Say it ain't so!

Damn, I'm Good Lookin'

Jokes 1

The Wager

A little old lady goes into the Chase Manhattan Bank, and says she wants to open a savings account. The accounts person asks her how much she would like to deposit to open the account and the little old lady says, "Three million dollars."

The accounts person is startled, and says, "In what form?" and the little old lady says, "Cash. I've got it here in this bag..." and the accounts person looks and, sure enough, the lady has a big grocery bag just chock full of green stuff with big denominations.

This is a highly unusual event, and the accounts person excuses herself to get the president of the bank to handle this one. He arrives, and escorts the little old lady to his office to handle it personally.

Once in his office, he asks the little old lady where she got so much money.

She says, "Gambling."

"Gambling?", he says. "What sort of gambling?"

"Oh, I make bets with people on all sorts of things, and I usually win. For example, I've got $100,000 right here that says that by noon tomorrow your balls will be square, and I'll even give you 4:1 odds. You got $25,000 you'd be willing to wager on that?"

The bank president is shocked at this sort of thing coming from a sweet little old lady, but he didn't get to be the president of the Chase Manhattan Bank without knowing something about money. "I suppose I could come up with enough to cover that sort of wager, but I wouldn't feel right taking it from you...there's no way you can win a bet like that!"

The little old lady just shook the bag, and said, "I know what I'm doing...and I can afford to lose, though I'm not going to. Is it a bet?"

"Ok, have it your way", said the president, and they shook hands on it.

"See you at 11:55 tomorrow morning", said the little old lady, and with that she left.

Next morning at 11:55 the little old lady arrives with a younger man in a three-piece suit, and is escorted to the bank president's office. The president is a nervous wreck, though a happy one. He'd gotten almost no sleep the night before, waking every few minutes to feel his balls to check for impending squareness, but nothing happened all night. He had checked hundreds of times that morning, but still nothing; perfectly normal.

When the little old lady arrived he started to relax, knowing he had won.

"Come in, please have a seat! Who might this gentleman be?" said the president.

"He's my lawyer. For a bet of this size I want to have a witness. Any objections?"

"No, perfectly understandable", said the president. "Well, it's now noon, and I'm still unchanged, so I guess I win!" he said happily.

"Not so fast!" said the little old lady. "For a hundred grand I want to verify things personally! Please drop your pants."

The bank president is a bit flustered, but agrees that in her position he'd want proof as well, so he drops his pants. The little old lady goes over to him and reaches out to feel the organs in question.

"Ok, you win, here's your $100,000," says the little old lady, handing over a bag of bills. As she does so, her lawyer starts banging his head against the wall and moaning.

"What's wrong with him?" asks the bank president.

"Oh, he's just upset. Poor loser if you ask me. You see, I had a bet for $1,000,000 with him that I would have the President of the Chase Manhattan Bank by the balls by noon today."

 

Gun Shot

Mildred was a 93 year-old woman who was particularly despondent over the recent death of her husband Earl. She decided that she would just kill herself and join him in death.

Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out Earl's old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart since it was so badly broken in the first place.

Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become paralized, she called her doctor's office to inquire as to just exactly where the heart would be.

"On a woman," the doctor said, "your heart would be just below your left breast."

Later that night, Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound to her left knee.

 

Market Research

A market researcher called at a house and his knock was answered by a young woman with three small children running around her.

He asked her if she minded replying to his questions and she agreed. He asked her if she knew his company, Cheeseborough-Ponds. When she said no, he mentioned that among their many products was Vaseline and she certainly knew of that product. When asked if she used it, the answer was Yes."

Asked how she used it, she said, "To assist sexual intercourse."

The interviewer was amazed. He said, "I always ask that question because everyone uses our product and they always say they use it for the child's bicycle chain, or the gate hinge; but I know that most use it for sexual Intercourse. Since you've been so frank, could you tell me exactly how you use it?"

"Yes, we put it on the doorknob to keep the kids out."

 

Bingo

This guy had a very attractive wife, who was always wanting clothes, jewelry, etc., but he was not too well off.

One day his wife came home with a diamond neckless. The guy asked: "Where did you get that?" His wife replied: "I won it at bingo."

The next night she came home with a mink coat. The guy asked: "Where did you get that?" His wife replied: "I won it at bingo."

The next night she came home with a Mercedes Benz. The guy asked: "Where did you get that?" His wife replied: "Look!! Don't keep asking where I get my things!! Go upstairs and run my bath for me!!"

His wife came upstairs to find a small amount of water in the tub.

The wife asked: "How come you put so little water in the tub?"

The guy replied: "I didn't want you to wet your bingo card"

 

The Devil You Say

One bright, beautiful Sunday morning, everyone in tiny Smithville wakes up early and goes to their local church. Before the service starts, the townspeople sit in their pews and talk about their lives, their families, etc.

