FORREST GUMP & ANDY

The day finally arrived. Forrest Gump dies and goes to Heaven. He is at the Pearly Gates, met by St. Peter himself. However, the gates are closed, and Forrest approaches the gatekeeper.

St. Peter said, "Well, Forrest, it is certainly good to see you. We have heard a lot about you I must tell you, though, that the place is filling up fast, and we have been administering an entrance examination for everyone. The test is short, but you have to pass it before you can get into Heaven."

Forrest responds, "It sure is good to be here, St. Peter, sir. But nobody ever told me about any entrance exam. I sure hope that the test ain't too hard. Life was a big enough test as it was."

St. Peter continued, "Yes, I know, Forrest, but the test is only three questions.

First: What two days of the week begin with the letter T?

Second: How many seconds are there in a year?

Third: What is God's first name?"

Forrest leaves to think the questions over. He returns the next day and sees St. Peter, who waves him up, and says, "Now that you have had a chance to think the questions over, tell me your answers"

Forrest replied, "Well, the first one -- which two days in the week begins with the letter "T"? Shucks, that one is easy. That would be Today and Tomorrow."

The Saint's eyes opened wide and he exclaimed, "Forrest, that is not what I was thinking, but you do have a point, and I guess I did not specify, so I will give you credit for that answer. How about the next one?" asked St. Peter.

"How many seconds in a year? Now that one is harder," replied Forrest, but I thunk and thunk about that, and I guess the only answer can be twelve."

Astounded, St. Peter said, "Twelve? Twelve? Forrest, how in Heaven's name could you come up with twelve seconds in a year?"

Forrest replied, "Shucks, there's got to be twelve: January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd... "

"Hold it," interrupts St. Peter. "I see where you are going with this, and I see your point, though that was not quite what I had in mind....but I will have to give you credit for that one, too. Let us go on with the third and final question. Can you tell me God's first name"?

"Sure," Forrest replied, "it's Andy."

"Andy?" exclaimed an exasperated and frustrated St Peter.

"Ok, I can understand how you came up with your answers to my first two questions, but just how in the world did you come up with the name Andy as the first name of God?"

"Shucks, that was the easiest one of all," Forrest replied. "I learnt it from the song, "ANDY WALKS WITH ME, ANDY TALKS WITH ME, ANDY TELLS ME I AM HIS OWN."

St. Peter opened the Pearly Gates, and said: "Run Forrest, run."

A Day At The Beach

A man with no arms and no legs is lying on the beach when three luscious blondes walk past.

The first says: "Oh you poor man! Have you ever been kissed?" The man shakes his head, and the girl bends down and gives him a long lingering kiss.

The second says: "Have you ever had a blow job?" The man again shakes his head. So the girl bends down and gives him a fantastic blow job.

The third blonde says: "Have you ever been fucked?" The man shakes his head vigorously. So the girl turns around and says: "Well, you are now, cuz the tide's coming in!"

Grab My Breasts

A woman went into a department store and told the clerk that she wanted to return a toaster for refund because it didn't work. The clerk told her that he couldn't give her a refund because she bought it on special.

All of a sudden the woman threw her arms up and yelled, "Grab my Breasts! Grab my breasts!"

The clerk didn't know what to do, so he called the store manager who asked her if he can help.

She explained that she wanted to return the nonworking toaster for refund, and he told her that he would not give her a refund because she bought the toaster on special.

Once again she yelled, "Grab my breasts! Grab my breasts!"

The manager was taken aback and asked her why she was yelling that particular phrase.

She replied, "Because I like my breasts grabbed when I'm getting screwed!"

Whales

Two whales were swimming in the bay when they noticed the whaling boat that killed and harpooned their brother. The first whale says to the second whale, "Hey there is that boat that killed and harpooned our brother. Let's go swim underneath the boat, blow out of our blowholes and then the boat will tip over, and all the fisherman will drown in the icy sea!!"

The second whale agrees, so they begin to get their revenge. They swim under the boat, blow out their blowholes, and sure enough, the boat capsizes and all the fisherman begin to drown. The first whale turns to the second and says, "Now I know what we'll do. We'll swim around and eat up all these fisherman to really get back at them!"

The second whale turns to his brother and says, "I don't think so; I may do blowjobs, but I don't swallow sea men."

The Hunter

A big game hunter walked into the bar and bragged to everyone about his skills as a hunter. The man was undoubtedly a good shot and no one could dispute that. But then he said that they could blindfold him and he would recognize any animal's skin from its feel, and if he could locate the bullet hole he would even tell them what caliber rifle was used to shoot it.

This was a bit too much for the other customers, and soon a heated argument was going on. Then the hunter said that he was willing to prove it if they would put up the drinks, and the bet was on. They blindfolded him carefully and took him to his first animal skin.

After feeling it for a few moments, he announced, "Spring buck." Then he felt for the bullet hole and declared, "Shot with a .22 rifle."

The others could not believe it, he was right, and the argument was even hotter than before. When some started to suggest that he must have peeked, he said that he was prepared to do it again. He would put up all the drinks they had bought before against them buying another round for him.

