be parents, and they finally got their wish, but we are hoping and praying that God intervenes here and heals that little one. Please watch over it okay? We were discussing how much you favored your Uncle Mark and if they had a boy there could be another little you around...:) There is already one, Jake is SO much like you in looks too. He is growing so much Josh. He is almost as tall as me, and he has been spending alot of time with Papaw Hamilton and boy is he ever learning about cars! He has really picked this up and he is so smart, you would be proud. Brittany is fine, she is a little lady now, growing so fast. She is my kind hearted child, so tender and sweet. Watch over them, just as you always have been. I had a dream last week Josh about you, and it was so real, I know you sent it to me to relieve me, comfort me. You were so handsome in this dream, so content, so happy. You were the age you should be now, 18 and you were a man! I couldn't believe it. I have wondered so many times over what you would look like now and now since this dream I don't wonder anymore. I was so proud of you too, I couldn't believe how gorgeous you were. What made me happy was to see you smile...we hugged and cried and I told you how much I loved you and missed you. In all reality, this dream was something that would really happen now if you would walk thru this door today. It still seems like forever since I saw you. I miss you so much, I can't tell you how much. Life seems so unfair at times. I will never understand why you were taken from me, never. All I know is you are in my thoughts and heart everyday, and the longing to see you is so powerful and strong. One day we will unite, just like my dream, and I will not let go...:) Well son I must go, but do know Mom loves you, forever and ever and ever.... Love Mom


October 14, 2000
Saturday
Hello Josh...my son how I miss you!! So much has happened and I don't seem to have the time to update your site as much as I would like to, and for that I am sorry. So much has gone on here at home. I know you have sweet little Angelica in your care now my son. I am sure you reached down your long strong arms to pick her up when God decided that she was not going to be with my brother and his wife, instead to be in Heaven with you and all the little Angels that were born like she was. People call her birth/death as a stillborn, I prefer to stay she was born asleep. Josh as you know our hearts were so broken when we learned that this sweet little girl would not be on this Earth as planned. Uncle Mark and Aunt Angie are so heartbroken, so devastated. I am praying that God has more plans for them because the pain they are experiencing right now is so hard. I see in their eyes the pain that I look at each time I look in a mirrow. Your birthday is coming here in about 2 weeks. Hard to believe you would be 19. I just know you would be so handsome right now....:) You were always such a gorgeous boy. Your brother Jake is acquiring those looks now. You would be proud of him now too. He got his motorcyle and he can't be any happier. I watch him smile and laugh and my heart skips a beat. I try to go back in time to relive those moments of your happiness and sometimes I can think of them, sometimes my heart is too heavy with pain so all I remember is your pain. I am doing pretty good, just this time of year is more difficult. Your Heaven date is less than a month now too. 4 yrs....4 long years in some ways, yet it seems much longer in other ways. All I know is that I miss you, I miss everything about you. I always will. I would love for you to come to my dreams soon again if possible, I am in dire need of that comfort. I watched a movie this evening, it was called "What Dreams May Come" It was difficult at times to watch, but it made me think about the afterlife. I have to believe that there is a Heaven and that is where you are. In the movie it portrayed that suicide deaths went to Hell, but I can't believe that. I feel your Hell must have been on Earth and now you are in what I call Heaven. I just want you happy now matter where you are. Of course I would prefer it be with me here! Josh your life and death has changed me. I never would have imagined that I could survive a day without one of my children, yet I have for almost 4 yrs. I know I miss you more each day in ways, yet at the same time I don't know if I can miss you any more than I have. Well my son once again I have to go, but I want you to know that I absolutely adore you and am thinking of you as usual. Hugs and many kisses my son... Love Mom



