Angel
He closed the door behind him and barely looked at the tux hanging on the closet door. It didn't matter he would never know how he looked in it. He would never be able to see into the mirror and wouldn't look at the smiling pictures that would be hanging on the wall soon. His wedding day, he frowned softly.
Was it wrong? Was he a bigamist? He shook his head and lay on the bed staring at the ceiling. Buffy would never know he was married to her. No, that was another secret he had kept from her. It was safer for her. She wouldn't have to worry about him. He often dreamed about her reaction when she found out. Would she be happy or would she deck him? Probably both, but he would deserve the decking.
He sighed. She would find out sooner or later that he was marrying her greatest enemy. Would she ever forgive me? Not likely, but she would want me to be happy and I am. Cordelia makes me happy, she's beautiful and bright, ok so not in the smarts sort of way, but she is bubbly and she helps me. She knows what to say and when to keep her mouth shut, most of the time. He remembered her whispering forever at the rehearsal dinner.
He frowned. They weren't having a traditional wedding but a sorceress was to perform the ceremony. She had been found by Willow who promised to never tell Buffy. The ceremony included drinking of each other's blood but hadn't he already done that? Wasn't he connected to Buffy? He had chosen her the first day he saw her and then she made him drink and it was the sweetest he had ever had. She was his mate and now Cordelia wanted to him to drink but then she did something that shocked him she brought up the subject of his mark. She wanted it; she wanted forever to be his. Others to know she was his. She loved to smile and say they would live forever. When she found out she would be twenty-one forever she had been ecstatic, but forever?
Forever was forever, right?
Isn't that what he whispered before he sped away from Buffy that night? As soon as he saw her, he realized it hurt too much but he wanted her. He wanted to toss her in his car and speed off and never look back but he didn't. Instead, he had done it to her. He basically told her to never look for him again but to go home. She was hurting and he walked away.
Baby it hurts.
He never gave her a chance to speak that night but turned and ran and whispered forever. He knew she heard it. What would she think now? He pulled the chain out from underneath his clothes and stared at the two rings he always wore. He felt like marking an 'A' on his chest. Buffy would never know but his blood and unbeating heart would.
He had convinced himself she didn't need him and she never called. She kept that unsaid promise. She didn't need him, she never did. She was better without him. He refused to acknowledge that the same rule applied to Cordelia and that he had a son.
His soul was his. He snorted; it was one of the good things Wesley had done. Wes had made sure his soul was anchored, by some witch or something before Connor was born. Wesley knew how happy he would be. His soul was his. He could have run straight to his mate and bury himself in her but he didn't. Instead he kept Connor a secret, and let the person he loved as a friend help raise him and now his son was going to call her mom. When did he decide he loved Cordelia? Was it over the midnight feedings? Was it all the talking they did during the night? Was it when she helped him talk about Buffy's death? Was it when Lorne pushed and Fred mentioned
Kyrumption? Was it when Cordelia turned down being a higher being for him? Was it when the spirits took control of their bodies? Hell, he didn't know but he knew it wasn't love like he adored Buffy. But it didn't matter.
He looked at his tux. "I'm marrying Cordelia tomorrow for life," he mumbled out loud and it sounded like he was trying to convince himself more than anything.
He looked back down at the two rings and was startled by the phone. He was tempted to pick it up but decided to stare at the rings a little longer. His eyes were drawn to the two rings intertwined. He grimaced slightly at Cordelia's voice, so cheerful about the wedding. He would have to hide the rings, he thought sadly. He sure as hell couldn't wear them. She would have a hissy fit.
God I hope Buffy doesn't call. He made a mental note to delete the message quickly.
And… then he heard it. He closed his eyes and listened, she knew… he dropped the rings and heard them clink on the floor. Her beautiful voice, it was telling him she hurt but she was happy for them. She knew…
Baby it hurts.
He played the tape over again and felt pain shoot through him. He had never felt this much pain and it was centered over his heart. He grabbed the phone and dialed but no one answered. He heard the answering machine come on but what was he going to say? 'Sorry baby' wasn't going to cut it. How would he explain it to her? He knew she would never understand. He grimaced in pain and clutched his chest.
He screamed "Buffy," and felt her this time. Why didn't he feel her the last time? Why didn't he feel her pain? Cordelia's name flickered through his brain and drifted away. He was killing her, the only one who loved him unconditionally. He knew it.
God it hurts.
He stumbled to the ground and picked up the rings. He felt the tears fall down his face, and for once he cried like a baby. He shouted her name again and it fell on deaf ears. He looked up and glanced at the tux and clutched the rings in his fist till he hands were bleeding from the crowns points.
Baby it hurts.
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