So they blindfolded him again, very thoroughly this time, and they brought a skin that someone happened to have in their car. He took a bit longer this time and then said, "Kalahari Lion" and fingering the bullet hole said, "and the rifle was a .308," which of course he was right. This, of course, was like throwing fat on the fire, and he had to prove his skills over and over again, every time against a round of drinks. Finally he staggered home, stoned out of his mind, and went to sleep.

The next morning he got up and saw in the mirror that he had one heck of a shiner. So he said to his wife, "Listen, I know I was drunk last night, but not too drunk to know that I did not fight anyone in that bar. So where did I get this black eye?"

His wife replied angrily, "From me, of course."

"But what did I do?" he asked. She replied, "You got into bed and put your hand down my panties. Then you fiddled around a bit and announced in a triumphant tone: "Skunk, killed with an ax.

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Doggy Style

Two buddies were sharing drinks while discussing their wives.

"Do you and your wife ever do it doggy style?" asked the one.

"Well... not exactly." his friend replied, "She's more into the trick dog aspect of it."

"Oh, I see, kinky, huh?"

"Well... not exactly...."

"I sit up and beg and she rolls over and plays dead."

5 Kinds of Sex

1. The first is Smurf Sex. This happens during the honeymoon period, you both keep doing it until you're blue in the face.
2. The second is Kitchen Sex. This is at the beginning of the marriage, you'll have sex anywhere, anytime, even in the kitchen.
3. The third kind is Bedroom Sex. You've calmed down a bit, perhaps have kids, so you gotta do it in the bedroom.
4. The fourth kind is Hallway Sex. This is where you pass each other in the hallway and say, "Fuck you!"
5. There is also a fifth kind of sex: Courtroom Sex. This is when you get divorced and your wife screws you in front of everyone in the room...

Who enjoys sex more?

A man and a woman were having drinks when they got into an argument about who enjoys sex more. The man said, "Men obviously enjoy sex more than women. Why do you think we're so obsessed with getting laid?"

"That doesn't prove anything," the woman countered. "Think about this: When your ear itches and you put your little finger in it and wiggle it around, then pull it out, which feels better, your ear or your finger?"

24 Hours To Live

A man returns from the doctor and tells his wife that the doctor has told him he has only 24 hours to live. Given this prognosis, the man asks his wife for sex. Naturally, she agrees, and they make love.

About six hours later, the husband goes to his wife and says, "Honey, you know I now have only 18 hours to live. Could we please do it one more time?" Of course, the wife agrees, and they do it again.

Later, as the man gets into bed, he looks at his watch and realizes that he now has only 8 hours left. He touches his wife shoulder, and asks, "Honey, please ... just one more time before I die." She says, "Of course, Dear," and they make love for the third time.

After this session, the wife rolls over and falls asleep. The man, however, worried about his impending death, tosses and turns, until he's down to 4 more hours. He taps his wife, who rouses. "Honey, I have only 4 more hours. Do you think we could..."

At this point the wife sits up and says, "Listen, I have to get up in the morning. You don't!"

Little Joey

Little Joey, at the back of the class, was squirming in his chair, not paying any attention to what was being taught. The teacher, Miss Wanda, approached him to find out what the problem was. Quite embarrassed, Joey whispered that he had just been circumcised, and he was quite itchy. Miss Wanda sent him to the principal's office to phone his mom and ask her what to do about it. After making the phone call, little Joey returned to class and sat down.

All of a sudden, there was quite a commotion in the back of the room. The classmates around Joey were all laughing and giggling. Miss Wanda walked to the back of the class to see what was causing the disturbance. The teacher glanced over at Joey... He was sitting at his desk with his penis hanging out.

Miss Wanda was shocked at the sight: "What are you doing?" she gasped. "I thought I told you to call your mother!"

"I did," replied Joey. "My Mom told me that if I could stick it out till noon, she'd come and pick me up from school."

You Know You're Trailer Trash When...

1. The Halloween pumpkin on your front porch has more teeth than your spouse.
2. You let your twelve-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.
3. You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.
4. Jack Daniel's makes your list of "Most Admired People."
5. You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.
6. Anyone in your family ever died right after saying, "Hey, watch this"
7. You've got more than one brother named, "Darryl."
8. You go to your family reunion looking for a date.
9. Your Junior/Senior Prom had a Day care.
10. You think the last words to The Star Spangled Banner are, "Gentlemen, start your engines."
11. You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels.
12. You have flowers planted in a bathroom fixture in your front yard.
13. Ya can't get married to yer sweetheart 'cause there's a law against it.
14. You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.
15. Your toilet paper has page numbers on it.

Jock vs. Nerd

The answer to the eternal question "Is it better to be a jock or a nerd?"

Michael Jordan made over $300,000 a game. That equals $10,000 a minute, at an average 30 minutes per game.

With $40 million in endorsements, he makes $178,100 a day, working or not.

If he sleeps 7 hours a night, he makes $52,000 every night while visions of sugarplums dance in his head.