Suddenly, at the altar, Satan appears!! Everyone starts screaming and running for the front exit, trampling each other in their determined efforts to get away from Evil Incarnate.

Soon, everyone is evacuated from the church except for one man, who sat calmly in his pew, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy is in his presence. This confuses Satan a bit.

Satan walks up to the man and says, "Hey, don't you know who I am?"

The man says, "Yep, sure do."

Satan says, "Well, aren't you afraid of me?"

The man says, "Nope, sure ain't, I've been married to your sister for 25 years."

 

The Cowboy

Two old timers were sitting on the porch of the general store when another cowboy rode in with his horse. The cowboy dismounted, and then tied his horse to a pole. Afterwards he went behind the horse, lifted its tail and kissed its balls.

One of the men on the porch asked, "What'd ya do that fer?"

To which the cowboy replied, "I gots chapped lips."

And the other sitting man said, "And that helps 'em get better?"

"No, but it stops me from lickin' 'em."

 

The Wino

A wino was sitting at a bar, quietly sobbing into his beer.

A lawyer came up and asked, "What's the problem, pal?"

The wino said, "I just found out that sperm banks pay $20 for a donation."

"So," said the lawyer, "why are you crying?"

"I've let a fortune slip through my fingers!" the wino wailed.

 

The Checkout Line

A woman was waiting in the check-out line at a shopping center. Her arms were laden with a mop and broom and other cleaning supplies. By her actions and deep sighs, it was obvious she was in a hurry, and was not happy about the slowness of the line.

When the cashier called for a price check on a box of soap, the woman remarked indignantly, "Well, I'll be lucky to get out of here and home before Easter!"

"Don't worry, ma'am," replied the clerk. "With that wind kicking up out there and that brand new broom you have there, you'll be home in no time."

 

Little Known Facts

  • Debra Winger was the voice of E.T.
  • Pearls melt in vinegar.
  • It takes 3,000 cows to supply the NFL with enough leather for a year's supply of footballs.
  • Thirty-five percent of the people who use personal ads for dating are already married.
  • The 3 most valuable brand names on earth: Marlboro, Coca-Cola, and Budweiser, in that order.
  • It's possible to lead a cow upstairs...but not downstairs.
  • Humans are the only primates that don't have pigment in the palms of their hands.
  • Ten percent of the Russian government's income comes from the sale of vodka.
  • The sentence "The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog." uses every letter in the alphabet. (Developed by Western Union to Test telex/two communications)
  • The only 15 letter word that can be spelled without repeating a letter is uncopyrightable.
  • Stewardesses' is the longest word that is typed with only the left hand.
  • No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver, and purple.
  • "I am" is the shortest complete sentence in the English language.
  • Average life span of a major league baseball: 7 pitches.
  • A duck's quack doesn't echo, and no one knows why.
  • The reason firehouses have circular stairways is from the days of yore when the engines were pulled by horses. The horses were stabled on the ground floor and figured out how walk up straight staircases.
  • The airplane Buddy Holly died in was the "American Pie." (Thus the name of the Don McLean song.)
  • Clans of long ago that wanted to get rid of their unwanted people without killing them used to burn their houses down - hence the expression "to get fired."
  • An ostrich's eye is bigger that it's brain.
  • The longest recorded flight of a chicken is thirteen seconds.
  • The highest point in Pennsylvania is lower than the lowest point in Colorado.
  • Nutmeg is extremely poisonous if injected intravenously.
  • If you have three quarters, four dimes, and four pennies, you have $1.19. You also have the largest amount of money in coins without being able to make change for a dollar.
  • Only one person in two billion will live to be 116 or older.
  • The mask used by Michael Myers in the original "Halloween" was actually a Captain Kirk mask painted white.
  • Snails can sleep for 3 years without eating
  • Actor Tommy Lee Jones and vice-president Al Gore were freshman roommates at Harvard
  • The fingerprints of koala bears are virtually indistinguishable from those of humans, so much so that they could be confused at a crime scene.
  • Months that begin on a Sunday will always have a "Friday the 13th."
  • James Doohan, who plays Lt. Commander Montgomery Scott on Star Trek, is missing the entire middle finger of his right hand.
  • The Eisenhower interstate system requires that one mile in every five must be straight. These straight sections are usable as airstrips in times of war or other emergencies.
  • There are 293 ways to make change for a dollar.
  • All of the clocks in the movie "Pulp Fiction" are stuck on 4:20.

     

    Mergers

    Are your investments in order? Below are some of the latest rumors from Wall Street. In the wake of the AOL/Time Warner deal, here are the latest mergers we can expect to see:

    Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush, and W.R. Grace Company merge to become Hale Mary Fuller Grace.

    Polygram Records, Warner Brothers, and Keebler Crackers merge to become Polly-Warner-Cracker.

    3M and Goodyear merge to become MMMGood.