October 31, 2000
Tuesday
Halloween
Hello my birthday boy....this day comes with so much mixed emotions that it is hard to even write how I honestly feel. I think the days approaching this day is worse than the actual day itself. I am very edgy and short-tempered before your birthday. I wear my feelings on my shoulders, or I should say in my heart. I try to think of your birthday as a day that I should remember all the good things about you and your life. That is what I prefer to do, but that doesn't always happen either. I sit here and think about how happy and so excited I was 19 yrs ago today. I think about how proud I was to become your Mom and how I wanted to give you everything in the world because you were mine. Now I have to sit here and hope that I did all I could for you, and that you were happy that I was your Mom. I know you loved me sweetheart, I am not saying that, we were very close and boy do I ever miss that now. I miss your little jokes, your smile. I made a chocolate on chocolate cake for you. We will be having it tonight. I will be going to get balloons today to release tonight. Even though it feels good to do these things my heart still hurts very much inside. I miss you so much and I can't help to be very sad inside. Your birthday is today and in another 6 days it will be 4 yrs that you left us. This is a week that is hard for me to handle it all. Thankfully I have good family and friends that know that this day and the next few are very difficult. Josh I am just hoping and praying that you did have some joy and peace in your life while you were here, and that you are now at full peace. I know I wish you were with me, I wish we were all together tonight eating your favorite meal and having cake and opening presents, the way it should be, but since that is not an option for us, please know that I will be with you all day in thoughts and do know that I love you my sweet son so very much and miss you even more than that. Happy 19th birthday Josh in Heaven....and may something bring a smile to my face today for you.... I love you my birthday brat Mom



November 6, 2000
Monday
Hello my son...well to say that my thoughts will be about you and with you today is something to say the least. My heart will cry out for you today, even if no one sees any tears. Today marks 4 yrs that you left me. These last 4 yrs have been an experience to say the least. Losing you in our lives, mine especially has been such an life altering thing to happen. I am no longer who I was. 4 yrs ago today my whole life changed dramatically and it will never be the same. There is such a void in our lives Josh. A void that will never be filled. I am more at peace within myself than I was early in your leaving, but I still have questions that will never be answered. I will always have these questions and only you have some of the answers. I do want to thank you for all the things that you have given me these last 4 yrs. You are around me and I know that. The signs that I get from you are so much appreciated. As you well know I talked to Lindsey last night sweetheart. That girl is one of the sweetest people I know. She was truly a friend of yours Josh. She went way out of her way to find me again. She thinks of you often. Remember when I asked on your birthday that something could bring me a smile on that day for you? Well it did, it was Lindsey...when I came home from work that day, there was a message from her and I couldn't have been any happier. It absolutely made my day. Speaking with her last night was so comforting. She is really a dear person...well baby boy I must go, but do know that I love you so much and today will be hard because of memories that I try to forget, but they will be there. Please step with me today. I love you my son...forever and always...oh well, whatever, never mind....(I will always remember this saying Josh)
Mom



December 19, 2000
Tuesday
Hello sweetheart...oh how I miss you! I am sitting here watching the snow fall, thinking back on past Christmas'. I have Christmas music playing, the tree is all decorated and lit up, presents all wrapped. My little village is all set up and shining, your tree is all decorated with all your own ornaments. Sounds like I am all ready, and part of me is, yet the other part of me is hurting. This will be my 5th Christmas without you Josh. Each year I get out all the Christmas stuff, I do the shopping, the wrapping, I go thru each motion and yes I do enjoy it, but it isn't the same anymore. I do enjoy Christmas thru Jake and Brittanys eyes. I do enjoy visiting with the families and watching the little kids open up the gifts. We all laugh and share, sometimes there is tears of joy and happiness, but deep inside my heart is tears of sadness and longing to have another chance with you my son. I will never understand why you had to leave. I will never understand why I have to endure the pain of losing a child. I will forever ask myself "why". I will always wonder why our family has had to bury 2 young children. This year while I was out shopping I was looking for a book on grief for Mark and Angie. This is their first Christmas without Angelica. Oh how I know how their hearts are hurting. This is not how it is supposed to be. We should be passing around a little baby girl to hold and kiss and spoil. She would be all dressed up in lace and red velvet I just know. She would have little diamond stud earrings in her little ears. Her sandy colored hair would have a little bow in it that would match her dress. Her little shoes and socks would match. I can see all of this in my heart. Instead this year Mark and Angie and I will have something in common that I wish we didn't. We will light a candle in honor of you and of little Angelica. I know she is with you Josh and I know she is safe, hold onto her tight my son. This year I would probably be buying you something for you car or maybe your apartment. Instead I will be sending money in your memory to a suicide help group. So Josh even though I will be smiling as I watch our families all get together and I watch the kids open their gifts and watch them play, my heart will also be with you my son. I will forever miss you each day, and even more especially on Holidays like this when all the family is together. There will be 2 empty spots in my heart and at our family get together this year...I love you Josh and my hear breaks a little more each day.
Merry Christmas Josh and little Angelica
Love Mom and Aunt Debbie to you my littlest Angel Angelica ^i^ ^i^