If he goes to see a movie, it'll cost him $7.00, but he'll make $18,550 while he's there.

If he decides to have a 5 minute egg, he'll make $618 while boiling it. He makes $7,415/hr more than minimum wage.

If he wanted to save up for a new Acura NSX ($90,000) it would take him a whole 12 hours.

If you were given a penny for every 10 dollars he made, you'd be living comfortably at $65,000 a year.

This year, he'll make more than twice as much as all U.S. past presidents for all of their terms combined.

Amazing isn't it?

However, if Jordan saves 100% of his income for the next 250 years, he'll still have less than Bill Gates has today.

Game over. Nerd wins.

Rooster and a Donkey

If I have a rooster and you have a donkey and your donkey bites off my roosters feet, what do you have?

Two feet of my cock in your ass.

Jamaican Tattoo

A young man was so deeply in love that just before he was married, he had his bride's name tattooed on his penis.

Normally, only the first and last letters were visible, although when he was aroused, which was whenever she was around him, the tattoo spelled out her name:W-E-N-D-Y.

They went on their honeymoon to a resort in Montego Bay. One night, the fellow finds himself at the urinal in the men's room, standing next to a very tall Jamaican man.

He noticed, to his amazement, that this man, too, had the letters 'W-Y' tattooed on his penis.

"Excuse me," he said, "but I couldn't help noticing your tattoo. Do you also have a girlfriend named Wendy?"

The Jamaican man laughed out loud and replied, "No mon, my tattoo is for all of the young women I meet - just a minute and I'll show you what it says.....

Ya see mon....It says....

"WELCOME TO JAMAICA, HOPE YOU ENJOY YOUR STAY"

Newlyweds

A young couple were married and celebrated their first night together, doing what newlyweds do, time and time again, all night long. Morning comes and the groom goes into the bathroom but finds no towel when he emerges from the shower. He asks the bride to please bring one from the bedroom. When she gets to the bathroom door, he opened the door, exposing his body for the first time to his bride.

Her eyes went up and down and at about midway, they stopped and stared and she asked shyly, "What's that?" pointing to a small part of his anatomy.

He, also being shy, thought for a minute and then said, "Well, that's what we had so much fun with last night."

And she, in amazement, asked, "Is that all we have left?"

Dogs Life

Four men were bragging about how smart their dogs are. The first man was an Engineer, the second man was an Accountant, the third man was a Chemist, the fourth was a Government Worker.

To show off, the Engineer called to his dog. "T-square, do your stuff." T-square trotted over to a desk, took out some paper and a pen and promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle. Everyone agreed that was pretty smart.

But the Accountant said his dog could do better. He called his dog and said, "Spreadsheet, do your stuff. Spreadsheet went out into the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into four equal piles of three cookies each. Everyone agreed that was good.

But the Chemist said his dog could do better. He called his dog and said, "Measure, do your stuff." Measure got up, walked over to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces without spilling a drop. Everyone agreed that was good.

Then the three men turned to the Government Worker and said, "What can your dog do?" The Government Worker called to his dog and said, "Coffee Break, do your stuff." Coffee Break jumped to his feet, ate the cookies, drank the milk, shit on the paper, screwed the other three dogs and claimed he injured his back while doing so, filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions, put in for Workers Comp and went home for the rest of the day on sick leave.

Sex Pills

There once was a man who could not keep it going with his wife. He went to the doctor who gave him some sex pills. There was a label on the bottle that said "Take one pill for a great night." The man thought that he wanted a stupendous night so he downed the whole bottle. In the morning the neighbors came over to find the man's son sitting on the porch crying.

"What's wrong?" they said.

The boy replied, "Mom's dead, sister's pregnant, my butt hurts and dad's in the basement yelling 'here kitty"

Adjustable Face Lift

This women of forty, being a rather vain person, decided she needed a face lift. With her pocketbook as large as her ego, she went to several plastic surgeons before choosing the best money could buy.

The doctor assured her that he could make her look young for many years because of a new technique he used.

After the operation the doc told her that he had put a screw behind each ear that she could tighten as needed to keep her fresh young look.

The woman was pleased for several years until one morning when she noticed bags under her eyes. Furiously she stormed into the doctor's office demanding to know why there where bags under her eyes.

The doctor replied, "Lady those aren't bags, they're your tits, and if you don't stop turning those screws you're going to have a beard!"

Must See TV in Iraq

1. Husseinfeld
2. Mad About Everything
3. Allah McBeal
4. Wheel of Fortune and Terror
5. Achmed's Creek
6. The Price is Right If Saddam Says it's Right
7. Children Are Forbidden From Saying Darned Near Anything
8. The Brian Benben Bin Laden Show
9. Buffy the Slayer of American Imperialist Dogs
10. Suddenly Sanctions

40 Years

A man and a women were married for 40 years. When they first got married the man said "I am putting a box under the bed. You must promise never to look in it". In all their 40 years of marriage the woman never looked.

