[from US, 2/96]

THEY'RE NOT SHY, the men of Friends. Oh, no. Having dinner with them is much like being at a family table with three very extroverted brothers, with all the affection, rivalry and merciless teasing that one often finds among kinfolk. Lounging at a patio table in L.A.'s Cafe Luna, the trio - Matthew Perry, Matt LeBlanc and David Schwimmer, that is, for those of you who have been in the Biosphere 2 - engage in rapid-fire dialogue that is the conversational equivalent of a raging river : You have no choice but to be borne along. It's exausting but rewarding. Consider this exchange. It has something to do with lanyards (lanyard, n., a rope used to secure something on a ship). Why this has come up is not clear.

Schwimmer: Do you know what a lanyard is?
LeBlanc: Like a lasso. On a ship. Lanyard. We used to batten down the hatches with a lanyard.
Schwimmer: Or not.
LeBlanc: It's like a rope.
Schwimmer: A lanyard?
Perry: Why do you need to know this?
Schwimmer: I'm hungry. What should I have to eat?
Perry: Why don't you have some lanyard?
Schwimmer: You suck.
LeBlanc: Good comeback Dave.
Schwimmer: You suck.

AND SO IT GOES. Refreshingly, the three appear to have changed little, a near miracle, since the national hysteria with all things Friends could easily render them insufferable. ("This season, the fashion on Friends will be fun, funky and much, much sexier!" a recent article droolingly begins.) This obsession at times can prove irksome to the Central Perk gang. To wit: If you ever find yourself in the fortunate position of being their dinner guest, first and foremost, don't ask the question.

"Are you going to ask us if we're all really friends?" LeBlanc says warily, drinking his beer. Ah, no.
"Here's another:'Where's your monkey?" says Schwimmer.
"'Are you like your character?'" says LeBlanc, rolling his eyes.
Perry joins in: "'What's your favorite land animal?' I'm always getting that."
He shakes his head in disgust.
Fair enough, then. Let's get to the really burning questions. Divulge one another's worst habbit.
"Matty, whenever we drive by a field that has flowers, stops the car, drops his pants and jet=E9s among the tulips," says Schwimmer.
"But it's a good jet=E9," LeBlanc adds.
"It's not a bad jet=E9," Perry allows. He points to his other castmate. "David Schwimmer, whenever he sees a child, feels the desperate need to talk openly and honestly with them. And to say things about his childhood and make requests about their childhood. To the point where it's sometimes awkward."

Next. Who is the worst driver among all of you?
"Jennifer Anniston," they chorus immediately.
"Oh, man, by far," says LeBlanc. "You're white-Knuckling it the whole time." Scwimmer: Dangerous. Dangerous.
Perry: I'll say two words that will explain it all. And those words are: Helen Keller.

FOR THOSE OF YOU who have lived among the wolves this past year, some vital statistics: Ottawa native and single guy Matthew Perry, 26, who plays Chandler, is the son of actor John Bennett Perry (best known as the sailor in the Old Spice commercials) and Suzanne Perry, one-time press secretary for former prime minsiter Pierre Trudeau. A sitcom veteran (Charles In Charge,the short-lived Scott Baio vehicle; Sydney, the short-lived Valerie Bertinelli vehicle), he also dabbled in writing. Two years ago, for instance, he wrote a pilot called Maxwell's House, about a gang of young folks who gather in a house to chat. When it was pitched to NBC, they declined. Why? They had something like it. (That would be Friends.) Perry recently purchased a house in the Hollywood Hills.

Schwimmer, 28, who plays Ross, is the son of prominent attorneys in L.A. and attended Beverly Hills High, where in those days, he was less a sex symbol and more a self-described geek. He heeded the acting call as a theater major at Northwestern University. After graduating, he co-founded the Lookingglass Theater Company, in which he still has an active role. After heading to Hollywood, Schwimmer landed parts in NYPD Blue and Monty, the short-lived Henry Winkler vehicle. A few years back, he also landed his current girlfriend, 28-year old law clerk Sarah Trimble. Schwimmer recently bought a house in Hollywood Hills.

Unattatched Matt LeBlanc, 27, who plays Joey, spent his early years in Newton, Mass. He, too, was a veteran of many a sitcom, including fairly self- explanatory Vinne and Bobby. LeBlanc recently purchased a house. It's in the Hollywood Hills. LeBlanc is also an ex-Levi's 501 jeans model, which caused quite a bit of uneasiness when the cast first got together to bond. "I thought, Oh, great," says Schwimmer. "This really good looking guy. He's going to be a total dick. No, he turned out to be a sweetheart." "That's Mr. Dick to you," says LeBlanc. A waiter appears with his spaghetti carbonara. He stares at it. "God, this is like a heart attack on a plate." Schwimmer's fettuccine with chicken arrives.
"Cheese?" the waiter asks him.
"Yes."
"Parmesan?"
Schwimmer stares. "Please."
The waiter goes to fetch it.
"No, Gouda," Schwimmer says.
Everyone laughs.
"The first day Courtney [Cox] was the one who said, 'You know, there's no Seinfeld in this group,'" recounts Perry. "'We're all a team, so if you guys have a suggestion for me or if I have one for you guys, I'd love to say it, and I hope you'll be able to say it, too.' And we all just went-"
"Shut up, get away,'" finishes LeBlanc.
"No," corrects Perry, "we just immediately, en masse, said, 'I hope we will
never say the words en masse.' No, really, we all loved the idea."
"I don't remember the first day," says LeBlanc. "I was really nervous."
"I remember you," says Schwimmer. "You were outside, smoking a cigarette, wearing leather and I said, 'Hey.'"
LeBlanc: I was wearing Leather?
Perry Breaks in: " What's really weird is that they're not talking leather jackets."
Schwimmer: It was chaps.
"And only the chaps," LeBlanc observes.