January 31, 2001
Wednesday
Hello sweetheart....Mom is writing today with a very heavy heart. I know you know what has happened already, but it always brings me comfort to write to you anyways. Grandpa Ginter is gone now too...I absolutely cannot believe that Papaw Pete is now gone. This news has hit me really hard, not to say how it has hit the whole family. I know he is now with you sweetie and that really is a comfort because now you have Papaw again, but it has shattered so many here. Jake was devastated Josh. I hated so badly to have to tell him, I knew how it was going to break his heart again and it did. I have to be strong, and with God's watchings and your inner strength please help me do this for the next couple of days. We are getting ready to leave in a few minutes, to go do something I am dreading so badly. Papaw will be at the same funeral home you were in, and I think that he will be buried in the plot next to you. You are now surrounded by 3 people that absolutely adored the ground you walked on my son. You are in good hands. Please watch over us today and the next few days, especially Jake. He will need your strength my son. I love you Josh.
By the way, I do have some good news thankfully also...Uncle Mark and Aunt Angie are pregnant again...we are really praying for them. We can't wait to see a little one of theirs....but always in our hearts is little Angelica, our littlest Angel now...how is she doing Josh? I know she is with you....:) that brings me comfort. I love you sweetie and continue to watch over us, we miss you terribly in our lives here on Earth...love you my son...bunches!
Love, Mom

February 19, 2001
Monday
Hello Josh...I just thought I would post a few words to say that I am doing okay...it has been very emotional for me lately. Alot of things has happened that has opened up some wounds for me. Some are good, an old friend from years ago that I had, a friend that was around before you were, came to Papaws funeral because she read about it in the paper, but to her dismay she learned of your passing then too...she had no idea. She was one that I tried to contact over the years but lost contact with her. She was very upset too sweetie....she was sad and it was a very emotion moment for me to see her again. She knew you before you were born....:) I wonder how much you remember of her and her kids. She has a son too that was born just a few months after you and you 2 use to play together. It is sad sweetie to run into someone that didn't know about your passing. It brings me back to day 1 in some ways, yet it is wonderful to talk about you again to someone that knew you. She is very dear to me in different ways because she was so dear to me for years. She knew you and loved you too Josh...anyways, grandpas funeral was very difficult as you know I am sure. I know you had to be with me and Jake, you always are...:) Papaw will be so missed. It is still so sad to know he is gone, how was your reunion with him? I know he was glad to see you sweetie...it is still very strange for me to accept his passing too. I miss you Josh. I have been thinking back on sadder times, like when you were here and so troubled and there was nothing I could do to help, and it still hurts me so badly. I would have done anything to save you Josh, anything...It hurts so bad to know your child is hurting and you can't do anything to fix it. I have found out that I have much more anger than I ever thought I did before. I know I finally expressed some anger last Summer, but now it is creeping up on me again. Last week I dealt with alot of anger from different angles. Please stay with me and help me along the way, I need guidance. Jake is doing pretty good, please watch over him and Brittany. They are growing so fast and Jake will soon be a teenager and I am having a real hard time with that one. I need to talk to him, and I am afraid. I guess I just have the fear of losing another child and I can barely admit those words. Jake and Brittany are great kids and I am so fortunate, but I will always carry fear in my heart now. Josh I love you and I miss you even more than that. I think of you often, and I want and need to know you are okay too...I love you Josh.
Mom