However on the afternoon of their 40th anniversary curiosity got the best of her and she lifted the lid and peeked inside. In the box were 3 empty beer cans and $1874.25 in small bills. She closed the box and put it back under the bed. Now that she knew what was in the box, she was doubly curious as to why.

That evening they were out for a special dinner at their favorite restaurant. After dinner the woman could no longer contain her curiosity and she confessed, saying: "I am so sorry. For all these years I kept my promise and never looked. However today the temptation was too much and I gave in. But now I need to know why do you keep the cans in the box?"

The man thought for a while and said: "I guess after all these wonderful years you deserve to know the truth: "Whenever I was unfaithful to you I put an empty beer can in the box under the bed to remind myself not to do it again."

The woman was shocked, but said: "I am very disappointed and saddened but I guess after all those years away from home on the road, temptation does happen and I guess that 3 times is not that bad considering the number of years involved.

They hugged and made their peace. A little while later the woman asked the man: "Why do you have all that money in the box?" To which the man answered: "Whenever the box filled with empties, I cashed them in."

Shirley

"That wife of mine is a liar," said the angry husband to a sympathetic pal seated next to him in the bar.

"How do you know?" the friend asked.

"She didn't come home last night, and when I asked her where she'd been, she said she'd spent the night with her sister, Shirley."

"So?" the friend replied.

"So, she's a liar. I spent the night with her sister Shirley!"

The Deaf Society

An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman are all to give speeches to the Deaf Society. All are keen to make an impression on their audience.

The Englishman goes first and to the surprise of his colleagues starts by rubbing first his chest and then his groin. When he finishes the Scotsman and the Irishman asked him what he was doing.

"Well" he explained, "by rubbing my chest I indicated breasts, and thus ladies; and by rubbing my groin I indicated balls, and thus gentlemen. So my speech started: 'Ladies and Gentlemen'"

On his way up to the podium the Scotsman thought to himself, 'I`ll go one better than that English barstard' and started his speech by making an antler symbol with his fingers above his head before also rubbing his chest and his groin. When he finished his colleagues asked what he was doing.

"Well" he explained, "by imitating antlers and then rubbing my chest and groin I was starting my speech by saying 'Dear Ladies and Gentlemen!'"

On his way up to the podium the Irishman thought to himself 'I`ll go one further than those mainland bastards' and started his speech by making an antler symbol above his head, rubbing his chest and his groin, and then masturbating furiously. When he finished his colleagues asked him what the hell he was doing.

"Well" he explained, "by imitating antlers, rubbing my chest and then my groin, and then masturbating I was starting my speech by saying 'Dear Ladies and Gentlemen, it gives me great pleasure...'"

May & September

A small tourist hotel was all a buzz about an afternoon wedding where the groom was 95 and the bride was 23. The groom looked pretty feeble and the feeling was that the wedding night might kill him, because his bride was a healthy, vivacious young woman.

But lo and behold, the next morning, the bride came down the main staircase slowly, step by step, hanging onto the banister for dear life. She finally managed to get to the counter of the little shop in the hotel.

The clerk looked really concerned, "Whatever happened to you, honey?

You look like you've been wrestling an alligator!"

The bride groaned, hung on to the counter and managed to speak, "Ohhh God! He told me he'd been saving up for 75 years...

I thought he meant his money!!"

The Mistake

A man staggers into an emergency room with two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat. Naturally the doctor asks him what happened.

"Well, it was like this," said the man. "I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife when she sliced her ball into a pasture of cows. We went to look for it and while I was rooting around, I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end. I walked over and lifted up the tail and sure enough, there was my wife's golf ball... stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt. That's when I made my mistake."

"What did you do?", asks the doctor.

Well, I lifted the tail and yelled to my wife, "Hey, this looks like yours!"

J. D.

These three women were sitting around one night talking about their boyfriends when they decided they would give their men nicknames based on kinds of soda.

The first woman said: "I'm gonna call Tom 'Mountain Dew' because he is as strong as a mountain and always wants to do it!"

The second woman said: "I'm gonna call Bruce '7-Up' because he has seven inches and it is always up!"

The third woman said: "I'm gonna call my man 'Jack Daniels'.

The other two women responded: "'Jack Daniels'? But that's a hard liquor."

The third woman replied: "THAT'S MY LEROY!"

Gunney Dick

A Marine Corps Gunnery Sergeant walks into a whore house and approaches the madam and says, "Ma'am, my name is Gunnery Sergeant Dick and I'm here for a woman!" The madam immediately escorts the Sergeant upstairs and selects the best call girl they have for him. Gunney Dick immediately disrobes and is standing with his hands on his hips while he looks at the prostitute awaiting him on the bed.

He then says," My name is Gunnery Sergeant Dick, been in the God-lovin' Corps for thirty years, and I'm a master of my mind and body. DICK, ATTEN-SHUN!" Immediately, his penis becomes fully erect. The prostitute is in awe and asks him how he can do that. Gunney Dick replies, "Like I said, I've been in the United States Marine Corps thirty years, and I'm a master of my mind and body. DICK, AT EASE!" His penis immediately becomes flaccid.