    John Deere and Abitibi-Price merge to become Deere Abi.

    Zippo Manufacturing, Audi Motors, Dofasco, and Dakota Mining merge to become Zip Audi Do Da.

    Honeywell, Imasco, and Home Oil merge to become Honey I'm Home.

    Denison Mines, and Alliance and Metal Mining merge to become Mine All Mine.

    Federal Express and UPS merge to become FED UP.

    Xerox and Wurlitzer will merge and begin manufacturing reproductive organs.

    Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers will merge and become Fairwell Honeychild.

    3M, J.C. Penney and the Canadian Opera Company will merge and become 3 Penney Opera.

    Knott's Berry Farm & National Organization of Women will merge and become Knott NOW!

     

    To The Point

    The local newspaper funeral notice telephone operator received a phone call. The woman on the other end asked, "How much do funeral notices cost?"

    "$5.00 per word, Ma'am," came the response.

    "Good, do you have a paper and pencil handy?"

    "Yes, Ma'am."

    "OK, write this: 'Cohen died.'"

    "I'm sorry, Ma'am; I forgot to tell you there's a five-word minimum."

    "Hmmph," came the reply, "You certainly did forget to tell me that." A moment of silence. "Got your pencil and paper?"

    "Yes, Ma'am."

    "OK, print this: 'Cohen died, Cadillac for sale.'"

     

    Why God Made Bikers by Animal

    God made the world with long streets and bright lights.
    Beautiful women and bars with Bud Light
    Then he paused and said 'It needs just one more thing!'
    Someone to drink and fight, and get his ass in a sling.
    A man to ride his Harley down the streets at a 100mph
    Just to hit one more bar before the closing hour.
    He has long hair and he wears a long beard
    He's loved by most women, but by most men he's feared.
    He wears oil stained Levis and black Tees,
    A cut off Levi jacket and a bandana tied to his leg just above his knee.
    The cops don't like him, to them he's just a pest,
    Just because we're different from all the rest.
    They pull our ass over every chance they get,
    And ya know 90% of the time we ain't done shit.
    So ya see us bikers aren't all mean and tough,
    We even do lots of good stuff.
    Like Toys for Tots, we do this run every year,
    For this alone ya should buy him a beer.
    We give of our time, and money to children's hospitals is another.
    Some of these kids never get a visit,
    Not even from their mothers.
    So ya see God didn't make bikers
    Any different than most others.
    He just blessed us with a world
    Full of Damn Rigtheous Brothers.

     

    LOST DOG
    3 LEGS
    BLIND IN LEFT EYE
    MISSING RIGHT EAR
    TAIL BROKEN, RECENTLY CASTRATED
    ANSWERS TO THE NAME "LUCKY"

     

    Testimony

    Believe it or not, these court transcripts are for real. It's a shame they couldn't record the reactions of the juries.

    X or Y

    Q: Can you describe the individual?
    A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
    Q: Was this a male, or a female?

    Zen Law

    Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

    Dead or Alive?

    Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
    A: No.
    Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
    A: No.
    Q: Did you check for breathing?
    A: No.
    Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
    A: No.
    Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
    A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
    Q: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?
    A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.

     

    A Sexual Problem

    Doctor, the embarrassed man said " I have a sexual problem, I can`t get it up for my wife anymore"

    "Mr. Thomas, bring her back with you tomorrow and let me see what I can do.", said the doc.

    The next day, the worried fellow returned with his wife. "Please take off your clothes, Mrs. Thomas" requested the doctor. The woman obliged.

    "Now turn all the way round... lie down please... uh-huh, I see... Okay you can put your clothes back on now"

    The doctor took the husband aside and explained, "You`re in perfect health, mister. Your wife didn`t give me an erection either".

     

    Signs it's your last day at work...

    You hand a bank teller an envelope,
    and when she asks, "What's this?"
    you realize you just dropped the company's deposit in a mailbox
    and gave her your mail.

    As a woman comes into the store,
    you turn to the other salesman and say,
    "I waited on the last fat ugly old lady. This one's your turn!"
    Your boss is standing behind you.
    And it's his wife.

    While your boss is at lunch, you sneak in
    and look at some confidential information on his computer.
    You spill coffee on the keyboard.
    It shorts out.

    You return from a week's vacation to find
    that you had scheduled *this* week as vacation,
    not last week.

    You take a "sick" day.
    The next morning the boss asks you,
    "So, how was the fishing on Rock Creek yesterday?"

    You wake up hung over.
    You have a black eye and barked knuckles.
    Your underwear is missing.
    You're in jail.
    Last night was the company Christmas party.

     

    The Smarter Sex

    A woman and a man are involved in a car accident; it's a bad one.
    Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them are hurt.
    After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says,
    "So you're a man, that's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars!
    There's nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days."
    The man replied, "I agree with you completely."
    "This must be a sign from God!" The woman continued,
    "And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune."
    Then she hands the bottle to the man,
    The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman.
    The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man.
    The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"
    The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police..."