THINGS BEGIN TO GET UGLY when dishes are cleared and attention is turned to the crayons. This is where the rivalry surfaces in full force, and it is not pleasant. It starts with LeBlanc, who is drawing absently on the paper tablecloth. "Nice," says the interviewer politely, observing the KILROY WAS HERE-style face that LeBlanc is fashioning.
"Hold on, hold on," says Perry, grabbing a crayon and drawing furiously.
"Oh yeah?" says LeBlanc, "Watch me go." He nabs another crayon.
"All right, not to be outdone - not to be outdone," says Perry, increasing his force.
"Give them here," says Schwimmer. There is silence while they scribble. Finally, they present their artwork for judgement. They are all equally bad.
To distract them talk is steered to the recent Friends guest appearance of Chrissie Hynde. "Lisa [Kudrow] told me Chrissie was a Christopher Walken fan, and I happen to posses a couple of funny Christopher Walken stories," says Perry. "So, I knocked on her dressing room door and told her one, and there was no reaction. Just a blank face. She says, 'Tell me another.' I did - and, of course, no reaction. So, I run screaming from the dressing room."
"Tell one," Schwimmer prompts.
"Ok. He hosts Saturday Night Live, and on the first day you pick out funny ideas. So, the writers are pitching ideas back and forth, and he sat there totally quiet from 9 o'clock until 12. They break for kunch. From 1 to 5, he didn't say anything. Just as the day was over, he goes - this is the only thing he says all day - 'Bear suits are funny.'"
"Chrissie didn't like that?" says LeBlanc.
"Stone Faced."
The three are beginning to relax, after having their first day off in weeks.
"I had a photo session today," says LeBlanc. "I'm so glad you guys weren't there when I had to put on clothes because you both would have said, 'Oh, wear it.'"
You get induced to wear the most ridiculous stuff," says Schwimmer, laughing.
"You were going to wear that velvet suit the other day for Vanity Fair."
LeBlanc looks stricken. "I did wear it."
"Oh," says Schwimmer. He and Perry howl "It was royal blue, wasn't it?"
"I stared at it for two hours and couldn't find a single thing right about it," Perry rejoins.
"This thing today was blue sharkskin, like three sizes too small," moans LeBlanc. "I had to shoehorn my fat ass into the thing."
"You know what I did today?" says Schwimmer. "I waited for someone to come fix
something at my new residence. Then I went to an audition, then read scripts."
"I slept till noon," volunteers Perry. "Ok, I didn't , but it made me sound kind of cool. I, too, was doing a bunch of house stuff today, because I find if we have two hours free, it's a rarity, so you have to try and fit three weeks' worth of errands in those two hours."
"I did laundry," adds Schwimmer.
"Oh, so we're back on David's day," says Perry.
"I actually did some of David's laundry as well," says LeBlanc.
"David, was today gin day or rum day for you?" says Perry. he explains. "See, he picks a hard liquor of his choice and then fills himself with it every day." He looks at Schwimmer who is laughing.
"But it's always a different liquor, so he doesn't build up an immunity or anything, which I think is kind of exciting."
The rivalry returns when they are asked who's the best cook.
"Me," says Scwimmer.
"I happen to be a good cook," declares LeBlanc. "My mother taught me a lot of things."
"I had a barbecue a week ago. I cooked grilled salmon."
"You can't make coffee," LeBlanc points out.
"When did you have a barbecue?" asks Perry.
"I had friends over. Two people," says Schwimmer.
"Two people?" says Perry.
Schwimmer ignores him. "I made risotto with fungi - that would be mushrooms."
"He made the fire - that's what he did," says LeBlanc.
Perry fixes Schwimmer with a mock hard gaze. "You made the invitation list, too, didn't you?"

Moving on. Do five cast members ever gang up on one?
"I'm usually the one getting ganged up on," says LeBlanc.
"You'rer always saying s- - - like that," Perry says. "No, we don't gang up. It's a group of people that really makes fun of each other, but there's never five against one. A lot of four-on-twos." Everyone laughs.
"Ask us more," he urges.

OK. What can't your castmates tease you about?
"He hates it when you tell him to relax," says LeBlanc, gesturing toward Perry.
"I hate that," says Perry.
"He flies off the handle," says LeBlanc, grinning. "He threw a bottle at me the other day."
"What's something about David that he doesn't like?" muses Perry. "David's thing that bothers him most is, having a barbecue with more than two people at it."
Schwimmer tries not to laugh, "Actually I am sensitive about clearing my throat. They tease me about that. Jennifer is the driving thing. Courtney we kid about being from the South. Lisa we kid about the way she eats."
"If she's having a Caesar salad," explains Perry, "she'll make sure there's a bit of crouton with the exact same amount of cheeses and lettuce in every bite."
Schwimmer concours. "Every bite is a work of art."
It's getting late. One more query. A guilty pleasure please?
"We honestly get a kick out of watching our show," says Perry. "We get a tape in advance and watch it like freaks."
"We may critique each other during rehearsal, but during the performance," says Schwimmer, "it's only compliments, because I think we really admire each other's work."
"Come show night, everbody pulls together," says LeBlanc. " A magical thing happens, and everything works out nice."
They are all silent for a moment. What's this? Can it be? A moment of seriousness?
LeBlanc's face crumples. "I love you guys!"
"I love you man!" Perry cries.
"Me, too, man!" adds Schwimmer.
They couldn't resist.