The prostitute still can't get over the control he has and asks him for another demonstration. Gunney Dick says, "DICK, ATTEN-SHUN!" He sports a raging hard-on once again and the follows this display of prowess with the command of "DICK, AT EASE." His penis goes limp once more.

The prostitute still can't believe her eyes and asks for the demonstration yet again. Gunney Dick shouts, "DICK, ATTEN-SHUN!" His penis becomes immediately erect on command again. And then gives the following standard command, "DICK, AT EASE." Gunney Dick looks down, and to his amazement, his penis is still hard. He then says, "Apparently you didn't hear me, soldier! DICK, AT EASE!" Still, his penis is still fully erect. The Gunney is now fuming and says, "I'm going to tell you one more time, Mister! DICK, AT EASE!" Still no joy, his penis is still rock hard. Gunney yells "Shit" and moves to the side of the bed and starts to masturbate vigorously.

The prostitute, puzzled, asks "What the hell is going on?" Gunney Dick replies, "This soldier disobeyed a direct order and I'm giving him a dishonorable discharge!!!"

Software Mates

The software engineering field is staffed primarily by men; the ratio of male to female software engineers is on the order of 15 to 1. This makes it pretty easy for women to find potential mates among their peers., software types have a well-earned reputation for being a little strange.

While discussing the prospect of working in the software industry, one woman commented to another: "The odds are good, but the goods are odd."

A Glass Of Milk

Somebody left a glass of milk next to the keyboard. Reaction?

Optimist: The glass is half full.
Pessimist: The glass is half empty.
Futurist: The milk's in the wrong half of the glass.
Pascal programmers: Well, what type of milk is it?
C Programmers: No thanks; I drink straight from the jug.
Assembly programmers: No thanks; I drink straight from the cow.
Basic programmers: No thanks; I'm still breast feeding.
MIS: I'll drink it if you can give me until next year.
Fuzzy logic guys: I may or may not have drunk some part of that milk.
Prolog programmers: I know I drank it - just don't ask me how.
Non-procedural language programmers: I drank it when nobody was looking.
UI designers: What's that crap in my glass?
Pentium users: I drank Glass * .49999999 . . . but don't hold me to that.
Windows users: Where's my straw?
Mac users: Where's my pump?
UNIX users: Nahh . . . too easy.

The Test

Two young engineers applied for a single position at a computer company. They both had the same qualifications. In order to determine which individual to hire, the applicants were asked to take a test by the Department manager.

Upon completion of the test, both men missed only one of the questions. The manager went to the first applicant and said, "Thank you for your interest, but we've decided to give the job to the other applicant."

"And why would you be doing that? We both got 9 questions correct," asked the rejected applicant.

"We have based our decision not on the correct answers, but on the question you missed," said the Department manager.

"And just how would one incorrect answer be better than the other?" the rejected applicant inquired.

"Simple," said the Department manager, "Your fellow applicant put down on question #5, 'I don't know.'

You put down, 'Neither do I.'"

Dolphins

Did you know that dolphins are so intelligent that within only a few weeks of captivity, they can train humans to stand at the edge of the pool and throw them fish?

Things To Ponder...

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

Spotted on the back of a t-shirt worn by LAPD Bomb Squad: "If you see me running, try to keep up."

Don't you think it's unnerving that doctors call what they do "Practice"?

You have the right to remain silent anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.

A closed mouth gathers no feet.

Did you ever notice that Evian bottled water is Naive spelled backwards? Think about it...

The grass may actually be greener on the other side of the fence, but it still has to be mowed!

The Rubber Band

A young woman says to her doctor, "Doc, I'm getting married this weekend and my fiance thinks I'm a virgin. Is there anything you can do to help me?"

"Medically, not really," the doctor replies. "But try this: On your wedding night, when you're getting ready for bed slide a thick rubber band around your upper thigh. When your husband enters you, snap the rubber band and tell your husband it's your cherry popping."

On the wedding night, the new bride undresses in the bathroom and slips the rubber band around her thigh. She and her husband begin to make love. As her husband enters her she snaps the rubber band right on cue.

"What the hell was that?" the husband asks.

"That was my cherry snapping," the bride says.

"Well, snap it again," her husband yells. "It's got my balls."

Q and A

Q: What do a woman's tits and toy train sets have in common?
A: They were both originally made for kids, but Daddy always plays with them!

Q: Why did Michael Jackson send $5,000 to Boyz II Men?
A: He thought they were a delivery service!

Q: How can you tell if you're extremely ugly?
A: When a dog humps your leg and keeps it's eyes closed.

Q: What's worse than eating your Grandmother's pussy?
A: Banging your head on the coffin lid!

The First Bitch

The President and Mrs. Clinton are in the front row at a Yankees game. The row behind them is taken up with Secret Service agents. One of them leans over and whispers in the President's ear. Mr. Clinton pauses, then grabs Hillary by the scruff of the neck and heaves her over the wall! She falls 10 feet to the top of the dug out, kicking and screaming obscenities.