     

    The Magician and The Parrot

    A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience would be different each week, so the magician allowed himself to do the same tricks over and over again.
    There was only one problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows every week and began to understand what the magician does in every trick.
    Once he understood that, he started shouting in the middle of the show:
    Look, it's not the same hat
    Look, he is hiding the flowers under the table!
    Hey, why are all the cards the Ace of Spades?
    The magician was furious but couldn't do anything, it was the captain's parrot after all.
    One day the ship had an accident and sunk. The magician found himself on a piece of wood, in the middle of the ocean, with the parrot of course.
    They stared at each other with hate, but did not utter a word.
    This went on for a day, and another, and another.
    After a week the parrot finally said: OK. I give up.
    What'd you do with the boat?

     

    The Wizard

    An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.
    The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you."
    The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and wife."

     

    The Bear and The Rabbit

    Now Mr. Bear and Mr. Rabbit didn't like each other very much and one day, whilst they were walking through the woods they came across a golden frog.
    The frog turned to them and said: "Ooh, I don't often meet anyone in these parts."
    They were amazed that the frog had talked to them.
    The golden frog admitted: "Mind you, when I do meet someone I always give them six wishes.
    You can have three wishes each in this case.
    Mr. Bear immediately wished that all the other bears in the forest were females.
    The frog granted his wish.
    Mr. Rabbit, after thinking for a while, wished for a crash helmet. One appeared immediately, and he placed it on his head.
    Mr.. Bear was amazed at Mr. Rabbit's wish, but carried on with his second wish.
    He wished that all the bears in the neighboring forests were females as well, and the frog granted his wish.
    Mr. Rabbit then wished for a motorcycle. It appeared before him, and he climbed on board and started revving the engine.
    Mr. Bear could not believe it and complained that Mr. Rabbit had wasted two wishes that he could have had for himself.

    Shaking his head, Mr. Bear made his final wish, that all the other bears in the world were females as well, leaving him as the only male bear in the world.
    The frog replied that it had been done, and they both turned to Mr. Rabbit for his last wish.
    Mr. Rabbit revved the engine, thought for a second, then said:
    "I wish that Mr. Bear was gay!" and rode off as fast as he could!

     

    A Duck Walks Into A Store And Say's "I'd Like Some Lip Gloss!"
    The Clerk Say's "Will That Be Cash Or Charge?"
    The Duck Say's "Just Put It On My Bill!"

     

    25 Signs that Your Getting OLD

    1. You're asleep, but others worry that you're dead.
    2. Your back goes out more than you do.
    3. You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.
    4. You buy a compass for the dash of your car/truck.
    5. You are proud of your lawn mower.
    6. Your best friend is dating someone half their age, and isn't breaking any laws.
    7. Your arms are almost too short to read the newspaper.
    8. You sing along with the elevator music.
    9. You would rather go to work than stay home sick.
    10. You enjoy hearing about other people's operations.
    11. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
    12. People call at 9:00 p.m. and ask, "Did I wake you?"
    13. You answer a question with, "Because I said so."
    14. You send money to PBS.
    15. The end of your tie doesn't come anywhere near the top of your pants.
    16. You take a metal detector to the beach.
    17. You know what the word "equity" means.
    18. You can't remember the last time you laid on the floor to watch television.
    19. Your ears are hairier than your head.
    20. You talk about "good grass" and you're referring to someone's lawn.
    21. You get into a heated argument about pension plans.
    22. You got cable for The Weather Channel.
    23. You can go bowling without drinking.
    24. You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.
    25. People send you this list.

     

    Two Prostitutes

    Two prostitutes were riding around town with a sign on top of their car which said, "TWO PROSTITUTES.......$50.00." A policeman, seeing the sign, stopped them and told them they'd either have to remove the sign or go to jail. Just at that time, another car passed with a sign saying, "JESUS SAVES."

    They asked the cop why he let the other car go and he said, "Well, that's a little different, it pertains to religion." So the two ladies took their sign down and took off.

    The following day found the same cop in the area when he noticed the two ladies driving around with a large sign on their car again. Figuring he had an easy bust, he began to catch up with them when he noticed the new sign which read...

    "TWO ANGELS SEEKING PETER...$50.00."

     

    The Contest

    Two law partners hire a cute young secretary and decide to have a contest to see who can fuck her first, even though they're both already married.

    Eventually one of them scores with her and his partner is quite eager to hear how things went. "So what did you think?" he asks.

    "Ahh," replies the first lawyer, "my wife is better."

    Some time goes by, and the second lawyer also gets his chance to boink the secretary. "So, what did you think?" inquires the first lawyer

    To which the second lawyer replies, "You were right!"

