*** For Immediate Release ***
By B.J. Chaplin
White House Correspondent
The following are two excerpts from a highly classified document codenamed Project P.A.N.S.Y. (Pandemic Annihilation of Natural Sexual Yearnings) that was intercepted via facsimile thanks to the Patriot Act. The document-- more appropriately called the Homosexual Agenda-- is being described by officials as "the gay equivalent of the Holy Grail." The correspondence was being secretly transmitted to gay bars, clubs, bathhouses, bookstores, and other businesses across the nation from the San Francisco international GLBT headquarters (the Pink Palace). A band of male CIA agents, met by muscled lesbians and ninja drag queens, struggled to subdue the feisty bunch but eventually succeeded after threatening to cancel an upcoming Margaret Cho tour. Preliminary tests have indicated that no gayness has infected the brave agents as of yet, but, for precautionary reasons, the agents have been quarantined and are receiving a steady diet of sirloin steak, beer, and Clint Eastwood movies.
Section 486D-539
Marriage Infiltration
Mission Objective: Forcefully redefine marriage
Methodology: Coerce liberal states into passing legislation and then gradually work through the courts until fully equal marital rights are obtained
Synopsis: In order to get the legislative wheels turning, a list of high-ranking government officials (refer to Section 121B-712, Chart 3.2) must be targeted and tranquilized. Once an official is unconscious, inject into her or his bloodstream a microscopic nanobot-- the Homoneurolizer 3XL-- which will interfere with the host's ability to reason. Note that the list is full of liberal extremists (Democrats) so that no one will draw suspicions. The Homoneurolizer 3XL will force the official to make ridiculous public claims such as "homosexuals should have equal protection under the law" and "the love between a heterosexual couple is the same love that exists between a homosexual couple." Be warned, however, that the Homoneurolizer 3XL may malfunction if certain bible passages are read aloud; the nanobot may be shown the error of its unholy ways and subsequently shutdown. This phenomenon of the Homoneurolizer 3XL being suddenly "saved" is still being investigated by our Queer Department of Mechanical Thingies.
The next action that must be taken is to work our way through the courts using pretend couples as testaments to our abilities to fall in love and become parents. Android children will make model youngsters and reflect positively on us as parents. Although we predict that the opposition will use such ironclad arguments as a need to protect the abstract "sanctity of marriage" and prevent the "moral decay of society," we have confidence that we will eventually prevail, thanks to the nanobots. We suspect that the cases will eventually go to the Supreme Court. If necessary, Court judges can be replaced with clones (a technology we developed to answer the question of reproduction; see Section 794A-889) and they will then rule as we see fit.
Once gay marriage is obtained, we will be able to use the powerful legal precedent to exact our next marital goals. Since allowing gay marriage logically opens the door to any kind of love, we plan to use the same process to legally provide for incest, bestiality, pedophilia, necrophilia, and state-recognized cyber sex. The institution of marriage-- which initially was perfect-- will be essentially destroyed. Heterosexuals will be powerless as they witness the downfall of civilization.
Section 851E-961
Child Recruitment
Mission Objective: Create more homosexuals
Methodology: Expose children to homosexuality and gay situations early on and hope they turn
Synopsis: Despite our methods, heterosexual families keep spurting out homosexuals at a rate we cannot come close to matching. We raise our children and tell them the truth about our orientations, yet they continue to gravitate toward whichever sex they desire. It's almost as if their sexual orientation was genetic-- but we all know this can't be true.
We've developed a two-tier plan for turning kids away from heterosexuality. The process for turning females and males-- called "dykification" and "sissification," respectively-- are currently being tested for effectiveness.
Dykification entails leading young girls away from their traditional, rightful roles as mothers and housewives. We will instill a feminist mentality into them, and naturally they will grow to hate men and become lesbians. We will encourage girls to play sports, join the military, and become gym teachers. Research shows that these activities increase levels of the natural chemical lesbopin being released to the brain. Unnaturally high levels of this chemical cause hair to grow in the shape of a mullet and makes lesbian legs ultra-sensitive to light, forcing them to always wear pants.
For "sissification," young boys will be encouraged to disregard natural male superiority and treat women as equals. We suspect that this is a surefire way to make them gay. We've already infiltrated the Boy Scouts (by using a public lawsuit to distract from our covert plan) and have boys sewing badges and wearing fabulously stylish scarves. Joining the military will be vehemently discouraged (because there are no gays in the military) and instead boys will be pointed toward gymnastics, figure skating, and nursing. Boys will be taught skills outside their traditional spheres, such as childcare, cooking, cleaning, and expressing emotions other than anger.
Although the experiment is still in its infancy, we expect scores of straight boys and girls to be batting for our team in no time.
Important Notice:
The U.S. government advises that the general public refrain from approaching or feeding any homosexuals, as they may be dangerous and/or contagious. Do not make eye contact or any sudden movements. A new terror level, color-coded level "pink," has now been adopted and denotes the highest level of threat to homeland security. As of today, the country is operating at this level.
In order to safeguard against possible homo-exposure, the government insists that males refrain from listening to any trance, house, or techno music; similarly, females must not listen to heavy metal or bands led by or including women. When played backwards, the government has discovered, songs in these genres have been known to cause laboratory animals to temporarily cease mating.
Furthermore, using data collected from the intercepted communication in conjunction with an extensive tax-payer funded $87 billion investigation into the matter conducted over the last four years, the government has confirmed that the following cartoon characters are gay: The Pink Panther, Yogi Bear and his boytoy Boo-Boo, Buttercup of the Powerpuff Girls, Milhouse VanHouten, Waylon Smithers (already known-- just a reminder), Peppermint Patty and her on-again, off-again girlfriend Marcie Johnson, Jem's foes the Misfits, Snagglepuss (notorious for saying "Heavens to mergatroid!" and "Exit, stage left!"), the 1980s incarnation of He-Man (the 2002 version is now a spokesperson for the ex-gay movement), She-Ra, Missy Piggy (female impersonator), the Amazonian princess Wonder Woman, Vanity Smurf, Piglet, Aquaman, Batman and his "life partner" Robin, Garfield, Mickey Mouse, Foghorn Leghorn, Pepe Le Pew (his homosexuality became apparent through his heterosexual overcompensation), Velma "Jenkies" Dinkley, and the ringleaders from Bikini Bottom-- Sandy Cheeks and SpongeBob SquarePants. Only by shielding children from the subliminal messages these evildoers continue to secretly broadcast can we hope to contain this imminent threat.
If a gay or lesbian is spotted, contact your local authorities immediately. The government is counting on you. Without your help, the world as we know it will cease to exist.