The President shakes hands of those near him and gets high fives. The Secret Service agent leans over again and whispers, "Mr. President, I said, they want you to throw out the first PITCH!"

Stationery

While vacationing in the hills of Alabama, a businessman discovers he has no writing paper for his personal correspondence. So he goes into a small town nearby and finds only an old-fashioned country store. Behind the counter is a really nice-looking young lass, obviously a local farm girl. She looks him up and down, as if she's sizing him up.

After checking the shelves, he turns to her and asks: "Do you keep stationery?"

"Only until I have an orgasm," she says. "Then I just go wild and crazy!"

Irish Whiskey

An Irish guy goes into a bar and asks the barkeep for 3 shots of Irish whiskey. The barkeep proceeds to pour 3 shots into a glass. The Irishman says "no, no, no...I want 3 shots in 3 seperate glasses!"

The barkeep obligies and pours 3 shots in 3 glasses. The Irishman drinks them down , pays for the booze and leaves the bar. This goes on everyday for weeks, so the barkeep asks "why the 3 shots in the 3 glasses?"

The Irishman replies "Well, I have 2 brothers back in Dublin and if I have 3 shots in three different glasses, I feel that we are drinking together." Touched by the sentiment, the barkeep gladly pours 3 more drinks for the Irishman.

Months pass and one day the Irishman comes into the bar and only orders 2 shots. Stunned, the barkeep offers his condolences to the Irishman for the death of one of his brothers.

The Irishman says "Oh no, nobody died...I just quit drinking!"

The Old Fart

A stuffy old lady is with one of her lunching friends in a ritzy restaurant. Suddenly, as the waiter is serving the main course, the stuffy old lady cuts a roaring, rotten-egg-smelling fart.

Trying to shift the blame onto an innocent bystander, the stuffy old lady turns to the waiter and shouts: "Sir! I demand that you stop it, this instant!"

"Certainly, madame," replies the waiter as he looks around the room. "Which way did it go?"

The Shave

A man goes to the barber shop for a shave. While the barber is foaming him up, he mentions the problems he has getting a good, close shave around the cheeks.

"I have just the thing," says the barber, taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer.

"Just place this between your cheek and gum."

The client places the ball in his mouth and the barber proceeds with the closest shave the man has ever experienced. After a few strokes, the client asks: "What happens if I swallow it?"

"No problem," says the barber. "Happens all the time! Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does."

Shakespeare

William Shakespeare dies and goes to heaven. There he meets St. Peter, who asks him "what is your name and what were you in the past life?" Shakespeare says, "I'm William Shakespeare and I was a poet."

At the same time, a scottish poet, Robbie Burns dies, and he goes to heaven. St. Peter asks him, "what is your name and what were you in your past life?" Burns says, "I'm Robbie Burns and I was a poet."

St. Peter then says "well, we only have room for one poet in heaven, so we will have a contest! Whoever can write a better poem, gets in! The topic will be Timbuctoo, and you will both have one hour to complete the poems." So after one hour, they come back, and Shakespeare goes first, "As I walk across the golden sands, as I walk across the golden land, a great big ship comes in to view, It's destination Timbuctoo."

St. Peter says, "Okay, now we will hear Burns' poem"

Burns says, "As Tim and I a walking went, we saw three damsels by a tent, as they were three and we were two, I bucked one and Tim bucked two!"

Life On The Farm

On a farm out in the country lived a man and a woman and their three sons. Early one morning, the woman awoke, and while looking out of the window onto the pasture, she saw that the family`s only cow was lying dead in the field. The situation looked hopeless to her - how could she possibly continue to feed her family now!

In a depressed state of mind, she hanged herself. When the man awoke to find his wife dead as well as the cow, he too began to see the hopelessness of the situation and he shot himself in the head.

Now the oldest son woke up to discover his parents dead (and the cow)!, and he decided to go down to the river and drown himself. When he got to the river, he discovered a mermaid sitting on the bank. She said "I`ve seen all and know the reason for your despair. But if you will make love with me five times in a row, I will restore your parents and the cow to you". The son agreed to try, but after four times in a row, he was simply unable to to satisfy her again. So the mermaid drowned him in the river.

Next the second oldest son woke up. After discovering what happened, he too decided to drown himself in the river. The mermaid said to him, "If you make love with me ten times in a row, I will make everything right" And whilst the son tried his best (7 times) it was not enough to satisfy the mermaid - so she drowned him in the river.

The youngest son, woke up and saw his parents dead, the dead cow in the field, and his brothers gone. He decided that life was a hopeless prospect and he went down to the river to throw himself in.

And there he also met the mermaid. "I`ve seen all that has happened and I can make everything right if you will only make love to me 15 times in a row".

The young son replied "Is that all?, why not 20 times in a row?"

The mermaid was somewhat taken aback by this request. Then he said, "Hell, why not 25 times in a row?" And even as she was reluctantly agreeing to his request , he said, "why not 30 times in a row?"

Finally she said enough!!!!!! OK. If you will make love with me 30 times in a row, then I will bring everybody back to perfect health".