     

    Out of Gas

    Two nuns were driving down a country road when they ran out of gas. They walked to a farmhouse and a farmer gave them some gasoline; but the only container he had was an old bedpan.

    The nuns were happy to take whatever they were offered and returned to their car. As they were pouring the gasoline from the bedpan into the tank of their car, a minister drove by.

    He stopped, rolled down his window and said, "Excuse me, sisters. I'm not of your religion, but I couldn't help but admire your faith!"

     

    Blue Cross

    An eighty-three year old lady finished her annual physical examination whereupon the doctor said "You are in fine shape for your age, but tell me... do you still have intercourse?"

    "Just a minute, I'll have to ask my husband," she said.

    She went out to the reception room and said: " Morris, do we still have intercourse?"

    Morris answered impatiently... "If I told you once I told you a thousand times... We have Blue Cross !!"

     

    Talking In Your Sleep

    The racing-car driver picked up a girl after a race, went home with her and took her to bed. He fell asleep only to be awakened suddenly when she smacked him in the face.

    "What's the matter?! Didn't I satisfy you when we screwed?" he asked.

    "It was after you fell asleep that got you into trouble," said the angry woman. "In your sleep, you felt my tits and mumbled, 'What perfect headlights.' Then you felt my thighs and murmured, 'what a smooth finish.'"

    "What's wrong with that?" asked the driver.

    "Nothing, but then you felt my pussy and yelled, 'who the hell left the garage door open?'"

     

    Speeding

    Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a State Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 MPH. He thinks to himself, "This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!" So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over.

    Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies -- two in the front seat and three in the back - eyes wide and white as ghosts.

    The driver, obviously confused, says to him, "Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?"

    "Ma'am," the officer replies, "You weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers."

    "Slower than the speed limit?" she asked. No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly... Twenty-Two miles an hour!" the old woman says a bit proudly. The State Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that "22" was the route number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error.

    "But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask... Is everyone in this car ok?
    These women seem awfully shaken and they haven't muttered a single peep this whole time." the officer asks.

    "Oh, they'll be alright in a minute officer. We just got off Route 119."

     

    Why were Adam and Eve so happy?
    They didn't have in-laws.

     

    Why do they bury Attorney's 10 feet under.
    Because deep down they're really good people.

     

    It doesn't matter what temperature a room is, it's always room temperature.

     

    Q and A

    Q: What does a redneck girl say after sex for the first time?
    A: "Get off me, daddy! Yore crushin' mah cigerettes!"

    Q: How do you make a dead joe float?
    A: Take your foot off his head.

    Q. Why did the turtle cross the road?
    A. To get to the SHELL Station

    Q: How do you know if you see Ronald McDonald at the beach?
    A: He's the only one with the sesame seed buns.

     

    Personal Ads

    Most people have at least once in their lives, read through the singles classified ads. Perhaps wondering what type of person is behind the ad. Maybe some of you have even answered some of them.

    Well for those of you that have tried to figure out what those descriptions really mean, one of our subscribers has done it for you!

    The real meaning behind the abbreviations in personal ads: 


    FIRST THE ADS FROM WOMEN
    

    
40-ish.................. 48

    
Adventurer.............. Has had more partners than you ever will

    
Athletic................ Flat-chested

    
Average looking......... Ugly

    
Beautiful............... Pathological liar

    
Contagious Smile........ Bring your penicillin

    
Educated................ College dropout

    
Emotionally Secure...... Medicated

    
Feminist................ Fat; ball buster

    
Free spirit............. Substance user

    
Friendship first........ Trying to live down reputation as slut

    
Fun..................... Annoying

    
Gentle.................. Comatose

    
Good Listener........... Borderline Autistic

    
New-Age................. All body hair, all the time

    
Old-fashioned........... Lights out, missionary position only

    
Open-minded............. Desperate

    
Outgoing................ Loud

    
Passionate.............. Loud

    
Poet.................... Depressive Schzophrenic

    
Professional............ Real Witch

    
Redhead................. Shops the Clairol section

    
Reubenesque............. Grossly Fat

    
Romantic................ Looks better by candle light

    
Voluptuous.............. Very Fat

    
Weight proportional
    
to height............... Hugely Fat

    
Wants Soulmate.......... One step away from stalking

    
Widow................... Nagged first husband to death

    
Young at heart.......... Toothless crone



    


    THE MALE SIDE OF THE LIST
    

    
40-ish.................. 52 and looking for 25-yr-old

    
Athletic................ Sits on the couch and watches ESPN

    
Average looking......... Unusual hair growth on ears, nose, & back

    
Educated................ Will always treat you like an idiot

    
Free Spirit............. Sleeps with your sister

    
Friendship first........ As long as friendship involves nudity

    
Fun..................... Good with a remote and a six pack

    
Good looking............ Arrogant

    
Honest.................. Pathological Liar

    
Huggable................ Overweight, more body hair than a bear

    
Like to cuddle.......... Insecure, overly dependent

    
Mature.................. Until you get to know him

    
Open-minded............. Wants to sleep with your sister but she's not interested

    
Physically fit.......... I spend a lot of time in front of a mirror admiring myself

    
Poet.................... Has written on a bathroom stall

    
Spiritual............... Once went to church with his grandmother on Easter Sunday

    
Stable.................. Occasional stalker, but never arrested

    
Thoughtful.............. Says "Please" when demanding a beer


    
Well there you have it, truth in advertising!

     

    Pick-up lines

    1. I'm no glass of milk but I can still do your body good.

    2. Do you believe in love at first sight or do I have to walk by you again?

    3. Excuse me, I seem to have lost my number, can I have yours?

    4. Guy: You must be jamaican! -- Girl: Why? -- Guy: 'Cause jamaican me crazy.

    5. Girl: Don't look at me like your mother never fed you!

    6. You don't sweat much for a fat chick.

    7. Guy: Hey baby, what's your sign? -- Girl: Exit, you should try it?

    8. Someone better call the cops cause it's got to be illegal to be that good looking!

    9. Excuse me do you have a library 'cause I would like to check you out!

    10. You know women are like parking spots all the good ones are taken and the rest are handicapped, which are you?

    11. Guy: What winks & screws like a tiger? -- Girl: What? -- Guy: (wink at her)

     

    And now, MORE ways to annoy the person next to you in a public library

    1. Instead of a laptop, bring your entire computer!
    2. While working at a laptop, suddenly stand up, and announce to every one, "I have mail!"
    3. Start staring at the person, and when you have their attention, announce, "I measure sock by thickness!"
    4. Turn to the person next to you, and ask them to pronounce their name backwards. When they ask you why, tell them that you are looking for hidden messages.
    5. State proudly that you have been to the ‘other’ side. Give no explanation.
    6. Suddenly grasp your heart, let out a wail, and fall to the ground. Then get back up like nothing happened.
    7. Collapse on the floor. Then get up like nothing happened. When the person next to asked what is wrong, look at him/her with an inquiring look on your face, and say, "What do you mean?"
    8. Say, "It always starts so weird, and they do it so weird." When they ask, "What?" say, "Ohh, sorry. I’m back now."
    9. Start telling a VERY strange story, then half way through say, "Never mind."
    10. Turn to them and while pointing your fingers at them as if you were electrocuting them, say, "BUZZ! BUZZ!..."
    11. Start arguing with yourself. When they ask you who you are talking to, say, "Your just jealous ‘cause the voices are talking to ME!"
    12. Say, "Who’s Freddie?" Then act like you didn’t say anything.
    13. Say, "Argh! My central nervous system in shot! Quick! Give me blue china!"

     

    Quick Wit

    A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street.

    "But officer." the man began, "I can explain".

    "Just be quiet," snapped the officer.  "I'm going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back..."

    "But officer, I just wanted to say...."

    "And I said to keep quiet!  You're going to jail!"

    A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, "Lucky for you that the chief is at his daughter's wedding. He'll be in a good mood when he gets back."

    "Don't count on it," answered the fellow in the cell. "I'm the groom."

     

    The 10 Commandments of Email

    1. Thou shalt include a clear and specific subject line.

    2. Thou shalt edit any quoted text down to the minimum thou needest.

    3. Thou shalt read thine own message thrice before thou sendest it.

    4. Thou shalt ponder how thy recipient might react to thy message.

    5. Thou shalt check thy spelling and thy grammar.

    6. Thou shalt not curse, flame, spam or USE ALL CAPS.

    7. Thou shalt not forward any chain letter.

    8. Thou shalt not use e-mail for any illegal or unethical purpose.

    9. Thou shalt not rely on the privacy of e-mail, especially from work.

    10. When in doubt, save thy message overnight and reread it in the light of the dawn.

    And, here's the "Golden Rule" of E-Mail:

    • That which thou findest hateful to receive, sendest thou not unto others.

     

    Crappy Greeting Cards

    1. You wrecked your car
      and don't remember why.
      Could have been...
      That case of bud dry!

    2. My tire was thumping.
      I thought it was flat.
      When I stopped to look...
      I noticed your cat.

    3. Your computer is dead.
      It once was first-rate.
      Don't you regret buying...
      Windows 98?

    4. Your dog is dead.
      So sorry to hear
      He was chasing cars...
      And caught a semi in the rear.

    5. Heard your wife left you.
      How upset you must be.
      Well don't worry about her...
      She moved in with me!

     

    Dixie Pride

    A bus driver is conducting a tour of famous Civil War battle sites. "Here," he points out at one spot, "is where the Southern troops routed a whole regiment of Yankees.  Over there, the Rebs wiped out a whole platoon of Yanks.  Down about a mile, there's another valley where we captured a thousand Union soldiers."