The the young fellow asked, "Wait! how do I know that 30 times in a row won`t kill you like it did the cow?"

Signs That You Are Broke

• American Express calls and says, "Leave home without it!"
• Your idea of a 7-course meal is taking a deep breath outside a restaurant.
• You're formulating a plan to rob the food bank.
• You've rolled so many pennies, you've formed a psychic bond with Abe Lincoln.
• Long distance companies don't call you to switch.
• You look at your roommate and see a large fried chicken in tennis shoes.
• You rob Peter and then rob Paul.
• You finally clean your house, hoping to find change.
• You think of a lottery ticket as an investment.
• Your bologna has no first name.
• You give blood everyday, just for the orange juice.
• Sally Struthers sends you food.
• McDonalds supplies you with all your kitchen condiments.

Car Keys

A bloke has locked his car keys inside his vehicle. He stands by the side of his car looking completely fed up when a chap walks up and asks him what the problem is.

"I've locked my car keys in my car and can't get in," says the first individual.

"No problem mate." says the second chap. "Stand to one side and I'll get you in."

The first chap does as he's asked and stands to one side. The second chap moves infront of the door handle, turns around, and rubs his bum against the door lock. Almost instantly the car door unlocks.

"Fuckin' A!" says the first fella, "How did you manage that?"

"Easy," says the second bloke, "I'm wearing my Khaki trousers."

The Panhandler

A panhandler was caught trying to sneak aboard a Princess liner about to embark on a three-day trip to the Bahamas. He was caught by the Purser who threw him off the ship telling him, "Beggars can't be cruisers."

New Technology

Man walks into a bar, with his thumb in his ear, talking into his little finger.

What are you doing the barman asks.

I`m on the phone, the guy explains, - implants .. it`s the latest thing, There`s a microphone on my finger, a speaker in my thumb, and a keypad on the palm of my hand, it`s fantastic!

The barman is astonished, and the guy goes to sit down and drink his beer. Ten minutes later, he rushes out of the bar into the gent`s. The barman hears groans and screams coming from behind the door, so he goes to investigate.

He walks into the loo to see the guy, finger to mouth and thumb in ear, on the floor with his trousers around his ankles, groaning in agony.

What is it - can I help? the barman asks worried.

No....The guy grunts back, its okay...I`m just waiting for a fax to come through.

Psychic Police

Two men are driving through Texas when they get pulled over by a state trooper. The trooper walks up and taps on the window with his nightstick, the driver rolls down the window and "WHACK", the trooper smacks him in the head with the stick.

The driver says, "What the heck was that for?"

The trooper says, "You're in Texas, son. When we pull you over, you better have your license ready when we get to your car."

The driver says, "I'm sorry, officer, I'm not from around here."

The trooper runs a check on the guy's license, and he's clean. He gives the guy his license back and walks around to the passenger side and taps on the window. The passenger rolls his window down, and "WHACK", the trooper smacks him with the nightstick, too.

The passenger says, "What did you do that for?"

The trooper says, "Just making your wish come true."

The passenger says, "Huh?"

The trooper says, "I know that two miles down the road you're gonna say, 'I wish that jerk would've tried that bull with me.'"

Playing Golf

A husband and wife were playing golf together when the man's wife was severely stung by a bee.

The husband ran quickly back to the clubhouse, looking for a doctor.

"Come quickly!" he said. "my wife's been stung by a bee."

"Where was she stung?" asked the doctor.

"Between the first and second holes." shouted the husband.

"Wow," replied the doctor, "she must have a very wide stance!"

The County Fair

A man and wife are in the livestock section at the county fair. They happen upon a stall, where there is a large bull. Upon reading the sign posted by the stall, the wife exclaims: "Look here dear! It says this bull mated 365 times last year! That's once per day! I think you need to take some lessons from this bull."

To which her husband replied: "Go ask the farmer if all 365 times were with the same cow."

Cobblestones

Two nuns are riding their bicycles down an old Paris street when one nun says to the other: "I've never come this way before!"

"Yeah, me neither!" replies the other nun, breathlessly. "I think it's the cobblestones!"

Blondes on Board

There were two blondes going to California for the summer, they are about two hours into the flight and the pilot gets on the intercom and says we just lost an engine but it is all right we have three more but it will take us an hour longer.

A half hour later he gets on the intercom again and says we just lost another engine but its all right we have two more it will take us another half hour though.

One of the blondes says "If we lose the last two engines we'll be up here all day!"

Lost In The Jungle

Three missionaries are lost in the jungle, when suddenly a lion appears. They inmediately drop to their knees and pray: "Oh Lord, by some miracle, let this lion become a Christian!"

When they open their eyes, they see the lion hunched on the ground, his paws pressed together. With total disbelief, they walk closer to the lion and hear him whispering: "Dear Lord, please bless this food as I prepare to partake of this humble meal..."

The Doctor

It was a stifling hot day and a man fainted in the middle of a busy intersection. Traffic quickly piled up in all directions, so a woman rushed to help him.