    A tourist says, "Didn't the North ever win a battle?"

    "Yes ma'am.  But not while I'm driving this bus."

     

    Subject: Letter

    Someone who teaches at a Middle School in Safety Harbor, Florida forwarded the following letter. The letter was sent to the principal's office after the school had sponsored a luncheon for the elderly. This story is a credit to all human kind. Read it and forward it to all those who think could use a lift. It's a heartwarming story...

    Dear Safety Harbor Middle School:
    God blesses you for the beautiful radio I won at your recent senior citizen's luncheon. I am 84 years old and live at the Safety Harbor Assisted Home for the Aged.
    All of my family has passed away. It's nice to know that someone really thinks of me. God blesses you for your kindness to an old, forgotten lady. My roommate is 95 and always had her own radio, but would never let me listen to it, even when she was napping. The other day her radio fell off the night stand and broke into a lot of pieces. It was awful and she was in tears. She asked if she could listen to mine, and I said fuck you.

     

    Passengers On A Plane

    A man and a woman are riding next to each other in first class on a plane. The woman sneezes, then takes a tissue and gently wipes it between her legs. The man isn't sure he saw what she did, and decides he is probably hallucinating.

    A few minutes pass. The woman sneezes again. She takes a tissue and gently wipes it between her legs. The man is about to go nuts. He can't believe that he's seeing what he's seeing.

    A few more minutes pass. The woman sneezes yet again. She takes a tissue and gently wipes it between her legs yet again. The man has finally had all he can handle. He turns to the woman and says, "Three times you've sneezed, and three times you've taken a tissue and wiped it between your legs! What kind of signals are you sending me, or are you just trying to drive me crazy?"

    The woman replies, " I am sorry to have disturbed you, sir.
    I have a rare condition such that when I sneeze, I have an orgasm."
    The man, now feeling badly, says, "Oh, I'm sorry. What are you taking for it?"

    The woman looks at him and says, "Pepper."

     

    A Moral Question

    Often, it is good practice to imagine a moral question, an imaginary situation, decide what you would do in that situation, and discuss the ramifications of the question and your actions with good friends. With your indulgence, I'd like to pose just such a hypothetical situation, and get some reactions.

    The situation: You are in the Midwest, and there is a huge flood in progress. Many homes have been lost, water supplies compromised, and infrastructure destroyed. Let's say you're a photographer out getting still photos for a news service, traveling alone, looking for particularly poignant scenes. If you were to stumble across George W. Bush struggling to keep from being swept away in a raging river and you had a choice of rescuing him or getting a Pulitzer prize-winning photograph of the death of a President... What shutter speed would you use?

     

    WARNING - Beer Advisory

    On October 21st 1999, scientists for Health Canada suggested that men should monitor their beer consumption. This study was precipitated by a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer.

    The theory implied that drinking beer turns men into women. To test the theory, scientists fed 100 men six pints of beer each. They then observed the men and their actions. Their conclusions were that 100 percent of men gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became overly emotional, couldn't drive, failed to think rationally, argued over nothing, and refused to apologize when proven wrong. No further testing is planned.

     

    Monica's Wish

    Monica Lewinsky was walking along the beach and kicked an old bottle. She said, "Hey, this looks like a genie in a bottle." So she rubbed it three times and a genie came out.

    Monica asked, "Do I get three wishes?"

    The genie said, "No, you have been a naughty girl so you only get one wish so make it good."

    Monica thought long and hard and said, "Hmm, I wish my lovehandles would disappear."

    So the genie blinked and Monicas ears fell off.

     

    More Little Known Facts

    • A Saudi Arabian woman can get a divorce if her husband doesn't give her coffee.
    • A shark can detect one part of blood in 100 million parts of water.
    • A whale's penis is called a dork.
    • The 57 on Heinz ketchup bottle represents the number of ingredients in the sauce.
    • A rat can last longer without water than a camel.
    • Your stomach has to produce a new layer of mucus every two weeks otherwise it will digest itself.
    • The dot over the letter 'i' is called a tittle.
    • A raisin dropped in a glass of fresh champagne will bounce up and down continually from the bottom of the glass to the top.
    • A pig's orgasm lasts for 30 minutes.
    • A person cannot taste food unless it is mixed with saliva. For example, if a strong tasting substance like salt is placed on a dry tongue, the taste buds will not be able to taste it. As soon as a drop of saliva is added and the salt is dissolved, however, a definite taste sensation results. This is true for all foods. Try it!
    • A male emperor moth can smell a female emperor moth up to 7 miles away.
    • George Washington grew marijuana in his garden.
    • Some insects can live up to a year without their heads.
    • Sylvia Miles had the shortest performance ever nominated for an Oscar with Midnight Cowboy.Her entire role lasted only six minutes.
    • A giraffe can clean its ears with its 21-inch tongue!
    • A female ferret will die if it goes into heat and cannot find a mate.
    • In Lebonon it is legal to have sex with a female animal, but illegal with a male one.
    • 40% of McDonald's profits come from the sales of Happy Meals.
    • Every person has a unique tongue print.
    • The 'spot' on 7UP comes from its inventor who had red eyes. He was albino.
    • Every night, wasps bite into the stem of a plant, lock their mandibles (jaws) into position, stretch out at right angles to the stem, and, with legs dangling, fall asleep.
    • During the chariot scene in 'Ben Hur' a small red car can be seen in the distance.
    • Einstein couldn't speak fluently when he was nine. His parents thought he might be retarded.
    • On average, 12 newborns will be given to the wrong parents daily.
    • John Wilkes Booth's brother once saved the life of Abraham Lincoln's son.
    • Warren Beatty and Shirley MacLaine are brother and sister.
    • Chocolate kills dogs! True, chocolate effects a dogs heart and nervous system, a few ounces is enough to kill a small sized dog.
    • Daniel Boone detested coonskin caps.
    • Money isn't made out of paper, it's made out of cotton. Before the 1950's it was made from Hemp. The stem and leaves on a marijuana plant.
    • Most lipstick contains fish scales.
    • Orcas (killer whales) kill sharks by torpedoing up into the shark's stomach from underneath, causing the shark to explode.
    • Donald Duck comics were banned from Finland because he doesn't wear pants.
    • Ketchup was sold in the 1830s as medicine.
    • Leonardo da Vinci could write with one hand and draw with the other at the same time.
    • Because metal was scarce, the Oscars given out during World War II were made of wood.
    • The number of possible ways of playing the first four moves per side in a game of chess is 318,979,564,000.
    • Both Hitler and Napoleon were missing one testicle.
    • Upper and lower case letters are named 'upper' and 'lower', because in the time when all original print had to be set in individual letters, the 'upper case' letters were stored in the case on top of the case that stored the smaller, 'lower case' letters.
    • There are no clocks in Las Vegas gambling casinos.
    • There are no words in the dictionary that rhyme with: orange, purple, and silver!
    • The numbers '172' can be found on the back of the U.S. $5 dollar bill in the bushes at the base of the Lincoln Memorial.
    • The name Wendy was made up for the book Peter Pan, there was never a recorded Wendy before!
    • Leonardo Da Vinci invented scissors, also, it took him 10 years to paint Mona Lisa's lips.
    • Bruce Lee was so fast that they actually had to SLOW a film down so you could see his moves. That's the opposite of the norm.
    • Bubble gum contains rubber.
    • Human birth control pills work on gorillas.
    • The first CD pressed in the US was Bruce Springsteen's 'Born in the USA.'
    • By raising your legs slowly and laying on your back, you can't sink in quicksand.
    • Casey Kasem is the voice of Shaggy on Scooby-Doo.
    • Cat's urine glows under a black light.
    • Celery has negative calories! It takes more calories to eat a piece of celery than the celery has in it to begin with.
    • In India it costs less to have sex with a prostitute than it does to buy a condom.
    • Chewing gum while peeling onions will keep you from crying!
    • An elephant can smell water three miles away.
    • Guinness Book of Records holds the record for being the book most often stolen from Public Libraries.
    • Astronauts are not allowed to eat beans before they go into space because passing wind in a spacesuit damages them.
    • Babe Ruth wore a cabbage leaf under his cap to keep him cool! He changed it every 2 innings!
    • Bats always turn left when exiting a cave!

     

    The New Priest

    A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip." So the next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice.

    At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon return to his office after mass, he found the following note on his door:

    1. Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.
    2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
    3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.
    4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
    5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
    6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
    7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior, and Spook.
    8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.
    9. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.
    10. We do not refer to the cross as the Big T!
    11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it, for it is my body", he did not say, "Eat me!"
    12. The Virgin Mary is not referred to as the, "Mary with the Cherry."
    13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: "Rub-A-dub-dub, thanks for the grub, yeah God."
    14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy-pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a peter-pulling contest at St. Taffy's.

     

    Gotta Go

    An American tourist in Moscow found himself needing to take a leak very badly. After a long search he just couldn't find anyplace to relieve himself. So he just went down one of the side streets to take care of business.

    Before he could even get unzipped a Moscow police officer said, "Hey you, what are you doing?"

    "I gotta go, man," replied the tourist.

    "You can't go here. Look, follow me," the policeman offered.

    The police officer led him to a beautiful garden with lots of grass, pretty flowers, and manicured hedges. "Here," said the cop, "whiz away." The American shrugs, turns, unzips, and starts right on the flowers. "Ahhh. Whew. Thanks. This is very nice of you. Is this Russian courtesy?" asked the tourist.

    "No. This is the American Embassy."

     

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