When she knelt down to loosen his collar, a man emerged from the crowd, pushed her aside, and said, "It's all right honey, I've had a course in first aid."

The woman stood up and watched as he took the ill man's pulse and prepared to administer artificial respiration. At this point she tapped him on the shoulder and said,

"When you get to the part about calling a doctor, I'm already here."

The Other Dollar

3 men went to a motel. The man behind the desk said the room is $30, so each man put up $10 and went to the room. A little while later the man behind the desk realized the room was only $25, so he sent the bellhop back to the 3 guys' room with $5. On the way to the room the bellhop couldn't figure out how to split the $5 between the 3 men, so he just gave each one of them $1 and he kept the other $2.

This meant that since the 3 men gave 10 dollars each, got back a dollar each, therefore the 3 men paid $9 each for the room for a total of $27.

Add the $2 that the bellhop kept = $29.

Where'd the other dollar go?

Gone Fishing

A man phones home from his office and says to his wife, "I have the chance to go fishing for a week. It's the opportunity of a lifetime. I have to leave right away. Pack my clothes, my fishing equipment, and especially y blue silk pajamas. I'll be home in an hour to pick them up."

The man rushes home to grab everything. He hugs his wife, apologizes for the short notice, and then hurries off.

A week later, the man returns and his wife asks, "Did you have a good trip, dear?"

The man replies, "Yep, the fishing was great... but you forgot to pack my blue silk pajamas."

His wife smiles and says, "Oh, no I didn't... I put them in your tackle box!"

The Old Maid

An old maid was held up in a dark alley. She explained she had no money, but the robber insisted that it must be in her bra and started feeling around.

"I told you I haven't got any money," the spinster said, "but if you keep doing that, I'll write you a check."

Sandals

This married couple was on holiday in Pakistan. They were touring around the marketplace looking at the goods and such, when they passed this small sandal shop. From inside they heard a gentleman with a Pakistani accent say "You foreigners! Come in. Come indo my humble shop." So the married couple walked in.

The Pakistani man said to them, "I have some special sandals I tink you would be interested in. Dey make you wild at love like a great desert camel." Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the man claimed, but her husband felt he really didn't need them, being the love god he was.

The husband asked the man, "How could sandals make you into a love beast?" The Pakistani man replied, "Just try dem on, Saiheeb."

Well, the husband, after much badgering from his wife, finally conceded to try them on. As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his eyes; something his wife hadn't seen in many years - raw power.

In a blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the Pakistani man. The Pakistani then began screaming, "YOU HAVE DEM ON DE WRONG FEET!"

Smaller Bites

An Italian family was sitting at the dinner table when the father asks his oldest son "Tony! Why are you such a fat fuck?"

The son replies: "Pops, it's mom's pasta! I can't stop eating it."

The father says: "You should take smaller bites! It will make you trim."

Then the father asks the second son: "Anthony! Why are you such a fat fuck?"

The son replies: "Pops, it's mom's pizza! I can't stop eating it it's so good!"

Papa says: "You should also take smaller bites. Ask your other brother Angelo how he stays trim."

Angelo replies: "It's easy! I eat lots of pussy."

To which the father replies: "Pussy?! Pussy tastes like shit!"

To which Angelo replies: "Yo pops! You should take smaller bites!"

How Old Is It?

A guy walks into a bar and tells the bartender, "Hey, I want a shot of 15 year old scotch, and don't give me any of that cheap shit either, cuz I can tell the difference."

The bartender decides to test him and pours a shot of 3 y/o scotch. The guy drinks it and says, "I told you I wanted 15 y/o scotch, not this 3 y/o stuff. Try again."

Amazed, the bartended pours the 15 y/o scotch. The guy drinks his shot and says, "That's what I wanted, thank you!"

A drunk at the end of the bar, who was intrigued by the guy's knowledge, walks up and gives the guy a drink. The guy takes a sip and and spits it out exclaiming, "That tastes like piss!"

The drunk replies, "Any dumb-ass would know that. I want you to tell me how old I am!"

Granny

There was this really old guy at a dance who hadn't had any sex for a long time. He'd been dancing with the grandmas all night, but he still hadn't scored.

Frustrated, he approached an old grandma and said, "Listen, I'm having no luck scoring a woman. How about coming back to my place? I'll give you $20 if you oblige!"

"I'm willing, let's go," she said.

They arrived back at his place, and after a bit of foreplay, they headed for the bedroom. The old guy loved the sex and couldn't get over how tight the grandma was for such an old woman. Surely she's got to be a virgin.

After the wonderful performance, he rolled over and said, "Wow! Lady, if I had known you were a virgin, I would have given you $50".

Surprised, she replied, "If I had known you were actually going to get an erection, I would have taken off my pantyhose!"

Presidents

Six Presidents were on a sinking boat....

Ford says: "What do we do?"

Bush says: "Man the lifeboats."

Reagan says: "What lifeboats?"

Carter says: "Women first."

Nixon says: "Screw the women."

Clinton says: "You think we have time?"

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since 9/29/00